Thursday, April 28, 2005


"What a fuckable man." Said Ruth and sighed.
"Yeah, he's a doll." Said Mal.
They were watching someone on the telly, I was
pottering in the kitchen, those life defining moments
of deciding whether to have Chicago Town or
Goodfella's pizza when both tasted of pap and had
the nutrition levels of a Maccy D wrapper.
No good I was going to have to speed dial Dominos
again, who cares that they support The Mob?
I dialled for a Hot One extra chillis and mushrooms.
Coming into the room I heard something that
made my blood go cold.
"He is fine! I'm asking Becka to sort me out with
a hook-up, it's the least she can do." This was Ruth
and she was talking about MY father Patrick!
Because of the Election the press were interviewing
a dead-already Tory, Pa was hovering in the
background talking to one of those women whose
hair never moves.
"We were just discussing your Da." Said Mal.
"Apparently!" I glared at Ruth.
"What's that face for? He's a man isn't he? What's
wrong with that?" Ruth looked very angry.
"He's married." I said, then remembered he was
married to Catherine, Dead-girl's aunt.
"I want you to introduce me to him properly."
Said Ruth, determined bitch aint she?
"He saw your snatch at the wedding and he
thought you were disgusting." I said nastily to
hurt her.
"Oooh, I'll make some drinkies shall I hens?" Said Mal
and disappeared sharpish, the big scaredy wuss.
"So he didn't like my twat? So what? Maybe he can
shove it up my arse, who cares! Ask him over
pronto." Ruth looked at me with her insane green
"What are you doing? Trying to work your way
through the whole fucking family?" I snarled.
"Maybe. Not Raine though. Call him up, Patrick,
"You spoilt brat!" I kicked the waste paper basket
over. "What do you think I am Dial- a- shag?"
"No, you are too much of the amateur for that."
Ruth grinned at me, she knew she had won the
saucy minx.
"You never had any complaints from me." I
stared at her cute face.
"Yeah, that's right, but I'm easily satisfied, had
to be with a lousy lay like you." She pulled out her
pink tongue. And wiggled it. I took that as a
"Mal!" I shouted.
"Stay in the kitchen for five minutes will you?"
"Just do it!" I turned my attention to Ruth:"I guarantee
you will come on my tongue here and now."
Ruth grinned. "And what if I don't?"
"I will call Patrick and arrange a meeting, if you
come, kiss it all goodbye." I looked at the clock.
5 minutes.
"Alright then!" She yanked down her Kylie-knickers
to reveal her perfectly pruned hoo-ha.
"Right." I said and licked my lips as I drove my
tongue home.
"That will never work!" Screamed Ruthie laughing
like a drain. "Tickles more then anything else!"
I poked a finger into her and I knew I'd nearly
I had blown it. For sure. Pardon the pun.
"Yowl! Do you ever cut your nails? Jeez!"
I pretended it was Uma Thurman and lost myself
in the taste and smell of her, I could feel muscles
tighten, everything was slippy wet, I could have
taken her pulse it was so near.
"Nearly." I said.
"Yes. Damn you." Said Ruth through gritted teeth.
The Mal dropped a whole teapot on the kitchen
floor, SMASH!!!
I sat up.
"Five minutes!" Laughed Ruth, then as and after
thought came on my finger the ho.

