Saturday, July 31, 2004


I was reading my very first entry to this blog (god it feels ages
back even though it isn't) I was raving about my hair. I really
miss having hair-I'm not myself with a short cut. I whinged so
much on the phone that Ruth turned up at Alan's door (much
to his dismay) carrying bags full of extensions.
"I thought this might shut you the fuck up." She mumbled, also
avoiding Alan's eye. Shortly he said:
"Well I think I'll leave you ladies to it." I hoped he wasn't going
to the pub to drown his sorrows. Though he probably was.
For the next five (yeah 5) hours Ruth worked on my hair, it
bloody hurt and I had a tension headache. I grumbled and
groaned like a bag-lady, Ruth hit me repeatedly on the head
until I stopped. When she was finished I looked in the mirror
and saw:
1./The troll queen
3./Diana Ross (In the chain reaction video)
4./myself fully restored and gorgeous!
Ok-it was a combination of 2 and 4, I was happy, I had hair,
though it was not quite my hair.
It was good enough for me though-I kissed Ruth's feet happily.
"Get off you big queer fool! I only did it because I was sick and
tired of you looking like Rent-A-Dyke."
"I feel like a princess!" I gushed, easing my waist length hair
through my fingers, so silky.
"Hey this feels like real hair." So realistic on account:
"It is human hair, you doof!" Said Ruth:"From India or Russia,
whatever, they don't want it, you got it, who cares?"
"I bloody do! Maybe they did want their hair? Ever thought
about that?" I was faintly horrified (though not horrified enough
to cut it all off again).
"If they did, then they did, bit late now to worry about it. But
your happy with it?"
"Love it." I admitted shamefully, I definitely tell Alan it was
"I'll just trim off a bit, looks too long." Said Ruth.
"No! I want it all!" I'd only just got it.
"Sit down!" She barked and trimmed it anyway, had to admit
it looked much more believable. We ate the remains of the Indian
meal we had ordered and then Ruth got a cab home. What a star
she was!
I wondered what Alan would think of my new look. Then rather
shamefully I imagined Master Skinner tying me up with my own
hair. Oooh!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


Really I should not have done this-phone Master Skinner
again.  But there you go-I am an evil bitch who is twisted
and perverted. I also happen to like the guy.
"Thought your'd be back." Said the far too confident voice.
"Yeah-I am! Wondered why you thought I was the kind of
girl who would have to pay for it."
"I think you are the kind of girl who is far too scared of what
she really is and really wants to be."
"That so? You just want your £150 quid!"
"There is that!" He laughed surprisingly high like a girl-not
exactly a turn on.
"Got any freebies?" You don't ask-you don't get.
"Cheapskate! All my charity work is done at Thrumz and you
are far too repressed for that!"
"No! I just don't want all and sundry seeing me get my jollies is
all!" Cheeky bald sod!
"And you would be getting them with me. That is definite."
"I'll see you Skinner."
"Master Skinner to you!" He stormed.
"Master!" I spat the word from my mouth like it was a piece of
filth:"I don't think so!"
I should be so happy-on cloud 9. Try cloud 2. I've got Alan and yet
it's crap, he's morose and moody and not at all up for sex.
I just want to hold him in my arms and love him, still separate
bedrooms. Did I mention the extreme lack of sex?
Becka Martin

Sunday, July 25, 2004

I'm back in the hub of contentment, back with Alan am
I happy, hell I'm not! Because the conditions are not right,
ok anything is better then Raine's couch but still this could
be so much better.
1./ Alan could at least pretend to be happy
2./ Why am I sleeping in the spare room?
3./ Alan should stop drinking immediately
4./ Master Skinner's card is burning a hole in my pocket
I phoned him in the end.
"Skinner it's Becka."
"I thought you might phone." he sounded quite arrogant.
"Well I have."
"£150." he said.
"Excuse me?"
"I charge £150 for a basic S&M session-extras to be
"I see-you sound like some sort of male Brass." I had a bad
feeling about this.
"I like to think I am providing an affordable service for special
folk." His clipped voice grated on my nerves.
"Right-well anyone who calls me 'folk' has to go, bye." I hung up
on him. Honestly do I really look like a woman who has to pay for
it? Cheeky bugger.

