Friday, December 31, 2004


I awoke to find myself strapped onto the surgical
bed which took centre stage in the eerie little room.
I could see stars, really, just like the cartoon
characters do when they've been thumped-little
sparkly twinkling lights. Cool.
I could see Justine sitting in the corner shaking like
a whipped dog (or a junkie) and Jeff hooning around
the room like King Mad from Insane Land. Shit. Estelle
was dressed in a plastic nurse's uniform which strangely
did not instill trust in me. Skinner was nearest to me
but because of his contact lenses, his eyes were
unreadable. I watched Jeff for a moment, he seemed
dreadfully excited in the way a 3 year old with ADHD
would. He was practically bouncing off the walls and
hugging himself with glee.
"Ah she's awake! Show time!" He said in a really bad
Jim Carey voice.
"Jeff you are perhaps the corniest and most annoying
man that I have ever met." I mumbled from lips
that had been split. He must have decked me on the
second punch (see Mum was right, never spit on
people). Because my hands were tied I could not feel
what damage had been done. I guessed a black eye,
a split lip, a bitten tongue (which I ran along my teeth-
they seemed ok) and maybe slight brain damage.
I meant that too-when I went to turn my head the
pain was unbearable and I started to dry retch.
"Lovely!" Said Nurse Nutter and wiped my mouth
with a Jeye cloth. Ugh.
"Look at this- Becka sweetheart, does it not make
your little heart sing?" Said Jeff in the voice of
the truly dangerous.
Turning a little I caught sight of perhaps the world's
largest vibrator. This guy was about 2ft long and
about 6inches thick, I stared at it.
"Oh Jeff you finally found something big enough
to put in your gob." Why am I so mad? Long story.
Jeff slapped my bare thigh sharply.
"Not the right answer!" His voice was high and brittle.
Skinner stood up, I could see sweat running down
his bare head and face. We all were sweating.
"Master? Is there no other way? I like the girl. Please,
I'll do anything to keep her, don't hurt her."
See this would have been very gallant if he hadn't
sounded like Uriah Heep that is.
"You like her! Who the fuck are you Skinner?"
Jeff was furious.
"No one! But Becka is so very special to me, maybe
we could make a trade of some sort?" The bald
guy was trying hard I'll give him that.
"Sit down Skinner! And shut the fuck up! I need to
think!" Jeff's shirt was clinging to his body, his very
lovely, very sexy body, what made him so crazy?
Really it could not be me.
"Right I've decided that I need a moment alone
with Becka ok? So all get the fuck out of here,
wait outside and I shall call for you understand?"
He snarled, Justine and Skinner were already
making for the door. Only Estelle stood her ground.
"You surely do not mean me? I'm your wife!" She
spat angrily, if her words had been acid Jeff would
be in intensive care by now.
He strode across to her in 3 angry strides and caught
her up by her hair, he shook her head angrily and
threw her down. Quite a lot of blonde fluff remained in
his hand.
"Understand now?" He menaced and pushed her
out of the room.
Jeff sat down at the end of the bed and stroked my
legs, hey I was naked! Still could see stars though.
"Oh Becka! I've fucked it up!"
Next moment he was on top of me and do you
know for a millisecond I felt pity for him.
Suddenly I felt something trying to enter me and it
was not Jeff. Oh it was the dildo from hell!
I could not even close my legs! This was really it,
death from a blunt instrument, what a way to go-
oh the shame of it!
Then all hell broke loose.

