Friday, December 31, 2004


I awoke to find myself strapped onto the surgical
bed which took centre stage in the eerie little room.
I could see stars, really, just like the cartoon
characters do when they've been thumped-little
sparkly twinkling lights. Cool.
I could see Justine sitting in the corner shaking like
a whipped dog (or a junkie) and Jeff hooning around
the room like King Mad from Insane Land. Shit. Estelle
was dressed in a plastic nurse's uniform which strangely
did not instill trust in me. Skinner was nearest to me
but because of his contact lenses, his eyes were
unreadable. I watched Jeff for a moment, he seemed
dreadfully excited in the way a 3 year old with ADHD
would. He was practically bouncing off the walls and
hugging himself with glee.
"Ah she's awake! Show time!" He said in a really bad
Jim Carey voice.
"Jeff you are perhaps the corniest and most annoying
man that I have ever met." I mumbled from lips
that had been split. He must have decked me on the
second punch (see Mum was right, never spit on
people). Because my hands were tied I could not feel
what damage had been done. I guessed a black eye,
a split lip, a bitten tongue (which I ran along my teeth-
they seemed ok) and maybe slight brain damage.
I meant that too-when I went to turn my head the
pain was unbearable and I started to dry retch.
"Lovely!" Said Nurse Nutter and wiped my mouth
with a Jeye cloth. Ugh.
"Look at this- Becka sweetheart, does it not make
your little heart sing?" Said Jeff in the voice of
the truly dangerous.
Turning a little I caught sight of perhaps the world's
largest vibrator. This guy was about 2ft long and
about 6inches thick, I stared at it.
"Oh Jeff you finally found something big enough
to put in your gob." Why am I so mad? Long story.
Jeff slapped my bare thigh sharply.
"Not the right answer!" His voice was high and brittle.
Skinner stood up, I could see sweat running down
his bare head and face. We all were sweating.
"Master? Is there no other way? I like the girl. Please,
I'll do anything to keep her, don't hurt her."
See this would have been very gallant if he hadn't
sounded like Uriah Heep that is.
"You like her! Who the fuck are you Skinner?"
Jeff was furious.
"No one! But Becka is so very special to me, maybe
we could make a trade of some sort?" The bald
guy was trying hard I'll give him that.
"Sit down Skinner! And shut the fuck up! I need to
think!" Jeff's shirt was clinging to his body, his very
lovely, very sexy body, what made him so crazy?
Really it could not be me.
"Right I've decided that I need a moment alone
with Becka ok? So all get the fuck out of here,
wait outside and I shall call for you understand?"
He snarled, Justine and Skinner were already
making for the door. Only Estelle stood her ground.
"You surely do not mean me? I'm your wife!" She
spat angrily, if her words had been acid Jeff would
be in intensive care by now.
He strode across to her in 3 angry strides and caught
her up by her hair, he shook her head angrily and
threw her down. Quite a lot of blonde fluff remained in
his hand.
"Understand now?" He menaced and pushed her
out of the room.
Jeff sat down at the end of the bed and stroked my
legs, hey I was naked! Still could see stars though.
"Oh Becka! I've fucked it up!"
Next moment he was on top of me and do you
know for a millisecond I felt pity for him.
Suddenly I felt something trying to enter me and it
was not Jeff. Oh it was the dildo from hell!
I could not even close my legs! This was really it,
death from a blunt instrument, what a way to go-
oh the shame of it!
Then all hell broke loose.

Becka Martin

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


I did not want to die like this-I did not want to die
at all, but especially not in a room with a credit
card swiper and two perverts.
"So? Now what? Don't you think I might be missed
eventually, Alex is out there somewhere (where was the
bitch?) and Skinner might be your boy, but he likes me.
I'm sure he wouldn't be too thrilled if you hurt me."
I said wildly.
"Skinner!" Estelle laughed the ice cold manic laugh of
a fruit-loop:"Skinner might like you honey, but he's no
knight in shining armour, he'll do as he's told, ah speak
of the devil." From her tone I could tell there was no
love lost between them. Skinner glared at her and
stared at me in shock. Ditto.
"Are you alright?" He whispered.
"Oh yes! What do you think?" I snarled showing back
molars and he gave me a miserable look. I noticed
Justine cowering behind him, she was nude and
completely stoned. So no help there then-Shit- now
I was in a room with a credit card swipe machine
and four perverts, my luck had to change didn't it?
With all of us crowded in the small space the
temperature began to rise and it was not at all sexy,
more like a breathless, sweaty, reckless feeling of
'something bad is going to happen to me'. Not at all
I decided the best way to stay alive was to keep
talking (you speak to your enemy constantly and
they realize that you are human like them and
so they don't kill you. Well that is the theory, I
didn't invent it!) So that was what I did:
"Jeff, you know maybe it's not too late for us,
to ah, come to some agreement?" I gave him my
sharp smile, then to Estelle:
"You are lucky having Jeff, he's fab, but then you
are so pretty I can almost understand why he
left me for you ." I gushed.
Justine muttered something like:" Pretty pathetic."
Under her breath. Yep had to agree with that.
"Skinner! What a date this has turned out to be!
Remind me to date you again when I need excitement-
every date is a winner!" (Even though your willy is
like a chipolata) .I was beginning to make myself sick-
besides that everyone was ignoring me. Justine
watched me avidly though , I wished she wasn't naked.
Jeff suddenly and quite viciously punched me in
the stomach winding me, I slipped to the floor as
simply as that. I suppose I was going on a bit.
"Enough talk Becks! Don't you see-this is quality
time now?" Jeff's eyes bulged in his head.
"Jeff?" I whispered between gasps of pain.
He crouched down in front of me:"Yes?"
"You prick." I said and he smacked me across
the temple. I have to say there was nothing
sexy about this sort of pain. Definitely not a
smack on the buttocks with a paddle.
"Master?" Said Skinner with some concern.
"Shut it! Look as I see it, Becka Martin is now a
brand, this might be the original, but let's face it the
template is flawed, we can do better." Jeff shrugged
and pulled me up, my head really hurt and I was pretty
damn sure I had whip lash. I had to keep fighting.
Queen's 'I want to break free' was on repeat play in
my head. I hate that song.
"Tell me Jeff, when did your last brain cell finally die?"
I laughed and spat in his face. Bad move really.

Becka Martin

Friday, December 24, 2004


"So welcome to Club Excite, what do you think?"
Said Jeff. He was acting like a child with ADHD and
my arms hurt terribly, he seemed to be bouncing
off the walls. If he wasn't 'on' something I'd eat
Mickey's pants (again).
It was just a room about as big as a standard lounge,
painted a weird matt red that looked like old blood.
The walls were bare, the floor was a cracked and aged
lino. A hospital bed took centre stage, it's sheets were
clean but my heart lurched with a sudden overwhelming
feeling of doom. Beside the bed stood a trolley with
instruments, medical and non-medical. That was it.
That was enough! Oh and there was a machine to take
credit card payments, nice touch, classy.
"Jeff what is this all about?" I asked.
"Well it's about you and me, isn't it? Hasn't it always
been?" Jeff grinned his bleached out smile.
"It was about us, until you went all blonde and bland
on me. You fucked it up." I reminded him, it's great
to be in the right.
"Not so bland now." Said a spiteful voice that dripped
with venom. Estelle. How lovely. "In fact you would
find me a girl after your own heart. Literally."
"What is this stuff with Justine? She is your friend,
what are you doing to her?" What a heroine I am!
"Justine is your replacement or she will be when
trained." Said Jeff and he stroked the back of my
neck. I shivered and not, I add, with desire.
"What do you mean replacement? I'm here buddy,
the one the only original Mad Becka!" I bragged,
well I call it stalling. Estelle snorted the said:
"You are quite a star Becka, all the guys love you!
Look at Pru, she admired you so much she wanted
to be you, that's how we found her actually, she
was already on the way to being a Becka clone. She
just needed some fine tuning."
"You killed her." I said (perhaps foolishly).
"Ah ah ah!" Said Jeff and wagged an admonishing
finger in my face:" We didn't kill her! We encouraged
her to kill herself, she was becoming a bore."
"Nice. What was that battery thing all about?" I had
to know.
"Oh you know about that? Nevermind I'm sure you
can be trusted, the battery was my idea of a joke.
It was all about 'power' and I had it and Pru didn't.
You see she loved the sex, a complete dirty old whore
she was really, but she never liked us charging people,
so I guess that would make her a slag rather then a
whore what do you think?" Jeff's voice was as pleasant as
if he was talking about grocery shopping.
"I think Jeffrey old thing, you need help mate! You
were always a very dirty boy, but never this depraved."
I tried to curl my lip in a Elvis-like sneer, but it
was more Billy Idol. I scared no-one.
"What are we going to do with her now?" Said Estelle.
"Ah my beautiful wife." Said Jeff and stroked her blonde
curls:"I don't know what to do, it's not something I
thought would happen though I hoped for it very much!"
Jeff smiled eerily at Estelle. "What would you suggest?"
"I think you should have your way with her, then
finish her. After all we have Justine as the new patsy,
eventually she can become 'Becka' too."
"You are crazy bastards!" I said and tried to back away.
"Yes, I suppose we are." Said Justine:"What are you
going to do about it?"