Thursday, July 22, 2004


Last night I slept fitfully on Raine's sofa wishing that I could
get Master Skinner out of my head. The man was bad news
with a capital B for bastard.  I could hear in my half-sleep
Sister-thing and D getting it on and from the other room Aidan
gently snoring.  I shouldn't be here, I did not belong in a family
unit I was a freak!  Then the door sounded,  I went to open the
door but D stopped me.
"I'll check it out, could be a crack-head or something." (Did I tell
you he was deeply paranoid?)
It wasn't-it was Alan, standing there, disheveled but still
gorgeous. D looked at me, then at Alan and decided to retreat.
"Becka I'm so sorry, I'm just a sad git." I ushered him in and
made him a coffee as I could smell whiskey on on.
"What do you want Alan? Really, what do you want of me." The
worst part was I looked like a complete prat, checked shirt and a
hole in my knickers. (You never look devastating when it really
"I just want us to stay friends, I can't offer anything else, I'm a
drunk for fucksake!" He said bitterly.
"That's good-I can do friends." After his drink we curled up on the
sofa together, not at all sexual-just out of great need.
"Move in with me? The spare room of course?" He asked as he
stroked my hair.
"I can do that." And I could, at the very least I wouldn't have to
sleep on a sofa again.
Becka Martin

Monday, July 19, 2004


Well LilacLace it aint! Where upon Grady (ole butterball's)
club is the height of good taste and wisely invested money.
Thrumz was more of a do-it on a skanky budget style. The
walls were painted matt black and were sticky with
condensation (at least I hoped it was!) everyone was
tricked out in fetish gear.
Big turn off! I'd bullied and pestered Ruth until she agreed
to come with me. She had on a little rubber ( milkmaid)
dress (black of course) and thigh high boots. I was wearing
my leather tousers with ankle boots and a red plastic basque
purchased for this very evening. Though I must admit we
looked positively normal compared to everyone else.
Everywhere you looked people were being licked, bitten and humiliated. Like christmas time for perverts.
"Christ Becka! This place is disgusting!" Said Ruth and
wrinkled her nose in distaste. She had a point.
"Hmm, let's see what's going on then." We linked arms and
primly swam the crowd. A woman with a shaved head and pierced
nipples winked at Ruth who shuddered.
A man had caught my attention, he was shaven headed and
wearing leather trousers and a studded belt. He was busying
himself with a hoist and a length of rope.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He smiled at me to reveal two silver vampire teeth glinting
in the half-light. His eye's had those crazy contacts in that
made them look like a cat's. He was about 30 and obviously
a bodybuilder type.
"I'm making a swing." He said in an impossibly posh and
clipped voice.
"Oh? That sounds harmless!" I laughed, Ruth shrugged and
went to the bar where she talked to man who had two rats
sitting on his shoulders.
"Harmless?" The baldy smirked:"I guess you are new or else
you would have seen me in action. The name's Master Skinner."
He shook my hand, I winced because he was wearing studded
knuckle dusters.
"Becka. So what's it for then?" I checked his trousers-very
nice too.
"Why do you want to try it out?" I could see him eye me up
and down, I suddenly realised that he was about 7 foot tall.
I felt small and girly for a change!
"No! I'll watch you though, it looks interesting."
"Chickenshit." He said under his breath and then loudly:
"Ok girls, I need a volunteer!"
A buzz went around the club and a few woman crept forwards.
"Take me Master." Said a hot blonde.
"No Nadine, your getting greedy now. Next!" He grunted.
"Me!" Said an oriental girl with blue hair.
"No Li you always start crying. Next!"
"Master I'm your slave." Said a gorgeous girl with a shaven
head and multiple piercings. He looked her up and down.
"Your getting too fat Chrissy! Next!"
"You sound like Simon Cowell!" I giggled, Master Skinner
glared away. It was strangely exciting.
"Watch out or I'll make you do it!" He warned.
I shut the fuck up-it wasn't that exciting!
"What about me?" This was Ruth! I gawped at her.
"Ruthie no! What are you on?" I laughed. Master Skinner
looked at her. Obviously she is very cute and thin.
"Yes you will do, strip off to your panties and take your
bra off." He was warming to his task.
"Um can't I keep them on?" Ruth protested.
"No. Now strip!" Master Skinner grinned as she peeled off her
clothes, god knows what funny kick Ruth was off on, but she
certainly got more then she bargained for.
"I don't want to be whipped and no butt stuff!" She warned
as she undid her tiny bra. A collective gasp from the
audience at her exposed breasts.
"Right, now straddle this." He commanded and put a rope
between her legs, placed a hankerchief each side of it
covering her decency.
Ruth gasped as he increased the pressure, then he bound her
chest with rope until her little titties stood out engorged
and rosy. Then he raised her using the hoist, she began to
rock gently at first.
"Oh Becka!" She moaned. It looked like she was riding a
horse, he pushed her harder, the rope bit into her tender
skin and obviously between her legs. I could see her bite her lip.
He took a knife out!
"Whoah!" I said and made to grab it off him.
"Don't worry, just relieving the tension." He explained and
cut her g-string off, she plopped down harder on the rope.
"Oooh!" She moaned:"Oooh aaah ooh!" It seemed to go on
forever, every shudder and tremor I could feel too. All the
time Master Skinner kept his eye's on me.
The crowd were like:"Woooaaahhh!" I felt the same.
She jerked and shuddered on the rope and then reddened.
"Get me the fuck down!" She skrieked and fled naked to the
loos with a stunning round of applause banging in her ears.
"Do you think she came?" I asked.
"Everytime." Said Master Skinner: "They always do-so will you."
He placed one of his cards down my top, squeezing a nipple painfully on the way.
"Maybe we should meet privately." He said and winked, I
gasped and ran after Ruth who was fuming.
"Why did you do it?" I asked a bit in awe of her now.
"I wished I hadn't! I did it for a laugh, but I'm not
laughing now! I've never ever came so hard and so painfully!
I don't think I will walk tomorrow." She nagged. But my
head was buzzing, didn't like the idea of an audience but
very much liked the thought of Skinner manipulating me.