Becka M

Monday, April 25, 2005


"Do you think I need to see a sex therapist?"
I asked Mal as we looked at suitable noses in
a copy of Hello. Victoria Beckham's nose looked
rather interesting.
"You see a Sexpert! Oh purleaze! Ye probably
know more then the cunt does anyhow!"
"I might know more about sex, I'm just getting
worried about how much sex I need. It's scary,
I'm like, so out of control." I shuddered at a
photo of Paris Hilton, she looked ok, it was just
that little dog Tink, it had a look of abject terror
in it's eye. Probably hated the media attention, I
felt for it. And strangely it was starting to look
like the Hilton girl. Life's a bitch huh?
"You can never be too thin, too rich or have too
much sex. So shut up, I'm having a friggin famine
at this time." Mal growled and showed his white
teeth in a fearsome scowl. If he wasn't such a poof
I would have been scared.
"Hmm, what do you think about Skinner, I mean
it was so off, I really enjoyed it though."
I shivered remembering it.
Mal licked his top lip:"Tell me again, slowly this
time." What a big pervert.
Well Master Skinner had tied me to a chair
by my wrists in the kitchen, he yanked down
my trousers leaving my g string exposed.
He kissed me roughly and gagged me with
a really stinky scarf, it smelt nasty.
He then whacked me very hard with a rolled up
edition of Vogue. That stiff spine really hurt.
Then he pulled my panties down slowly,
tweaking my pubic hair viciously and
scratching my anus brutally with his thumb
Then he left me there, for ages! My arms
were beginning to go to sleep and I had
an over whelming need to pee.
30 minutes went by. I began to make
bleating noises and I wiggled my bum
invitingly. He knew the bastard. He went
into the kitchen and returned with
an ice cube and a cup of water.
He resumed his spanking, this time
with the back of his hand, every now and
then he would touch my clit with the
ice. It made it smart and vibrate, so
close I was to coming and also I so badly
needed to pee. I could not do it, pee
here on Ruthies polished kitchen floor how
But I had little choice, the next minute he was
running, rivulets of cold water down the valley
between my buttocks, it dripped into me
like chinese water torture!
I went with it, feeling my vagina tighten
and spurge and my bladder spill like a
fountain onto the floor.
For one blissful second I felt brilliant,
then I felt dirty and sick.
Skinner had this stupid smug bastard look
on his face. I started to cry.
"First times are always hard. I've got
so much to teach you."
Later when he had left I contemplated
what had happened. Skinner could teach
me, to be what? A professional?
Did I want him to? I turned on the shower
full blast and scrubbed away my shame, then
felt it again as I remembered the hard time
I had given to Angela and Justine when
I had caught them indulging in similar.
Later I felt it again when Ruth came home
drunk and stepped into my puddle which I had
forgotten to clean up.
"Your fucking Sister's dog has pissed on my
floor again! I'm going to kill it, I really am."
She roared.
I felt it was safer at this time to say nothing.
Mal laughed. At least I had cheered him up.

Becka M

Friday, April 22, 2005


Can you imagine the fallout from the wedding? Somehow
I managed to offend people that didn't even attend-so this
must be something of a record for me.
Patrick-well I bet he wished he'd been shooting blanks in
the 70's.
Alan-so handshakingly angry with me-he can't even
look at me.
Angela-well hello dole queue!
Justine-watchout for voodoo curses
Ruth-she thinks it's funny (well she would-wouldn't she?)
Alex-not at all surprised, seems to think this is normal
behaviour for me.
Mickey-he's actually the only one who asked if I was
feeling ok. He said I was a nutter and pinched my nipple-hard.
Mal-said he's glad he's my friend and now too scared to
consider the alternative.
Max-gave me his teenage-anx stare (oh give me a break
kid! It's not my fault your Mother is a lesbian and a
power-crazed cow)
Skinner-who gives a damn what he thinks?
Sister-thing Raine-More angry then a roomful of
hornets, furious that I could be so stupid.
D-well if he spoke he'd probably be pissed off with me.
Ma-narked that I showed myself up in front of Pa-
because of course she brought me up so bloody well
like a laydee, yeah right, take all the credit Ma!

