Sunday, July 25, 2010


I spent the next couple of days moping. Alan thinks:

1./ I'm past it

2./ I have a fat arse (true)

3./ I am sad-tricky does he mean sad like teary or sad like

4./ He does not care because he hasn't text or phoned me

5./ There is no 5 just repetition of 1 to 4

Also Ruth hasn't contacted me this is because:

1./ She hates me

2./ Simon says no

3./ I called her a pussy

4./ Simon's killed her

5./ No 5 still worrying about 4

I spent this time productively. Jogging horrible,

eating salad yuk, doing crunches ouch.

Wondering if I should take up smoking, brandies driving my vespa

But the overwhelming need is to be shagged. Laid down hard
no funny stuff just hip action and plenty of it.

I wanna walk bowlegged like a teenager!

I want Alan to text me and I will not phone him or text
as I have some pride you know.

Best Becka xxxx

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Goo Goo Alan

"You are a sight for sore eyes!" I beamed at
Alan in the near empty pub we had found near the
tube station.
I was drinking vodka lemonade and lime and
drinking in Alan too. I was playing with my drink
really I hardly touch alcohol and I don't want to ride
that horse anymore.

"I have missed you, just never seemed right
contacting you after all this time. Still fate
intervened." He smiled and his greying black hair
fell into his face like a cool winters night.
Gotta love that man.

"Me too, all the shit we went through and the good
times too, kinda blocked me from casual contact
with you, know what I mean?" I said ruefully.

I had filled him in about Ruth, never his favourite
person but it made him laugh.

"I know she's dear to you but what an impossible woman!
Simon suits her to the ground." He smirked.

"No the way it's going, it's like she is disappearing.
Damn, I've lost too many people, you included! I'm
not going to lose her! It's like he's taken her fight
away. She's a er, pussy, for lack of a better word!"

"People change you have to get used to it Becks." He

"Do you think I've changed?" As soon as I said that
I could have cut my tongue out and thrown it across
the room! Eejit me!

"Um you've, ah. filled out a bit, you seem sadder
and a bit calmer. But essentially the same, it's not
been that long! Same old Becks eh?" He stroked my face.

"Sad old fat me yeah I get the picture! No worries I'm
jogging everyday eventually I will regain myself." I
wished he had said I was beautiful, sexy, but sad, fat?
A girl's bubble bursteth and then:

"You are not a girl anymore Becka, you are a mature woman,
changes are natural, look at my hair." He shook his icy
hair at me.

"Big sodding deal, I may be 100 years old but I will
always be a girl, to me! Yes you have great hair, so
do I but if I let my hair show it's greys then I'm
into old bagsville while you look distinguished. Not fair
and cruel." I sipped my drink, hateful really, bitter nasty,
not my old brandy and coke treat.

"You havent lost any of your looks Becka, please don't
get the wrong idea." The hand on my face again.

Hey bud unless you are prepared to put that mutha hand
between my legs take the fucker off me! I didnt say it though.

"I'm going to have to dash soon, will we stay in contact?"
He said it lightly as if it was no big deal.

"I'd like that." I admitted, trying not to sound too keen.

He smiled and he was a boy, happy go lucky. He grabbed my
mobile off the table and tapped in his number and took mine.
He remembered I was useless at all things textical. However
years had gone by. I was as savvy as the next middle years

"OK I will text you. Soon. Let me know anything that happens
with looney Ruth and the fantastic Simon." He kissed me
softly on the lips, winked and then swooshed out all dark
and glamour. Fuck it.

Best Becka XXXXX

p.s THanks Lindy for you everloving support xxxxx

Sunday, July 04, 2010


When I finally had it out with Ruth it was like a
kettle boiling over eeeeeeeeeeee!

"You don't like Simon do you?" Accused Ruth with her eyes
hot and flashing like Chucky.

" Yeah sure I like him just fine, this man who stole
my best friend and turned her into Stepford Wife without
the dress sense. This man that thinks every second that I
am going to jump his wife's bones and thinks that I am a
bad influence when in fact little Ruthie is the biggest
ho of them all, she put the Ho in Hobnobs and the knobs too.
Yes thrilled, absolutely delighted, ticketyboo oh joyous
union." I actually snarled, cool huh?

Ruth chewed her babyish lips.

"Is this because you could not be a bridesmaid?" She
asked amazingly.

"Well that was an issue, amongst a cast of thousand
others. Just what the hell are you doing with him?
Did this dude actually fuck your brains out? Cos you
are acting pretty well lobotomised from where I am

"You are so crude. You just don't want me to be happy
do you? Maybe you are jealous that I have a man that
actually wanted to marry me and you, look you have nothing!
Even your hot figure is going to pot." She glared at me
and I glared right back at her, we were a second from rolling
around on the floor with each other's hair in our hands.