Saturday, July 17, 2004


Well I've officially turned into a muppet, how could
I be so stupid? I turned up at Alan's house dressed in a
black shift dress and fuck-me pumps that were beautiful but
were killing my feet. I'd blow-dried my hair and slicked
it behind my ears, I hoped that I looked a little like
Audrey Hepburn. I bet I didn't. I carried a bottle of Absolut
vodka as a peace offering. He opened the door and wow he looked like shit! I'd been waiting to see him for so long and he made a tramp seem classy! Alan's hair stood in greasy little twists, he
had a Fred Flinstone chin and his eyes were red and watery.
He was wearing a faded grey sweatsuit that looked none too
clean (personally I wouldn't greet the bin-men in that get-up!)
and on his feet were horrible holey socks. Nice touch.
"Hey Alan!" I gave him my sharpest smile, he glared at me.
"Becka. What are you doing here?" He made no move to let me
into his house, I felt like a Jehovah's Witness.
"Well, I heard that you and Pru had split up and I thought
that you could use some company. I missed you." Gave him
that killer smile again.
"Oh you did? Yes she breezed into my life and wrecked it
again. And now you." His eyes narrowed bitterly.
"I just thought we could have a drink and a chat. Nothing
heavy." My smile was a bit droopy now.
"Well the last thing I need in my life is you Becka and I
certainly don't need any alcohol considering I've been on a
massive binge for the last week." He had a wildness to him
that I had never seen before.
"Well we don't have to drink. Maybe I could make you some
supper, or phone for a pizza? Are you going to let me in
Alan?" I sounded a bit squeaky and desperate now. He looked
me up and down.
"No. I don't think I will, thanks for coming round and if I
ever need a shag, I'll call you. Goodnight!" He slammed
the door in my face!
My heart was beating in my chest like a drum, I looked
around to see if any of his neighbours had noticed. They
had. I could see the curtains twitching away. Shit.
Especially the 'If I ever need a shag' part. That burned me.
It really did.
So that was what he thought of me-just a slag I guess. I'd
show him slag! I walked to the cab office with my feet aching
and my head ready to explode. I'd show him something! Right-
so where was that nightclub THRUMZ that Jeff had taken me to
ages back? Did it still exist? It better bloody well had-
as a good S&M session is what I need now.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