So I feel wretched now, haven't been to work all
week and nobody has phoned to see if I'm ok.
Well Mal did pop over and say that I could work
at his shop, if I'd accept minimum wage.
And Raine brought me over some Baskin Robbins
ice-cream, chocolate nut fudge, yum. (But she
did shake her finger at me)
So my birthday wasn't exactly favoured in a good
light, bad timing. God that should be the name
for this blog. Maybe.
Ruth sent me a card with a photo of Prince Harry
dressed as a nazi-boy and a crude picture doodled of
me with a bare arse. Nice. Oh and a voucher for a
tattoo at a local parlour. Maybe. But most importantly
an I.O.U A NOSEJOB written on a used condom
wrapper. Sweet touch.
Alex sent me a bottle of Vera Wong perfume. Lovely,
not really me though-I'm more flowery (whatever anyone
Alan got me a box of Godiva choccies and a small
silver bracelet from Tiffany's. Gorgeous but last
year he bought me a Vespa (wonder what happened
to that bike? Oh how it gleamed) I'll be using a
mobility scooter before long. I think maybe Alan's
going off me bigtime.
Mickey brought round the biggest erection I have ever
seen. But I sent them both away.
Sister-thing,D and Aidan also took me out for a
dinner in our local Italian. Aidan through a mussel
from Raine's pasta at me and it twanged off my
nose. Does everything have to hurt me? Apparently
Skinner turned up late last night, with piercing blue
contacts and a thumb claw.
"What do you want fuckface?"
"When are you going to learn to call me Master, my
dear?" He said pleasantly.
"When hell freezes over?"
"Pretty chilly out here and South London is hellish."
He grinned to reveal his vampire teeth, I shivered.
Ok he has a small dick, but he's very good at other
"Make me say Master." I challenged.

Oh and he did. And Mummy and crumbs.

Becka M

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


Happy 35th birthday Becka!

Now grow-up!

Monday, April 18, 2005


I stood there in front of the assembled power
monkeys and talked complete bollocks.
"I like to think of us as Charlie's Angels, you
know the 70's show? Three little girls, well
one was super dupa fly (that was me!) one
was the lovely supersize-me Angela who
had an adorable son, Max and one little girl
was dead!" I laughed at my own joke.
Nobody else did.
"I mean we needed a Bosely to sort us out,
that can be Mal! Hey Mal!" I waved to him,
he was hiding behind a napkin.
"So our store must be The Police Academy
and Charlie who took us away from all that
must actually be Angela, because she's the one
with money. So then we need a new Angel
because, I can't remember why actually!" I
laughed again. I could hear Ruthie laughing
madly. I saw Alan's scared eyes and Patrick
looking at me sadly.
"So to the brides! Let's all raise a glass to
the lovely brides, Angela and Justine, may
their time together be filled with Gucci and
Gautier!" Said Alex behind me, taking over
smoothly as ever. Everyone saluted, but all
eyes were on me. I could hear Justine's
teeth grinding and Angela hissed:"I'll get
you for this Rebecca Martin!"

Becka M

Sunday, April 17, 2005


The wine waiter made the fatal (and expensive)
mistake of putting down a tray laden with sherry
next to Ruth, Alex and myself. We made short
work of it and Alan muttered something about
harpies or was that herpes? Mal had eyes only
for Mickey Straw.
"Oh god he's too fine! Why is he so perfect? Why
is he not gay?"
I ignored him torn between staring at Alan who
was his gorgeous, sulky self and my magnificent
father who gave the whole affair a touch of class.
Catherine his wife gave Justine air kisses and
they screeched and trilled into eachother's faces
like demented cheerleaders. I pulled a face at
Patrick and he moved across.
"Isn't that ghastly?" He said and looked down
at Ruth who was sitting there doing a Sharon
Stone moment.
"Ruth!" I poked her hard on the forehead.
"I'm sure he's seen one before, definitely the
lezzies have." She clamped her legs together
stuck out her tongue and went in search of
booze. Patrick shook his head.
"Young women today, no grooming." He said sadly.
"I wouldn't say that, Ruth's always having her
hoo-ha groomed." He raised his eyebrows.
"Try one of these Madam?" Enquired a young
waitress. I took a proffered green topped puff
thingy and bit into it. Instant gag-a-rama! I
had to spit it in a napkin. Patrick looked highly
amused, as did the waitress.
"What the hell was that?" I demanded and knocked
back another sherry to take the taste away.
"That Madam was chilled spinach, mushroom
and tomato with ricotta cheese."
"Don't you ever give me one of those again!"
"I'll remember that." Said the waitress and went off
smirking, cow.
I felt a bit light headed then someone started to
say Speech Speech!
I looked around with interest, what fool was
going to have to speak in front of these monkeys?
Angela squeezed my arm.
"Make me proud Becka." Her eyes and her voice
had a touch of ice in them.
"Huh?" I said sipping my drink.
"They are waiting for you're speech!" Hissed Alan.
All eyes were on me and you know what?
I was pissed.
As in der-runk.