Becka Martin

p.s Happy Christmas!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


You can imagine my poor trembling little legs, I
half expected to see the ant-Christ himself. Instead
I saw The Shit.
"Jeff you bastard!" I laughed with relief and threw
my arms around his neck. I was aware everyone
in the crowd had fallen silent and Skinner and Justine
seemed in awe.
Jeff peeled me off of him and pushed me lightly away
from him.
"As you were. I'm enjoying the show." His voice was
strangely hollow.
Skinner gulped a couple of times and I could see
sweat standing out on his shiny scalp. To think I
had fancied him rotten before. I must have been
particularly sad and lonely at the time.
"Becka, use these." Said Skinner and passed me some
spiteful looking clip things.
"What are they?" I asked doubtfully.
"Clamps, not too painful. Justine's favourites."
He said sardonically. I looked at the jeering crowd,
Justine's scared face and my conscience.
"Oh crap! Fuck this for a game of soldiers!" I
began to try to untie Justine's ropes. Try being
the operative word-they were way too tight and
complicated for me to work out.
"What are you doing?" Hissed Skinner.
"What's it look like? Games over, I'm taking her
home." I bloody was too, she looked like crap
and I was sure that she needed medical attention-
not more pain and perversion. Serve-what bastard
had done that to her?
Suddenly I felt my arms grabbed from behind,
Jeff's strong grip nearly lifting me off my feet and
dislocating my shoulders at the same time.
"Oi!" I squawked in protest.
"Shut up Becka! You are going to learn a few
new tricks tonight my girl! Skinner play with
' Patsy' give your audience what they want."
Jeff began to half drag me through the crowd,
nobody tried to stop him not even Alex.
Hey where the fuck was she?
"Alex!" I screamed at the top of my voice.
"Alex has been escorted off the premises by
that lovely butterball, Grady. Good to have a
friend so sympathetic to my needs."
"You always were a sick cunt Jeffrey, but this
is ridiculous! Where are you taking me and where
is your bimboid wife?"
"I'm taking you to EXCITE, Club X-it the place
where all your fantasies come true. Estelle is
already there waiting for us." His eyes had a
mental cast to them.
"Estelle will be less then delighted to see me."
I muttered, we were at the back of the Thrumz
now and going towards the bar. A side door
to the left was opened and I was bundled through.

Becka Martin
p.s Sorry about all the delays in posting folks!
Christmas, Sister-thing's panic over Mother
arriving , cold etc enough excuses!!

Friday, December 17, 2004


Being up close and personal to Justine did not
make me think all my Christmas dreams had
come true. I think I would have rather have
attempted DIY root-canal work then been in
such extreme proximity to the evil dead.
"Tighter." Said Skinner to Justine:"It has to be
much tighter to support your weight." Poor
girl was now standing there in her cami-knicks
and vest top, Skinner was tying her up in one
of his contraptions. Alex was rolling her eyes
in the most exaggerated example of boredom
I have ever seen.
"I just don't understand it at all, you perves
getting off on the rope shit. It's crap, why not
spend more time on hygiene and personal
grooming instead? That's attractive, not acres
of quivering flesh."
"Don't talk about Grady like that!" I teased and
before she could bite my head off, Skinner was
beckoning me to join in. Deep joy. Justine was
hovering pathetically, you know me, I like a bum
burner from time to time, but why make yourself
so vunerable for other people's enjoyment?
Skinner began to wrap red tinsel around the rope-
I suppose to be festive (or ironic).
"Kiss her." He ordered me.
"No!" I said in horror.
"Kiss her." He hissed under his breath.
Personally I'd rather kiss my arse but:
"Sorry." I mumbled and kissed Justine lightly
on her pursed lips. She looked like she had just
had a sip of bleach.
The crowd made a murmuring sound of approval.
I smirked at them, someone laughed. Skinner
"Keep it professional." He said.
"Right!" I laughed then suddenly, viciously,
Skinner tore off Justine's top to reveal
breasts of course. What were you expecting
the mark of the devil?! However she was boasting
some unusual markings, namely a tattoo that
said 'Serve' , a cigarette burn near her left nipple
and 3 dark bruises on her back.
"Eeee." I said aloud to no one in particular.
"All for you." Said Justine bitterly.
"Huh? I don't get ya?" I leaned forwards so
that she was whispering into my ear.
"It's all for you, all of it, how does it feel to
be so adored?" Again the bitter voice, I still
didn't understand.
Skinner brought forward a small whip which
he cracked making the crowd coo and catcall.
Why catcall? What does that mean? Anyway
you get the picture, shrill arse-holes getting
worked up. Skinner began to lightly slap
Justine's buttocks and back with the whip,
whenever it made contact with her bruises
she flinched.
"How can you do this in front of everyone?"
I said in horror, Justine was not this kind
of girl.
"I told you, it's for you." She smiled again.
"Kiss her." Commanded Skinner, I used this
opportunity for my own agenda.
"Look what shit are you involved in? Is it
drugs? Did you know Pru?"
I think the Pru bit got a reaction, I kissed her
roughly, after all I was acting. She tasted of
breath mints.
"Pru! I never met her, Estelle said that she
was a nice little hobby. I hate you Becka,
you've never done anything worthy of the
love you receive."
The whip cracked very hard against Justine's
back and she cried out in pain. Shit had Skinner
over heard? His hands began to probe around in
her pants, then deliberately he pulled them down.
Can you imagine the crowd? I gave Skinner a
puzzled look, I'd never seen this much nudity
in Thrumz before.
"What are you doing?" I said.
"I'm pleasing my Master." He smiled horribly at
someone standing behind me. I shut my eyes
tightly and turned.
"Hello my dear, enjoying the show?"
Becka Martin

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Sorry about the delay in writing, been busy and
such with Xmas and goings on! Right back to the
chase, Alex and myself attended Thrumz happy
in the knowledge that Grady (fat man die) owned
the joint!
Ruth had cut my hair and removed the last of the
extensions, my hair looked like it was in shock and
it was very mulletty. I only needed to scream
'Merry Christmasssss!" and I would be part of a 70's
glam band. Too bad-'cos my arse looking pretty darn
fine in my black jeans and I wore a sparkly green top
which left most of my shoulder's and back bare. Alex
was gorgeous in a simple ash coloured vest and
cropped black trousers. Hate her.
Skinner greeted us as soon as we entered.
I felt my heart doing it's mad dance but felt
reasonably safe at this time.
"I thought you would come alone." He whispered
in my ear.
"I never come alone." I said dead-pan.
"Remember you said your'd get involved in
the act." He warned.
"I trust you." I said, lying of course.
Alex was looking at people disdainfully, it looked
like she could smell something very very bad.
"Lighten up honey-I'm the cabaret." I said as
I passed her a Christmassy cranberry and vodka.
"Don't show me up." I think she was enjoying
being top'ho.
I drank deeply, then because I can, I did tiger-
breathing, letting the air fill my lungs and letting
it out with a whoosh.
"Stop that." Commanded Alex (you know she is
very stern, very S&M).
But it had worked, I felt filled with energy and
adrenalin. I my hip glanced against someone, I
turned to apologize.
"Justine!" I said (for it was she).
"Shit!" She grumbled, not my name but very
close. Actually she looked slightly better,
dressed in an understated black suit and
make-up applied to cover her lack of life.
"Embarrassing huh?" I grinned, I would
have loved to have milked this.
"You could say that." She said miserably.
"Who are you with? I'm with Alex, not exactly
Angela's scene is it?" I teased.
"No but then we are history now." I saw something
flit across her face. Something different, emotion
even. Not bad for a revenant.
"You liked her a bit more then you let on?"
"No comment, anyway here's the man." She
nodded towards someone. Skinner.
"I'm glad you two ladies know eachother, it'll
make the act that much easier." He said.
My heart sunk faster then a toaster in a
swimming pool. Justine's eye's looked panicky
and overly-bright. Was she on something?
I couldn't be sure.
"Ah Master, it might not be appropriate-I
work with Becka." She said in a terrible
crawling little voice.
"Justine! Did I give you permission to talk?"
He snarled.
"No sorry!" She looked around for help, there
wasn't any.
"Your still doing it!" Skinner bellowed.
"Oh leave her alone-let's just get on with
it." Whatever 'it' is. Skinner gave me a look
of unbridled fury. Alex intervened.
"I need another drink." The barman hastily
filled her glass.
Skinner clapped his hands together twice,
the dry summoning sound stopped the
music and chatter.
"The performance will start!" He shouted and
a ragged yell lit the air.
"This scene is entitled 'Tinsel and Tongues'
enjoy it!"
Are you hooked? Well maybe not as much as
Becka Martin

Saturday, December 11, 2004


I phoned Skinner:"Yo skinner?" I said, yo? I know-
"Becka." His voice was cold and stilted, pissed off I'd
"Sorry it's been awhile, busy with work, you know
how it gets." I gushed.
"Indeed but you ignored my calls and I even texted
you, I never do that." Still pissed off, I'd best try
"Ah honey don't be mad! I'm sorry-really I am! How
can I make it up to you? Anything! No nude stuff in
the street though." I warned (I'd been caught by
saying 'anything' like this before, not pretty!)
"Come with me to Thrumz tonight, be part of the
act." His voice was teasing now, although my initial
reaction was to say 'piss off!' he had me though.
"Look I don't want to be like Ruthie, stripped and
humiliated in public (and loving it) any other ideas?"
"I promise you that it will be fun and I really
don't want to share you with anyone. Come on
gorgeous, say yes and leave the rest to me."
See he talks a good game doesn't he? Unluckily
he does not have the equipment to follow through
though. Wanker.
"Alright! No nipples though." I warned as my final
"No nipples. Oh I bumped into your pal Ruth
the other night-did she tell you? It was at
LilacLace." He asked.
Fuck, he'd been with Jeff, Estelle and Justine
that night. What could I say?
"Oh she did, said you were with our mutual
I tried to have a light, carefree voice, it however
verged on hysteria.
"Umm. I had wondered if you were jealous seeing
as I was with another girl. You had no need to
worry-I was just 'breaking her in' for a friend."
His voice was silky and sweet but at that moment
I hated him like shit. Poor Justine (bet you thought
I'd never say that eh?)
"No Ruthie said it was cool, we're not exclusive
anyway are we Master? "
"We could be-if that's what you want." Skinner
said tantalizingly.
"It's great as it is, maybe when we know eachother
better." I said encouragingly, he seemed ok with
this and we spent another couple of minutes
talking complete bollocks (as you do).
So I'm meeting him tonight, lucky me eh?
Phoned Mickey (Top bird he called me).
Phoned Alan but hung up when Jude answered.
Couldn't be doing with twins at this delicate
time. Much too distracting.
Told Ruthie and Alex that I was going to Thrumz.
"Not that awful fucking place again!" Shrieked
"Thrumz? Grady owns that, only found out
recently." She smiled at me proud I guess to
be top bitch of a club owner. Then it hit me
like a ton of rice pudding.
"What?! Grady owns Thrumz? Since when?"
I shouted into her face this was not good at
all and confusing!
"Back off! I don't know do I? He doesn't exactly
advertise the fact. It wouldn't do alot for his 'hood
credibility-I mean it's a fetish place."
I ran a hand through my sweating extensions.
"Ruthie cut these fuckers out of my head! Alex
dress up nicely we're going out." I was thinking
"What about me?" Said Ruth with her bottom
lip sticking sulkily.
"Not you this time-I have a feeling I'll be much
happier with Alex." I meant safer, but I did not
want to scare them.
"Thanks a bunch!" Snarled Ruth and grabbed
a lock of my hair. Made my eyes smart it did.
"You have no idea what I mean, so trust me
huh? Both of you?" I did the old 'pleading eye
thingy'. I'm too good really I am.
"Will you tell us what is going on?" Demanded
"In a word-no." I said with a heavy heart.
"So we have to trust you?" Said Ruth.
"Be easier." I said (for me).
"Have we a choice?" Alex again.
"Nope." I held both of their hands tightly.
"Mad bitch." Said Ruth and set about my hair
briskly. Alex squinted at me then shrugged.
"Ignorance is bliss." She said.
Becka Martin.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