I've been like a junkie today-sweating, chain-smoking
using the loo a lot (no change there then)and constantly
thinking about Alan. Angela said I was a dead loss and sent
me home at 1pm, (which was great) I managed to find myself
on the Embankment Bridge looking out over the Thames. They
say the water is cleaner now (they lie) it was the colour
of chocolate truffles. Still I have a soft spot for old
London (in the head)and sometimes wonder if I will ever
leave it. Can you imagine me in the country? Country pub
maybe, but I can't be doing with all that silence and
stuff, it would sent me ga-ga. I need bustle and trouble.
Then it happened-an old lime green D reg Escort pulled
up and out strode THE WOMEN WHO CHANGE CARS, they were
impeccably dressed as ever and would never see sixty again. They got into a fantastic! Gorgeous! Deep metallic blue Daimler! I wanted a car like that-so bad it hurt! I would sell my Vespa, nay I would sell my soul to own a vehichle like that. Who were these old girls? What was it with the cars? I had seen them three times to date now, would I ever find out what they were up to? Would it change my world?
I inhaled deeply on my metholated ciggie, the time was
ripe, I would go to Alan's place, see if he was ok.
Shag him senseless. Something about those bloody women was
so inspiring.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004


It all started last night, after I had returned home to
Sister-thing Raine's, I noticed that I had two missed
calls on my mobile. It was Alex. I phoned her back.
"Alex? It's Becka, are you ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine, really good and at this moment having
a quick smoke before I go back to doing a commercial for
"Pepsi-get you! Is it a fantastic part?"
"Nah, I walk by with a crowd of girls and smile to show
my perfect teeth. Listen I wanted you because I thought
you would like to know, Alan and Pru are history! She
dumped him!" I could hear Alex's chest wheezing, too
many Marlboro lights no doubt. My own chest felt tight
for different reasons.
"She dumped him? Why?"
"Pru's gone back to looking for fresh flesh, she's dating
a 20 something, how completely sick." I could practically
see Alex wrinkle her nose in distaste.
"But you date a 20 something, Sean's younger then you."
I reminded her.
"Oh that doesn't count. Look must go and grin like a
ninny. Hope it's cheered you up anyway, poor Alan-he's
really crushed."
"Bye sweetie, thanks for telling me!"
I then did a lap of honour around the front room, kissed
D hard on the mouth, pulled Raine's hair and placed
Aidan on my shoulder like a monkey.
"Pack it in! What's happened?" Demanded Sister-thing and
saved her terrified child.
"Alan and Pru have split up! What could be as good as
this moment? I want to savour it! Do you think I could
risk going to The Twisted Gut?" I did a little dance on
the spot. D rolled his eyes and Aidan giggled.
"Poor Alan-look your going to have to play this cool,
don't go turning up on his doorstep or anything. As
for Shirl I'm sure she will forgive you, she always does."
"I'll risk it then!" I was on seventh heaven, what the
hell does that mean? What happened to the other six? Oh
well thought I better scrub up the old body and sort the
hair out! I pulled on my black leather trousers, it was
a bit too hot for them really, but who gives a shit?
A skin tight vest top in red and my hair spiked up.
I danced across to the pub, happy and hopeful again,
I had got my VA VA VOOM back and hopefully I would get
Alan back soon too.
p.s and I was still considering turning up on his doorstep!

