Friday, April 30, 2004


Here I am again, manless and with a
bad case of facial hair. It must have known
that I was going to split with Alan and the
follicles thought 'go for it!'. I now have a
dark line above my upper lip, not a good
look for me.
I bought some Jolen creme bleach what
a mistake it was falling asleep! I now have
a red-but hairless moustache. I put some
nappy rash stuff on it and now it's inflamed.
Lovely. Justine's smile turned into a bloody
pumpkin grin when she saw me.
"Interesting, very shiny." She smirked.
"Curl up and die." I muttered.
But the day had an interesting twist to it,
later Pru turned up at my counter!
"Hello Becka!" She said in a voice like Miss Jean
"Hello Pru, um, what are you doing here?"
"Well I've come to take you to lunch my dear!
My treat."
She waited another half an hour for me to finish,
what could she possibly want from me?
We went to an Italian Bistro, I ordered a funghi
pizza, Pru had a green salad with no dressing .
"I suppose you must wonder why I want to
talk to you." She said and sipped a glass of mineral
water. I had lager myself.
"You could say that." I admitted.
"Well I was intrigued by you, wondered what
Alan would see in you. You are very pretty."
I managed to squeeze out a 'oh no!' and a half
hearted blush, but I could feel the storm growing.
"Alan is a dear man." She looked away and started
to shred her napkin, the waitress would'nt like that.
"I realised that I had made a very big mistake
letting him go like that, for a mere fantasy."
"We all make mistakes." I said guardedly.
"Indeed. But I aim to rectify mine as soon as
possible. I've decided dear, that I want him
back." Suddenly her eyes (which were a dove grey
colour) suddenly went steely.
"Well your out of luck there sweetheart, on
account that he is my fella now." I put down
my fork, it was not good to keep eating when
you are confronting a woman on a mission.
"I don't see that at all, Becka you are young,
you will find someone else. Alan is my destiny."
"Don't talk cock!" I snapped:"I'm 34 and whether
Alan is my destiny or not, he is my boyfriend at
the moment and it's up to him to split with me,
not you."
"I can see that your from the gutter." She spoke
with considerable distaste:"I've tried to make this
as pleasant as possible but it's not going to work.
You are pretty, but you don't have any of the history
that Alan and I share. You can't compete with me you
know." Her voice was part bravado and part arrogance.
"That remains to be seen, he can tell me himself."
I stood, suddenly the mushrooms on my pizza
reminded me of slugs.
"Whats with the lip dear? Collagen go wrong?"
She said with deep seated bitchery.
"Nope, it's just sore through sucking Alan's
dick all night!" I heard her gasp (and several
people from the next table).
"So it's just a physical thing between you?"
Her voice was harsh and bitter.
"Thats a big part yeah, but theres more to
it then that."
"I will have him dear, be assured of it. I
get everything that I want." She sipped her
"Thanks for lunch, sorry I could'nt eat it, I
would have choked!" I threw on the table
a £20 note.
"I told you I would pay!" She snarled.
"Give it to the waitress!" I stormed out and
back to work.
"Where's your girlfriend?" Said Justine.
"She's not my friend, she's..." I was going to
blurt everything out to my enemy, then I
had a cunning plan." No, she was a talent scout
for a new show called 'I work with an areshole'
I nominated you." I grinned and watched her
smile curdle like she'd bit a lemon.
Well that cheered me up a bit. I phoned Alan.
"Are you coming home?" I asked.
"I am home." Said the curt reply.
"I see."
"What do you see?"
"I see that I've blown away another great
relationship." I felt the urge to cry, beg him
to come back.
"It's not just you, me as well. Maybe I'll come
around tonight?"
"Ok, what time?"
"I just said maybe! Ok, around 8, alright?
Got to go now, Pru's waiting outside in her car."
I felt a horrible sick feeling in my stomach.
"Alan! Don't go with her! Please!"
"This jealousy is ridiculous. At 8 right?"
"Right." I admitted defeat, now I would just have
to wait and see.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

'Shut up a your face'