Becka Martin

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


I did not want to die like this-I did not want to die
at all, but especially not in a room with a credit
card swiper and two perverts.
"So? Now what? Don't you think I might be missed
eventually, Alex is out there somewhere (where was the
bitch?) and Skinner might be your boy, but he likes me.
I'm sure he wouldn't be too thrilled if you hurt me."
I said wildly.
"Skinner!" Estelle laughed the ice cold manic laugh of
a fruit-loop:"Skinner might like you honey, but he's no
knight in shining armour, he'll do as he's told, ah speak
of the devil." From her tone I could tell there was no
love lost between them. Skinner glared at her and
stared at me in shock. Ditto.
"Are you alright?" He whispered.
"Oh yes! What do you think?" I snarled showing back
molars and he gave me a miserable look. I noticed
Justine cowering behind him, she was nude and
completely stoned. So no help there then-Shit- now
I was in a room with a credit card swipe machine
and four perverts, my luck had to change didn't it?
With all of us crowded in the small space the
temperature began to rise and it was not at all sexy,
more like a breathless, sweaty, reckless feeling of
'something bad is going to happen to me'. Not at all
I decided the best way to stay alive was to keep
talking (you speak to your enemy constantly and
they realize that you are human like them and
so they don't kill you. Well that is the theory, I
didn't invent it!) So that was what I did:
"Jeff, you know maybe it's not too late for us,
to ah, come to some agreement?" I gave him my
sharp smile, then to Estelle:
"You are lucky having Jeff, he's fab, but then you
are so pretty I can almost understand why he
left me for you ." I gushed.
Justine muttered something like:" Pretty pathetic."
Under her breath. Yep had to agree with that.
"Skinner! What a date this has turned out to be!
Remind me to date you again when I need excitement-
every date is a winner!" (Even though your willy is
like a chipolata) .I was beginning to make myself sick-
besides that everyone was ignoring me. Justine
watched me avidly though , I wished she wasn't naked.
Jeff suddenly and quite viciously punched me in
the stomach winding me, I slipped to the floor as
simply as that. I suppose I was going on a bit.
"Enough talk Becks! Don't you see-this is quality
time now?" Jeff's eyes bulged in his head.
"Jeff?" I whispered between gasps of pain.
He crouched down in front of me:"Yes?"
"You prick." I said and he smacked me across
the temple. I have to say there was nothing
sexy about this sort of pain. Definitely not a
smack on the buttocks with a paddle.
"Master?" Said Skinner with some concern.
"Shut it! Look as I see it, Becka Martin is now a
brand, this might be the original, but let's face it the
template is flawed, we can do better." Jeff shrugged
and pulled me up, my head really hurt and I was pretty
damn sure I had whip lash. I had to keep fighting.
Queen's 'I want to break free' was on repeat play in
my head. I hate that song.
"Tell me Jeff, when did your last brain cell finally die?"
I laughed and spat in his face. Bad move really.

Becka Martin

Friday, December 24, 2004


"So welcome to Club Excite, what do you think?"
Said Jeff. He was acting like a child with ADHD and
my arms hurt terribly, he seemed to be bouncing
off the walls. If he wasn't 'on' something I'd eat
Mickey's pants (again).
It was just a room about as big as a standard lounge,
painted a weird matt red that looked like old blood.
The walls were bare, the floor was a cracked and aged
lino. A hospital bed took centre stage, it's sheets were
clean but my heart lurched with a sudden overwhelming
feeling of doom. Beside the bed stood a trolley with
instruments, medical and non-medical. That was it.
That was enough! Oh and there was a machine to take
credit card payments, nice touch, classy.
"Jeff what is this all about?" I asked.
"Well it's about you and me, isn't it? Hasn't it always
been?" Jeff grinned his bleached out smile.
"It was about us, until you went all blonde and bland
on me. You fucked it up." I reminded him, it's great
to be in the right.
"Not so bland now." Said a spiteful voice that dripped
with venom. Estelle. How lovely. "In fact you would
find me a girl after your own heart. Literally."
"What is this stuff with Justine? She is your friend,
what are you doing to her?" What a heroine I am!
"Justine is your replacement or she will be when
trained." Said Jeff and he stroked the back of my
neck. I shivered and not, I add, with desire.
"What do you mean replacement? I'm here buddy,
the one the only original Mad Becka!" I bragged,
well I call it stalling. Estelle snorted the said:
"You are quite a star Becka, all the guys love you!
Look at Pru, she admired you so much she wanted
to be you, that's how we found her actually, she
was already on the way to being a Becka clone. She
just needed some fine tuning."
"You killed her." I said (perhaps foolishly).
"Ah ah ah!" Said Jeff and wagged an admonishing
finger in my face:" We didn't kill her! We encouraged
her to kill herself, she was becoming a bore."
"Nice. What was that battery thing all about?" I had
to know.
"Oh you know about that? Nevermind I'm sure you
can be trusted, the battery was my idea of a joke.
It was all about 'power' and I had it and Pru didn't.
You see she loved the sex, a complete dirty old whore
she was really, but she never liked us charging people,
so I guess that would make her a slag rather then a
whore what do you think?" Jeff's voice was as pleasant as
if he was talking about grocery shopping.
"I think Jeffrey old thing, you need help mate! You
were always a very dirty boy, but never this depraved."
I tried to curl my lip in a Elvis-like sneer, but it
was more Billy Idol. I scared no-one.
"What are we going to do with her now?" Said Estelle.
"Ah my beautiful wife." Said Jeff and stroked her blonde
curls:"I don't know what to do, it's not something I
thought would happen though I hoped for it very much!"
Jeff smiled eerily at Estelle. "What would you suggest?"
"I think you should have your way with her, then
finish her. After all we have Justine as the new patsy,
eventually she can become 'Becka' too."
"You are crazy bastards!" I said and tried to back away.
"Yes, I suppose we are." Said Justine:"What are you
going to do about it?"