Monday, July 12, 2004


Call me stupid, irresponsible or just plain crazy-
but I awoke this morning with the devil in me. (whoa!
not literally!) I decided or rather my actions decided
that today was going to be different. In the office Angela
Grade gave me the look she usually reserved for dog's poo.
Nice start. I grinned at her and winked, I began to log
onto my computer, humming and tapping my foot.
"Are you doing this on purpose Miss Martin, this irritating
behaviour?" Angela had on her sunglasses so I could only
expect she had a hangover. Teehee.
"Nope." I said and shrugged, obviously to irritate her further.
"Do you want to go permanently back to the shop floor, is
that it?" She demanded, standing by my desk with her hands
on her hips. (This is the usual stance people have when
talking to me).
"I wouldn't mind." I admitted.
"Stupid girl! Don't you realize that you have a brilliant
job here with me, obviously it means nothing to you."
She looked sad and put a stray strand of hair behind
her ear. Look I'm absolutely gagging for sex and a certain
kind of sex at that, I had nothing to lose. Hell why not?
"I do like working with you, but to be honest you've been
a complete arsehole lately and I'm sick of it." I smiled.
Angela shook like jelly, the little roll of fat on her
chin was most animated.
"You ungrateful little cow!" She snapped.
"You miserable old bitch." I complied.
"Do you want me to fire you here on the spot?" She was
practically shrieking. I smiled right back.
"No, I want you to bend me over that chair and beat me
on the buttocks to within and inch of my life!"
"Right! Your fired!" Glowered Angela, I shook my head.
"I'm not going anywhere until you correct me."
I began to pull down the zip on my French Connexion
"What are you talking about?" Angela looked shocked but
I pulled down my trousers to the knees where they hung
in a rather unlovely manner, I also had on very shoddy
cami-knickers. Oh well, only details. I bent down and
leant over the chair.
"The quicker you do it the quicker I leave." I wiggled
my bum, which was aching with anticipation.
"Maybe I was too hasty, maybe I don't want you to leave
at all." Said Angela back treading quickly.
"Whatever happens, I'm not moving from this position
until you give me a spanking. I can stay here all day if
you like and we've got the window cleaner coming at 11am,
what a pretty sight that would be." I felt fantastic, I
was powerful and in control, obviously this would need
correcting. Angela edged closer.
"How do I do this? With my hand? How hard?" She asked.
"Hit me with the bloody table! But just hit me, you
fat, power-crazed middle-aged lezzie!" Perhaps that was
a bit too harsh, but it got the desired result.
"Middle-aged?" Angela said with a roar and actually
kicked my bum with her incredibly pointed shoes. Ouch.
"Fat? Well that's hormones!" She gave my buttocks a
earth shaking wallop with the back of her hand.
"Power-crazed?" This time she was unfastening her belt,
she hit me very hard with the buckle end.
"Are you sure you haven't done this before Angela?" I
was most impressed.
"Shut up!" She looked like a demented nutcase, her
hair was wild, her face red and sweating. She kicked me
again, this time in my side making me fall onto the
carpet. At this very second Mr Matthews, one of the
Directors came into the room, I managed to see his
feet in time so that I could pull my trousers up.
"What is going on Angela? All I can hear is your voice."
He asked and I saw his eyes drop to the belt in her
hand. I, of course, saved the day.
"It's alright Mr Matthews, Angela was just getting
panicky because she had lost a contact lens, I've just
found it though." I gave him my very best, sunniest
smile. I saw him take this in, I'm sure he didn't
believe me for one instant.
"Oh , well that's alright then. Sorry to have disturbed
you." He blushed
After he left I fell about laughing, but Angela just
stood there mortified.
"You are a liability." She moaned.
"Hmm, well I think you've managed to crack a rib or
two." I rubbed them and winced, it was fine until she
kicked me off the chair!
"Thanks Angela, I think that was the best time I've
ever had in this office."
"Pervert." She muttered:"How can you like that?"
She asked.
"I just do, it's fun!"
Angela fussed over me all morning and for the first time
in ages took me out to lunch.
Damn her pointy shoes.

Saturday, July 10, 2004


I awoke this morning absolutely aching for a good
S&M session. I realized at an early age I was slightly
perverted, when my friends told me they had been spanked
I was always jealous. Now I've never been one for scenes,
Jeff once dragged me to a fetish club and it was way too
much for me, although we found a private booth and that
was ok-I never could quite relax when I thought people
could see and hear me getting off. But now I'm not so sure.
It must be desperation, or loneliness (how pathetic!) but
I just need a good bum-burner, a hot spanking to correct
my wayward thinking. The best part is that nobody knows
that I'm like this, not Ruth, Alex or even Raine. It's
just something I share with the guys I date, it's a matter
of trust. I would be mortified if anyone found out-ok
and here I am writing it down for all and sundry to read
(yeah like anyone ever reads my blog!) but I think it's
very unlikely that anyone would ever find me here. I could always deny it and say it was a work of fiction!
Staying with Sister-thing is going to cramp my style,
sex here is out of the question. I miss Jeff, he was
not a Master or anything, but boy could he use a paddle
to good effect! I wonder if they do escort spankers,
'Come round here and give me a good seeing to!' Oh it
would be too gross, a bit seedy, then I am getting pretty
desperate, perhaps I should reconsider the S&M club?
What was it called? Um, Thrum, yeah that's it THRUMZ,
what a scuzz-bucket name.
Save me

