I FELL ON MY BUM......

Well I did and very hard too, from the top of the stairs
to the bottom. Chipped my elbow and dented my pride, Alan
thought it was quite funny though. Spookily enough I've been
feeling very down ever since....it's that feeling that life can
change at any moment and I wasn't even pissed (which was a
first). Maybe I just miss being in Boscastle.
Hey! Have you seen the news about Cornwall and the flooding?
Bloody hell, we were there, we only missed it by a couple of days!
Oh I didn't tell you much about Gus did I? Very blond very buff as
in (buffoon). Tried it on with me in the sand dunes, very
suggestive he was too. Alan had been sent off to buy ice cream
and ciggies, lovely having a slave and here I was sitting on the sands
with this bronzed god of a man. He spoilt it though when he opened
his mouth, you would have to gag him for sure if you had a
relationship with him. He was way too thick even by my standards.
So there I was in my almost see-thru string bikini (with my troll's
hair standing out wildly) and my blue sunglasses. Gus sits down
(on top of me-as they do) I resisted, honestly I did!
"Get off you big perve!" I shrieked, thoughrily delighted by the
attention though, I could feel him working down my briefs and
the sand scratching my arse.
"You love it you little slag." He laughed, I punched him as hard
as I could in the balls. He sat there grunting and swearing until
Alan arrived with dripping ice-cream and more importantly my
menthol ciggies. He peered at his friend.
"Gus are you alright? You've gone quite red, perhaps you've
had too much sun?"
Gus nodded and shot me a look from hell, I would pay for that
ball bashing no doubt.
I licked the running cornet still cluctched in Alan's hand, I did
suggestive things with my tongue, aware that both men were
watching me. It was a good holiday.
Oh and the hair belongs to a Russian bird called Olga, I know
this because she is haunting me. She thinks I'm a slut.
As if...
Becka

BABUSHKA YA YA

Well I'm back and nobody missed me in blogosphere! Had a
brilliant holiday though in Cornwall, although my hair is still
freaking me out.
1./ Because it's haunted and belongs to a Russian peasant woman
2./ Because it's not quite real hair and I've looked more troll then
human of late with my big old hair and severe sunburn. Who knew
the West Country would be so hot?
3./ I'm still not used to the new length and have nearly strangled
myself in my sleep.
The cottage we stayed at was more like a stately home. How could
they call this crumbling palace a cottage? Rich people huh!
It was owned by Alan's friend who was very Brideshead revisited
i.e English , handsome and impossibly gay. (I was wrong about the
gayness part though-tell you later) Best holiday in years though
apart from a plague of wasps scared me half to death, I fell down the
stairs on numerous occasions, drank my weight in brandy oh yeah-and
I shagged Alan!
Will write more tomorrow-you have been warned!
Becka (naughty girl)Martin

HOLI-DAZE

Woke up this morning to find Alan sitting on the end
of my bed smiling and holding a tray of coffee and peanut
butter toast (smooth-I hate that crunchy shit).
"Still love the hair." He said with a smile, I had to stop
myself dragging him into bed with me, although god, I
wanted to! Talking of hair-do you think hair can be haunted?
This was off a real person, who was to say that they could be
dead? Anyway it's spooking me out-I have ghost hair!
"Listen, I have a surprise for you."
"Yeah? That's great I love surprises." I remembered the
Vespa he had bought for me.
"I've been speaking to your Boss Angela. Don't look so
worried! She's agreed to give you some time off. I'm taking you
on holiday, I need one and you deserve one for putting up with
me." He kissed my hand, hey I never knew the nerves there
contacted to my hoo-ha before! Master Skinner was becoming a
memory (a niggly one though-I had destroyed his card, but still
remembered his phone number) Alan was my destiny.
"Where are we going?" I hoped that it would be somewhere
involving long flight delays.
"Cornwall." he said firmly.
"Cornwall?" I tried to smile but my mouth wouldn't let me.
"Yes it's a cottage in Tintagel owned by my friend Gus, your'll
love it-the place of myths and legends, King Arthur, the Knights
of the round table." His eyes shone, but he won me over.
"Has it got shops?"
He patted my head like you would do to a young child-or an
idiot.
"So your friend owns this place, tell me are all your friends
rich?"
"Yes-pretty much." He admitted.
"Except me." I said proudly.
"My little Gutter Rose." He smirked and then went off to pack.
So I won't be writing for awhile off to fester in the West Country!
Do try to cope without me (yeah like anyone reads this much!)
I will miss you and Raine will be glad to recover her computer
for awhile. My hair is still freaking me out.
Becka

HAIR!

I was reading my very first entry to this blog (god it feels ages
back even though it isn't) I was raving about my hair. I really
miss having hair-I'm not myself with a short cut. I whinged so
much on the phone that Ruth turned up at Alan's door (much
to his dismay) carrying bags full of extensions.
"I thought this might shut you the fuck up." She mumbled, also
avoiding Alan's eye. Shortly he said:
"Well I think I'll leave you ladies to it." I hoped he wasn't going
to the pub to drown his sorrows. Though he probably was.
For the next five (yeah 5) hours Ruth worked on my hair, it
bloody hurt and I had a tension headache. I grumbled and
groaned like a bag-lady, Ruth hit me repeatedly on the head
until I stopped. When she was finished I looked in the mirror
and saw:
1./The troll queen
2./Chewbacca
3./Diana Ross (In the chain reaction video)
4./myself fully restored and gorgeous!
Ok-it was a combination of 2 and 4, I was happy, I had hair,
though it was not quite my hair.
It was good enough for me though-I kissed Ruth's feet happily.
"Get off you big queer fool! I only did it because I was sick and
tired of you looking like Rent-A-Dyke."
"I feel like a princess!" I gushed, easing my waist length hair
through my fingers, so silky.
"Hey this feels like real hair." So realistic on account:
"It is human hair, you doof!" Said Ruth:"From India or Russia,
whatever, they don't want it, you got it, who cares?"
"I bloody do! Maybe they did want their hair? Ever thought
about that?" I was faintly horrified (though not horrified enough
to cut it all off again).
"If they did, then they did, bit late now to worry about it. But
your happy with it?"
"Love it." I admitted shamefully, I definitely tell Alan it was
synthetic.
"I'll just trim off a bit, looks too long." Said Ruth.
"No! I want it all!" I'd only just got it.
"Sit down!" She barked and trimmed it anyway, had to admit
it looked much more believable. We ate the remains of the Indian
meal we had ordered and then Ruth got a cab home. What a star
she was!
I wondered what Alan would think of my new look. Then rather
shamefully I imagined Master Skinner tying me up with my own
hair. Oooh!
Becka

CLOUD 2

Really I should not have done this-phone Master Skinner
again.  But there you go-I am an evil bitch who is twisted
and perverted. I also happen to like the guy.
"Thought your'd be back." Said the far too confident voice.
"Yeah-I am! Wondered why you thought I was the kind of
girl who would have to pay for it."
"I think you are the kind of girl who is far too scared of what
she really is and really wants to be."
"That so? You just want your £150 quid!"
"There is that!" He laughed surprisingly high like a girl-not
exactly a turn on.
"Got any freebies?" You don't ask-you don't get.
"Cheapskate! All my charity work is done at Thrumz and you
are far too repressed for that!"
"No! I just don't want all and sundry seeing me get my jollies is
all!" Cheeky bald sod!
"And you would be getting them with me. That is definite."
"I'll see you Skinner."
"Master Skinner to you!" He stormed.
"Master!" I spat the word from my mouth like it was a piece of
filth:"I don't think so!"
Hmmph.
I should be so happy-on cloud 9. Try cloud 2. I've got Alan and yet
it's crap, he's morose and moody and not at all up for sex.
I just want to hold him in my arms and love him, still separate
bedrooms. Did I mention the extreme lack of sex?
Becka Martin

SHOULD BE HAPPY-NOT!
 
I'm back in the hub of contentment, back with Alan am
I happy, hell I'm not! Because the conditions are not right,
ok anything is better then Raine's couch but still this could
be so much better.
1./ Alan could at least pretend to be happy
2./ Why am I sleeping in the spare room?
3./ Alan should stop drinking immediately
4./ Master Skinner's card is burning a hole in my pocket
I phoned him in the end.
"Skinner it's Becka."
"I thought you might phone." he sounded quite arrogant.
"Well I have."
"£150." he said.
"Excuse me?"
"I charge £150 for a basic S&M session-extras to be
negotiated.
"I see-you sound like some sort of male Brass." I had a bad
feeling about this.
"I like to think I am providing an affordable service for special
folk." His clipped voice grated on my nerves.
"Right-well anyone who calls me 'folk' has to go, bye." I hung up
on him. Honestly do I really look like a woman who has to pay for
it? Cheeky bugger.
Becka

BACK WHERE HE BELONGS

Last night I slept fitfully on Raine's sofa wishing that I could
get Master Skinner out of my head. The man was bad news
with a capital B for bastard.  I could hear in my half-sleep
Sister-thing and D getting it on and from the other room Aidan
gently snoring.  I shouldn't be here, I did not belong in a family
unit I was a freak!  Then the door sounded,  I went to open the
door but D stopped me.
"I'll check it out, could be a crack-head or something." (Did I tell
you he was deeply paranoid?)
It wasn't-it was Alan, standing there, disheveled but still
gorgeous. D looked at me, then at Alan and decided to retreat.
"Becka I'm so sorry, I'm just a sad git." I ushered him in and
made him a coffee as I could smell whiskey on on.
"What do you want Alan? Really, what do you want of me." The
worst part was I looked like a complete prat, checked shirt and a
hole in my knickers. (You never look devastating when it really
counts.)
"I just want us to stay friends, I can't offer anything else, I'm a
drunk for fucksake!" He said bitterly.
"That's good-I can do friends." After his drink we curled up on the
sofa together, not at all sexual-just out of great need.
"Move in with me? The spare room of course?" He asked as he
stroked my hair.
"I can do that." And I could, at the very least I wouldn't have to
sleep on a sofa again.
Becka Martin