Becka Martin

p.s Happy Christmas!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


You can imagine my poor trembling little legs, I
half expected to see the ant-Christ himself. Instead
I saw The Shit.
"Jeff you bastard!" I laughed with relief and threw
my arms around his neck. I was aware everyone
in the crowd had fallen silent and Skinner and Justine
seemed in awe.
Jeff peeled me off of him and pushed me lightly away
from him.
"As you were. I'm enjoying the show." His voice was
strangely hollow.
Skinner gulped a couple of times and I could see
sweat standing out on his shiny scalp. To think I
had fancied him rotten before. I must have been
particularly sad and lonely at the time.
"Becka, use these." Said Skinner and passed me some
spiteful looking clip things.
"What are they?" I asked doubtfully.
"Clamps, not too painful. Justine's favourites."
He said sardonically. I looked at the jeering crowd,
Justine's scared face and my conscience.
"Oh crap! Fuck this for a game of soldiers!" I
began to try to untie Justine's ropes. Try being
the operative word-they were way too tight and
complicated for me to work out.
"What are you doing?" Hissed Skinner.
"What's it look like? Games over, I'm taking her
home." I bloody was too, she looked like crap
and I was sure that she needed medical attention-
not more pain and perversion. Serve-what bastard
had done that to her?
Suddenly I felt my arms grabbed from behind,
Jeff's strong grip nearly lifting me off my feet and
dislocating my shoulders at the same time.
"Oi!" I squawked in protest.
"Shut up Becka! You are going to learn a few
new tricks tonight my girl! Skinner play with
' Patsy' give your audience what they want."
Jeff began to half drag me through the crowd,
nobody tried to stop him not even Alex.
Hey where the fuck was she?
"Alex!" I screamed at the top of my voice.
"Alex has been escorted off the premises by
that lovely butterball, Grady. Good to have a
friend so sympathetic to my needs."
"You always were a sick cunt Jeffrey, but this
is ridiculous! Where are you taking me and where
is your bimboid wife?"
"I'm taking you to EXCITE, Club X-it the place
where all your fantasies come true. Estelle is
already there waiting for us." His eyes had a
mental cast to them.
"Estelle will be less then delighted to see me."
I muttered, we were at the back of the Thrumz
now and going towards the bar. A side door
to the left was opened and I was bundled through.

Becka Martin
p.s Sorry about all the delays in posting folks!
Christmas, Sister-thing's panic over Mother
arriving , cold etc enough excuses!!