"That will be it Ruth, I am a ugly fat arsed hag without a
man or shag and you are a fantastic worthy surrendered wife.
Whats not to covet?" I was leaving, the adrenalin was making
my hands sweat and I ached to put them around Ruth's throat.
How could she turn on me like this? When I had never ever
turned on her, not really not even when she was blackmailing Alan
and such. (Previous one hundred year ago entry)

I felt like leaving because I was gonna cry and I don't like
that very much.

I also began to think maybe I was a little jealous, but Simon
was a monster and I didn't want a husband like that, or come to
think of it a loco wife like Ruthie.

"I'm sorry Becks,maybe you don't understand it, but please
I am so happy it hurts, let this ride out and I am sure Simon
will forgive you in time." She put her hand on my arm and squeezed.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE kettle and boiling point reached.

"FORGIVE ME? FUCK SAKE RUTH! Whatever have I done that needs forgiveness
for from Simon? Everything we did was years ago, BEFORE Simon, he has no
right at all to be jealous or forgive me!" I was aghast, she had
fucking lost her mind to talk to me like that without a warning!

"Becka I love you, maybe if you came to our church to show willing?"
Ruth pleaded.

"Oh this is sooo good. Church! What next? C'mon just don the
sack cloth and ashes, they will go nice with your ugly clothes and
sad hair. Take the stick out of your arse whilst we're at it eh?"

Less then a minute later I was on the street. Fuck, what a mess. This
one not of my causing.

I headed straight down the tube station at Oxford circus, swiped my
oyster card and sat muttering to myself for the next 15 mins to I
changed to the Northern line.

There was a delay so I bought some chocolate to help with my fat arse
it was a Yorkie and I ate it 3 squares just trying to get the sugar and
fat into my heart broken bod. I sat there panting with my head in my hands,
next I lurched for the bin as chocolate and morning croissant did an encore.

"Disgusting!" Said a woman with a Sainsburys bag.

"Dibby skant." Said a teenage black kid.

" What happened to you?" Said Alan.


I gave him a big sickly chocolate coated smile.

Best Becka xxxxx

(C'mon guys I'm loney out here! Say something even if
it's fuck off loser, negative comments are
better then nada love Rainex)

Monday, June 28, 2010


Well we ticked over for sometime, me grudgingly seeing
Ruth when Simon deemed fit usually with him there with
us smarmily watching in case I suddenly had the urge to
pull down her knickers. Or with him in the vicinity,
with Ruth texting him constantly to make sure she hadnt
vacated to Dykesville pussylove town.

Then they married. Would you believe that I was not asked
to be bridesmaid? Or best person or best anything! No I
was relegated to the wierd table, no top table for me, I sat
with the dogy aunts and the far removed (from reality) cousins.

Was I happy? You betcha not. I wasnt even allowed to attend the
hen night. They had a sedate time in Barcelona and I stayed home
gritting my teeth. But I bared with it, this is what friends do
when a friend is acting like she lost half her brain cells.

To her wedding Ruth wore a dress which made her look like:

1./ Little house from the Oxfam Prarie

2./ A Hammer House Virgin

3./ Fucking ugly

I looked terrific navy maxi dress to show off my height and a
pair of killer silver wedges. Barbarela meedts Barbra Streisand.

The dress also hid my fat arse.

Sim Mr Groom Bastard features wore a navy suit that looked
like it was Armani and must had cost a trillion times more
then Ruth's thrifty shocksvilla dress.

She wore no make up and had her hair dyed a lovely shade
of mouse brown.

And she said Obey! When I heard the words I said No! Inwardly.

But it was done, a surrendered wife inthe flesh. I always thought
it was a kinkt thing with spanking and Masters. This was definately
less sexy and more sinister.

And where the fuck was Alex?

Best Becka XXXXX

(Thanks Butterfly and Lindy. Yeah had a hard time, then got better
then had no enthusiasm. Then went to my lowest. Then had no imagination
and then finally I crawled back to Becka street. Love you all!)

Monday, June 07, 2010


"What did you tell him?" I fumed after I had Ruth
to myself whilst laughing boy went to powder something.

"Everything, honest is the best policy in relationships."
Stated Ruth.

"Somethings are better left unsaid or at least to the
imagination! Jeez Ruth he thinks I Queen Dyke from
Lickety Split street for fuck sake!" I was fuming! Really
what a dozy bitch!

"Yeah, uh about that, I kinda changed it around a little,
I said that you were the instigator." She smiled cheesily
like a child overdosing on Babybels.

"Fuck you Ruth! So much for honesty! He gave me some Rules
to abide by if I want to remain your friend. The cheek of it!
I've known you like, forever and he's laying down the rules like
some tinpot dictator." I swigged my drink and glared.

"What did he say?" She asked.

" He said:


No contact without consulting him. (I will die)


We cannot be alone together (just in case I cannot
control myself around you!)