I could hardly leave the situation like this
could I? So rather then tell Alan about my
harrowing experience with 'The Shit', I
started to interrogate him about Pru.
"Right, lets clear the air shall we?"
"I was unaware there was air to clear, but
go ahead if you want to." Said Alan and
infuriatingly he continued to watch the
television. A taped episode of 'Most Haunted'.
"You had lunch with Pru yesterday and
you have'nt spoken about it at all. What
"Excuse me? Just because I'm not like you and
your gossipy little friends! We had lunch at
Swiss Pepa, a veggie restuarant and talked
about old times." At last he peeled his eyes
away from Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah
and gave me some attention.
"Were you thinking of re-living some of them?"
I stared very hard at him, trying to see deception
in his face and was dismayed when he looked
"No." He said and turned his back on me.
"This is taped! Can't you turn it off and talk
to me?" I squawked angrily at him.
"This is my favourite part, when Derek gets
"Bloody hell! This is my flat! My telly, my tape!"
My big mouth. That blew it, Alan stood up
calmly and turned the set off.
"I see." He said and got his jacket:"If it's like
that then I'll leave. I'll get my things tomorrow."
His face was cold and totally unreadable.
"I'm sorry!" I cried.
"I'll be back tomorrow. Then we're, ah, see."
"I'm not good at this love stuff." I said feeling
helpless to stop what was unravelling before my
eyes. Alan looked at me and shook his head
"Your a good kid." He said as he left.
Kid? I'm 34! Oh all that glam-gran stuff with
Pru I supposed, he was comparing us. She
was obviously a woman and I was a kid!
Not in the least flattering in this instant. I
beat a pillow black and blue and screamed
in the shower. Do you do that? Have the jet
on warp blast and just scream? Oh just me then.
I miss Alan, I'm losing him because I don't have
the tools to keep him. It's like a game where
the rules suddenly change, like Twister at puberty.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004


Jeff turned up at work today like a bull
in a china shop.
"Are you trying to ruin my life?" He said in an
impossible high voice.
"Not trying at all." I began to take a deep interest
in a blusher brush.
"I've just managed to calm Estelle down, we're
seeing eachother again and then the police turn
up to question her! She remembers you
all over again!" Jeff looked particulary nasty, I
ignored him some more.
"Would you like to make a purchase Sir? If
not, can you move the fuck away from my
counter before I call Security?" I said sweetly with
my hand discreetly resting on the panic button.
He ran a hand down his face making him look
inexplicitly like Alan. I felt a pang, for Alan I
mean. I realised what it might be like to lose him.
"You are a nasty little bitch." Jeff muttered and
left me too it.
"Hardly little." I said to myself.
I noticed Justine looking at me.
" It's alright! I have'nt shagged him or anything!"
I said perhaps too loudly for lunchtime. I saw
her flinch.
Talking of lunch, I wonder how Alan got on
with Pru? What did they eat? Did he
shag her? For old times sake? I'm too scared to
ask him and he has'nt volunteered anything yet.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Dear Prudence

"Um I phoned Pru." Said the voice of a guilty
man. Namely Alan.
I glared and shrugged at the same time.
"So?" Like it mattered less then nothing to
"I'm going to be meeting her for lunch today,
is that ok with you?" Said Alan's hesistant voice.
"Fine." I like to keep to one-word replies when I'm
"Would you like to come as well?"
I made a choking kind of scoffing laugh.
"My, you are a greedy boy! She's very beautiful
this Pru, is'nt she?" I scanned his face for a
"I always thought so." He agreed.
I could tell that he was grinding his teeth.
"Are you going to act so childishly everytime
I see someone else?" He demanded.
"Nope, I'll probably have a date of my own to
go to." Like that was a reality!
"This is not a 'date' this is a lunch with an old friend."
"An old friend that you were married to and
used to shag frequently." I pointed out.
" Why are you acting like this? It's all ancient
history, or don't you hve any friends that you
used to once care for?"
I grinned at him.
"Nah, I hated all my ex's, 'cept Jeff."
"Yeah-and you shagged him recently did'nt you?
Just don't tar people with your own brush. I
have higher standards." He looked so pompous.
"Your a man are'nt you? Anyway your standards
can't be that high or else you would'nt be with
me." I loved to win, even if it was at my own
"Would you like me to cancel?" His voice dripped
with ice cold anger, he would cancel, but at what
"No you go out with your 'Lady', I'll amused myself
with my collection of vibrators."
Alan kissed me on the forehead.
"I'll bring you back a present." He whispered like I
was a child. I kissed him hard on the mouth. I
think he liked that.
I am childish, Pru's sophisticated and adult, maybe
he misses that sometimes. Grown up stuff.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Posh and Becks (sigh)