THRUMZ

Well LilacLace it aint! Where upon Grady (ole butterball's)
club is the height of good taste and wisely invested money.
Thrumz was more of a do-it on a skanky budget style. The
walls were painted matt black and were sticky with
condensation (at least I hoped it was!) everyone was
tricked out in fetish gear.
Big turn off! I'd bullied and pestered Ruth until she agreed
to come with me. She had on a little rubber ( milkmaid)
dress (black of course) and thigh high boots. I was wearing
my leather tousers with ankle boots and a red plastic basque
purchased for this very evening. Though I must admit we
looked positively normal compared to everyone else.
Everywhere you looked people were being licked, bitten and humiliated. Like christmas time for perverts.
"Christ Becka! This place is disgusting!" Said Ruth and
wrinkled her nose in distaste. She had a point.
"Hmm, let's see what's going on then." We linked arms and
primly swam the crowd. A woman with a shaved head and pierced
nipples winked at Ruth who shuddered.
A man had caught my attention, he was shaven headed and
wearing leather trousers and a studded belt. He was busying
himself with a hoist and a length of rope.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He smiled at me to reveal two silver vampire teeth glinting
in the half-light. His eye's had those crazy contacts in that
made them look like a cat's. He was about 30 and obviously
a bodybuilder type.
"I'm making a swing." He said in an impossibly posh and
clipped voice.
"Oh? That sounds harmless!" I laughed, Ruth shrugged and
went to the bar where she talked to man who had two rats
sitting on his shoulders.
"Harmless?" The baldy smirked:"I guess you are new or else
you would have seen me in action. The name's Master Skinner."
He shook my hand, I winced because he was wearing studded
knuckle dusters.
"Becka. So what's it for then?" I checked his trousers-very
nice too.
"Why do you want to try it out?" I could see him eye me up
and down, I suddenly realised that he was about 7 foot tall.
I felt small and girly for a change!
"No! I'll watch you though, it looks interesting."
"Chickenshit." He said under his breath and then loudly:
"Ok girls, I need a volunteer!"
A buzz went around the club and a few woman crept forwards.
"Take me Master." Said a hot blonde.
"No Nadine, your getting greedy now. Next!" He grunted.
"Me!" Said an oriental girl with blue hair.
"No Li you always start crying. Next!"
"Master I'm your slave." Said a gorgeous girl with a shaven
head and multiple piercings. He looked her up and down.
"Your getting too fat Chrissy! Next!"
"You sound like Simon Cowell!" I giggled, Master Skinner
glared away. It was strangely exciting.
"Watch out or I'll make you do it!" He warned.
I shut the fuck up-it wasn't that exciting!
"What about me?" This was Ruth! I gawped at her.
"Ruthie no! What are you on?" I laughed. Master Skinner
looked at her. Obviously she is very cute and thin.
"Yes you will do, strip off to your panties and take your
bra off." He was warming to his task.
"Um can't I keep them on?" Ruth protested.
"No. Now strip!" Master Skinner grinned as she peeled off her
clothes, god knows what funny kick Ruth was off on, but she
certainly got more then she bargained for.
"I don't want to be whipped and no butt stuff!" She warned
as she undid her tiny bra. A collective gasp from the
audience at her exposed breasts.
"Right, now straddle this." He commanded and put a rope
between her legs, placed a hankerchief each side of it
covering her decency.
Ruth gasped as he increased the pressure, then he bound her
chest with rope until her little titties stood out engorged
and rosy. Then he raised her using the hoist, she began to
rock gently at first.
"Oh Becka!" She moaned. It looked like she was riding a
horse, he pushed her harder, the rope bit into her tender
skin and obviously between her legs. I could see her bite her lip.
He took a knife out!
"Whoah!" I said and made to grab it off him.
"Don't worry, just relieving the tension." He explained and
cut her g-string off, she plopped down harder on the rope.
"Oooh!" She moaned:"Oooh aaah ooh!" It seemed to go on
forever, every shudder and tremor I could feel too. All the
time Master Skinner kept his eye's on me.
The crowd were like:"Woooaaahhh!" I felt the same.
She jerked and shuddered on the rope and then reddened.
"Get me the fuck down!" She skrieked and fled naked to the
loos with a stunning round of applause banging in her ears.
"Do you think she came?" I asked.
"Everytime." Said Master Skinner: "They always do-so will you."
He placed one of his cards down my top, squeezing a nipple painfully on the way.
"Maybe we should meet privately." He said and winked, I
gasped and ran after Ruth who was fuming.
"Why did you do it?" I asked a bit in awe of her now.
"I wished I hadn't! I did it for a laugh, but I'm not
laughing now! I've never ever came so hard and so painfully!
I don't think I will walk tomorrow." She nagged. But my
head was buzzing, didn't like the idea of an audience but
very much liked the thought of Skinner manipulating me.
Becka

HE SAID...

Well I've officially turned into a muppet, how could
I be so stupid? I turned up at Alan's house dressed in a
black shift dress and fuck-me pumps that were beautiful but
were killing my feet. I'd blow-dried my hair and slicked
it behind my ears, I hoped that I looked a little like
Audrey Hepburn. I bet I didn't. I carried a bottle of Absolut
vodka as a peace offering. He opened the door and wow he looked like shit! I'd been waiting to see him for so long and he made a tramp seem classy! Alan's hair stood in greasy little twists, he
had a Fred Flinstone chin and his eyes were red and watery.
He was wearing a faded grey sweatsuit that looked none too
clean (personally I wouldn't greet the bin-men in that get-up!)
and on his feet were horrible holey socks. Nice touch.
"Hey Alan!" I gave him my sharpest smile, he glared at me.
"Becka. What are you doing here?" He made no move to let me
into his house, I felt like a Jehovah's Witness.
"Well, I heard that you and Pru had split up and I thought
that you could use some company. I missed you." Gave him
that killer smile again.
"Oh you did? Yes she breezed into my life and wrecked it
again. And now you." His eyes narrowed bitterly.
"I just thought we could have a drink and a chat. Nothing
heavy." My smile was a bit droopy now.
"Well the last thing I need in my life is you Becka and I
certainly don't need any alcohol considering I've been on a
massive binge for the last week." He had a wildness to him
that I had never seen before.
"Well we don't have to drink. Maybe I could make you some
supper, or phone for a pizza? Are you going to let me in
Alan?" I sounded a bit squeaky and desperate now. He looked
me up and down.
"No. I don't think I will, thanks for coming round and if I
ever need a shag, I'll call you. Goodnight!" He slammed
the door in my face!
My heart was beating in my chest like a drum, I looked
around to see if any of his neighbours had noticed. They
had. I could see the curtains twitching away. Shit.
Especially the 'If I ever need a shag' part. That burned me.
It really did.
So that was what he thought of me-just a slag I guess. I'd
show him slag! I walked to the cab office with my feet aching
and my head ready to explode. I'd show him something! Right-
so where was that nightclub THRUMZ that Jeff had taken me to
ages back? Did it still exist? It better bloody well had-
as a good S&M session is what I need now.
Becka

THOSE BLOODY WOMEN AGAIN

I've been like a junkie today-sweating, chain-smoking
using the loo a lot (no change there then)and constantly
thinking about Alan. Angela said I was a dead loss and sent
me home at 1pm, (which was great) I managed to find myself
on the Embankment Bridge looking out over the Thames. They
say the water is cleaner now (they lie) it was the colour
of chocolate truffles. Still I have a soft spot for old
London (in the head)and sometimes wonder if I will ever
leave it. Can you imagine me in the country? Country pub
maybe, but I can't be doing with all that silence and
stuff, it would sent me ga-ga. I need bustle and trouble.
Then it happened-an old lime green D reg Escort pulled
up and out strode THE WOMEN WHO CHANGE CARS, they were
impeccably dressed as ever and would never see sixty again. They got into a fantastic! Gorgeous! Deep metallic blue Daimler! I wanted a car like that-so bad it hurt! I would sell my Vespa, nay I would sell my soul to own a vehichle like that. Who were these old girls? What was it with the cars? I had seen them three times to date now, would I ever find out what they were up to? Would it change my world?
I inhaled deeply on my metholated ciggie, the time was
ripe, I would go to Alan's place, see if he was ok.
Shag him senseless. Something about those bloody women was
so inspiring.
Becka

VA VA VOOM!

It all started last night, after I had returned home to
Sister-thing Raine's, I noticed that I had two missed
calls on my mobile. It was Alex. I phoned her back.
"Alex? It's Becka, are you ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine, really good and at this moment having
a quick smoke before I go back to doing a commercial for
Pepsi!"
"Pepsi-get you! Is it a fantastic part?"
"Nah, I walk by with a crowd of girls and smile to show
my perfect teeth. Listen I wanted you because I thought
you would like to know, Alan and Pru are history! She
dumped him!" I could hear Alex's chest wheezing, too
many Marlboro lights no doubt. My own chest felt tight
for different reasons.
"She dumped him? Why?"
"Pru's gone back to looking for fresh flesh, she's dating
a 20 something, how completely sick." I could practically
see Alex wrinkle her nose in distaste.
"But you date a 20 something, Sean's younger then you."
I reminded her.
"Oh that doesn't count. Look must go and grin like a
ninny. Hope it's cheered you up anyway, poor Alan-he's
really crushed."
"Bye sweetie, thanks for telling me!"
I then did a lap of honour around the front room, kissed
D hard on the mouth, pulled Raine's hair and placed
Aidan on my shoulder like a monkey.
"Pack it in! What's happened?" Demanded Sister-thing and
saved her terrified child.
"Alan and Pru have split up! What could be as good as
this moment? I want to savour it! Do you think I could
risk going to The Twisted Gut?" I did a little dance on
the spot. D rolled his eyes and Aidan giggled.
"Poor Alan-look your going to have to play this cool,
don't go turning up on his doorstep or anything. As
for Shirl I'm sure she will forgive you, she always does."
"I'll risk it then!" I was on seventh heaven, what the
hell does that mean? What happened to the other six? Oh
well thought I better scrub up the old body and sort the
hair out! I pulled on my black leather trousers, it was
a bit too hot for them really, but who gives a shit?
A skin tight vest top in red and my hair spiked up.
I danced across to the pub, happy and hopeful again,
I had got my VA VA VOOM back and hopefully I would get
Alan back soon too.
Becka
p.s and I was still considering turning up on his doorstep!