Mickey thought I'd be 'turned over' by the enhanced
picture grinning at me from the PC screen. No, I was
merely dismayed (disgusted and angry) but mostly
pissed off. The bastard.
The picture showed Pru naked skinny and elegant
like some sort of thorough-bred mare with her
'Becka hair' tossed wildly. She was pleasuring herself
with something that looked like a root vegetable,
namely a turnip or carrot. In the background you
could see Jeff 'The shit' laughing with his dick in
his hand. Nice.
"Got more." Said Mickey in a voice like a seedy
"Do show!" I said sarcastically, there was no love
lost between Mickey and Jeff. But he didn't have
to look so gleeful about it.
The next picture showed Pru laying legs akimbo
(at crimbo! Sorry that was sick) and Estelle-(yes
Stella-face!) was eating away at her snatch like
some freaking vampire!
"I wished I hadn't seen that one! What next?" I asked.
"The nitty-gritty ones are still with the lab-boys.
But needless to say one very married and pervy couple
will find themselves under scrutiny before long!" He rubbed
his hands together, he was getting off on this the sick fuck!
"When? I mean they could be dangerous." And Pru
looked uncannily like me (in an elegant if older way).
That had to mean something. Like me next.
"Don't worry, we're nearly there. You must stay
close to Justine, got a vibe about that one."
"S'all right for you! What am I anyway? Cheap
fucking labour, I aint even a frigging Special Cop,
am I insured or not?"
"Your always be special to me! And you are
covered, if they bump you off Raine will be a
rich woman. Not much longer Becka, I promise
this will be resolved before Christmas."
"Don't tell Raine about it! She'd off me herself!"
(Would I do that? Tee-hee, Rainex)
He reached across and kissed me gently on my
throbbing temple. Then he slipped his hand
down my top. I had a choice here.
"Fuck off!" I sat up abruptly:"We are moving
away from any of that! So please stop touching
me for one bloody second." Jeez you have to
beat some guys off with a stick!
"Alright keep your hair on! Just being friendly-
like! Have another date with Skinner, be nice
to Justine, it's all running just the way I like it."
Mickey smiled a 'smug bastard' smile.
"I don't like the idea of dating Skinner anymore,
he's involved in this crap. It's dirty." I flinched
the guy made my skin crawl now. I've ignored
his texts and calls, Mickey would not be impressed.
Good job I wasn't going to tell him.
"Skinner is a pussycat, you've not got any worries
on that score." Mickey grinned broadly. I bit
my lip, best get it over with-this had been
bugging me for awhile.
"Mick, I should have told you this but Skinner
said that Jeff bats for the other side. That
they had been lovers for want of a better
word." I watched this register on the
Dectective's face.
"No." He shook his head:"Not Jeff. Skinner's
lying, don't know how or why, but he is." He
said firmly.
"You don't know that! Skinner told me!"
"Bullshit-whatever he's up to it aint Jeff's
arse." He said doggedly.
"Have it your own way (you always do)
but I'm worried sick. Every blasted person
I know seems involved in this mess."
"Honey you don't know the half of it!"
Said Mickey ambiguously.
"So tell me."
"Nope-get yourself to a pervert madam!
Go on, phone Skinner, be nice, look pretty."
"You know what Mickey? I worry about
you sometimes, are you sure you've cleared
this with your superiors? Because you are
acting more like a hood then a cop." I had
a point don't you think?
Mickey avoided my eyes.
"I'm a good cop, but I do things my way."
"Megalomaniac!" I hissed and left him to
it. So I shall phone Skinner.
Becka Martin

Monday, December 06, 2004


'Here's the season to be jolly, tra-la-la-la whateva!'
You know I think if Scrooge was a current fella,
I'd date him, he wasn't half as bad as Dickens
said. I mean it's like Christmas! You must be happy,
it's the law! What's that? Have a mince pie, no room
for sadness, ill health or bereavement at Christmas.
But then I'm a misery after all.
Guilt issues aside (Sharon)I would feel happier.
But Christmas is not geared to single lonely folk,
involved in complicated murder cases.
Never see Alex now, she seems to have moved in
permanently with Grady-chops, a man singularly
suited to swimming the Channel. Lard would not be
an issue. Ruthie is walking around with a twinkle in
her eye, so I guess she's up to something. Not that
I care, silly cow.
Mother phoned the other day, I thought it was a
man at first. Nearly right.
Anyway, she is coming around to see us soon-
Raine is not happy, she's thinking of going
to a Kibbutz or something.
Saw Alan today and it was painful.
I was chatting to Zoey, who was very sad that snow
had to be white. When Alan walked past the counter,
he hadn't noticed me but: "Hey!" I said. He turned
sharply and seeing it was me, smiled.
"Becka. And how are you?"
I must admit he looked rough, hair unkept, a wispy
stubbly growth covering his chin and top lip.
But he was still my Boo and my Baby-boy.
"I'm great! What are you doing here?" I could feel
my bottom lip trembling.
He smiled and raised a couple of carrier bags.
"That time of year right? Got to do it."
"I haven't even started yet!" I laughed nervously.
"That's just like you." His eyes sparkled:"Anyway,
I must get on. Lots more to do."
My heart was doing a pitter-pat thing.
"Maybe we could have a drink or something?
Hasn't got to be today!" I said hastily.
Alan smiled sadly:"No, I don't think that would be
a good idea-do you?" He had such need in his voice,
but he was passing me the responsibility. You know
"Maybe not." I said ruefully:"Then I kissed his
rough cheek which felt thinner then ever. "Take
good care of yourself and have a really good
Christmas if I don't see you before. Tell the twins
to cook for you , your getting skinny!"
He kissed me firmly on the lips:"Will do. I hope
you get everything you want, this Christmas
and forever, I mean that Becks, I've only ever
wanted the best for you."
"I know that!" I clutched the front of his frankly
dreadful old tweed coat and felt wretched. If
I wasn't such a slut, if he hadn't slept with Pru.
It was there, the love, really there, everything I had
ever wanted. Yet it was out of reach-pushed away
by other people, was it really too difficult to pull
it back? It was for now-perhaps later, I could make
it all stop but: "Love you." I said and
let him move away from me.
"Look after your little self." He said, his shoulders
seemed to sag, then he was lost in a tide of shoppers.
'Little self', who else but Alan would call a geezer bird
like me that? Who else would I let call me it?
"Fucking hell." Said Zoey, who was listening with tears
shining in her eyes. I couldn't deal with her as well.
"Coffee" I said and slouched off to Starbucks,
I would need a latte the size of my head to make
this feel better, oh and a really nice doughnut for
Justine-still hadn't given up on her entirely.
She was worse today, for all my Zombie jokes
aside, she looked like shit. And she smelt terrible-
like mildew. Justine looked like I felt- bah humbug!
Becka Martin

p.s Mickey Straw phoned.
"Oh sweetness and light? Your'd better get you
arse over to the Station. Wait to you
see this picture, it will turn you over!" He chuckled.
So something to look forward too.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Guilt does funny things to a person-like excess
chocolate consumption and an irrational urge to
kill an 'I told you so' sister.
Can't get my head around Detective Straw (yeah-
yeah you know what I mean!) We've known
eachother like forever! And we are still messing
eachother up.
"I always thought he was perfect for you." Said
Sister-thing Raine:"But you can't have him now,
Mick's got responsibilities, move on, get over it."
"It's easy for you!" I scoffed:"With your perfect
marriage and unruly hair! I should avoid Mickey
like the plague, but I'm drawn to him on account
he's the best shag I've ever had." This was the
truth, he was my first and I'll always have a soft
spot for him.
"Sex is not everything, well maybe it is for you but
that can be fixed with therapy. Leave the men
alone for awhile, concentrate on staying alive.
What did Mickey say to you after your little,
ah, blip?"
"He said he's mad in love with me and he's
going to leave Sharon and the kids and move
in round Ruthie's so we can shag day and night."
Raine's yap fell open.
"He didn't!" She squealed.
"No he didn't! 'Course not, he loves his wife and
kids. We just have history." I bit off a square
of Green and Black's Mint chocolate and let it
melt on my tongue.
"You know what they say about history."
"No?" Was I in for some Sister Creed?
"It's in the past, best to leave it there. Oh and
don't eat all the chocolate you greedy fat bitch."
Then Raine hit me on the head with the rest of
the bar. How rude.
I know that Mickey is just as screwed up as
I am about the situation. Somethings can't be
fixed, because their not broken just wrong.
So I've now got to work on Justine, I've tried
buying her coffee but she's in such a state I
doubt if she notices. Tomorrow I will try to
do something different.
Becka Martin