Friday, December 17, 2004


Being up close and personal to Justine did not
make me think all my Christmas dreams had
come true. I think I would have rather have
attempted DIY root-canal work then been in
such extreme proximity to the evil dead.
"Tighter." Said Skinner to Justine:"It has to be
much tighter to support your weight." Poor
girl was now standing there in her cami-knicks
and vest top, Skinner was tying her up in one
of his contraptions. Alex was rolling her eyes
in the most exaggerated example of boredom
I have ever seen.
"I just don't understand it at all, you perves
getting off on the rope shit. It's crap, why not
spend more time on hygiene and personal
grooming instead? That's attractive, not acres
of quivering flesh."
"Don't talk about Grady like that!" I teased and
before she could bite my head off, Skinner was
beckoning me to join in. Deep joy. Justine was
hovering pathetically, you know me, I like a bum
burner from time to time, but why make yourself
so vunerable for other people's enjoyment?
Skinner began to wrap red tinsel around the rope-
I suppose to be festive (or ironic).
"Kiss her." He ordered me.
"No!" I said in horror.
"Kiss her." He hissed under his breath.
Personally I'd rather kiss my arse but:
"Sorry." I mumbled and kissed Justine lightly
on her pursed lips. She looked like she had just
had a sip of bleach.
The crowd made a murmuring sound of approval.
I smirked at them, someone laughed. Skinner
"Keep it professional." He said.
"Right!" I laughed then suddenly, viciously,
Skinner tore off Justine's top to reveal
breasts of course. What were you expecting
the mark of the devil?! However she was boasting
some unusual markings, namely a tattoo that
said 'Serve' , a cigarette burn near her left nipple
and 3 dark bruises on her back.
"Eeee." I said aloud to no one in particular.
"All for you." Said Justine bitterly.
"Huh? I don't get ya?" I leaned forwards so
that she was whispering into my ear.
"It's all for you, all of it, how does it feel to
be so adored?" Again the bitter voice, I still
didn't understand.
Skinner brought forward a small whip which
he cracked making the crowd coo and catcall.
Why catcall? What does that mean? Anyway
you get the picture, shrill arse-holes getting
worked up. Skinner began to lightly slap
Justine's buttocks and back with the whip,
whenever it made contact with her bruises
she flinched.
"How can you do this in front of everyone?"
I said in horror, Justine was not this kind
of girl.
"I told you, it's for you." She smiled again.
"Kiss her." Commanded Skinner, I used this
opportunity for my own agenda.
"Look what shit are you involved in? Is it
drugs? Did you know Pru?"
I think the Pru bit got a reaction, I kissed her
roughly, after all I was acting. She tasted of
breath mints.
"Pru! I never met her, Estelle said that she
was a nice little hobby. I hate you Becka,
you've never done anything worthy of the
love you receive."
The whip cracked very hard against Justine's
back and she cried out in pain. Shit had Skinner
over heard? His hands began to probe around in
her pants, then deliberately he pulled them down.
Can you imagine the crowd? I gave Skinner a
puzzled look, I'd never seen this much nudity
in Thrumz before.
"What are you doing?" I said.
"I'm pleasing my Master." He smiled horribly at
someone standing behind me. I shut my eyes
tightly and turned.
"Hello my dear, enjoying the show?"
Becka Martin

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Sorry about the delay in writing, been busy and
such with Xmas and goings on! Right back to the
chase, Alex and myself attended Thrumz happy
in the knowledge that Grady (fat man die) owned
the joint!
Ruth had cut my hair and removed the last of the
extensions, my hair looked like it was in shock and
it was very mulletty. I only needed to scream
'Merry Christmasssss!" and I would be part of a 70's
glam band. Too bad-'cos my arse looking pretty darn
fine in my black jeans and I wore a sparkly green top
which left most of my shoulder's and back bare. Alex
was gorgeous in a simple ash coloured vest and
cropped black trousers. Hate her.
Skinner greeted us as soon as we entered.
I felt my heart doing it's mad dance but felt
reasonably safe at this time.
"I thought you would come alone." He whispered
in my ear.
"I never come alone." I said dead-pan.
"Remember you said your'd get involved in
the act." He warned.
"I trust you." I said, lying of course.
Alex was looking at people disdainfully, it looked
like she could smell something very very bad.
"Lighten up honey-I'm the cabaret." I said as
I passed her a Christmassy cranberry and vodka.
"Don't show me up." I think she was enjoying
being top'ho.
I drank deeply, then because I can, I did tiger-
breathing, letting the air fill my lungs and letting
it out with a whoosh.
"Stop that." Commanded Alex (you know she is
very stern, very S&M).
But it had worked, I felt filled with energy and
adrenalin. I my hip glanced against someone, I
turned to apologize.
"Justine!" I said (for it was she).
"Shit!" She grumbled, not my name but very
close. Actually she looked slightly better,
dressed in an understated black suit and
make-up applied to cover her lack of life.
"Embarrassing huh?" I grinned, I would
have loved to have milked this.
"You could say that." She said miserably.
"Who are you with? I'm with Alex, not exactly
Angela's scene is it?" I teased.
"No but then we are history now." I saw something
flit across her face. Something different, emotion
even. Not bad for a revenant.
"You liked her a bit more then you let on?"
"No comment, anyway here's the man." She
nodded towards someone. Skinner.
"I'm glad you two ladies know eachother, it'll
make the act that much easier." He said.
My heart sunk faster then a toaster in a
swimming pool. Justine's eye's looked panicky
and overly-bright. Was she on something?
I couldn't be sure.
"Ah Master, it might not be appropriate-I
work with Becka." She said in a terrible
crawling little voice.
"Justine! Did I give you permission to talk?"
He snarled.
"No sorry!" She looked around for help, there
wasn't any.
"Your still doing it!" Skinner bellowed.
"Oh leave her alone-let's just get on with
it." Whatever 'it' is. Skinner gave me a look
of unbridled fury. Alex intervened.
"I need another drink." The barman hastily
filled her glass.
Skinner clapped his hands together twice,
the dry summoning sound stopped the
music and chatter.
"The performance will start!" He shouted and
a ragged yell lit the air.
"This scene is entitled 'Tinsel and Tongues'
enjoy it!"
Are you hooked? Well maybe not as much as
Becka Martin