Any inappropriate behaviour will lead to loss of
visiting privilege's (Like you are our child in a fucked
out custody battle)


No physical contact at all (which includes hugs kisses
the usual (so a shags out of the question)

"You don't do that anymore anyways." Said Ruth pointedly.

"That's besides the point! Let me finish.


Anything that breaches rules 1-4 could result in total

"What does that mean?" Asked Ruth.

"That baby means we are royally screwed." How very dare he!

"Oh." Ruth smiled:"I think he's sweet." She smiled that knowing
look of the doomed.

"Sweet? S-smarmy W-wanker E-eejit E-ego T-twat! No?"

Best Becka

Sunday, June 06, 2010


Who gives a flying shit what he says? Bastard.
He hates me so much I can hear his teeth grinding
everytime he comes within a 1 mile radius!
The worst thing was I really wanted to give the guy
a chance you know?

When Ruth started dating him a couple of years back,
well I was sceptical, she is really such a big lezza
I thought it was just a whim. But more power to her
she stuck with it and really made the relationship
work. Albeit without ever introducing the cow son to
me. Then she says she's getting married please meet
this hunka love and approve him baby.

I was over from my Ruth thing anyway and I was really
happy for her, no really I was! I agreed to meet Mr
fucking perfection in this really dire throwback to
the 80's City pub. I was dressed in a really nice
Hannibal T shirt with black drainies and monkees but
I had paid special attention to my hair and make up.
I looked good in a roadie kind of way. I was early
so I had a large G & T and waited expectantly. I was
not nervous this was not my date this was a good thing!

Enter the dragon

Oh my gosh the worst thing was seeing Ruth dressed like
someone playing maiden aunt. Little skirt, little sweater
sensible shoes. Make up non existent.

I took a big gulp from my drink and smiled like someone
who had just bitten into a crunchy caterpillar on their
rocket salad.

Then I saw the lumbering ox she had attached to her hand,
I thought he was one of those monkies on a Radley bag
but no , he was a 6 foot neanderthal. Huge hulking body,
straight black hair cut for fuck sake like Vernon Kay
used to have. Blue eyes hidden by square rimmed specs, a
smile that would make a shark wince, white sharp and a
helluva lot of teeth. He was a one man advert for whitening.
However there was not an iota of warmth in his smile.

"I'm really pleased to meet you Becka, I've heard so
much about you." He said pleasantly enough and held my
hand a little too tightly.

Sometimes when someone does that you know that they fancy
you, but he almost hurt me, the pressure was there and
it felt like hate.

"Likewise Simon." I smiled back and freed my hand, I wanted
to wipe it on my jeans but that would have been rude.

"Honey can you go to the bar please?" Simon said to Ruth.

"Of course I can, red wine? Becka?" Ruth's voice sounded
dead posh.

I frowned at her. "G & T babes."

She left to tussle with the packed bar.

I turned my attention to Simon. " Ruthie is very pleased and
happy with you, I havent seen her so happy in years." I
said honestly.

Simon looked at me for a second and said: "I intend to keep
Ruth that way with or without your co operation." The voice
had such an open hostility that I hadn't heard in years. It
took me aback that's for sure.

"Ah not sure I understand where you are coming from Simon."
I admitted.

He leaned forwards just as Ruth was travelling back with the
drinks tray and hissed :"Ruth has told me everything about you
and if you want to remain a friend and included in her life
you are going to have to play by the rules."

I recoiled:"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You are a bad influence and in my view a bad person. Ruth
will be my wife, I don't want anything messing that up. Look
at you , bloody pathetic woman. Oh darling you picked
a Merlot how clever of you!" Ruth had returned , he pulled her
close and they both smiled at me like couples do, Ruth with eyes
as hopeful orphan Annie Simon with a smile that made my stomach lurch.

The next time I saw him he told me the rules. Next time
I am here I will tell you them too.

Best Becka

Monday, May 31, 2010


Well I went to see it last night. It was not an
enlightening work of art but it was good light
entertainment. So there haters!

It's never going to be as good as the series for
sure. They are all too rich and pampered now. But
I still love them.

I am just wearing out the mother of all hangovers.
On saturday I went out for a meal with my ahem,friend
Ruth which turned into yet another boozy escapade. I.e
12 hr pub crawl. When I got home I was sick for about
six hours (not constantly, periodically)and the next
day felt like someone had tried to cleave my head open.
It was that bad, no solids yesterday, just liquids.
Which was sad because when I went to the cinema I wanted
to have popcorn, ice cream and the usual. I had a Dr Peppers
instead. Which I didnt like nor finish.

I'll tell you next time about Ruth and her ever loving
husband Simon.
The worse thing is he thinks I am a bad influence on
her! Me! The cheek of it. He told us that we are
middle aged women that should know better. I told him
to eat me.

Best Becka xxxxxx