Sunday, November 28, 2004


You can only imagine my little heart beating
in my chest as my cab took me straight to
Mickey's (I had already phoned him enroute).
Sharon (wifey) opened the door, I felt really
bad going to their place. For many reasons.
"Hiya Becks!" She said and kissed me:"Mickey's
in the lounge." She led me through her home.
"Nice to see you again Shazza! We really must
go for a drink sometime." I said guiltily, she
always seemed to make me feel like a filthy
whore. Then I noticed she was pregnant (again-
would that be the fifth or sixth Straw sprog?)She
pulled a rueful face. This is why I'd never make
a good detective.
"Time I've had this one, I'll be past it!" She
laughed, I didn't being at least 3 years older
then Shaz.
Mickey looked at the pictures, he sat like the
hunky-slob he was in comedy boxers with
the word 'Horny' printed on the bum and a
devil's face. Not funny at all really. Cute though.
"Clever girl." He said and examined the phone,
then he frowned:"Look I'm pleased and all, this
is shit hot, but Skinner is going to miss his phone.
I'm going to copy the pictures and ask you to
take this back where you found it."
"Fuck off!" I squealed:"He might kill me!"
"I won't let anything happen to you, I promise!
Also I'm pretty sure Skinner is not the murderer,
although his hands are far from clean."
"I feel heaps better." I grumbled as he phoned HQ,
transferred pictures onto his computer and
changed into 501's anti-fits and a Fred Perry
t-shirt. He then silently drove me back to Skinner's.
"I feel heaps better." I said when a puzzled S&M
master opened the door:"I thought I'd cook
you breakfast, you go back to bed." I purred.
Skinner shrugged, he was probably used to
women acting crazy-like. I fried everything
in the fridge and took a gulp of Lemon Absolut
vodka, bit early though. Must have only been
about 6.30am! Skinner ate his food though, me,
well my stomach was still lurching out of control
but I nibbled a bit of toast.
I feel heaps better now I've stashed the phone
back down the side of the sofa. Skinner enjoyed
his fry-up and polite blow-job.
"Now I really must say good bye." I smiled my
cutest, ditziest smile.
"I have a feeling Becka, that you will break
my heart." He said solemnly.
"Very possibly." I agreed.
Mickey Straw was still waiting outside for
me (I thought he was just dropping me off)
so that was good too.
"What the hell were you doing in there?" He
I sucked two of my fingers and winked.
"Becka!" He shook his head:"What are you like?"
"I'm good." I said. "Oh and you will let me
know what I'm meant to be doing next?"
"Have you been all girlie-pally with that Justine
"I have not. I'll try harder." I lit a ciggie using
Mickey's car lighter, my smoking had found
the evidence, so it definitely had some uses.
Mickey sniffed the air.
"You smell delicious!" He smelt my hair and
neck. "Yum yum!"
"Nicotine?"I offered.
"Nah, bacon and eggs, god I could eat you for
He meant it in the most innocent way I'm
sure, but after Skinner's (rather pathetic)
effort, I was in need of some hearty fayre.
"What's stopping you?" I winked:"Nothing
like a full English!"
Mickey growled and drove to a lay-by
where he performed the most wonderful
tongue tickling on my hoo-ha. And they say
Coppers don't do a good job!
Becka Martin (harlot)
p.s I'm trying not to think about Sharon.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Remember the old children's programme Mr Benn?
God your old! He used to try on clothes in a closet
whilst a man watched him (wearing a fez as they do)
and he would be transported to another land when he
walked through the mirror in the closet? That was
Sister-thing's favourite-I always thought it was a bit
odd and watching the re-runs on Sky the other night
decided that nothing had changed there then.
Oh that was just something I had to get off my chest
as it was bugging the hell out of me!
Yes I went back to his place and yes items of clothing
were removed on account I spilt my drink over my
lap and looked like I had the world's biggest period.
Of course the sight of me in my small and delicates
was enough to send Master Skinner into caveman
frenzy (well his top lip was sweating) and he asked
if I would like one of his shirts to slip into.
No, I said boldly, would he not like me to slip between
his sheets instead? Apparently he would-which I
did. Interesting stuff in account it was totally vanilla,
boy-girl sex, no anal probes, whips, or whatever. It
was normal and as Ruthie might say 'bread and butter
sex'. Her term for a shag that was needed but not
He was (I hate to say this) a disappointment compared
to the Twins (not that I got that far with them) his dick
was slightly below average in length. Still he enjoyed
himself. I had wanted to be tied to the bed and beaten
senseless, I'd built this up so much in my head. It was
not fair! Where were the handcuffs and restraints?
I'm sad. So I watched him sleep, his nude body hairless
and smooth with it's bunchy muscles and small penis. I
felt quite maternal. He'd even taken his false vampy
teeth out-bless.
All that Grady stuff had scared the shit out of me
saying that Skinner would have me for brekkie or
whatever. Maybe Grady was just shitting me, Skinner
was not all the monster I'd been expecting.
I got up and stretched, Skinner did not
allow smoking in the bedroom so I went into the
living room. Very nice too, dark manly, fetishy
what more could a girl want? A lighter would be good.
Shit I must have left it at LilacLace. What a bummer.
Skinner surely must have a light and I did not
want to disturb him, where would a book of matches
or a lighter be? I always used to find them down the
sides of sofa and chairs, so that was where I tried
first. No luck on the chairs, some loose change,
an empty condom wrapper, fluff and a Tiger-like
contact lense. I placed that on the table, I would
score brownie points with that one I was sure.
The sofa also never had anything useful but I did
find Skinner's mobile phone. I looked at the photo's
he had stored, naked people having sex at Thrumz,
someone being hung and whipped, someone being
hung and dying. Pru! Blinking bloody bloody fuck!
I felt like grabbing the mobile and running naked
onto the street, but that would be silly. Discretion
would be best. I placed the phone in my hand-bag
and turned it off (I was not a complete muppet you
know!) Then I made Skinner a cup of coffee with
my shaking hands.
Skinner now looked like the world's scariest naked
murdering cow-son but bravely I kissed his bald
"Hey babe." I said:"I made coffee for you, listen,
I'm going to have to go home, my head is splitting
and I really hope it's not the flu or lurgy."
Skinner sipped his coffee and eyed me with his
bright blue peepers.
"Must you? That was so good Becka, it felt right
you know what I mean? Somehow clean and perfect."
He stroked my face, my stomach made a gurgling
sound (which he heard). Normally I would have
felt embarrassed but it aided me here.
"See, gas? I'm definitely coming down with
something. I hope I don't get the shits."
His grimace said it all, good.
"Right I'd better call you a cab then."
Yeah and I'd better call the police.
Becka Martin.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


After I had filled Mickey Straw in about Justine going
'walkies' with Skinner and he had stopped laughing, he
"This is just perfect Becks! What a blinding stroke of
luck! I bet we're not far from finding out the key players.
Good girl!" His chirpy cockney voice made me want to
put my hands around his neck and squeeze tightly.
Did he not know that I was miserable? Skinner was mine
or meant to be. Jeff had been mine, they were probably all
laughing at me and comparing notes (ok that is paranoia)
but I'm pissed off and not happy.
"Hmm." I said by way of a reply.
"What's wrong?" See Mickey is Mickey, he knew me inside
and out and then some. He was a dirty bastard-we should
have got married.
"Nothing, but this is getting kind of ugly, do you not see that?
Every fucker I know seems mixed up in this! I don't know
who to trust anymore!" I bleated like a small truculent child.
"Well you can trust me! Kate, Raine, Alex, Ruth, no skip that,
I never trusted Ruth especially after that stalking stuff."
It was all a big joke to Mickey.
"I notice the absence of men on your list."
"I'm a man! Cheeky cow!"
"No your a Cop, what about Alan, surely he's trustworthy?"
"I think he just might be, but you should avoid him like the
plague at the moment. If you value his safety that is."
Warned Mickey.
"Bastard!" I hung up on Detective Dickhead, what a wanker!
Alright to put me in danger though, bloody men, stick together
or what!
So I dated Skinner at LilacLace, Skinner wore black as usual,
but being completely pissed off and not in the mood for
S&M stuff I put my leather trews aside and wore a floaty
pink dress by Ghost. My hair was in ringlets and I even
wore blusher. I looked pretty damn fine for a skank.
Skinner seemed pleased too.
"Becka!" He breathed and kissed my cheek (our first kiss!)
"You look lovely." He said simply.
"Thanks!" I said and waited for him to offer me a drink
which he did. When he went to get them Grady hustled
over like some sort of defrosting gateau.
"Becka, what a surprise." He kissed my hand and I'm
sure that I felt far more tongue then was necessary.
"Ditto." I muttered.
"I see you have a new beau, Skinner, he's a good man."
Said Grady approvingly. "A step up from the usual
pretty boys you date."
"Oh he gets your seal of approval does he? Can't think
why, but that makes me shit my pants!" Which it did,
Grady was some sort of hard gangster and he liked
my choice of man. "As long as he's not like you, I'll
be ok."
Grady grabbed my left breast and squeezed hard,
it really hurt.
"Skinner will eat you for dinner you little fool!"
He licked the side of my face, yuk!
"Just fuck off and die Grady your spoiling my night!"
I'm not called Mad Becka for nothing!
All pretence was over, Grady walked away shaking
his head in confusion.
"Crazy 'ho!" I thought I heard him mutter.
"Penny for them." Said Skinner, I jumped nearly
knocking the glasses out of his hands. "whoa! Are
you ok?"
My breast was stinging and I was shaking like a leaf.
"Not really!" I gulped down my vodka martini, shit
I was screwing this up and then some. Cool baby real
"Can you take me home?" I whispered, Grady had
undermined my resolve, best leave and try again
another time.
"I could, but I'd rather take you back to mine, this
place lacks atmosphere tonight." His eyes (which
had lightning strikes) sparkled. Normally I would
have said no because I liked to torment Skinner.
"Ok, I'm trusting that you will remain a gentleman?"
I said coyly, I wouldn't care if he stripped me naked
here and now, just as long as we could go! I was
that scared of Grady.
"We'll see." He ushered me through the crowds,
protecting me with his hard body. I looked at Grady
with his huge gappy teeth grinning away at me
knowingly and he shouted loudly:
"Skinner! Give Becka one for me you lucky dog-I
hear she's hotstuff." Grady licked his vast greasy
I could have died! I know I'm not exactly a nun, but
Skinner didn't know that! His eyes narrowed and he
gave Grady the finger.
"Sorry about that!" He whispered in my ear as if it
was his fault. Oh my, maybe he thought the insult
was a slur on him?
" Me and Grady go way back, he dates one of my
girls and he hates me. I'm sorry too." I said quietly.
"Nothing to apologise about." He kissed my forehead,
once again a very Alan thing to do. "Interesting you
know Grady though." Abruptly he stopped talking
and I did not want to press the matter although I
was aching to ask how did he know Grady.
We were soon in a cab hurtling through the cold
streets of London. I felt so odd, scared because this
was what I had to do and scared because this was
what I wanted to do. Go home with Master Skinner
that is, on everything else I felt totally out of my
depth. Shit Mickey.
Becka Martin