DEEP RUMBLING

Call me stupid, irresponsible or just plain crazy-
but I awoke this morning with the devil in me. (whoa!
not literally!) I decided or rather my actions decided
that today was going to be different. In the office Angela
Grade gave me the look she usually reserved for dog's poo.
Nice start. I grinned at her and winked, I began to log
onto my computer, humming and tapping my foot.
"Are you doing this on purpose Miss Martin, this irritating
behaviour?" Angela had on her sunglasses so I could only
expect she had a hangover. Teehee.
"Nope." I said and shrugged, obviously to irritate her further.
"Do you want to go permanently back to the shop floor, is
that it?" She demanded, standing by my desk with her hands
on her hips. (This is the usual stance people have when
talking to me).
"I wouldn't mind." I admitted.
"Stupid girl! Don't you realize that you have a brilliant
job here with me, obviously it means nothing to you."
She looked sad and put a stray strand of hair behind
her ear. Look I'm absolutely gagging for sex and a certain
kind of sex at that, I had nothing to lose. Hell why not?
"I do like working with you, but to be honest you've been
a complete arsehole lately and I'm sick of it." I smiled.
Angela shook like jelly, the little roll of fat on her
chin was most animated.
"You ungrateful little cow!" She snapped.
"You miserable old bitch." I complied.
"Do you want me to fire you here on the spot?" She was
practically shrieking. I smiled right back.
"No, I want you to bend me over that chair and beat me
on the buttocks to within and inch of my life!"
"Right! Your fired!" Glowered Angela, I shook my head.
"I'm not going anywhere until you correct me."
I began to pull down the zip on my French Connexion
trousers.
"What are you talking about?" Angela looked shocked but
interested.
I pulled down my trousers to the knees where they hung
in a rather unlovely manner, I also had on very shoddy
cami-knickers. Oh well, only details. I bent down and
leant over the chair.
"The quicker you do it the quicker I leave." I wiggled
my bum, which was aching with anticipation.
"Maybe I was too hasty, maybe I don't want you to leave
at all." Said Angela back treading quickly.
"Whatever happens, I'm not moving from this position
until you give me a spanking. I can stay here all day if
you like and we've got the window cleaner coming at 11am,
what a pretty sight that would be." I felt fantastic, I
was powerful and in control, obviously this would need
correcting. Angela edged closer.
"How do I do this? With my hand? How hard?" She asked.
"Hit me with the bloody table! But just hit me, you
fat, power-crazed middle-aged lezzie!" Perhaps that was
a bit too harsh, but it got the desired result.
"Middle-aged?" Angela said with a roar and actually
kicked my bum with her incredibly pointed shoes. Ouch.
"Fat? Well that's hormones!" She gave my buttocks a
earth shaking wallop with the back of her hand.
"Power-crazed?" This time she was unfastening her belt,
she hit me very hard with the buckle end.
"Are you sure you haven't done this before Angela?" I
was most impressed.
"Shut up!" She looked like a demented nutcase, her
hair was wild, her face red and sweating. She kicked me
again, this time in my side making me fall onto the
carpet. At this very second Mr Matthews, one of the
Directors came into the room, I managed to see his
feet in time so that I could pull my trousers up.
"What is going on Angela? All I can hear is your voice."
He asked and I saw his eyes drop to the belt in her
hand. I, of course, saved the day.
"It's alright Mr Matthews, Angela was just getting
panicky because she had lost a contact lens, I've just
found it though." I gave him my very best, sunniest
smile. I saw him take this in, I'm sure he didn't
believe me for one instant.
"Oh , well that's alright then. Sorry to have disturbed
you." He blushed
After he left I fell about laughing, but Angela just
stood there mortified.
"You are a liability." She moaned.
"Hmm, well I think you've managed to crack a rib or
two." I rubbed them and winced, it was fine until she
kicked me off the chair!
"Thanks Angela, I think that was the best time I've
ever had in this office."
"Pervert." She muttered:"How can you like that?"
She asked.
"I just do, it's fun!"
Angela fussed over me all morning and for the first time
in ages took me out to lunch.
Damn her pointy shoes.
Becka

BUM THRUM

I awoke this morning absolutely aching for a good
S&M session. I realized at an early age I was slightly
perverted, when my friends told me they had been spanked
I was always jealous. Now I've never been one for scenes,
Jeff once dragged me to a fetish club and it was way too
much for me, although we found a private booth and that
was ok-I never could quite relax when I thought people
could see and hear me getting off. But now I'm not so sure.
It must be desperation, or loneliness (how pathetic!) but
I just need a good bum-burner, a hot spanking to correct
my wayward thinking. The best part is that nobody knows
that I'm like this, not Ruth, Alex or even Raine. It's
just something I share with the guys I date, it's a matter
of trust. I would be mortified if anyone found out-ok
and here I am writing it down for all and sundry to read
(yeah like anyone ever reads my blog!) but I think it's
very unlikely that anyone would ever find me here. I could always deny it and say it was a work of fiction!
Staying with Sister-thing is going to cramp my style,
sex here is out of the question. I miss Jeff, he was
not a Master or anything, but boy could he use a paddle
to good effect! I wonder if they do escort spankers,
'Come round here and give me a good seeing to!' Oh it
would be too gross, a bit seedy, then I am getting pretty
desperate, perhaps I should reconsider the S&M club?
What was it called? Um, Thrum, yeah that's it THRUMZ,
what a scuzz-bucket name.
Save me
Becka

SISTER-THING TALKING S**T

I was sitting on the loo whilst Sister-thing took a
bath, this was how small her flat was. It was just lucky
all I wanted to do was pee. I had just told her in depth
how much I hated Mother, Justine and Estelle and newly,
bloody Angela Grade. But most of all I hated Pru for
snaring Alan with her sophisticated mature woman act.
"Look Becka, you are the one who jerked him around and
your silly friend Ruth! He must have thought you were two
silly girls, your so immature. She shook her curly hair
spraying water over me (so much for maturity).
"I'm 34." I growled wiping the droplets off my face
with some tissue.
"Well act like it's not your IQ! I personally have begun
to think it's too late to get him back. Your'll get over
him in time and he is happy now." She covered her hair with
a rich conditioner that smelt of bubblegum. Mmm nice.
"I could make him much happier! Pru is so boring, she
isn't funny like me. Oh and can I borrow that conditioner?"
"If you want, you borrow everthing else! Maybe you just
think your funny, maybe everyone else thinks your a pain
in the arse. Ever thought of that?" She said helpfully.
"No I hadn't, thanks for putting that little germ of
negativity in my head, you bitch." Ruthlessly I plucked
my eyebrows, wishing I could inflict a similar pain
on her.
"Careful or else you will over pluck." She warned.
"Like duh? You don't say!" I glared at her and she glared
right back.
"I don't care, have drag queen brows if you want."
She sneered and set about shaving her legs, I smiled
when she nicked herself. Ouch that had to hurt.
"Look you are putting me off! You have finished peeing,
so please fuck off!" Raine snapped.
"I thought you were on my side." I said sulkily:"I thought
you would help me-I was wrong."
"Bloody hell! So melodramatic, I am on 'your side' dopey!
I just think it's time you started to change a bit,
maybe grow up and start to think about other people,
you know, other then yourself! We exist too, we think
and feel and have all the traumas that you do. We just
don't make such a meal of it is all."
"Who made you chief lecturer?" I snapped, the sauce of it!
"Well I guess Mother did by having me first and I've
been with D forever so I do know how to make a relationship
work." She looked so pleased with herself just like a ruddy
plump chicken.
"Maybe you have it all with D and little Aidan, but
you should not be so smug!"
"Oh I have it all do I?" This time I realized I had
probably over stepped the mark. "I work ridiculously
long shifts in the Call-centre, D's got sociaphobia
and I hardly ever see my child. We live in this shit-
hole because we can't afford anywhere else. Oh yeah I
have it all, such riches, they've gone to my head."
To make a point she threw a wet sponge at me.
"Oi! Pack it in!" I yelped. "Look I'm sorry, I just
mean your lucky to have D, that's all, someone who loves
you and wants to be with you for keeps. Not like that
shit Jeff."
"Ok, but you are a really pretty woman Becka and I'm
making a point by saying 'woman', you've got to lose
this girlishness. If you must idolize Alan like this
then I suggest you see him and tell him what's in your
head. Then move on. Whatever happens, it's for the best."
"Easy for you to say, he might break my heart again."
"He might, but you will get over it."
"I don't want to get over him. I love the bastard."
The thought of being without Alan forever was
inconceivable-it could not be done.
"To be honest I don't think you love him half as much
as you think you do." Said the Sage of the bathroom.
"Oh? And how would you know that?" Darn, I did overpluck
a bit!
"Because honey if you loved him beyond all reason, you
would never have cheated on him because you would never
have seen the opportunity. You would have only seen him."
Sister-thing began to towel dry her fluffy hair.
"I hear what your saying and I think you are right
(in a way), when I was with Alan it was different, but
since we've parted I know that if I had him back I'd never cheat again. I have changed. I really have!"
"I dunno, you don't seem the faithful type, your like
Mother." Raine said with a frown.
"Don't you ever, ever say that to me again!" I slammed
the bathroom door hard behind me, waking Aidan and making
him cry (which I instantly regretted) what was I doing?
Raine deserved her rant, she had always been good to
me. D sat on the sofa and avoided eye contact with me
after a moment he said:
"Tea?"
"Yeah, please." I could hear Raine singing to Aidan
and hushing him back to sleep.
When she came into the frontroom in her hideous purple
bathrobe I had to smile. "Sorry babe."
"I was harsh." She admitted "Nobody is like Mother."
Silently D gave us both a cup of tea and beat a hasty
retreat. "I'll move out soon." I offered.
"Now?" She smiled.
"Not that quickly."
"Oh and you got my hopes up too." She pretended to be
crestfallen.
Then it was over, we were ok. But I have it in my head
now to make a last ditch effort with Alan. It just has to
be done.
Becka

BACK

Saturday was a blast! I was back working on my counter,
almost blissfully happy or at least I would have been if Justine hadn't been staring so hard at me from her perfume counter. At least Zoey was pleased to see me.
"Oh Becka your back! I'm so pleased, did you get the sack?"
She asked with all the tactfulness of youth. Justine
chortled as though she had something stuck in the back of
her throat.
"Not exactly, but I'm back for a couple of days a week,
we'll just have to see how it goes."
"How nice! All your favourite customers have been asking
after you ." Zoey showed me the way she had 'streamlined'
by make-up stock cabinet (oh well I'd sort that out later).
I was so happy until:
"So it didn't work out with your girlfriend then? Shame,
I heard that although she likes her rough-trade she never
keeps them for long." Justine grinned showing her pearly
whites, oh how I'd like to smash them from her mouth!
To think I almost missed her!
I stared long and hard into her pointed, shrewish face.
"It's no good Justine, I'll have to say it, have you
been forgetting to take your medication again?"
She blanched even whiter (if that was possible).
"Jeffrey and Estelle's wedding was fantastic, I was a
bridesmaid I wore pale blue." She smirked.
"Always the bridesmaid?" I muttered.
"What do you mean by that?" She snapped, Zoey grinned
enjoying it all.
"I mean that Brides usually choose the best bridesmaids
they can to show themselves off, you know like a back-
ground? Usually really ugly ones, or in your case,
dead ones! Honestly Justine, is there any blood left in
your veins at all?" I gave her my shit-kicking grin.
"I hate you." She hissed and went off muttering to
herself. Ah, I was back. Now all I needed was somewhere
to live and a boyfriend.
Becka