Saturday, December 11, 2004


I phoned Skinner:"Yo skinner?" I said, yo? I know-
"Becka." His voice was cold and stilted, pissed off I'd
"Sorry it's been awhile, busy with work, you know
how it gets." I gushed.
"Indeed but you ignored my calls and I even texted
you, I never do that." Still pissed off, I'd best try
"Ah honey don't be mad! I'm sorry-really I am! How
can I make it up to you? Anything! No nude stuff in
the street though." I warned (I'd been caught by
saying 'anything' like this before, not pretty!)
"Come with me to Thrumz tonight, be part of the
act." His voice was teasing now, although my initial
reaction was to say 'piss off!' he had me though.
"Look I don't want to be like Ruthie, stripped and
humiliated in public (and loving it) any other ideas?"
"I promise you that it will be fun and I really
don't want to share you with anyone. Come on
gorgeous, say yes and leave the rest to me."
See he talks a good game doesn't he? Unluckily
he does not have the equipment to follow through
though. Wanker.
"Alright! No nipples though." I warned as my final
"No nipples. Oh I bumped into your pal Ruth
the other night-did she tell you? It was at
LilacLace." He asked.
Fuck, he'd been with Jeff, Estelle and Justine
that night. What could I say?
"Oh she did, said you were with our mutual
I tried to have a light, carefree voice, it however
verged on hysteria.
"Umm. I had wondered if you were jealous seeing
as I was with another girl. You had no need to
worry-I was just 'breaking her in' for a friend."
His voice was silky and sweet but at that moment
I hated him like shit. Poor Justine (bet you thought
I'd never say that eh?)
"No Ruthie said it was cool, we're not exclusive
anyway are we Master? "
"We could be-if that's what you want." Skinner
said tantalizingly.
"It's great as it is, maybe when we know eachother
better." I said encouragingly, he seemed ok with
this and we spent another couple of minutes
talking complete bollocks (as you do).
So I'm meeting him tonight, lucky me eh?
Phoned Mickey (Top bird he called me).
Phoned Alan but hung up when Jude answered.
Couldn't be doing with twins at this delicate
time. Much too distracting.
Told Ruthie and Alex that I was going to Thrumz.
"Not that awful fucking place again!" Shrieked
"Thrumz? Grady owns that, only found out
recently." She smiled at me proud I guess to
be top bitch of a club owner. Then it hit me
like a ton of rice pudding.
"What?! Grady owns Thrumz? Since when?"
I shouted into her face this was not good at
all and confusing!
"Back off! I don't know do I? He doesn't exactly
advertise the fact. It wouldn't do alot for his 'hood
credibility-I mean it's a fetish place."
I ran a hand through my sweating extensions.
"Ruthie cut these fuckers out of my head! Alex
dress up nicely we're going out." I was thinking
"What about me?" Said Ruth with her bottom
lip sticking sulkily.
"Not you this time-I have a feeling I'll be much
happier with Alex." I meant safer, but I did not
want to scare them.
"Thanks a bunch!" Snarled Ruth and grabbed
a lock of my hair. Made my eyes smart it did.
"You have no idea what I mean, so trust me
huh? Both of you?" I did the old 'pleading eye
thingy'. I'm too good really I am.
"Will you tell us what is going on?" Demanded
"In a word-no." I said with a heavy heart.
"So we have to trust you?" Said Ruth.
"Be easier." I said (for me).
"Have we a choice?" Alex again.
"Nope." I held both of their hands tightly.
"Mad bitch." Said Ruth and set about my hair
briskly. Alex squinted at me then shrugged.
"Ignorance is bliss." She said.
Becka Martin.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