Friday, November 12, 2004


Not exactly a PC title, but that is how I feel at
the moment. I'll take you back (grudgingly) to
when Ruth dropped yet another bombshell on
my battered shoulders.
"Right are you ready? Not going to freak out
and act silly on me are you?" Said Ruth, she was
practically doing a St Vitus dance in her urgency
to spill the beans.
"Give me some credit!" I snapped.
"I saw your Master Skinner tonight at LilacLace."
She said and chewed her lip (always a Ruthie bad-
sign). Bugger I had hoped it would be Skinner's
first time at my club, then I could show him around
and act like a ponce. I nodded for her to continue.
"He was with Jeff and Estelle and er...:" More frantic
lip biting:"Justine! He seemed quite attached to her."
She smirked. Visions of Skinner fondling Justine jutted
through my brain and it was not pretty.
"Well he knows Jeff, so he must know the others, what
did you see Ruth? And stop making such a bloody meal
out of it!" From being snuggly warm with the twins,
I was now hot and fuming. Heads would roll for this!
"Ok! Keep your hair on! He was attached to her on
account she was wearing a dog collar and chain!" She
said triumphantly and clapped her hands together
in glee.
I found nothing funny about it at all.
"Fuck off! I don't believe you! Justine would never
go to a club on a leash! Even if she did, it must be
some sort of joke, surely?" I pulled my hair (nearly
popping a few bonds in the process).
"It looked real to me, she was like a doe-eyed silent
slave, oh and you could only see she was on a leash if
you got up real close. Which I did, I gave Jeff a huge
kiss to piss Estelle off!" She chuckled. "And Skinner
was not happy to see me I guess he knows I'll tell
"I see." I was not happy, ok Skinner was not boyfriend
material, but he was definitely not Justine material!
My nose was put out of joint and then some.
"What are you going to do?" Asked Ruth.
"Nothing! I'm going out for a date with him as planned.
But rest assured-I will bring this up." (If I didn't bring
my dinner up first)....................I would have to phone
Mickey Straw, but that could wait.
"What about Alex? Where is she?" I suddenly noticed her
"Oh she went off with Grady-chops, silly cow, but what
can you do eh?"
Eh indeed.
Going out with Skinner tonight he better have some
answers. Would you say that I'm a hypocrite? No
don't answer that as I know I am, but still I can't but
help think my life is getting stranger and everything
is far too close for comfort.
Becka Martin

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


Remember that old Gina G song from 1996?
I do too, how sad is that? But it's been going through
my head for the last couple of days, like on repeat play.
If I saw her I'd give her a little bit-my foot up her
arse that is!
Oh the twins! Oh God-sex on a stick times two. And
no, sadly, reluctantly, I still haven't shagged them.
But the massage was good, really good......
"Becka your shoulders feel like they've the weight
of the world on them!" Said Jude, he was doing
complicated things with my muscles and every now
and then would sweep downwards towards my
breasts. The nipples were standing up to attention,
any higher and my towel would definitely burst
open. Which was just what I had in mind.
"You got that right." I murmured, I was now lying
on Ruth's bed (being the biggest bed in the flat).
Quinn was working on my feet, doing some weird
reflexology thingy, all I knew was it felt great
and I was pretty darn sure he could see my pubic
hair which always ups the ante.
"You need this Becka." Said Quinn.
I nodded:"Oh I do!"
"You deserve it." Whispered Jude, so close to my
ear that I could feel his hot breath.
"That too." I felt really drunk-all my skin seemed
to be alive, every pore and crevice longed to be
touched and explored.
Quinn's fingers began to stray higher, massaging
my calves then my thighs. My vulva was starting
to twitch and squirm, shit, I was going to come
very soon at this rate-I'm not complaining I just
wanted it to last! As if realizing this Jude said:
"No you don't! Turn over onto your belly we will
work on your back."
I bleated in protest, but they ignored me and
flipped me over like an egg except I was 'over
easy' I guess.
Jude pulled the towel down to my waist so
my back was perfectly exposed and my small
angry breasts were flattened underneath me.
Quinn slipped his hand beneath the towel
and began to massage (quite roughly) my buttocks.
Jude touched my face and slipped a finger into
my mouth (which I bit).
"What are we going to do with her Quinn?"He
asked, obviously delighted from the lovely
bulge in his trousers.
"Everything she wants of course!" Laughed
Quinn and slipped a finger straight into my
hoo-ha. It surprised me really, he was not
normally half as racy as Jude.
I don't know if they were telepathic-or just
randy, but that seemed to be the signal for
Jude to flip me over 'sunnyside up' and
begin earnest tit-sucking! Jeez!
Quinn buried his head between my thighs
and I soon realized why he was the quieter twin.
He saved his tongue for pussy-work!
Quinn began to struggle with his zip and
Jude already had grabbed one of my hands
and thrust it down his pants.
The sight of all this male beauty and activity
was too much, Quinn was tracing around my
clitty with his tongue-I came guys! Couldn't
help it and it was fab. I'm shaking thinking
about it!
"That's just the beginning, now it's our turn-
ever had two guys at once?" Said Jude.
"Yeah!" I said but his face fell in disappointment:
"But never twins!"
He brightened up at this:"Well let's say, we
haven't had many complaints!"
"I can understand that!" I laughed and pulled him
down on top of me, Quinn was naked by now
and snuggling into my neck.
"I felt every, tremor, every shudder right through
my tongue!" He whispered in my ear, I kissed
him passionately and missed Ruth enter the room.
"Oh fucking hell Becks! Not on my fucking bed
with these fuckers! Shit-what a cunt!" She threw
her handbag at my head.
"Sorry Ruth! I thought you were out." What a
pain in the arse she was turning up like this!
Jude kissed my cheek (face that is!):"There will
be other times Becks!"
Quinn was already half dressed, Ruth stood in
the doorway like my mother or something.
The boys both kissed Ruth on the way out.
"Yeah yeah." She said grudgingly. I mouthed 'Sorry'
to them, the both nodded and grinned boyishly.
Nothing kept them down for long. Love it.
"Alright! Don't make a meal out of it!" Scowled
Ruth. She flopped down on the bed with me.
"Not on my bed!" She still grumbled.
"Sorry-but I got carried away!" I admitted.
"Quite!" Ruth lit a cigarette and passed me it.
"I've got something to tell you , something I
saw and I don't think you will like it at all." She said.
"Oh give me strength!" How many times have
people said that to me? It always meant trouble
or shit or both.
"Get ready-'cos this will kill ya!" She said gleefully.
Becka Martin

Sunday, November 07, 2004


What has happened in the meanwhile? I hear you
shout! Well nothing exactly dramatic, but a few
interesting keynotes. Firstly I had another date
with Master Skinner, a quiet Italian restaurant, a
leather clad Bi-sexual freak (and that was just me!)
what more could you want? I did not ask him anymore
about Jeff yet (could it be jealousy?) as I thought it
would be suspicious. So far no physical contact, not
even a kiss on the cheek (or a smack on the bum).
But he seems interested:
"Becka you are the first woman that I've been
keen on for years."
"Keen? That sounds so sweet and old fashioned!"
I laughed and for a poignant moment thought of
Alan and how much he had meant to me. 'Keen'
would have been a word he might have used.
"Why the sad face?" Said Skinner.
"No, just being silly! I've had a great time, no whips
and chains, just food and conversation. You surprised
me with your ordinary-ness."
"I don't know how to take that! Just because I like
S&M does not automatically exclude me from
normal life! You are funny and quite addictive, can
I see you again?"
I looked at him, underneath the fangs, claws, shaved-
head and no-eyebrows, he was a nice guy. I fancied
him rotten, but that was just it. It was lust, he was not
boyfriend material. But for Mickey Straw's sake I
"Of course! But this time I'll pick the venue." I had
already decided on LilacLace.
"Great!" He said and do you know that not once did
he pull me up for not calling him Master?
Justine on the other hand was a tougher egg to
crack. She did turn up for work (looking like shit)
and smelling like a brewery. Jeez it was scary seeing
the Undead One go off the rails-that was my job.
Angela said: "She doesn't phone in sick, then she
turns up drunk! I've made personal calls to her
which she didn't bother to reply to. I don't know
Becka, looks like I'm going to be out of a lover and
a PA soon."
"Hey! I am your PA!" I retorted, Angela just threw
back her head and laughed. How rude.
I sidled up to Justine.
"You ok?" I whispered.
"Yeah right!" She laughed.
"No I mean it." I said heroically.
"Piss off." Justine turned away and started to clean
her face with a facial wipe. One last attempt.
"Look I know we don't get on." Understatement of
the year! "But if you are in any trouble I might be
able to help." I walked away before she lamped me.
Justine stared at me for a long time.