ALL THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

Before I tell you what Ruth said, I just have to share
this experience with you. I awoke in the night to find
a warming hand on my belly, first of all I did not know
where the fuck I was, secondly it felt rather nice. Then
crystal clarity! I was at home, laying on my make-shift
bed on the couch, who was touching me? Jasper!
"Get off me you bastard!" I shrieked and gave him a
rabbit punch to the chest. His sickly grin was replaced
by a sickened expression and then he keeled over!
"What's going on?" Said Mother hurrying into the living
room (although she had found time to light a fag on the
way).
"This lump of shit just touched me up, bigtime!" I
screeched, Jasper sat groaning on the carpet, his
eyes watering and his skin a livid, mottled red.
"I did not! Becka was uncovered, I merely replaced her
quilt, then she attacked me!" He glared at me.
"That's rubbish you dirty old tosser! Tell the truth!"
I snapped. The Ma swiftly slapped me twice across the
face.
"Rebecca you are lying! You can't get a man of your
own, so you make trouble for mine, I've had enough of
you-pack your bags and get out!"
"But...whatever you say, why would I want to stay anyway?"
Jasper grinned at me triumphantly from behind my viper
Mother. "Your'll get yours!" I hissed.
I grabbed a bag and began to bundle up some clothes,
I was crying, how could I still cry at 34? I called a
cab and headed for Sister-Thing Raine's.
She opened the door with her eyes shut and her hair
fuzzing out like a halo. I told her what had happened.
"It figures." She said wearily and gave me a sleeping
bag. So I have moved to another couch-deep joy.
Ruth? Well that didn't go too badly, although I don't
think we will ever get back our old 'pre-shag'
relationship. She said I was a scumbag and a cheat but
she would rather have me as I was then not at all.
"I have to work on my jealousy issues." She admitted.
"I have to stop shagging all and sundry." I said.
"Mmm, we'll see, so 'The Shit' got married, wonder if
Estelle will have any little skidmarks?" Ruth grinned
evilly.
"It does not bare thinking about." I shuddered, all that
time with Jeff and now he mates with a fluff-brained
moron. Men. He would make a good dad though.
"So what are you going to do about Alan? Bless your heart?"
Ruth smiled at me and I knew that perhaps it was going to
be alright after all. In time.
"Alan? When I think about him my heart goes all whoozy
and my head hurts."
"Sounds like love." She said.
"Sounds too late."
Becka (homeless) Martin.

NO MORE MR SPANKIE

That's it for me-no more Jeff, I thought long and hard
about it, but I have decided not to have sex with him
anymore. Such self-restraint. He's married now, it's
different-same way as I won't sleep with DC Straw even
though he has the sweetest dick in the world. I am not a
home-wrecker (whatever people say!) So apart from Alan,
(who doesn't want me) and Max (too young and dangerous
lezzie mother)I am left without anybody!
I have decided to phone Ruthie up (yeah-yeah) not for hoochie-coo)but because I am exhausting my friend supply
and living with Mother again is driving me nuts.
Especially since she hooked up with letchy Jasper (the elderly snatcher). I am almost reduced (but not quite)
into phoning up my no-good Sister-Thing Raine, but that
would really be scraping the barrel. I'll let you know
how I get on.
Becka Martin X

REGRETS?

"You could have stopped me!" Said the hysterical male
voice. Jeffrey-ho-hum.
"Stopped you doing what exactly?" I asked, god knows how
he had gotten my work number.
"I got married to Estelle on saturday! I kept looking for
you, expecting at any moment for you to burst in and
declare your love for me." He was laughing, so I assumed
he was not being serious.
"Get real Jeff! Do you think this is 'Four Weddings and a
Funeral?' I might have come to throw confetti (still in the
box he-he) but to be honest I forgot all about your wedding.
Sorry-are you deliriously happy? Is it everything you hoped
it would be?" I smirked, who could imagine a stud like
him married to an air-head barbie doll? You would say the
marriage was fresh, on account that it didn't have much of
a shelf life.
"It's great, everyday I wake up to a big pair of titties
in my face and a hand on my dick. Isn't that what every man
wants?" His voice grated on me, the twit.
"I'll go with that, yeah most men want what you've got
Jeffy-kins."
"I don't! They can keep it! She is the most brainless,
pointless person I've ever met. She make's you look like
Einstein, or at least Carol Vorderman." He said excitedly.
"You made your bed Jeff." My, wasn't it great to always
be right? "I suggest you buy her a dictionary and get her
name on a waiting list for a brain transplant."
"Oh Becka, can we meet sometimes? I hate shagging her,
she just lies there saying 'Prada, Prada, Prada!' when
she comes she screams 'Versace!' Estelle is one scary
bitch!" He was laughing, I had to laugh too.
"I don't believe you! You pig!"
"Well, maybe it's not all true, but it's a bad deal
for me Becks, she's so boring! She doesn't talk about
anything other then clothes and make-hair, broken up by
the occasional interjection of hair! I'll go nuts and
you probably need some corrective therapy by now. How about
a little spankie?" He wheedled, my bum remembered it's
last meeting with Jeff and tingled.
"We'll see, oops the Boss has just come in, better go."
I hung up and smiled at Angela Grade.
"Are you arranging your sordid sex life on my time Ms Martin?" She snarled.
"No, that was a telecom service offering discounted
calls, it was really hard to get rid of him, you know
what they're like." I can lie quickly, can I not?
"Mmm." Said Angela and sat down at her desk (heavily).
"I've decided to send you back to the shop floor, for
part of the week at least, I think that would give both of
us some space." She said firmly, with her eyes flashing
madly. The dizzy tart.
"Do you mean back to my make-up counter?" I asked.
"Yes, I think for perhaps two days a week." She looked
hard at me waiting to see if I would cry.
"Whatever you think is best. Your the boss." I said
and left the room with my head hanging. But when I got
outside I punched the air in joy, yippee! I began to
feel the blood pulsing in my veins again, I might even
phone that Jeff straight back!
Becka

PEEPSHOW

I talk up trouble don't I? In my last entry I told you
about Sister-Thing Raine being caught on the loo by one of
Mother's pervy ex-boyfriends.
Well it happened to me last night, I had nowhere to go as I am still barred from The Twisted Gut by Big Shirley. So I went to bed instead (or rather-the sofa). I was rudely awoken by the sound of Ma and Jasper going at it like hammer and
tongs (what the fuck does that mean anyway?)ugh, not nice. Fifty-something mother's doing it with sixty-something duffers. I decided to get up and run myself a nice hot
bath. I brushed my teeth and plucked my eyebrows whilst I
was waiting , just standing there in my vest and panties,
as you do when you are getting ready to bathe. I became
aware that someone was watching me, turning I saw Jasper
grinning at me from the doorway.
"What are you doing?" I whispered, scared to wake Mother.
"Well I had come for a slash, but now I've other ideas."
He grinned like a cadaver (if they grin).
"Well just sod off-you!" I glared at him, aware how
exposed I looked in my tight vest.
"Just give me a little a little peek, go on it won't
kill you." He smiled encouragingly.
"No way!" I blushed.
"Go on, just pull your knickers to the side for me."
Jasper urged. I felt odd, already I could feel my
genitals throb. What was I like? I felt quite ashamed
of myself.
"Go on, show me a little hair." I could see a bead of
sweat on his top lip, he licked it off and smirked.
That was the wake up call, angrily I pulled my vest over
my head and threw it in his face.
"Fuck you!" I slammed the door and locked it, my heart
pounding heavily. What a prick! Then I blushed, he had
seen my breasts (what there are of them). I felt quite
shaky and I could hear him laughing outside the door.
How could I be so intimidated by such an old man?
He just just creeps me and out any more of this and I'll
tell Ma.
Becka.

JASPER

I did a brief phone survey regarding Alan: These
are the results.
Sister-Thing Raine said:"For heaven's sake Becks, go
and get the tosser and tell him you love him!"
Alex said:"Honey there are plenty of men out there, get
over him!"
Mickey Straw said:"Ha ha, shall I come over and give
you the 'long arm of the law'?"
The 'Shit'Jeff said:"I never liked him, he was nerd.
Good riddance."
Hmm-What shall I do next? Strangle my boss? Chuck Ma
out of the window? Plead with Ruthie to grow the fuck up?
Working with Angela is turning into a farce-she come's
across all dippy-hippy motherearth, when in fact she is
a hard core nazi task master. I don't even get a smile
out of her now let alone a dinner. I wonder if I should
seduce her again (just to ensure good working relations)
but I think not. It would just make matters just that
little bit worse. Mother is seeing a man called Jasper. Jasper! He is the kind of elderly gent you see
with the orange perma-tan and jet black hair. Blinding
white teeth and a belly borrowed from Buddha complete
the picture. He wears mad clothes too, baggy trousers,
scary shirts and he smells of whiskey. He leered at me
when Mother left the room to fix her face.
"You are such an attractive young lady, just like your Mum!"
He smiled at me to reveal gold teeth at the side, I smiled
back until he said:
"Make's me think I might have chosen the wrong girl.
I hear that you are between beaus at the moment?"
Beaus? What century did he come from?
"That's right, but you've definitely made the right choice
in Mother, she's so elegant."
"Don't know what's wrong with all the young men nowadays,
a sexy girl like you-what I would have done with you if
I'd been younger." There was a roguish twinkle in his
eye which was not in the least appealing to me. Then
suddenly he was standing very close to me. I was pinned
up against the wall by his stomach. "Very sexy." He
murmured and he had a kind of dazed look in his eyes.
"Get off me you old cunt, or I'll tell Ma!" I hissed
and ground my stiletto into his loafer, he winced, good
you old git and I hope it really hurts! Jasper's face
clouded with blood and murderous intentions, he lunged
for me just as Mother entered the room.
"You will keep." He whispered and beamed at Ma:"You
look splendid my dear! Let's paint the town red."
Yeah with your spleen you pervert, I thought angrily.
Mother's men are all like this, they've always tried
it on with Raine and myself, one even caught her on the
loo (she was not best pleased).
Later in the evening Ma said;"Nice isn't he?"
"Jasper! No Ma he's frightful and nasty, you could
do a lot better." I assured her. The look on Mother's
face showed I should have kept my big trap shut.
"You evil little cow Rebecca Martin! He is a very nice
man and more to the point, he is very rich. You keep
away from him." She snarled like a predatory dog. I
raised my hands.
"Only looking out for you." God did she think I wanted
him? Was I that sad?
"I bet." She gave me another daggers look before
turning on her favorite soap opera. Blast as always
she had the wrong end of the stick. Don't get me wrong,
I don't like Mother much, but I don't want her to end up
with an old snake like Jasper.
Look at me-friday night and no-where to go! What can
a nearly middle-aged girl do?
Becka