Mickey thought I'd be 'turned over' by the enhanced
picture grinning at me from the PC screen. No, I was
merely dismayed (disgusted and angry) but mostly
pissed off. The bastard.
The picture showed Pru naked skinny and elegant
like some sort of thorough-bred mare with her
'Becka hair' tossed wildly. She was pleasuring herself
with something that looked like a root vegetable,
namely a turnip or carrot. In the background you
could see Jeff 'The shit' laughing with his dick in
his hand. Nice.
"Got more." Said Mickey in a voice like a seedy
"Do show!" I said sarcastically, there was no love
lost between Mickey and Jeff. But he didn't have
to look so gleeful about it.
The next picture showed Pru laying legs akimbo
(at crimbo! Sorry that was sick) and Estelle-(yes
Stella-face!) was eating away at her snatch like
some freaking vampire!
"I wished I hadn't seen that one! What next?" I asked.
"The nitty-gritty ones are still with the lab-boys.
But needless to say one very married and pervy couple
will find themselves under scrutiny before long!" He rubbed
his hands together, he was getting off on this the sick fuck!
"When? I mean they could be dangerous." And Pru
looked uncannily like me (in an elegant if older way).
That had to mean something. Like me next.
"Don't worry, we're nearly there. You must stay
close to Justine, got a vibe about that one."
"S'all right for you! What am I anyway? Cheap
fucking labour, I aint even a frigging Special Cop,
am I insured or not?"
"Your always be special to me! And you are
covered, if they bump you off Raine will be a
rich woman. Not much longer Becka, I promise
this will be resolved before Christmas."
"Don't tell Raine about it! She'd off me herself!"
(Would I do that? Tee-hee, Rainex)
He reached across and kissed me gently on my
throbbing temple. Then he slipped his hand
down my top. I had a choice here.
"Fuck off!" I sat up abruptly:"We are moving
away from any of that! So please stop touching
me for one bloody second." Jeez you have to
beat some guys off with a stick!
"Alright keep your hair on! Just being friendly-
like! Have another date with Skinner, be nice
to Justine, it's all running just the way I like it."
Mickey smiled a 'smug bastard' smile.
"I don't like the idea of dating Skinner anymore,
he's involved in this crap. It's dirty." I flinched
the guy made my skin crawl now. I've ignored
his texts and calls, Mickey would not be impressed.
Good job I wasn't going to tell him.
"Skinner is a pussycat, you've not got any worries
on that score." Mickey grinned broadly. I bit
my lip, best get it over with-this had been
bugging me for awhile.
"Mick, I should have told you this but Skinner
said that Jeff bats for the other side. That
they had been lovers for want of a better
word." I watched this register on the
Dectective's face.
"No." He shook his head:"Not Jeff. Skinner's
lying, don't know how or why, but he is." He
said firmly.
"You don't know that! Skinner told me!"
"Bullshit-whatever he's up to it aint Jeff's
arse." He said doggedly.
"Have it your own way (you always do)
but I'm worried sick. Every blasted person
I know seems involved in this mess."
"Honey you don't know the half of it!"
Said Mickey ambiguously.
"So tell me."
"Nope-get yourself to a pervert madam!
Go on, phone Skinner, be nice, look pretty."
"You know what Mickey? I worry about
you sometimes, are you sure you've cleared
this with your superiors? Because you are
acting more like a hood then a cop." I had
a point don't you think?
Mickey avoided my eyes.
"I'm a good cop, but I do things my way."
"Megalomaniac!" I hissed and left him to
it. So I shall phone Skinner.
Becka Martin