Thursday, July 08, 2004


I was sitting on the loo whilst Sister-thing took a
bath, this was how small her flat was. It was just lucky
all I wanted to do was pee. I had just told her in depth
how much I hated Mother, Justine and Estelle and newly,
bloody Angela Grade. But most of all I hated Pru for
snaring Alan with her sophisticated mature woman act.
"Look Becka, you are the one who jerked him around and
your silly friend Ruth! He must have thought you were two
silly girls, your so immature. She shook her curly hair
spraying water over me (so much for maturity).
"I'm 34." I growled wiping the droplets off my face
with some tissue.
"Well act like it's not your IQ! I personally have begun
to think it's too late to get him back. Your'll get over
him in time and he is happy now." She covered her hair with
a rich conditioner that smelt of bubblegum. Mmm nice.
"I could make him much happier! Pru is so boring, she
isn't funny like me. Oh and can I borrow that conditioner?"
"If you want, you borrow everthing else! Maybe you just
think your funny, maybe everyone else thinks your a pain
in the arse. Ever thought of that?" She said helpfully.
"No I hadn't, thanks for putting that little germ of
negativity in my head, you bitch." Ruthlessly I plucked
my eyebrows, wishing I could inflict a similar pain
on her.
"Careful or else you will over pluck." She warned.
"Like duh? You don't say!" I glared at her and she glared
right back.
"I don't care, have drag queen brows if you want."
She sneered and set about shaving her legs, I smiled
when she nicked herself. Ouch that had to hurt.
"Look you are putting me off! You have finished peeing,
so please fuck off!" Raine snapped.
"I thought you were on my side." I said sulkily:"I thought
you would help me-I was wrong."
"Bloody hell! So melodramatic, I am on 'your side' dopey!
I just think it's time you started to change a bit,
maybe grow up and start to think about other people,
you know, other then yourself! We exist too, we think
and feel and have all the traumas that you do. We just
don't make such a meal of it is all."
"Who made you chief lecturer?" I snapped, the sauce of it!
"Well I guess Mother did by having me first and I've
been with D forever so I do know how to make a relationship
work." She looked so pleased with herself just like a ruddy
plump chicken.
"Maybe you have it all with D and little Aidan, but
you should not be so smug!"
"Oh I have it all do I?" This time I realized I had
probably over stepped the mark. "I work ridiculously
long shifts in the Call-centre, D's got sociaphobia
and I hardly ever see my child. We live in this shit-
hole because we can't afford anywhere else. Oh yeah I
have it all, such riches, they've gone to my head."
To make a point she threw a wet sponge at me.
"Oi! Pack it in!" I yelped. "Look I'm sorry, I just
mean your lucky to have D, that's all, someone who loves
you and wants to be with you for keeps. Not like that
shit Jeff."
"Ok, but you are a really pretty woman Becka and I'm
making a point by saying 'woman', you've got to lose
this girlishness. If you must idolize Alan like this
then I suggest you see him and tell him what's in your
head. Then move on. Whatever happens, it's for the best."
"Easy for you to say, he might break my heart again."
"He might, but you will get over it."
"I don't want to get over him. I love the bastard."
The thought of being without Alan forever was
inconceivable-it could not be done.
"To be honest I don't think you love him half as much
as you think you do." Said the Sage of the bathroom.
"Oh? And how would you know that?" Darn, I did overpluck
a bit!
"Because honey if you loved him beyond all reason, you
would never have cheated on him because you would never
have seen the opportunity. You would have only seen him."
Sister-thing began to towel dry her fluffy hair.
"I hear what your saying and I think you are right
(in a way), when I was with Alan it was different, but
since we've parted I know that if I had him back I'd never cheat again. I have changed. I really have!"
"I dunno, you don't seem the faithful type, your like
Mother." Raine said with a frown.
"Don't you ever, ever say that to me again!" I slammed
the bathroom door hard behind me, waking Aidan and making
him cry (which I instantly regretted) what was I doing?
Raine deserved her rant, she had always been good to
me. D sat on the sofa and avoided eye contact with me
after a moment he said:
"Yeah, please." I could hear Raine singing to Aidan
and hushing him back to sleep.
When she came into the frontroom in her hideous purple
bathrobe I had to smile. "Sorry babe."
"I was harsh." She admitted "Nobody is like Mother."
Silently D gave us both a cup of tea and beat a hasty
retreat. "I'll move out soon." I offered.
"Now?" She smiled.
"Not that quickly."
"Oh and you got my hopes up too." She pretended to be
Then it was over, we were ok. But I have it in my head
now to make a last ditch effort with Alan. It just has to
be done.