Becka Martin

Saturday, April 16, 2005


The very trite and let's face it (boring) marriage
vows were said, I stifled the urge to show everyone
my tonsils in a spectacular yawn.
I especially liked the bit when Patrick pushed Justine
off his arm like you would a bird dropping.
"And the rings?" Said the vapid faced vicar looking at me
like I should have known about them.
"Oh we decided not to have traditional rings."
Whispered Justine, she leaned forwards to the
clergyman. "We had nipple rings fitted last week instead,
more intimate and believe it or not, the link."
Vic's face went the colour of old coffee. I gagged,
Patrick snorted, ah he was a snorter like me!
After the dreadful photos, us smiling inanely and
Mal following me around like some predatory
gay-dog, it was time for the reception.
"Who is that greasy article?" He said in disgust as
he looked at Skinner:"He is positively shiny!"
I explained the Skinner episode.
"You had sex with that?" Mal grinned, oh it was such
a hoot for him, the pansy!
"Yeah and I've had sex with him:" I pointed to Max:
"And him, the Bruce Willis clone, also Ruthie, Angela
and I regularly mate with Alan. Anything else you
would like to know?" I snapped.
"No I think that is quite enough!" Said Mal.

Becka M

Friday, April 15, 2005

(Get out of my head Gwen Stefani)

Weddings are the pits, who wants that level of
stress? Certainly not me! If I ever have a nuptial
I'll just take my nearest and dearest and take off
somewhere hot and sultry-definitely not a hotel
with poncy staff and dodgy guests.
Angela entered the sideroom, radiant and dressed
similar to myself, where upon my suit was of
a silver hue her's was a bright cerise. Hmm interesting
choice, she looked like a bright bowl of turkish delight.
"I'm sooo happy Becka!" She trilled and kissed me
sloppily. Perhaps she was pleased to see me-
but she also squeezed my bum. Nice touch. Bridey.
"Let's get this show on the road shall we?" I said
and linking arms with her escorted her through
the flower draped room where the people sat oohing
and aahing as we approached. We just got there when
Patrick came out of another door with The Bride
of Frankenstein draped over his arm like Dutch Elm
disease. He had a look on his face between pissed off
and amused, he caught my eye and had to look away
fast. I have that effect on folk.
The 'Vicar' began to talk of love and stuff, I could
see Max sulking with his mental hair reflecting his
inner turmoil-my heart went out to him.
Oh happy day!!!!
Becka M

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


"Skinner! What are you doing here?" I hissed
into his smug, shiny face.
"Like the nose, adds character. I'm here for
the wedding, what else? Remember I did know
Justine intimately."
"Well keep out of my way! Don't let Alan see
you, his ex-wife was Pru? " My turn to smile as his
face went the colour of melted butter. He shuffled off like
a meth-suited him.
"Who was that?" Said Alan and his eyes were
narrowed. Mal looked over his shoulder like a
ginger parrott.
"He were greasy!" He said in disgust.
"Ah just a friend of one of the Brides, nothing to
worry about!" I laughed and kissed Alan's cheek.
I pulled my tongue out a Mal though.
Everyone was bunching up, must be time soon.
Then a man in a suit said:
"Becka Martin, Sir Patrick Beamish can you
come this way please?"
Time to get the Brides, Patrick winked at
me and we were ushered off into a sideroom.
"Love the suit." Said Patrick.
"And you look very smart!" I beamed at him.
"Becka the nose really is a problem you know?"
He said meaningfully. I nodded sadly.
Then another man entered the room a man
who I could have cheerfully punched in the
Mickey Straw!
"Sir the Bride is ready for you now." No
eye contact with me at all.
"Who is he?" I said to Patrick (yes I was
playing stupid, probably far too well).
"Don't be silly dear, this is Detective Sgt
Michael Straw to whom you are acquainted.
He is acting as my security incase anything
goes amiss." And I knew from his tone that he
knew everything about me and Mick. But did
he know that Mickey was investigating him?
Mickey gave me the worst shit-kicking
grin I had ever seen. I hate him.
I blushed hideously, but there was no time to
dwell on it. The wedding had started.