But the best has to be the twins visit last night!
Perverama! Being saturday night the girlies went
off on the pull (although I'm bloody certain that
Alex is renewing her unsavoury friendship with
Grady) I decided to have a hot bath and to relax.
I was just towel drying my hair when the door
sounded. It was the twins looking like they had
escaped from a Gap advert, so woolly and bundled
up were they. I felt most conspicuous in my short
"High guys!" I said and let them in, Jude's eye's
were already looking naughty. Quinn kissed my
cheek, ever the gentleman.
"Becks, it's Alan, we're worried about him, he's
most withdrawn and he keeps muttering to
himself like a nutter." Said Jude.
"Really? Well I've spent a long time worrying
about Alan, I would consider myself to be on a
break from worrying about anything!" I snapped
but you guessed it, I was already worrying.
"Look, he's ok, we will look after him-just phone
him sometime." Said Quinn and he put a hand on
my shoulder. That hand changed everything. I
caught his eye.
"She's very tense Jude." He said.
"I can see that, I can feel that too." Jude began to
deliciously massage my neck and shoulders.
"Maybe you should lay down?" He offered.
Becka Martin

Wednesday, November 03, 2004


No I don't know where they went! Bastards gave me the slip-
I waited in Thrumz for all of 2 hours being sleazed over by
really badly dressed people and not even a Master Skinner
to keep me amused. Speaking of which, I surely don't know
how I feel about him now, especially if he has had sex with Jeff.
I'm not homophobic (how could I be?) but it's just the thought
of Jeff it's so sick! Nevermind-turns out Jeff, Estelle and Justine
left the building in the wee small hours as CopGirl and
Mickey Straw kept a vigil.
"But what was Justine wearing?" It was killing me the
"Oh she looked cute, sort of red dress, high heels, slicked
back hair." Said Mickey.
"That's not helping me at all!" I glowered. CopGirl
"She had on a dress of crushed red velvet with a
lacey built in bodice making her waist about 18 inches,
she had on red high heels and I mean high at least
10 inches as the sole had a platform, looked sex shop
stuff rather then designer and she could hardly walk in
"Make-up?" I asked.
"Who gives a fuck!" Said Mickey rudely. We both looked at
him, shocked and disdainful. "Can we continue?" He asked.
"I guess." I mumbled, CopGirl nodded, boy did she have it
bad for him!
"You need another date with Skinner, see if you can get
closer to him, there has got to be a secret meeting place in
Thrumz, somewhere they have 'THE BAD SEX'."
"Was that in capitols?" I asked.
"Very likely." Said CopGirl.
"Oh I forgot to ask, Justine, did she seem happy when
she came out of the club?" I said hoping she had been
pissed and throwing up.
"No she was crying a bit, they put her in a cab." Explained
Mickey:"Perhaps you could chum up to her and find out?"
"Sod off! I'd rather 'chum' up to a rattlesnake!"
But I was concerned, especially as she hasn't been to
work. I'll keep you informed, caio babies.

Becka Martin

Sunday, October 31, 2004


"If and I mean if I was really desperate and had to
shag someone of the same sex-then it would have to
be Gwen Stefani." Said Alex in a tone that inferred
Gwen was just waiting for her call.
"Hmm, still Skinner is not exactly Jeff's type is he?"
Said Ruth. Obviously Alex and not met the bald and
lovely one so comparisons could not be made.
"I don't know, he has a pulse doesn't he? Nothing
would surprise me after seeing him with Estelle."
I said bitterly, really though this should not burn
me so badly now. I was a big girl, with long, shiny
hair and I had a great bum.
"Please Becka do me a favour-don't wear your
smeggy leather trousers tonight!" Said Alex.
"Yeah, she's right! Try to be not so obvious."
Said Ruth.
"Fuck you both! I'm not obvious-no nipples or
pubic hair in sight at all!" I snarled.
"Let me be your dresser." Said Alex:"Ruth will do
your hair and you can do your own make-up under
our supervision of course."
I rolled my eyes, but it was a losing battle with
these bitches. Alex dressed me in a really mad
Versace dress that was slit passed the navel and
because of the sheerness of the fabric-I would have
to go commando. If I bent forward (at a funny angle)
you could see my Hoo-Ha. Ruth back-combed my hair
furiously and for one worrying moment I looked
spookily like Robert Smith from the Cure. I need
not have worried. She tamed it down, plaited the back
and made it into a very sophisticated floppy bun-
kind of Miss Marple but kicking! I finished the job
with shiny, sticky lipgloss in mauve, grey eyeshadow,
false eyelashes and a pair of of ahem-Jimmy Choos,
but ssh about that! For a coat I wore a really bizarre
chain-mail cardigan thingy Alex had nicked from her
last shoot.
"It was medieval with nipples." She explained.
Then I was ready, far from Cinderella, more like Lily
Savage, but startlingly different.
"Thanks girls!" I said and air kissed them.
"Be careful." Warned Ruth.
"Screw that! Have fun Becks!" Laughed the more
crazy Alex.
"I will!" I said. After all when did I do anything else?
My cab was waiting which was cool as I did not want
to wait on the streets of London in this get-up. I
caught the eye of the cabbie several times on route,
but he said nothing. I expect he'd seen it all in his time.

I reached Thrumz and before I could get out of the car
2 people got in. Eeek! No worries-only Mickey Straw
and GirlCop (who was fetchingly dressed in civvies).
"Very nice!" Said Mickey, who had already noticed
my slit (not that one)the one on my dress!
"Listen Becka." Said GirlCop:"Your targets have
already entered the premises."
"Huh?" I said.
"Dozy! Jeff, Estelle and Dead Girl! Wake up! Now go
in and buy them a drink!" He slipped me a fifty pound
"I don't want your filthy cop money! Are you sure this
will be enough?"
"Get out the car!" Barked Mickey, I had to scramble
across his knees (very nice) then they drove off in my cab.
I suppose they had to pay for it hee-hee.
I entered Thrumz having to stump up the £15 entry fee,
shit, I looked around, weirdos, perverts, goths, all there
and correct only no 'targets where the fuck were they?
Becka Martin

Friday, October 29, 2004


I don't mention work much lately as to be honest
it's perfectly boring. However I have been going there
inspite of it all (the murder, the betrayal, the sexy twins)
to laze at my desk and insult the fetid Justine. But that
had to change, the insults I mean, not the lazing (my gosh
I can't change that much!)
This was on account of my new job as' Double O' or
as Sister-thing Raine says:'Dopey-O' which is more fitting.
I know that Justine is a very good friend of Estelle, the
fluffy blonde bitch-queen 'ho who nicked Jeff off me in the
first place! What would my life have been like I wonder
if he hadn't fallen for her blonde siliconess? Who knows?
"Hiya Justine!" I said brightly. She peered at me from
behind The Times Financial section, she looked very
Madonna circa Erotica, all greased back hair and
pencil thin eyebrows. Unnerving so close to Halloween.
"Oh my God it's Pocahontas!" She said and her lip
curled into something that on anyone else would have
been a smile. I think she meant my new hair.
"Oh the hair? New, like it?" I smiled again, this was
killing me!
"No, you remind me of an Afghan hound, only greasier."
"Nice." I said biting the insides of my mouth to stop
any retort being formed. Blast I hated her!
"Angela is in a meeting, she wants you to look at this
buyers ledger, she was wondering why you keep
ordering all these designer shoes-your'd better take
a look." She threw the file at my head .
I caught it before it glanced off my brow." Thanks! Listen
Justine, I was wondering, um, do you still see much of
Estelle and Jeff?" I tried to play it cool but my top lip
was sweating (I hoped she would think it was lip gloss)
and I felt very unsure how to play this.
"Yeah all the time! Still very much in love, Jeff must have
thought he'd won the lottery when he dumped you for
Estelle!" She grinned with crystalline spite, I had to
control myself, even though I wanted to bounce her head
off the walls.
"Good! I'm glad they are happy, Jeff deserves nothing
but the best (the bastard) and I hope he is happy (in
hell!) I haven't seen either of them about recently though."
I'm good at lying.
"Oh they are about." A small frown creased her pale
forehead: "You expect these sort of things with couples, I used
to go out with Estelle weekly, now I'm lucky if.....:"She looked
up at me:"What's all the interest? You surely don't think you
can get Jeff back do you?"
"No! To be honest I would not want him back, but you get
used to people, I miss him." I lied again, the only thing I
miss about Jeff was his dick.
"Oh didums!" Justine's voice dripped with venom.
"I expect you miss Estelle too." I had to get that one in!
"A bit! But as it happens, I'm meeting them this very
night, we are going clubbing." (So there!) She did not say
that bit, but it was so obviously there.
"Great! Anywhere I know? LilacLace?" I pushed.
"I don't know, it's a surprise." She began to look at the
T2 section of her paper.
"Any idea what you are wearing?" (Leathers, plastics,
bondage etc?) I thought I'd pushed too far when she said:
"Funny you should say that, Estelle says she is bringing
me an outfit, cute hah?" Before I could say another word,
Angela put her head around the door.
"Alright girls? Becka have you had a look at those bloody
shoes yet? I can't work it out. Justine fetch the coffee
through in five minutes."
"Will do." Said Justine and bustled off to sort out the best
I made a quick phone call to Mickey Straw.
"Excellent Darlin'." He said.
Now I've got to sort this ledger out, I never thought
Angela would look that closely at my work, after all, it's
only a few shoes and they were very lovely. There goes
my Christmas bonus!
Wonder what Jeff is up to?
Becka Martin

Tuesday, October 26, 2004


There is something peculiarly British about sitting
in a fetish club wearing leather trousers. I sipped my
drink through a straw and looked intently at Skinner,
this was to make him feel bold and Masterful (also I
had to do less talking-so less likely to put foot in it).
"I can't believe that I'm actually sitting here with
you." Says the bald and very lovely one.
"Me neither! Not exactly a couple are we?" I grinned
my best kick-ass smile at him. He frowned.
"What do you mean by that?" What did I mean.
"Uh, it's just I'm so normal and your a...I mean you
are so different. I'll shut up a bit." I blushed furiously,
Alan always loved me when I blushed, thought it was
funny a woman in her thirties could still be
embarrassed. Skinner continued to scowl away.
"Oh I see! You think your better them me but really
you are just a vanilla girl who likes to play spanky!"
He grinned to reveal those vampiric incisors.
But he had a point.
"I don't think I'm better at all! Normal yes." This was
rapidly going down the pan.
"We use the word vanilla, which means plain." He
sipped his lager.
"But vanilla has a delicate flavour and if you get the
real stuff, it can be quite exciting and intoxicating."
I urged.
"I'll bet!" Said Skinner and I was suddenly aware
that we were not talking about food flavours at all.
"Would you like another drink?" I asked.
"No Becka, I buy the drinks, you just sit there like
a good sweet girl." Off he trotted. Hundred years of
feminism down the swannie. Still it gave me time to
look around the bar, as usual the Goth crowd was
in full force. The fetishy ones with nipple-rings etc
A few vanilla people and..........Jeff! I nearly gagged!
The other end of the bar he sat 'The Shit' in all his
glory. When Skinner returned he could see that I
was staring.
"Oh Him! All the girls like Jeff!" Skinner laughed.
"I can imagine." I said dryly.
"Which is really very odd as he is the gayest guy
ever." Skinner added.
"No way! I have to admit I know the guy, infact we
were together for many years. He is a womanising
git but an arse-bandit he aint." I said firmly.
Skinner raised his non-existent eyebrows.
"Oh really? Hmm, well I've slept with him myself,
you would think that I would know!"
Bloody hell-the ground I stand on is shaking again.
Becka Martin