FIRE AND ICE

I felt brilliant it's funny how little things can make
your heart soar. Alan phoned back, I had to take the call
in the toilet away from Mother's prying ears.
"How are you then?" He said and his voice was pure magic,
working it's wonders on my intestine's down to my pubic
bone. What could I say? I'm so lonely-I'm indulging in the
oddest fuck-fest this side of Pervert City. No I said:
"I'm fine! How's Pru?" As if I gave a shit about the evil skanking bitch!
"Yeah, she's ok. Hmm, been missing you." His voice was
so quiet.
"Excuse me can you repeat that?"
"I've been missing you." He said.
"Wait a moment let me get this clear, whom exactly have
you been missing?"
"You! You daft bitch!" He laughed aloud, such a happy
sound.
"Well that's alright then!" I was thrilled, really I was.
"Have you missed me?" He asked hopefully.
No-I've only thought about you every moment of everyday.
"A bit." Playing it coy, see?
"I'll bet you've not exactly been a nun though have you?"
Alan asked.
"Not exactly. Mind you it depends on what kind of nun
you are thinking about." Lesbo rampant nun? Fuck
the priest nun etc.
"Hmm, well I didn't expect you to remain celibate."
His voice sounded warm though, he did not seem at all
angry with me.
"Well you have been with Pru-I mean are you getting
back together properly?" I bit my lip, very Ruth like-
but apt in this circumstance. I just waited for the body
blow.
"No, she's lovely, far too good for me. But I keep thinking
of you."
How am I supposed to take this? Pru was too good for him
so what did that make me?
"That's not a bouquet Alan-you make me feel like second
best." My lip was in danger of being chewed off.
"Never. You will always be my number one."
"So what are we going to do about it?" I asked.
"Well I think I should come over, don't you?"
"I think that would be a good idea." My heart was soaring,
I did a little dance, then was amazed to find I was floating
from the floor up to the ceiling.
"Alan! I'm flying!" I trilled.
"That's because your dreaming, you big moose." He said
most ungallantly.
"Alan?"
"No."
"Alan?"
"NO! Wake the fuck up Becka!"
It was a dream, it was a shitty, bloody dream! Angela
stood glaring at me.
"You are on very thin ice lady." She warned.
Blast.
But Alan did phone up later, although the content was
not the same at all.
"Becks it's Alan, have you a moment to talk?" He asked.
Once again to escape Mother, I took the phone to the loo.
It was like an action replay, I was so excited.
"How have you been?" I asked quickly.
"Fine, I hope you've been looking after yourself,
eating a few vegetables maybe?" His voice was pleasant,
but not intimate.
"A few." I felt the balloon in my chest slowly deflate.
"Look I'm phoning because I want you to hear this from me,
nobody else. Becka, I'm getting married to Pru-soon."
I sat down on the toilet seat.
"No!" I said loudly.
"Excuse me?" He asked.
"I said 'Oh'. If that's what you want, are you happy
Alan?"
"Very happy, look I must go, but I just want you to
know I enjoyed being with you for the short time we
had together." I would never be 'together' again.
"Me too." I murmured. So that was that.
Becka

FAG ENDS AND BUTT ENDS

I awoke this morning to the smell of stale cigarettes,
not unusual in my household.
"Get up you lazy little tart!" Said the sharp maternal
voice. Oh gawd, Mother is back again! Just kill me won't you?
Be a damn sight quicker.
"I've come back on account that this is my flat and
Lorraine, her silent horrible husband and screeching child
have driven me out. They've been making me smoke outside
in all weathers! And me at my age too."
I pointed out that she was not all that old and that the
weather had been unusually mild and lovely. She told me to
piss off to work. Mothers-bless them eh?
At work, which should have been my escape and haven, I
found an increasingly irritated Angela waiting for me.
"Your late again."
"Sorry-traffic!" I shrugged, I've forgotten how much that
pisses people off.
"Max told me he saw you in the pub." Her voice was as clipped
as a parrot's wing.
"Yeah-poor kid." I shrugged again.
"Will you stop doing that?" Angela snapped.
"Doing what?" Just call me stupid.
"Shrugging like some village idiot! For heavensake's
Becka get a grip! Your work is lousy, I really am thinking
that I made a big mistake taking you on as my P.A."
She stood up and flicked her long blonde hair.
"My feelings for you have changed. This is to be purely
a professional relationship from now onwards. So I
can only suggest that you buckle down and get your work
in order, that is unless you would like to go back to the shop floor?" She grinned at me and for a fleeting second
I saw her for what she was, a fat, lonely spiteful bitch.
At least I didn't have to pretend I liked shagging her
anymore-result!
"I'll do my best, I promise you." I felt the weight of
the world lift from my shoulders. Even having Mother back
to live with me did not deflate my good mood.
As I left work later I noticed 'The Shit' sitting in
his car grinning at me like a demon. A handsome one though.
"Hello sexy drawers!" He smiled showing newly bleached teeth.
"Hello yourself. How's the wedding plans going?"
I sat down next to him, it felt so familar and still so
exciting.
"Next saturday! Will you miss me?"
"Well I would-but I expect you will be back." I shrugged
again. On a roll I guess.
"I will be too you saucy cow! I've been missing our spanking
sessions, fancy a bum-burner?"
"Maybe. When I get back with Alan all this will stop
you know?" I traced the outline of his zip on his trousers,
he arched his back like a cat.
"Just the spot-wished I was marrying you."
"Don't even say it you bastard! We were together for years
and not a sniff of an engagement ring and you are with
Candy-floss hair for 2 seconds and it's all bells and
doves." I am bitter about it and why not?
"Look she has everything I need. But you have everything
I want, look we both are a couple of kinky sods, come
back to mine and lets get busy with it."
"I'll meet you there, I'll drive my Vespa."
I nearly turned off and drove home like any sensible
person would. But I didn't and soon I was being tied with
silk scarves to Jeff's lovely bed, he blindfolded me this
time-the shitbag! He had me spread-eagled with just my
g-string on, he spanked me hard, perhaps a little too
hard then he started to ease down my panties. I felt
something being shoved where it was not wanted.
"Bloody hell! What are you doing to me?" I snapped.
"I knew I should have gagged you! It's a butt-plug, honey,
trust me it will be fine."
It didn't feel fine, it felt ruddy uncomfortable!
I felt odd, almost sickly and really embarrassed. Then
he entered me, it was too much, I felt like I was full up,
no where to go. But panic was replaced by wave after wave
of lovely feelings and when I came my bum gripped the
plug hard and I quivered around it.
"Jeff!" I moaned.
"Great isn't it? Estelle loves it." He said smugly.
"Please tell me that this hasn't been up her arse, I'll
kill you if it has." I warned.
"Don't be stupid, it's a fresh one-bought this morning for
my own little hell-cat." He stroked my face. "Oh Becks,
what am I doing? What a mess!"
"If you don't want dirty then you shouldn't play with
bums!" I said-most offended!
"I didn't mean that! I meant 'me' you daft tart!" he laughed.
"Oh." I said.
"You love this Alan fella right?"
"Right! I have more chance jumping to the moon then
getting him back though." I smiled at jeff, he wasn't a bad
man-for a bastard.
"Go get him tiger." He looked so sad. I stroked his evil
face.
"You and me, what a pair of fuck-ups!" I said truthfully.
"You said it babe." I left him alone then, he was after
all being married to a blonde bimbo with plastic tits.
What more could a man want?
My good mood was only deflated by a message on my
answerphone from Sister-Thing Raine.
"Becks I have only one thing to say to you, hahahahaha!"
I could have thrown the phone out of the window. Mother
sat glaring at it.
"I've played that 10 times and I still can't work out
what she means."
"She's just a sad bitch." I quipped, but obviously a
lucky one as she didn't have to put up with Mother
anymore.
"Oh a man called Alan phoned, he said that he will
phone back tonight."
Oooh-err-my legs felt all wobbly, but I suppose it
could have been the anal probing.
"He sounds a bit of a posh bastard, has he any money?"
Said Mother, I raced across the room and kissed her on
the forhead.
"Get off me Rebecca, what's come over you?"
"Ah Ma, you wouldn't understand."
Becka