p.s the title is cryptic but someone out there
knows what it means! Rainexxx

Monday, April 11, 2005


When I am an old lady I will have to have a
bag or something similar as I will be paying for
all the shocks I've had lately.
Don't even know if my bowel is going to last
until my 40's at this rate, the wedding has
turned my innards to jam.
We arrived at the Thistle hotel where the
wedding was taking place and I was ok at
this stage then Alan said: "What are you going
to say?" "Excuse me?" I frowned at him.
"What are you going to say in your speech,
you are Best man after all." He grinned at
me, the evil sod.
Mal gasped.
"Ah hin! Have 'ye not prepared anything?"
"Shit on a stick." I said.
Ruth burst out laughing.
"Queeeen of the fuckwits! What a stupid bitch!"
And cackled away merrily like an old gal sitting
knitting at the gallows.
"Becka! Think fast then." Alan's eyes sparkled
darkly, not that I could actually look him in the
eye, not after the way I had behaved with Mr
I kept having flash backs, Mickey kissing and
probing every inch of me with his tongue and
putting me on his enormous boing. When he fucked
you-you stayed fucked, no return.
I kept feeling his breath on my neck, his dick in
my snatch, up my arse and in my mouth. It was
torture. Now this shit.
"Help me Alan, you are a writer, can't you write
something for me?" I rubbed his arm, it didn't
"Oh no, you can sort this one out yourself!" He
sniggered. Mal seemed to be the only one not
laughing at me, no instead he was ogling my
"Ah Becka! He's fantastic! Now I see why you
are so pretty! What a fabulous man!"
"Hands off!" I hissed:"Mal can you write?"
Mal laughed:"Nay, I canae just about read!"
I looked over at Patrick standing there looking
like Harrison Ford at his best, all
dark and dangerous. His wife Catherine stood
by his side. Oh dear, she reminded me of a
sheep. Something to do with the eyes. And the
hair. And the bovineness. Could see where Justine
got her transparency from. Ick. These people
needed blood. Patrick caught my eye and winked,
then looked away. I felt myself warm inside.
Our secret. Nobody could take it away.
Sean dragged Alex in like she was a piece of
body art so closely attached was she.
A few power lezzies, then I caught site of Max,
Angela's son standing there looking like a
lost Edward Scissorhands all Deppish and
"Hey!" I said and kissed his cheek.
"God you're nose looks ugly." He said spitefully,
I could see that he was nervous though, the
chewed fingernails and tick in his temple were
proof of that. I decided to let him live.
"Look no hard feelings Maxi, this is your Mum's
day right?" I stroked his cheek.
"This is fucked." He snapped and walked off
leaving me standing there all embarrassed
like you are when someone walks off mid
"Penny for them!" Said a simpering voice.
I turned and looked into the wolf-stylie
pupils of Skinner.
Whoah! That was change of knickers number
Becka M

Saturday, April 09, 2005


Just a quick post-yes today is the day of The Wedding
and also Angela and Justine are getting their union
I'm a shit, I've done it again I've slept with that bloody
Micky Staw! Not a lot I can say in my defense, except
that at least I enjoyed it (but that will never stand up
in court).
Alan is on his way to collect us, Ruth is dressed in
a fabulous orange silk shift dress (bit too summery
if you ask me) and a fucked out hat.
Alex and Sean are meeting us there (if they can get
out of bed). Raine and D will not be coming, Raine said
she would rather eat belly button fluff then be in the
same room as Ruthie.
Mal is here bless him (bit sulky though as I made
him wear a suit) and he is chain smoking and getting
very hyper. I am trying to cover my bloody awful
nose with foundation, still look like Gonzo though.
I'm wearing a beautiful, almost Indian cut suit,
3 quarter length trousers and fitted high neck jacket.
I look like a beat up version of Jemima Khan.
I fucked Mickey. I love Alan.
Mickey said to me:"I'm ready to put you first Becks,
before Sharon and the kids. You are my number one
I love you baby." And he meant it.
Have you any idea how many times I had wanted
him to say that?
Bad timing.
Let's get this wedding over, help me Daddy!
Becka M

