Sunday, November 26, 2006


"Why is it with you I always find myself wanting to hit my
head off a wall closely followed with yours?" Panted Alan, he
was striding along the road in the style of Darth Vader. I felt
very miffed, namely because I was trying to light a fag and
it had started to rain.
"I have that effect on most men." I shrugged, stopped, lit my
ciggie and inhaled the cool green menthol flavour. I don't care
what Raine says I'm never bloody well giving up!
"Even Mickey Bastard Straw?" He stopped and turned, not
a trace of sweat on his face and I was dripping like sweaty
Helga the Goatherd.
"Especially Mickey, I could really really wind that fucker up."
I said with some satisfaction and blew the smoke threw
my nose in the style of The Soup Dragon warming my winter
hooter up. N.B Americans hooter is British for 'nose' not titties.
"I'm crazy in love with you." Said Alan and kissed me on the forehead.
Very Priestly, all that black and repressed sexuality.
Bless me Father for I have sinned, now put your hands down my
draws haw haw! This is why I never made it as a Catholic girl,
oh and being slightly Jewish didn't help.
Come to Mummy!
Next minute we had fallen over one of those dwarf hedges and were
rolling around someone's garden, snatching eachothers clothes
like old women at a jumble sale.
Alan really liked sex in public, I just liked sex so it was a good match.
My head hit something hard (no not that) it was somebody's shoe.
Looking upwards I saw the most lemon sucking face I'd ever seen.
He was about 50, his glasses were very thick, he had something in his
hand, long, very long.
Nope it was a hosepipe!
No he did not do that!
He turned it on full pelt drenching us.
"Oh sorry!" He said, not looking a bit sorry.
"I thought you were cats or foxes fighting!"
"How bloody astute of you!" Said Alan lifting me up, giving
spec-man a good glimpse of my hairy annie!
His mouth dropped open.
I squealed.
Alan rolled his eyes and stood infront of me.
"Everyone's seen your snatch by now!" He grumbled.
"I hadn't." Admitted the man.
"Well we will be off then." I offered.
"Yeah sorry." Said Alan and we stepped over the small hedge.
"Oh and thank you." Said the man, this time he definitely had
something in his hand.
I giggled all the way home.
Perverts everywhere man! I always find them glory be!

Becka Mmmmm ushrooms

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


"Whoah Mister!" I grabbed Mickey's arm, that didn't stop him, I
hung on like toffee on a dog's tooth.
"This is my job girl, do you want me to arrest you?" He stopped
abruptly and I fell onto his chest which winded me in the process.
"You are getting old and you want to lay off them fags." Said Mickey
sagely but perhaps inappropriately as at that second Alan appeared
and his already sullen face fell into dark and angry lines.
Mickey laughed and peeled me off him:"Keep her, but if I was
you mate I'd consider an upgrade, she's getting old and puffy
"Bloody cheek!" I wheezed like a kettle. I punched his arm.
Alan looked furious but said nothing, which was scary, he's
so tall and dark, I had visions of him flying at Mickey like
a psychopath.
Not that he didn't deserve it.
Not that I would have cared.
"Mick, will Ruth be alright? Is she going down?" I said earnestly.
Mickey leered.
"Saucy! Ruth's victim, namely Justine has dropped charges,
I assume you will too?" I nodded. "Then it's just a fire arm
charge and being the uber-nut she is I shouldn't worry that
she won't end up in a funny farm instead of clink."
"Oh she'll like that, she always like farms." I smiled.
"Because she's an animal." Muttered Mickey;"Don't forget I've
got lots of hold on you girly what with knocking me out and helping
your Dad escape."He grinned:"That can wait until I'm bored,
you owe me about a zillion favours bitch!" He went in to
give Ruth the 3 degrees chuckling wildly.
Alan glowered and paced like one of those scary Mullahs,
I expected him to punch himself in the head at any moment.
"I wish to hell that bastard get's his come uppance!" From
this Alan decided to kick a basket containing used paper cups
high in the air.
"Oi!" Screeched a nurse:"Stop that! I'll call security!"
"Great another fool with a badge! Why don't I start a frigging
fire then we can have a whole collection of arseholes!" He
was getting mental.
The little Nurse was livid and humourless.
"Sounds like a straight Village People, who will you be?
Teacher?" I grinned imagining Alan singing YMCA, Mal
could wear the feathers, he'd like that.
"I mean it." Warned the nurse and Alan deflated just like
that. The Nurse straightened proudly aware of herself
and her own powers.
"Sorry." He picked up the cups:"I just have a girlfriend
who can't keep her knickers on for longer then five minutes
and her friends and lovers are the kind of people you cross
the street to avoid." He placed the last cup in the basket."Are
you single, you look nice, young, pretty."
The Nurse suddenly went all silly-stupid. I forget sometimes
that Alan is a good looking man and he's imposing.
I scowled at her, what a little bitch in her starchy dress.
"Why? You asking?" She simpered, yuk get me that basket I
need to vomit!
"I'm asking." Said Alan.
"Well as it happens, I am." She smiled.
"Stay that way, less complicated." Alan turned on his heel
grabbing my arm in the process. "Come on dopey."
I allowed myself the luxury of looking at the nurse over my
shoulder and pulling out my tongue.
"Security!" Screamed the Nurse down the phone.
Alan and myself decided to run.
At our ages exercise is very important.