WHEN SHAGS COLLIDE

Strange days indeed, being intimate with Ruth, having
fun with Mickey. What am I going to do with that man?
(That I haven't done already!)
I finally told Alex (as she is going back to Sean)all that had happened. She could not believe the stalking part. Who could-I hadn't got my head around it!
"What's wrong with that girl's head? I'll smack her in
the mouth!" Said my hero.
"No Ruth's got problems, but we're working them out." I
then told her about the sex.
"Fuck off! No really?" Alex's eyes were like gobstoppers.
"Yeah-I have a feeling that it was probably a bad move.
Never shag your friends, but it happened." I felt all shy
and silly.
"You do complicate things! Bloody hell, it's like incest!
You don't fancy me do you? Don't be getting any ideas!"
She warned me.
"No Alex, your not my type." I admitted.
"Oh yeah? What's wrong with me then?" She demanded.
"Nothing! Your lovely, but I don't fancy you."
"I'm better looking then Ruth, I'm a model after all,
what's not to like?" She grumbled away.
"Anyone would think you wanted me to like you! Do
you?" I scanned her face.
"No I don't, cheeky cow! But all I'm saying is, I'm
a looker, if your going to be gay now, then surely I would
be your first choice?"
How do I get out of this one?
"Darling I am not gay! Not even a little bit, it's just
sex, really nothing at all. I don't want Angela, Ruth,
Jeff, Mickey or Max. Just Alan and when I get him back
he is going to be my only one."
"That's not going to happen! I think you've scared
Alan off for good. Sean says that he's really happy now
with Pru."
"Did you have to tell me that?" I snapped:"Anyway I'm
going to do my best to get him back, I'm sure he loves
me really. He did buy me a Vespa." I imagined Alan
curled up reading sloppy love poetry to Pru and my
stomach lurched. "I feel quite ill, he can't love her,
he just can't!" Not when he had me!
"Easy babe! Anything is possible, look it's my last night,
let's go and see Shirl at The Twisted Gut and maybe
take on LilacLace, wind up old Grady-chops!" She smirked
and looked at her wedding ring:"I'd like to shove this up
his arse!"
"Well put like that how can I refuse?"
We glammed up in Stella MCartney rip-offs, looking
sharp and lovely as ever. (Ok maybe Alex did look the
best but I can dream can I not?)
In The Twisted Gut, aptly named as my stomach was
buckling under the strain, I could see Max sitting all
alone in the corner and Ruth laughing and joking with
Shirl at the bar. Two shags in the same bar, not a good
idea at all.
"Oh shit! Alex, look Ruth and Max! What shall I do?"
"Be cool, buy me a drink you cheapskate and a fucking
bag of crisps!" Trust Alex to get her priororities
right!
Ruth's face split into a sunny smile when she saw us,
especially Alex and hugged her tightly. Perhaps she
was already pissed as she did not seem to notice how
cold Alex's reception was.
"My best girls! Lets drink to The Fuckwits!" And
ordered us some brandies with Babycham.
Max shuffled over in his goth-turn-the-lights-out
way. I smiled at him. I regretted sleeping with him, but
he was a pretty little thing.
"Hello Max." I said lightly.
"My Mother? How could you! I hate you!"
He picked up a drink from the bar and promptly poured it over my head! I licked my top lip, everyone seemed transfixed. Shirley roared first:"Max you little
wanker! Get the fuck out of my pub!" He legged it (as you would if a Goddess came at you with her hooves).
"What the fuck was all that about?" Asked Ruth and
patted my hair dry with a teatowel.
"Oh that's Max, Becka's toyboy, she's also shagging
his mother." Said Alex most unhelpfully, Shirley
glared at me. Oh dear.
"I warned you to stay away from that kid! You pervert!"
"He is 20! I'm not a prevert, really." I wailed.
"I don't want to do this Becka, but you are barred! I
told you to steer clear and you went and did it anyway.
Now out!" Shirley's nose practically had plumes of
smoke coming from her nostrils.
"You slept with him and his mother at the same time?"
Squeaked Ruth. She was backing away from me with a
horrified look on her face.
"No! Separately, I didn't know they were related!"
(Unlike Ruth who had taken on a whole family, although
she was so discreet, nobody ever knew).
"You are a monster!" Said Ruth quietly. "God know's
what I've caught from you!"
"Who the fuck are you calling 'monster'? At least she's
not some crazy postie bitch!" Snapped Alex. Happy days
indeed.
"You told her?" Ruth looked hurt and shock.
"Well maybe a little." I admitted.
"Becka?" Said Shirl.
"Hmm?"
"Your still here! Now move it!"
Needless to say it was just Alex and myself who went
on to LilacLace. Ruth left in tears. So much for a
rekindled friendship. Ruddy Max! I'm sure he's ruined
my jacket. I'm getting far too old for this shit.
Becka
p.s Hello cheeky girls.

WIRED

"Keep still you silly bint!" Said Mickey as I squirmed
away from his probing fingers. Sadly we were not up to
monkey business, he was putting a wire on me 'borrowed'
from the police station. It was time to confront Ruth
and Mickey would not let me go unless he could hear what
was going on. I think he thought she would go for me with
a knife or something. Strangely, this had not occurred to
me, she was still my friend, nutter or not.
"I'll wait out here in the car." He said grimly:"I'm not
loving this you know."
I was. I felt exhilarated, I was also dressed in diesel
shorts, Ugg boots (liberated from Alex's wardrobe) and
a baggy checked shirt (to hide the wire).I felt pretty
damn fine I can tell you. Told you I was mad-must have a
death wish.
I knocked on Ruth's door whilst Mickey parked out of sight
around the corner. When she saw me she tried to slam
the door, but quicker then a double-glazing salesman, I
already had a foot hold.
"Not so fast! I have to talk to you." I pushed past
her, her flat was a slag heap, she made Tracey Emin's
art look tidy.
"What can you possibly want?" She glared at me with
her baby bottom lip trembling.
"I miss you. Also, what the fuck are you on girl, putting
shit through my letterbox and breaking my window? Anyone
would think you didn't like me."
Ruth's eyes widened in shock, then she gasped and fell
to the floor, very dramatic it was too.
Shit have I killed her?
"I'm not getting up." She said firmly.
"What? That's it? 'I'm not getting up?' What the fuck
does that mean? You owe me a reason why." I crouched
down beside her. "Look I know you had a 'thing' for
Alan, but well he's gone now, left me too. But I thought
we were better friends then that, to let a man come
between us."
She sat up and ruffled her feathered crop, coming over
all Winona and fragile.
"It's complicated." Ruth said.
"I'll bet. Come on, give it up. I won't bite you, or
post you old socks or something! What out! Your smiling!"
Ruth grinned at me.
"Sorry Becks, I think I'm trying to out-mad you and
it went too far. To begin with it was all about Alan,
I was besotted, he was everything I ever wanted in a man
and you were not the slightest bit interested in him."
"Yeah, I was careless." I grimaced, I had treated him
pretty shittily.
"I began to dream he was mine, then I started to hate you!
Really, really despise you." Ruth's face was screwed up
into a nasty scowl, she reminded me now more of Chuckie.
"Ruth! Really? That makes me sad."
"Yeah? Well think how I felt! Alex had Sean, you had
Alan and I had nothing!" Tears glinted in her eyes.
"You have your odd assortment of lovers." Why that
sounded like me!
"Not odd enough, I haven't been with anyone for a very longtime." She shook her head."I did practically force
Alan to have sex with me though. I'm sorry for that,
I'm not ugly am I? Not a heffer, but he wanted you
and your everything that I could not be."
"Silly cow! The Fuckwits compliment eachother because
we are all so different, we're like Charlie's Angels
without Bosely!"
"Hmm, I bet I'm the plain studious one."
"Nah, your much to thick for that!" I laughed and
she kicked me in the leg. Hard.
"I'll stop the post. Is it too late? Am I in trouble?"
She looked scared bless her.
"I won't press charges, how bad can it be?"
"Come here!" The next minute she was holding me and
we were crying into eachother's hair.
"Who cut this? You look like a dyke." She grumbled.
"Oh don't even go there! Too near the truth!" I giggled.
Have you ever said something that changes everything?
"Oh Becks I am so sorry!" She kissed my cheeks, nose,
lips, hair, lips, neck, lips, nose, lips-tongues. Oh
shit-here we go again.
"Ruth!" I pushed her off in shock.
"Ssh. Just kiss me like you do."
Like on auto-pilot I began to kiss her until it
felt good.
"You have no idea how long I have wanted this."
Murmured Ruth, desperately trying to pull my shirt
open. I was wired so I pushed her hands between my legs
instead. "Since we were kids I've thought about you,
getting close like this."
"Yeah-who would have thought it would nearly take a
restraining order to get this far." I joked.
"Please touch me."
So I did, her shaved haven was so bare and innocent,
I just had to kiss it. Her small un-formed breasts
like creamy cones, her soft mouth. I fingered her
roughly then drove my tongue home. Mmm.
"Oh Becks!" She wailed. I was not unmoved myself,
she began to force my shorts over my hips, I had on
my very best panties, pink with a picture of a cat
on them. They were already soaking.
"Oh Ruth!" I groaned, blast this was good! Then I
remembered the wire and thought of Mickey in the car
hearing everything. Oh that turned me on! When we had
finished Ruth said:
"Where do we go now?"
So I started to sing Guns and Roses, Sweet child o'mine.
"Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go?"
Until she hit me again. Also quite hard.
"No really? What is this?"
What indeed? As always in these situations I make a
run for it, flanked by a few soothing words.
"I'll be back." Very Arnie.
My getaway car contained a very hot, steamy policeman.
"What are you like?" He yelped, his grin was awesome,
like the happiest man in the world.
"Shut up you." I snapped.
"I heard you!" He was very excited, unfortunately he was
wearing pale jeans and the evidence was already seeping
through.
"Why do you think I got so turned on dummy? I knew
you could hear me!" I laughed at his face, the fool.
"I love my wife Becks, but for old times sake can you
just give it a little shake?" So I gave him a hand-job.
Why not?
For the first time in ages I felt at peace. If I had
Alan then everything would be perfect. Weird but perfect.
At least Ruth was ok. She was more then ok-she was great!
Becka

HARDCORE HEARTACHE

As soon as Mickey Straw entered my flat he dropped his
trousers (as they do).
"What are you playing at Strawman?" I was faintly irritated,
what did he think I was?
"I'll tell you what I saw on the CCTV camera, show you
even as I have the video with me. But first you have to
suck-it-and-see!" He beamed at me, absolutely delighted
with himself.
"Bloody hell!" I grumbled and knelt like some five pound
whore in my hallway, when he was finished he patted me on
the head.
"Good girl." He said patronizingly.
"I sound like a ruddy police dog! Now Mickey, show
me the video before I stick it up your arse!"
"You won't like it." He warned and funny enough, I
didn't. I'm always moaning about my heart being broken,
well now it is. Officially.
I watched a small and beloved person walk nonchalantly
to my door, look furtively and then try to post something.
But as it happened Julie in pajamas, the nurse downstairs
was just coming in as well, she pulled up in her little
Mini. The slight figure hustled away like a pantomine
villian.
"Fuck me." I mumbled.
"Exactly." Said Mickey.
"Have I gone mad?"
"Nope. I saw it too and I'm a policeman, we have to
be sane, it's the law."
"Really Mickey-I'm shocked."
"I am too babe. It's a stinker alright." He placed
his arm around me (and down my top).
"What will we do next? I don't know what to do."
"We will have to make an arrest and press charges of
harassment with intent , although we have no idea
what the intent actually is."
"No Mick! I don't want to press charges! She's my
friend!"
"Fine friend."
"I'll deal with it, honestly it'll be ok."
"It might have gone too far. Who would have thought
it? Ruth eh?"
Yes it was Ruth, but why, who knows? I just know it
hurts like hell.
Becka