Monday, December 06, 2004


'Here's the season to be jolly, tra-la-la-la whateva!'
You know I think if Scrooge was a current fella,
I'd date him, he wasn't half as bad as Dickens
said. I mean it's like Christmas! You must be happy,
it's the law! What's that? Have a mince pie, no room
for sadness, ill health or bereavement at Christmas.
But then I'm a misery after all.
Guilt issues aside (Sharon)I would feel happier.
But Christmas is not geared to single lonely folk,
involved in complicated murder cases.
Never see Alex now, she seems to have moved in
permanently with Grady-chops, a man singularly
suited to swimming the Channel. Lard would not be
an issue. Ruthie is walking around with a twinkle in
her eye, so I guess she's up to something. Not that
I care, silly cow.
Mother phoned the other day, I thought it was a
man at first. Nearly right.
Anyway, she is coming around to see us soon-
Raine is not happy, she's thinking of going
to a Kibbutz or something.
Saw Alan today and it was painful.
I was chatting to Zoey, who was very sad that snow
had to be white. When Alan walked past the counter,
he hadn't noticed me but: "Hey!" I said. He turned
sharply and seeing it was me, smiled.
"Becka. And how are you?"
I must admit he looked rough, hair unkept, a wispy
stubbly growth covering his chin and top lip.
But he was still my Boo and my Baby-boy.
"I'm great! What are you doing here?" I could feel
my bottom lip trembling.
He smiled and raised a couple of carrier bags.
"That time of year right? Got to do it."
"I haven't even started yet!" I laughed nervously.
"That's just like you." His eyes sparkled:"Anyway,
I must get on. Lots more to do."
My heart was doing a pitter-pat thing.
"Maybe we could have a drink or something?
Hasn't got to be today!" I said hastily.
Alan smiled sadly:"No, I don't think that would be
a good idea-do you?" He had such need in his voice,
but he was passing me the responsibility. You know
"Maybe not." I said ruefully:"Then I kissed his
rough cheek which felt thinner then ever. "Take
good care of yourself and have a really good
Christmas if I don't see you before. Tell the twins
to cook for you , your getting skinny!"
He kissed me firmly on the lips:"Will do. I hope
you get everything you want, this Christmas
and forever, I mean that Becks, I've only ever
wanted the best for you."
"I know that!" I clutched the front of his frankly
dreadful old tweed coat and felt wretched. If
I wasn't such a slut, if he hadn't slept with Pru.
It was there, the love, really there, everything I had
ever wanted. Yet it was out of reach-pushed away
by other people, was it really too difficult to pull
it back? It was for now-perhaps later, I could make
it all stop but: "Love you." I said and
let him move away from me.
"Look after your little self." He said, his shoulders
seemed to sag, then he was lost in a tide of shoppers.
'Little self', who else but Alan would call a geezer bird
like me that? Who else would I let call me it?
"Fucking hell." Said Zoey, who was listening with tears
shining in her eyes. I couldn't deal with her as well.
"Coffee" I said and slouched off to Starbucks,
I would need a latte the size of my head to make
this feel better, oh and a really nice doughnut for
Justine-still hadn't given up on her entirely.
She was worse today, for all my Zombie jokes
aside, she looked like shit. And she smelt terrible-
like mildew. Justine looked like I felt- bah humbug!
Becka Martin

p.s Mickey Straw phoned.
"Oh sweetness and light? Your'd better get you
arse over to the Station. Wait to you
see this picture, it will turn you over!" He chuckled.
So something to look forward too.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Guilt does funny things to a person-like excess
chocolate consumption and an irrational urge to
kill an 'I told you so' sister.
Can't get my head around Detective Straw (yeah-
yeah you know what I mean!) We've known
eachother like forever! And we are still messing
eachother up.
"I always thought he was perfect for you." Said
Sister-thing Raine:"But you can't have him now,
Mick's got responsibilities, move on, get over it."
"It's easy for you!" I scoffed:"With your perfect
marriage and unruly hair! I should avoid Mickey
like the plague, but I'm drawn to him on account
he's the best shag I've ever had." This was the
truth, he was my first and I'll always have a soft
spot for him.
"Sex is not everything, well maybe it is for you but
that can be fixed with therapy. Leave the men
alone for awhile, concentrate on staying alive.
What did Mickey say to you after your little,
ah, blip?"
"He said he's mad in love with me and he's
going to leave Sharon and the kids and move
in round Ruthie's so we can shag day and night."
Raine's yap fell open.
"He didn't!" She squealed.
"No he didn't! 'Course not, he loves his wife and
kids. We just have history." I bit off a square
of Green and Black's Mint chocolate and let it
melt on my tongue.
"You know what they say about history."
"No?" Was I in for some Sister Creed?
"It's in the past, best to leave it there. Oh and
don't eat all the chocolate you greedy fat bitch."
Then Raine hit me on the head with the rest of
the bar. How rude.
I know that Mickey is just as screwed up as
I am about the situation. Somethings can't be
fixed, because their not broken just wrong.
So I've now got to work on Justine, I've tried
buying her coffee but she's in such a state I
doubt if she notices. Tomorrow I will try to
do something different.
Becka Martin