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

kiss my tootie

Ever danced naked with an octopus? No neither had I
until now.
"Stop it Mickey!" I squealed breathless and practically
"You know you want it you dirty girl!" He bit me very hard
on the collarbone.
"Yowch! That hurt you freak!" I slapped him twice rapidly
on each cheek. That stopped him.
"Blimey you don't pull you're shots do you?" He gave me
a baleful look.
"What the fuck do you want Straw?" I straightened my
clothes all the time aware that my nipples were standing out
like doorknobs and my pussy was throbbing in anticipation.
Down girl!
"I'll cut to the chase, I hear that a small Gender Bender
wedding is in the offing. Special guests, very special political
guests with very sexy illegitimate daughters."
Fuckedy fuck!
"I don't know what you mean." I said primly.
"I bugged your phone sweetcakes, Daddy is being investigated
for 'resting' money that belongs to his constituency in
his account in the Caymen Islands. How thrilled I was to
hear you're little name involved in this one." He smiled at me,
oh how I could have smashed his lovely teeth down his
pigging throat!
"I don't know what you mean, really I don't." This was true.
"I'm sure Patrick hasn't done anything wrong." ( Was I?)
"Please Mick don't mess this up for me, I've only just
met the guy. He's fantastic."
I could see a muscle flex in his cheek, oh those beefy guys!
"I'll think on this girl, I'll think hard, talking of hard
get down on your knees there's a love."
"Fuck you!" I snapped.
"I'll do that too." He assured me.
"It's like this Mickey, I'm with Alan now and I'm trying
to be good this time, you are the sexiest man I know,
but please don't tempt me."
"I'm not tempting you, this is an order, now get you're
knickers off and sit on my face!" He pulled off his
t-shirt to reveal a six pack which was frankly lickable.
"No Mick!" I said and started to back off, all the while
he stripped more clothes off until he stood there naked
and unabashed like an advert for Rent-A-Dick.
He smiled like a cobra.
"Oh you bastard!" I said as his hands found my breasts.
"I missed you most of all Becky (Becky!!!) you and
you're golden cunt. What's going on with the nose
I touched my nose, I'd removed the splint myself, that
Anna Friel Stuff had really got to me. I looked like
Gonzo off the Muppet Show. Bent and beaky.
That was like a wake up call except I didn't wake up.
I merely fell deeper into hell.
"I hate you, you can kiss my tootie!" I spat in his face.
"I'll do that too, by the way love, I love you madly."

Beck Mmmmmm

Sunday, April 03, 2005


"So you are going to this wedding too."
Said Patrick and laughed deeply:"Oh God what
a bloody mess, still it will show us Conservatives
are not at all fuddy duddy."
"Or of course it could prove what we've known all
alone-Tories are riddled with vice and sexual
fetish." I said.
"Yes." He replied dryly. "I take it that you will
be discreet, about you're relationship with
myself?" There was a slight threat in his voice:
"As I will have Catherine with me."
"I won't say a word, does it matter that much
too you?" I felt slightly hurt.
"In a word yes, you've done nothing wrong my dear,
but the press would have a field day with you."
He laughed again:"I got an invitation to another
wedding you know, but I think this one will be
more fun if you can keep our secret."
"Oh you mean Ken and Deirdre!" I giggled.
"More like King and Dreary. I can't wait to see you
again Rebecca."
"I'll be the soul of discretion." I assured him:" Oh I've
something to ask you."
"Fire away."
So I asked him about Justine, because it was really,
really worrying me. His laughter was like music
to my ears.
"Oh that silly bitch! She is Catherine's niece, technically
my niece too, but we'll overlook that one! Not the
healthiest looking person is she?"
"I call her Dead-girl!" I admitted. No blood ties, I was a
happy bunny!
"I think that suits her very well, though not very fair
to corpses!"
We laughed together and for the first time I was
actually looking forwards to this wedding, I might be
able to steal a moment of his time.
"You will meet Alan, my boyfriend." I felt a thrill
go through me, I felt sixteen again.
"Mmm, he'd better be good enough for my girl,
anyway we will leave it there shall we? I'll see
you soon."
"I'm the Best Man." I warned him.
"I'm sure you are." He said completely unfazed.
Then 10 minutes later I got a little visit from a
Detective named Straw.
Becka M