SPIKY HAIRED LOVE-MUFFIN

So you can imagine the icy atmosphere at work, Angela
has been blanking me and rather then talking to me she
just sends emails stating what she wants me to do. Namely-
die. I lost it in the end.
"Ok Angela, lets clear this up shall we? Firstly I never
knew that Max was your son, I didn't know you had a son!
Secondly, I would never, ever have gone near him if I had
known." This was kind of the truth.
"You are without doubt a slimy, scheming, using, scumbag
bitch of a whore! Even if you didn't know he was my boy,
he is far too young for you and your meant to be with me
anyway! What goes on in your perverted head? Do you just
see people as a whole line of shags do you?" Her eyes
were flashing in a most alarming way.
"I'm sorry-really I am." I mumbled, well sorry I was
caught anyway!
"I think I could hate you." She said quietly.
"So I'm not your 'spiky haired love-muffin' anymore
then?" I said stupidly. Instantly her attitude changed.
"Do you want to be?" Angela's lip quivered, bloody hell
what was I to do?
"Of course! But you know everything will stop when
Alan comes back?" I don't think she heard the last
part, next minute tears were streaming down her face
and she was in my arms.
"Oh Becka! Max is so upset, he really liked you, you
know?" I winced, Max was definitely more my cup of
tea then Angela.
"I liked him too, but he is too young." I admitted.
"Show me you love me-take your clothes off now, here
in the office." She sat back in her black leather seat
and watched me earnestly. "Do me a lap-dance!"
Shit-how rude, without music and with the blinds open
and the door unlocked I began to unbutton my shirt, then
I let my trousers drop to the floor. I felt silly, but
it had a mad quality to it that I liked. I unhooked my
bra and sat straddling her, when Angela tried to touch me,
I moved her hands away.
"Uh-uh, keep your hands to yourself, that is the rule."
I arched my back and let a nipple gently graze against
her cheek. I wished I had my long hair, most strippers
have that to flick and torment people. Or just hide
behind.
"Oh Becka, I love you so much!"
I peeled my g-string down and wiggled my bum in her face.
That was too much for her and the next moment her fingers
were in side me working furiously and pinching my
clitoris. So I guess I was forgiven. The things I have to
do jeez. Not bad though.
Have had a quiet weekend on account Mother has decided
to visit Sister-thing, much to Raine's consternation,
much to my relief. Got a phone call from Mickey Straw.
"Hey babe, might be interested, we have caught someone
on the CCTV."
"Oh? I haven't had any post?"
"They were loitering with intent, it's only because
they got disturbed that they didn't post anything.
I think you should see it-on my way round. Oh and Becks?"
"Mmm?"
"Wear something hot."
"Up your bum!"I laughed, but I was worried, what would
be on the tape? And what should I wear?
Answers please!
Becka Martin

A BOY'S ROOM

Sorry I have not written for the last couple of days,
I have been feeling slightly depressed about everything.
Max, my lovely (hate to say it) toy-boy is already over,
that is I finished it. Firstly because I was starting to
feel the wrath of Big Shirl and secondly because he took
me home to his Mum's place and I saw his little bedroom.
It was all ok at first, I knew his Mum was out for
the evening, she had a super house in Dulwich and we
were chilling in the living room with a bottle of vodka
and a bowl of chunky chips. We started kissing and Max
led me upstairs to his mother's bedroom.
"No way Max! I'd feel awful!" I would too, it's not nice
to shag on other people's beds, you have to have some
manners after all. The bed was good though, kingsize and
oval in shape, covered with a deep red satin cover.
"Blast! None of my other girlfriend's mind!" He grumbled.
"Well tough! I'm different, for starter's I'm older."
"Age is a real issue with you isn't it?" He stupidly
asked me.
"Like duh? I'm a woman aren't I? We have this youth thing
rammed down our throats at every opportunity. Of course
we are going to worry about aging!"
Then we reached his room. Oh dear. A poster of Slipknot,
Korn, Cradle of Filth and finally something I understood,
PJ Harvey (but only 'cos I look a bit like her).
Pinned up were pictures of girls, real girls not stars,
obviously ex-girlfriends. The real killer though was the single bed, with the Star Trek duvet cover and Farscape
lampshade. He sat on the end of the bed grinning at me,
already I could see his erection straining the denim
of his jeans. Guess what? Suddenly I felt, nasty, old,
cheap and definitely not in the mood for sex.
"Mmm, Max, I feel terrible, really bad!" I lied, that's
what I do, lie when I'm in tight spots. His young
face creased with concern.
"I'll get you a couple of aspirins-be right back!"
As young and hopeful as a gazelle, he was off. I sat
there chewing my nails and wondering how I was going
to let him down gently. He was lovely and gorgeous,
but he was too young and he was ultimately not Alan.
Suddenly I heard the door open downstairs and two
pairs of foot steps sounded on the stairs.
Shit! I was going to get busted by his Mum! At my age
too! Oh the humiliation. Max opened the door beaming
and ushered in his mother.
"Becka, this is my Mum, Mum this is Becka my new
girlfriend."
My mouth nearly hit the floor, it was only bloody
Angela Grade!
Shit! She glared at me, I goggled at her and beat a
hasty retreat-would I still have a job to go back to?
Becka

NO MORE MRS NICE-GIRL

First and foremost, to make myself feel better, prettier
and desirable-I decided to seduce Max. He was the Gothy,
sexy, Depp-ite who was nearly young enough to be my son.
I dragged Alex with me too (as a prop) and waited with
Shirley at the bar until my intended prey showed up.
"Saw your old Ma, looks very well." Said my bosomy
barmaid.
"You can have her if you want! Stinking the flat out
with fags and generally acting like a complete control
freak." I puffed deeply on my own cigarette to make a
point.
"What's she back for anyway?"
"Dunno! I guess she's split up with that Italian
geezer, Gianni. Mind you he was a wicked old ponce!"
My eyes caught sight of Max as he entered with a
dazzlingly lovely girl of about 18. Oh. So that was
that then. When he saw me his face lit up into a
gorgeous smile.
"Becka!"
That was it, I was entranced and so was he. Alex
and Shirley sat dourly at the bar (like book-ends)
giving me old-fashioned looks. Who cares?
When I got him up and running so to speak, I realized
where were we going to go? Mother was at mine and
Max lived with his folks.
"It's no good-it'll have to be in the car!" Said Max
enthusiastically. Balls. It was all right for him,
he was 20, I'm 34, it's a bit saddo really. In for
a penny in for a pound. I'd forgotten what it is
like to sleep with a really young guy. He was so
smooth and soft and hard in all the right places. I
began to realize the absurdity of the situation,
here I was sitting in a parked car by Clapham Common
with my arse in the air. Could life be more perfect?
Tomorrow Mission Alan.
Becka

RUSSIANS

Rather then deal with the whole sorry Ruth episode,
I, queen of denial decided not to tell Alex. At least
not last night. I was happy, I had my bezzie mate back
who had brought me a darling red top from LA which said
'SKA' on the front. I gelled my hair into little peaks and
put enough glitter eyeshadow on to shame a drag queen.
We went to LilacLace and was pleased to see the proprietor,
the human Easter-egg was absent. Neck, the deadly henchman
was though. His black eyes glittered when he saw Alex (I'm
sure she had shagged him at one point)and he smiled
at her.
"No Grady?" She enquired loftily.
"He's on holiday in Ibiza, would you like some cocktails
girls?" Neck was in charge and we didn't have to pay for a single drink. However the night was not without incident,
turning I saw Alan talking with Pru in one of the booths.
"Shit no!" I practically gagged on my White Russian.
"Alan? Oh so that's Pru, pretty isn't she for an old
girl." Said Alex observantly.
"What shall I do?" I felt like wringing my hands
(and Pru's neck) in frustration.
"Do nothing, dance, have a good time, show him what
your made of."
So although I wanted to rush over and grab him, make him
notice me, I just danced quietly with Alex and
tried not to look at him.
"Is Alan looking at me?" I asked.
"No."
I wiggled my hips:"Is he looking now?"
"No! I'll tell you when he looks, shut up!"
We danced somemore, I felt like I was auditioning
for Flashdance, so much effort was I putting into it.
"Ok he's seen you, they both have."
"And?" I went low and felt my back groan at the indignity.
"He looks fazed, she looks angry. I would say you've
got yourself a result. Uh-uh he's coming over!"
"Hello Becka, Alex." Said the quiet, familiar voice.
I turned slowly and felt my heart melt like soft wax,
whatever Alan said, I knew that we were meant to be
together. He still looked thin and his hair had grown
a little, but he was in better shape then last time I
had seen him.
"Alan!" I kissed his cheek, aware that Pru was glaring
from her booth like Medusa.
"It's really good to see you again." Something
flashed through his eyes, regret maybe? Then Pru
walked across the room like a legendary British actress.
"Becka my dear!" She boomed in her husky voice.
"How charming you look!" She was wearing Prada I think
in deep ruby, a shapless dress that enhanced all the
right places.
I felt like a tramp on a day out- before I had
felt so good-so boss. She had a knack of making me
feel cheap and tawdry.
"Likewise." I said shortly and introduced her to
Alex.
"Have I seen you on the catwalk?" Asked Pru.
Alex laughed:"No, but if you buy your clothes from
catalogues there is a very good chance you would have
seen me!"
"Maybe not then." Said Pru frostily.
"Well." Said Alan, he looked helpless:"I think we
should go Pru." Before he could say goodbye Pru
stopped him.
"Alan! You haven't told them our news? Oh dear!
Men! Look at this:" She showed a square cut diamond
the size of a thumbnail. "Isn't it exquisite? This is
out, 'try-again' ring."
"Excuse me, I feel a bit sick." I swayed and Alex
caught me.
"Oh? I hope it wasn't something I said?" Said Pru
grinning evilly like a wicked queen step-mother.
"No, just too many White Russians, all that cream."
My good friend said as an explanation-even though it
was obvious I was upset.
Alex ushered me to the toilet and true enough I
really was sick. At least she did not have to hold
my hair this time.
"Are you ok Becks?"
"No I'm not! Well this time I'm going to get mean!
No more 'Mrs Nice-Girl!"
And I meant it-no fucking around-this was
war!
Becka

ALEX THE GREAT

Unbelievable! Mother actually left the flat for a change,
instantly the air was fresher and more breathable. So I
decided to stay in and fantasize what it would be like when she was gone for good! Evil cow that I am.
However 7.30pm last night there was knock on the door.
Alex! What a shocker!
"Bloody hell babe! What are you doing here?" I screamed
happily giving her a bear-hug.
"I'm sooo bored Becks! Really, really bored. All I ever
do is hang around waiting for Sean. I thought I'd come
back for a couple of days and see what happens. Try to
resurrect my failing career." She looked well though,
toned, golden and hair curly and natural like Macey Gray,
except it was tinted auburn.
"You haven't split up with Sean have you?"
"No way! He's great, but he could see I was suffering.
I'll just stay a week or so, nothing major. Anyways,
how's it been with you?" (Her couple of days had already
turned into a week or so. Ho-hum.)
"That's too sad a song for tonight! Fancy going to
LilacLace?"
Luckily she did, later as I was dancing my socks off
I remembered Max, the babychange hottie. He'd keep.
Becka