Saturday, October 23, 2004


So here is what happened, Mickey Straw turned up
at Ruth's with GirlCop in tow (I'd have to ask her
name it was only polite).
"You two can disappear for starters!" He said to Ruth
and Alex.
"Charming!" Snarled Alex and tossed her new Kelis
"Little git." Sniped Ruth and pulled out her tongue.
"Yeah-yeah." Said Mickey and sat down on the
sofa, lighting on route a cigarette. GirlCop stared at
him avidly (was he slipping her the old truncheon or
what?) "Right Becks, we are delighted that Skinner
is taking you on a date, you will be in the right place
for a little digging!" His eyes sparkled, in that scary
way people do when they are off on one.
"How dangerous is this? Is Skinner the one you are
after? He's not the one....Pru...shit." I ran my hand
through the new and surprisingly silky locks (these
were from India apparently).
"Calm your knickers down! We have no reason to
suspect Skinner at all-though obviously you have to
be careful he may be involved. All we know for
definite and for sure is that Thrumz is a gateway
to somewhere else."
"Sounds spooky! I can hear the Dr Who music
already!" I laughed, he didn't laugh back and GirlCop
was biting her lip Ruth style.
"Don't be silly-by gateway is I think that Thrumz leads
to another darker scene. Skinner may not be involved,
but he surely knows something. This is what you have
to find out."
"Oh easy then! You expect me to do is this in one
night?" I stood with my arms akimbo (just because
it's a funny word and I like writing it).
"No! Like everything else, your going to have to
work at this, make Skinner think that you like him,
dare I say it, you might even have to have sex with
him." Mickey looked so worried-bless him!
"Oh I see." I turned (namely to hide my smile):
"He is not unattractive, maybe it wouldn't be too
bad." Go tiger!
"It's S&M though." said GirlCop:"Do you think you
will be ok? Do you want me to come with you?"
I stared at this young girl, she must have been all
of twenty-two!"
"Look hon, I'm a bit old to take a friend on a date
with me! Especially someone I don't even know
their name!"
"I'm Kate Hemming." She said primly:"I didn't
mean your date, I meant if you get further into
the scene, I'll come with you."
I looked at Mickey:"You want to watch her!"
"Yeah I know!" He said an winked.
Kate blushed furiously, me and Mickey laughed like
jaded old codgers. Which of course we are.

So that was me set for friday, so basically I had
to make Skinner think that I was the best thing since
.....nipple clamps.
He sat at a table looking as weird, sexy and crazy
as when I had seen him the last time. The only
difference is that his contact lenses were bright
red. Nice touch as if I wasn't nervous enough.
I was wearing a bustier (bustier being the operative
word as I could not be any flatter) Ruth had painted a
little brown valley down my breasts to give the illusion
of fullness. The top was a fuschia pink and as always
I wore my skanky leather trousers with completely
mental and metal high heels. With my long hair
tied into a high pony tail and my eyebrows shaved off
and drawn higher-I looked a complete bitch.
Skinner saw me and smiled.
"Ah Becka, I'd forgotten how lovely you are." He
kissed my hand ending this with a flick of his
tongue. Cute.
"You look good too Skinner, ah I mean Master
Skinner." I hated saying this so much! But it seemed
to thrill my crotch area.
"Your learning!" He said warmly and stroked my face,
his metal finger nails felt both scary and sexy on
my skin. "Would you like a drink?"
"Yeah! Thanks, I'll have a vodka with lemonade and
lime please."
I drummed my black nails on the table, how could
I keep ahead of the game, find out what Mickey
wanted and keep Skinner interested and more
importantly-stay alive?
Stay tuned.
Becka Martin

Thursday, October 21, 2004


"Come on Becks, I never liked the bastard much
anyway!" Said Ruth enthusiastically.
"But you fucked him." Reminded Alex (always the
level-headed one in these situations).
"Oh yeah! But I didn't enjoy it and he is a bit of a loser
really." I glared at Ruth:"Sorry! I know you liked
him and all, but I expect you can do much better, the
twins for a start! They kind of work as a tag team,
a bit like synchronized swimmers with tongues."
"Alan is and will always be, the love of my life, how
does that compare to a couple of pretty boys with the
morals of alleycats?" I snapped.
"Pretty fairly actually! Love is alright, but hot sex
with the right person can be far better then all that
airy fairy stuff!" Ruth began to remove my matted
hair extensions. How I would miss them! Olga you
did not lose your hair in vain.
"Mmm, your hair is in terrible shape! I'll trim it
and put in somemore lengths." She set to work.
"We should cremate your hair, have a little ceremony
and lay it to rest-don't you think Becks?" Said Alex
thoughtfully as she licked the remainder of a
tirimisu out of it's container.
"Yeah good idea!" Said Ruth:"We can do that at the
same time we say farewell to my fucking used panty
liner- such a friend that was to me at the end of my last
period!" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.
"You are one sick little cunt Ruth!" Laughed Alex.
"Yeah? Well you two are getting sillier by the day,
haunted hair, stupid boyfriends with problems and now
we have a bonefide killer on the lose! Get a fucking grip
both of you!" Scolded Ruth, Alex looked at me and
rolled her eyes, I shrugged, whatever!
Then my mobile sounded, of all people, Master Skinner!
"Hello Becka." His voice sent shivers down my spine
(straight to somewhere much more important!)
"Hello Skinner! I've been meaning to phone you, but
I've been busy with work and stuff (murder enquiries,
boyfriend problems etc well I didn't tell him this part!)
Really glad you phoned though." I think my voice was
just a tad too keen. What do you think?
"Master Skinner to you! How many times do I have to
say it? Would you like to meet me for a drink at Thrumz?"
Yes! Yes! Yes! You can ride me like a horse! But I said:
"Maybe, sounds interesting? When were you thinking of
"No time like the present-how about tonight?" His voice
had a real spark to it, I wanted to see what was under
those leather trews!
"Um can I put you on hold a sec? Someone's at the door?"
I said and frantically looked at the girls for help.
"Oh is he the one who trussed me up like a chicken? You've
got to be joking Becks!" Said Ruth.
Alex frowned:" I can't really comment as I haven't met
or seen the bloke, just do what you want Becks!"
"Oh very helpful!" I hissed at them, right-compromise!
"Sorry about that Master:"Ruth put her fingers down her
throat and made retching sounds, I kicked her skinny arse:
"Look I'd love to go out with you tonight, but I'm really
tired, could we make it tomorrow night? Fridays always
better isn't it?" My voice did sound a bit weedy, but there
you go. "That's a shame! Look I think friday will be ok, I'll
need to check and phone you back. Take care, oh and it
suits you." His voice was delicious!
"What suits me?"
"You calling me Master, very cute. And sexy."
I blushed wildly, the girls noticed too.
"Don't get used to it!" I hung up and panted in
relief, everything with Skinner was so intense!
Before anyone could say anything, the phone rang
"Look I'm not calling you Master all the time! " I
"Should bloody hope not you daft bint!" Mickey bloody
Straw. "Mickey! What do you want?" I was not in the
mood for his foolishness or anymore police stuff.
"Becka we've bugged you phone, we just listened in to
your conversation with 'Right Said Fred', very interesting,
just what we wanted. I'm coming over."
Which was just what I did not want to hear.
Becka Martin

Monday, October 18, 2004


"Why did she have a battery up her arse anyway?"
Said Sister-Thing Raine.
"Assault and battery? Boom boom!" I laughed.
"Very fucking funny!" Raine punched me in the arm.
"But not, sweetheart as funny as your hair!" I inhaled my
ciggie and let a stream of smoke glide through my nose
like a sexy dragon.
"Very sexy-like a diesel. Now Becka what is to happen
next? And should you be doing this blog, when Pru's
killer might be reading it?" Raine's eye's were freaking
me out.
"Hell no! Nobody reads this much anyway! I think that
it is safe (for now!) but I might do this from a cyber-cafe
just in case." See? What a hero I am!
"Are you sure you can manage without me? Turning it on,
thinking, you know, the usual?" Raine said.
"Mmm, maybe not, but I don't want to put you at risk
if I get followed, not with D and Aidan."
"Hmm, didn't think of that, I know! I'll bring my laptop
and come to you!"
"Deal!" We chinked our NY city mugs together, see the
Martin's do get it right sometimes.

Well the diddly-dealing is this-Mickey Straw wants me
to follow in Pru's footsteps, this is the girl that was following
mine! Those this sound like one of those quantum thingies
or just bloody confusing, 'cos I'll go with the latter everytime.
I first have to resolve myself to splitting up from Alan, 'cos:
1./He screwed Pru
2./He made 'The Shit' seem like Santa Claus
3./He wouldn't do the hot wax stuff
4./There is no 4 at present, but suggestions are always

The face on it! Alan looked as if he was the hurt party! Cheeky!
"I cannot believe that you are leaving me! Not after all
we've been through." He snarled. The twins were obviously
in hiding, but I knew that they were listening from behind
their door. Which was kind of reassuring.
"Look Alan, I love you! But you are one crazy bastard and
you've dogged me with that Pru, how could you? So consider
this anyway you want it, but I'm leaving. Ruth's on the way
to collect me."
I definitely heard the twins when I mentioned Ruth's name,
talk about besotted. Alan looked uncomfortable.
"Oh not her now! I can't stand the bitch, she is the cause of
most of this anyway." He ran his hand through his hair,
careful, I thought, it did look thinner.
"You can't blame anyone for this other then yourself, Ruth
didn't put your dick in Pru's snatch now did she?" I said
"Oh why do you have to talk like that!" He groaned, I heard
Quinn (I think) giggle from behind his door.
"Because swearing and being vulgar makes me feel grown
up:" The doorbell sounded:"Ruthie!"
I opened the door, meanwhile in this 5 second interlude,
the twins burst into the hall like Vogue male models and
Alan had a complete nervy. Ruthie entered as all femme
fatales do, smoking, smelling of perfume and wearing her
best 'Give it to me baby' heels.
She looked at us assembled oddities.
"Do you know, I've slept with every one of you?" She said
in her chirpy cockney voice. Well the guys didn't, Alan looked
at his cousins in disgust and the boys looked at me with new
eyes. Sexy ones.
So back to being a lodger with the girls, I haven't lived with
Ruthie and Alex for a longtime. God help me.
Becka Martin