Sunday, July 04, 2004


Saturday was a blast! I was back working on my counter,
almost blissfully happy or at least I would have been if Justine hadn't been staring so hard at me from her perfume counter. At least Zoey was pleased to see me.
"Oh Becka your back! I'm so pleased, did you get the sack?"
She asked with all the tactfulness of youth. Justine
chortled as though she had something stuck in the back of
her throat.
"Not exactly, but I'm back for a couple of days a week,
we'll just have to see how it goes."
"How nice! All your favourite customers have been asking
after you ." Zoey showed me the way she had 'streamlined'
by make-up stock cabinet (oh well I'd sort that out later).
I was so happy until:
"So it didn't work out with your girlfriend then? Shame,
I heard that although she likes her rough-trade she never
keeps them for long." Justine grinned showing her pearly
whites, oh how I'd like to smash them from her mouth!
To think I almost missed her!
I stared long and hard into her pointed, shrewish face.
"It's no good Justine, I'll have to say it, have you
been forgetting to take your medication again?"
She blanched even whiter (if that was possible).
"Jeffrey and Estelle's wedding was fantastic, I was a
bridesmaid I wore pale blue." She smirked.
"Always the bridesmaid?" I muttered.
"What do you mean by that?" She snapped, Zoey grinned
enjoying it all.
"I mean that Brides usually choose the best bridesmaids
they can to show themselves off, you know like a back-
ground? Usually really ugly ones, or in your case,
dead ones! Honestly Justine, is there any blood left in
your veins at all?" I gave her my shit-kicking grin.
"I hate you." She hissed and went off muttering to
herself. Ah, I was back. Now all I needed was somewhere
to live and a boyfriend.

Friday, July 02, 2004


Before I tell you what Ruth said, I just have to share
this experience with you. I awoke in the night to find
a warming hand on my belly, first of all I did not know
where the fuck I was, secondly it felt rather nice. Then
crystal clarity! I was at home, laying on my make-shift
bed on the couch, who was touching me? Jasper!
"Get off me you bastard!" I shrieked and gave him a
rabbit punch to the chest. His sickly grin was replaced
by a sickened expression and then he keeled over!
"What's going on?" Said Mother hurrying into the living
room (although she had found time to light a fag on the
"This lump of shit just touched me up, bigtime!" I
screeched, Jasper sat groaning on the carpet, his
eyes watering and his skin a livid, mottled red.
"I did not! Becka was uncovered, I merely replaced her
quilt, then she attacked me!" He glared at me.
"That's rubbish you dirty old tosser! Tell the truth!"
I snapped. The Ma swiftly slapped me twice across the
"Rebecca you are lying! You can't get a man of your
own, so you make trouble for mine, I've had enough of
you-pack your bags and get out!"
"But...whatever you say, why would I want to stay anyway?"
Jasper grinned at me triumphantly from behind my viper
Mother. "Your'll get yours!" I hissed.
I grabbed a bag and began to bundle up some clothes,
I was crying, how could I still cry at 34? I called a
cab and headed for Sister-Thing Raine's.
She opened the door with her eyes shut and her hair
fuzzing out like a halo. I told her what had happened.
"It figures." She said wearily and gave me a sleeping
bag. So I have moved to another couch-deep joy.
Ruth? Well that didn't go too badly, although I don't
think we will ever get back our old 'pre-shag'
relationship. She said I was a scumbag and a cheat but
she would rather have me as I was then not at all.
"I have to work on my jealousy issues." She admitted.
"I have to stop shagging all and sundry." I said.
"Mmm, we'll see, so 'The Shit' got married, wonder if
Estelle will have any little skidmarks?" Ruth grinned
"It does not bare thinking about." I shuddered, all that
time with Jeff and now he mates with a fluff-brained
moron. Men. He would make a good dad though.
"So what are you going to do about Alan? Bless your heart?"
Ruth smiled at me and I knew that perhaps it was going to
be alright after all. In time.
"Alan? When I think about him my heart goes all whoozy
and my head hurts."
"Sounds like love." She said.
"Sounds too late."
Becka (homeless) Martin.