TOO EARLY


Awoke this morning firstly to the sound of Mother
snoring, she had the bedroom-I was reduced to the sofa.
Then I became aware of a drilling sound, it seemed to be coming from my wall. I opened the window and was surprised
to see an old guy fitting brackets just below my bathroom
window.
"What's going on?" I demanded, he looked at me, very
fetching I looked too in my WonderWoman T-shirt and
matching pants.
"I'm fitting CCTV, the Copper down there requested it."
I looked down and saw Mickey Straw sitting in his
battered Megane drinking a huge coffee. I came down and
got into the car with him.
"Like the pants, legs eleven!" He leered.
"Actually I've only got two. You could have told
me about that guy-it could have been embarrassing."
"Nah, your shameless!" I hit him hard in the leg.
"Becka I think this might do the trick, the camera
should catch everything." He placed a warming hand
on my thigh, I removed it quickly.
"I don't like it! All the houses with CCTV around here
are the first to get burgled."
"You haven't got anything worth taking!" Sneered Mickey.
"Fuck you! What about my telly, computer, sound
system?"
"To be honest they are all shit, if you left the
door open I'm sure nothing would go missing. Might
even take pity on you and fetch you some stuff!"
This time I punched him in the arm, enough of his
sauce!
I left him to it, I'd best get Mother up and start
the day. I don't know what I'm going to do yet
for this evening. Half tempted to see if the Sexyboy
is at the pub.
Becka

SEXYBOY

I'm not good at this office stuff, cutting and
pasting does not come easily for me. Angela has the
patients of a saint, however her morals are far darker.
She keeps touching me, leaning against me, playing with
what's left of my hair. I ask for it I guess as I'm that
gorgeous (yeah right!). I feel like I've pushed myself
into a corner now, no escaping. Mother is still at home
stinking out the flat with nicotine, at least it's put
me off the fags, I might even quit!
To cheer myself up I went to The Twisted Gut last night
to have a bevy with Shirl. She so comforting-must be
the breasts-motherly.
"Tell me all about it love." She says and slaps those
big whoppers on the counter. You don't know where to
look. I told her everything (well an edited version)
skimming of course over the Angela episode as she
just wouldn't understand.
"Seems to me Becks, none of your men are right for you.
Jeff is a shit, Mickey is married and Alan, well he
was never going to handle you dear."
"Really? I thought he handled me just fine-and in
all the right places! Oh god Shirl what am I going
do?" I placed my hot face on the smooth counter.
"Get your sweaty mush off my paneling! I've just
polished that!" She scolded. "If you want Alan you
are just going to have to get him and stop shagging
other people for a start!"
"I don't shag just anyone." I grumbled:"Jeff and
Mickey are ex-boyfriends!"
"So that makes it ok?" She shook her head, very
Diana Dors tonight with freshly bleached hair.
"No, but I've 'done' them already, it's not like
I'm picking up men in bars!" I surveyed the talent,
non existent, 2 old men with flat caps, a yob with
a Burberry baseball hat and a punky young man who
looked like Edward Scissorhands. I did a double
take, he really did look like Johnny Depp but he
was about 20. Babychange. Couldn't help but look
though. He caught my eye and pulled out his tongue.
What? I stuck two fingers up in a Kes salute, he
laughed and I could see a tongue stud.
"Whose the young blood?" I asked Shirl, very interested
now.
"You are old enough to be his mother!" Roared Shirley,
very disapprovingly:" That's Max, he's a friend of
my oldest boy Jordan."
The next minute he was at my side.
"Buy you a drink? Love your hair by the way."
What could I do?
"Thanks, I'll have a brandy and coke."
I might have slept with him (in another reality)but
but then he started to count out his change on the bar
and I realized my error. He was too young, everything was wrong-we were not a match.
"Honey I'll have to go, sorry." I smiled my best smile.
Shirley smiled on approvingly.
"Another time then?" Said the boy:"My name is Max
by the way."
"Nice to meet you Max-by-the-way, I'm Becka."
We shook hands and there it was, attraction at it's
finest and most pure. The match might not be perfect
but it had firm foundations. Namely in my crotch.
"I'll see you another time then Becka."
"I hope." I said and left while I still could. He was
a honey of the first order. Suddenly I felt old and
jaded, but he had liked me hadn't he? Can't be that
bad can I? Not too shoddy!
Becka

BRAG-WALKING

Justine was furious when she saw me walking around
the shop floor with my PA badge, snazzy suit and
killer smile.
I ran a finger across her counter and checked it for
dust. I know, I know-but I could not resist it.
"Piss off you!" She snapped, I think I like this girl,
so easy to push all her buttons-must be the short fuse.
"What a way to talk to your superior!" I laughed.
"Just go Becka." She said pleadingly:"What are you here
for anyway? I thought you worked in Head office as
Angela's lackey.
"Well-yeah. But I do get out sometimes and Angela seems
to think that this area:" I pointed to Justine's
counter and my make-up stand."This could do with
revitalising, a bit like your brain cells really."
"Bitch. What have you got in mind?" Her vapid eyes
honed in on me. Eeeww!
"I don't know yet, but really it all looks a bit
'Grace Brothers' and dated. Oh look who is my place! I
walked across to see little Zoey running the counter
all on her own!
"Hey Zoey! I thought you were at college, what happened?"
We hugged and her smile slipped.
"You could say it was a clash of personalities, they
didn't like mine, so I got booted. You left just in
time for me to get your job."
I frowned, it had been bloody hard getting the job
when I was younger. I had to study hard and get all
the right qualifications. Zoey just walked into it.
Sods law. I put aside my jealousy.
"I'm happy for you, really." I smiled:"But get
those exams eh? Then you won't get stuck here and
maybe you can work with real models or stars."
"Maybe, but I'm doing well at the moment." And so she was.
Which leaves me to sort out, obviously I will need
allies if I have to evict Mother. Hmm started to think
of Jeff in a whole new light. Especially after that
spanking.
Becka

TRASH

Oh the indignity! Mother and DC Straw are sitting,
drinking and smoking like old friends! It was another
story when I used to date him as a youngster.
Mum used to call him 'That Trash kid!' But maybe she's
mellowed with age and he is kind of sexy. They are
laughing and I sorely feel that they are laughing at me.
Which aint nice.
"Well Becks my sweetheart at least you have your Ma
to stay and what good timing too!" He smiled cherubically,
I felt like flattening his face with my fist but I
contained myself. Like you do.
"Mickey when are you going to find this bastard?" I
demanded.
"Working on it. Must leave now-goodbye Mrs Martin.
Mother smiled at him and patted her hair.
"Come and see us soon." He winked at her and she had the
audacity to blush! Huh!
I growled at Mickey in the hall.
"What are you playing at you prick? Smooshing my
Mother when you know she hates your guts!"
DC Straw looked abashed, then he put his hand up my
top and squeezed a stray nipple.
"Always had a lot of time for your Ma, don't be
jealous! I really am glad she is staying with you."
"I'm not!" I protested and removed his hand, the dirty
git.
"See? What a nice young man! Lovely looking, so polite!
You should have got your claws into him years ago.
A Detective, now that's a real-man's job." She
said approvingly.
"As opposed to what?" I argued but as ever she was off
with the fairies.
"Ooh if I was only 10 years younger." She said wistfully.
Blast wish she would go, I don't seem to have any
sanctity or sanity in my life anymore.
Becka

BAD PENNY

So Mother is back and here ends my freedom until
she sees fit to go again! One thing you should know
about my Mum, she's not nice. No really, she makes
Joan Crawford look like Nigella Lawson! When we were
children, Sister-thing and myself would often be left to
our own diversions whilst Mother went out to look for men.
She said that she was far too young to be tied down with
a couple of snot-nosed brats. This was after Dad had died,
so she must have been about 28/29, quite young.I
must have been about 7 or 8 and sister thing, 9 or 10.
Sorry I can't pin it down, but it was a long time
ago.
"Look at this fucking flat!" She stormed as she blew
smoke from her nose that the dragon that she was.
"It's ok, only pick-up stuff!"
"Then pick it up! It's my flat after all!"
This was true, I don't ever think of it as her's though,
I live in it so it's mine. So I tidied, with Mother
behind you-you can do anything. This is because it
is preferable to do what she wants then for her to actually
talk to you. Rant at you I should say.
"What's going on with the hair? You look like a
freaking dyke!" (Mother spends far too much time in
New York).
The phone rang, before I could reach it the answerphone,
cut in and Sister-thing made a sharp mistake:
"Becka! It's Raine, a little bird told me that Mother
is back in town!"
Before she could say anything else Mother had snatched
the phone up:"Yes I am Lorraine! When am I going to
see my fucking Grandson?" I faintly heard poor Raine
squeak 'shit!' But at least the heat was off of me for
a few moments.
"Anything to drink in this disgusting hovel?"
"Ah, tea?"
"Don't be so soft! Scotch." Already I could feel my
self reverting into a snivelly little kid.
So she drunk my booze and raved at me with the zeal
of a lunatic.
"I heard that Jeffrey left you? What a shame, but
a man like that will always go for the best he can!"
This was from my own Mother, man! But she was never
on my side, or Sister-thing's come to that. She used
and manipulated us to her own effect.
"The girl he's gone for is a model-type air-head.
She might look better but she doesn't think better
then me." I was already 15 and sulking.
"Mmm, well the proof of the cake is in the eating
isn't it?"
I told her about my fab new job, omitting details
about Angela Grade's 'special' relationship with me.
"Well that's something I suppose." She grumpily
conceded:"But": there always was a 'but' with Mum
"Lorraine is still stuck in that no-hope office job,
what a disappointment!"
I glared at her, after all, she had made us what we
were. It was a joy to go to work today to escape
from her.
When I returned home I practically needed a gas-mask
to enter the flat because of the haze of fag smoke.
"Christ Ma! Can't you open a window?"
"Don't you window me! I found this on the mat this
morning, what is going on Rebecca?"
Of all the times to strike, Postie had to make a return
when Mother was here. I felt quite ill.
Postie had posted a photograph of myself, sitting
on my Vespa looking grim and moody. It was the words
written in lipstick that did it though.
BECKA MARTIN IS A BIG DYKE-WHORE
"Can you explain to me what is going on?"
"Ah-no."
Becka