Saturday, October 16, 2004


Be calm, be quiet, still there? Ok. Well the Cops
didn't have anything on me, not one shred of evidence
linking me to Pru. Why was I called in? Because the incredibly
demented cow had a shrine to me in her flat! A shrine! Pictures!
Clothes (they were much better then mine) she even had
poxy hair extensions. If you had looked at her wardrobe, CD's,
life etc, you would have thought the bitch was me. I was kind of
glad she was dead-it was way too creepy to think about. Especially
after Ruthie looping out on me earlier in the year with her
stalky knickers on! What is it with me? I'm pretty average,
not that young or successful but.....
"You have a knack girl, of bringing out the looney in a guy."
This was Mickey. Alan had stormed off (again- sigh).
We sat drinking expresso's on the wall outside the Cop-Shop.
"Pru hated my guts! Really hated me, because I had Alan.
I don't know. After all, she was loaded, not bad looking, what
could I have, other then Al, that she would want?"
Mickey frowned into his drink.
"This is a real tough one Becks, we know that she was a bit
nutty copying you, one of the least stylish people on the planet!
The bottom line is that she made a new life for herself as you-
a life that backfired in the extreme. We think that someone
found her, she went somewhere and was found by someone.
We have an idea what went on."
"Mickey, tell me it wasn't Alan." I pleaded.
"It wasn't Alan." Said sexy 'Tec, although he was not smiling.
"Your just saying that!" I scoffed.
"Uh-uh, it wasn't Al. But he was shagging her alright, make
no bones about that, evidence, you see, on the sheets."
"Gross!" I shuddered, no wonder he had pissed off.
"Yeah, so the thing is hon, what do we do now?" Mickey stood
looking all Bruce Willisy and intense. I kissed his hard (chin!)
and slipped my hand into his pocket to nick some change for
my cab home.
"I don't know babe. Your the cops, it's your problem, I have
enough with Alan at the moment!"
"Becka! You daft cow! How thick are you? Talk about not reading
between the lines, do you even read at all? Pru was living your
life, acting like you. What makes you think for one second
that her killer might not make a move on you?"
"Shit!" I squeaked.
"Exactly! Now all's not lost, we think that we can protect you
if you do exactly what we say. Can you manage that?"
"Do I have any other options?"
"Not if you want to live."

Becka Martin

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Alan went in for questioning early this morning, I
sat like the skanky, chain-smoking girlfriend that I am
trying to make sense of it all.
Turns out Pru was found hanging by her cleaning woman
(get her!) at first they though it was some weird, Michael
Hutchence style sex game that had got out of hand. But
apparently, she had bruises, scratches and something
inserted into her rectum that was not normally found
there. Namely a large, fucked-out battery. Nice touch. Also
there was indications that she had been dead before she was
hung. Alan's prints were found at the scene and things were
not looking good.
"Why were your prints there?" I said in a voice that implied
the police would have nothing on me if he'd fucked her.
"I keep in touch with Pru, you know that, I've nothing
to hide." I didn't like his tone at all!
"I'm not saying you offed the bitch, but they said your
mucky paws were everywhere, just what the fuck is going
"You are so selfish." He said in the kind of school teacher's
voice that made you feel like you had a skid-mark in your
"That's not working Al! I wants some answers now!" My
voice was raised to a squeaky shrill, which was not very
"I also want some answers." I turned Mickey Straw stood
there with Girl Cop and his face was grim, not an iota of
"Mickey! Can you make some sense of it for me? Do you
think that Alan did it?" I made girl-eyes at him.
He sighed deeply and ruffled my possessed hair.
"Rebecca Martin you are under arrest, anything you say
may be....................."

Because of situations beyond our control at
madbecka HQ we will have to suspend all
correspondence until further notice.
(About 2 weeks should do it)

Raine (Sister-thing)

Monday, October 04, 2004


Yep, it's true, Pru is dearly departed. We got the knock on
the door in the middle of the night, which was a shame as I
was snuggled up to Alan and tracing the hairs down that grew
on his belly. Bleary eyed, Alan struggled up and opened the
door-the Police. Really, considering the childhood I had, I should
have recognized the rapping sound that they made. Un-fucking-
mistakable. I heard subdued voices and Alan suddenly make a
wailing sound like he was choking. I hurried into the lounge,
he sat with his head between his knees and a very awkward
looking Mickey Straw had his hand on Alan's shoulder. A young
WPC stood by the door. Pretty in a school girl sort of way.
"What's going on?" I asked, I knew it was bad.
"It's Pru, she's gone!" Alan burst into wracking sobs, I have never
seen a man cry like this before and to be honest, it unnerved me a
"Gone?" I said, Mickey mimed behind Alan that Pru had hung
"Shit." I said.
"It's more then that, I'm afraid it was not cut and dried. Alan you
will have to come in for questioning." Said Mickey.
"What? You don't think that I?....." His eye's were like those of a man
who had awoken to a nightmare. Which he had.
"Is he under arrest?" I asked.
"No, just need to have a little talk with him, that's all." reassured Mickey,
the Young girl Cop nodded encouragingly. I wasn't having any of it.
"Well if Al's not under arrest, then he's staying put-you can talk to
him tomorrow." I escorted Mickey to the door. "I'll fetch him in
the morning." We stood huddled in the hall to the sound of Alan's
desperate grief.
"Listen." He whispered:" It looks like someone murdered her."
"Done her in? Why? She was so popular!" I said scathingly, too
scathingly Girl Cop's eyes honed in on me. "Only joking!"
"Not funny Becka." Said Mickey, he took my arm:"Very nasty indeed."
When cops say things like that on TV, someone else usually dies,
I did a Scooby-doo gulp.
"What happened then?" I demanded (more in a Velma style).
"Can't tell you until we've spoken to your fella. That's my final
word Beck's-other then you've got a bloody great hole in your
pants!" He kissed me on the nose before I exploded. But I did
have a hole. Shit. Girl Cop looked at me pityingly. (She was
definitely more of a Daphne).
Poor Alan, I could understand him being upset, but he was
hysterical, frenzied, scary. He must have loved her very much.
Morning could not come too soon.

Becka (Holey pants Martin)

Saturday, October 02, 2004


I've seen Alex and she looks like a slightly tired version
of Tyra Banks. All glammed up with dark circles under
her eyes, when she saw me:
"Oh Becks! I've missed you so much!" Then:"What's going
on with the hair? You look like a troll-doll."
"Never mind the hair! You alright? Ruthie filled me in."
I held her hand tightly.
"Sean is history! How could he be gay when he had me?
He says that he's always liked guys and he thought it might
work with a really pretty woman. But apparently not." Her
face was aghast, poor baby.
"I mean you never had any problems in the bedroom
department did you?" I hinted.
"Well I didn't think so! But he says that he was imagining I
was freaking Robbie Williams! Wrong colour for the start!
Men-I hate them." She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply
blowing the smoke through her nose and managing to look
mean and sexy. I would just look like a tramp.
"Men are like cigarettes, they are bad for you, they smell
and when you take them out of the packaging there's usually
not Kingsize!" I laughed, Alex smirked sadly.
"Yeah and they've always running out of filters! Ah Becks, so
much for my American dream, all in tatters. Wished you'd
come to New York, you would have liked that."
"I would have! Another time, hey I can't believe Ruth split
up with the twins, they are lovely."
"I heard about them! Hmm maybe a double date if Ruth
hasn't worn them out!" She ran a hand through her relaxed,
highlighted hair.
"Not me! Alan would kill me, maybe Ruth will relent with
them, they are rather perfect." My eyes must have had
a dreamy cast.
"You seem smitten." Said Alex quietly.
"No, just horny, Alan's going through something again, I'm
hoping it's not Pru, because I will kill the bitch this time!"

As it happens-somebody got there before me.
Becka Martin

Wednesday, September 29, 2004


Excuse my french, but I'm well pissed off-how could
they do this to me? Bitches from hell! No I'm not talking
about Angela and Justine, no this is my own useless
friends, Alex and Ruth-cows.
Ruth phoned me:
"Hi Becks, listen New York was great, Alex is much
better so I don't want you to worry."
"I won't-now what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Don't you ever listen to your voice-mail?"
"That would be, no, never!" I had a horrible sinking
"Well you should! A few days back Alex had an almighty
row with Sean and they've split up! Turns out he's batting
for the other side. Had to happen, handsome, gorgeous,
kind and well dressed, did I mention he smelled nice? Well
that too, so it was only a matter of time before he realized
he was gay." Ruth sounded thoughrily excited.
"Poor Alex-how is she?" How could Sean do that to her?
"Fine now, she was in a right state though. She really tried
to get you as you are her favourite, but I managed to
meet up with her in New York of all places. We got very
pissed and shopped a lot but I think she will be ok-anyway
I've brought her back and she's crashing round mine
so you can see her tomorrow."
"I would have loved to have come to New York, shit!
Meet any nice guys?" I whined.
"I did-Alex is not ready for any of that yet. We went to an
Irish pub called The Blaggards Pub and I met a very
cute barman called Emmett!" She sounded very fluttery,
daft cow!
"Emmett? That's an odd name." I laughed.
"Yes, it's medieval." Ruth explained.
"Like Baldrick? Did you shag him?" I had to ask it.
"No, but I got very pissed and was later sick down an alley."
"That's my girl! Well I'll be seeing both you guys tomorrow-oh
what about the twins?" As she was currently shagging both
of them."I've finished with them, so they will probably come back
to stay with you and Alan. How is he by the way?"
"Apart from being disgusted with me-fine! I asked him to drip
hot wax on my naked body. He was less then impressed. He looked
at me as if I was straight from the funny farm!"
"He has a point, I think he's far too vanilla for you anyway!
Look, catch you soon!" Of she twittered, the twit!
So now I am riddled with jealousy that they got to go to NY and
also sad about Alex and Sean. He was so pretty! Why can't Alan
do the wax thingy?

Becka Martin