I was greeted at worked to day by a
testy Justine.
"A policeman turned up at my door last night!"
She said in an irate voice and with her hands
on her hips. She reminded me of my mother
but less Jewish.
"Thats a novel way to meet a man. Cute was he?"
I feined disinterest.
"You sent him! He kept asking me all these weird
questions, like the ones you keep asking me. I
don't and STILL don't know whats going on. Tell
me now Becka."
"So he did'nt arrest you?" I demanded.
She shook her head:
"Damn it!" So I told her about my Postie.
"And you thought I'd done it?" She looked incredulous.
"Well you do hate me." I said.
"Yes." She admitted:"But I'm not a criminal or mad!
I'd never do anything so creepy, it scares me just
thinking about it." She shivered. "Imagine the kind
of person who would put locusts through a letterbox!
He must be a real freak!"
"Thanks, you've put my mind to rest, kind of! But
we think it's a woman, Alan saw a blonde running
"Well it might have been someone in a blonde wig,
it could even have been a man, thought of that?"
I grimaced:"No, I had'nt but I will now! Justine,
thanks and:" This bit really hurt:"Sorry, but shit
girl! I really thought it was you."
"Sorry to disappoint you!" She laughed and shaking
her head went back to her counter to spray the
unsuspecting. I felt a niggle of guilt, but it passed.

Later that night I sat with Alex in The Twisted Gut,
drinking Mudshakes.
Sean was leaving but Alex seemed in good
spirits, strange as she really liked him.
"Part of me wants to grab him and beg him to
stay." She admitted.
"And the other part?" I asked.
"Wants him to go , for his own good, he needs
this job Becka." She nibbled thoughtfully on a
porkscratching, she was the only person I
knew that could eat them when still sober.
"Hmm, I think he'll be back, he's lovely." I
said. She looked at me.
"And you! With Alan, who would have believed it!
We could have a double wedding if the bastards
will marry us!" She was getting too enthusiastic.
"Whoah! I'm not marrying anyone, least of all
"Why least of all? He's lovely, so dignified and
dark! Really posh, oh my god!" She began to
snort. "You are the new 'Posh and Becks'!"
"Piss off you!" I stood up to my full height or
should I say (fall height) as I slipped on a
spill and landed on my arse with a crash biting
my tongue in the process. I wondered how
many times I had done that over the years,
frightening really, must have been at least twice
a month or something silly.
"Come on Becka! Lighten up, anyway you will
probably have to fight your corner if you
want him. Now that Prudence is back on
the scene." Alex said warningly.
"I will never fight for a man, he can go if he
wants, I'm not stopping anyone doing anything.
I've got my friends, that all I need." I placed a
'friendly arm' around Alex's neck.
"Ah, well you see Becka, I'm actually leaving.
I'm going to America with Sean."
That tore it.
"Ah I see."
I'm very selfish-but I did'nt see (it) at all.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

The H-ex

Alan created such a fuss that I decided to
go to the police. Luckily my blogspot actually
proved very valuable at documenting when
the 'postie' activities took place. I was told
off and they said that I should have reported
this before. Oh well it's done now. Have to
wait and see and keep in contact with the
police everytime something happens.
We were walking home hand in hand when a
silver Lexus drew up besides us and parked.
The blackened window opened slowly.
"Alan!" Said the husky female voice which seemed
full of promise and emotion. Alan let go of my
"Pru! How wonderful!"
The door of the car opened and out got 'Pru',
for a fleeting second I could feel superior
because she was at least 10 years older then
myself. Then I realised that she was absolutely
stunning, like Francesca Annis or Sigorney
Weaver, older confident, beautiful and rich.
They embraced warmly.
"Becka, this is my ex-wife Prudence, Pru this
is my current girlfriend Becka." Gushed Alan.
I did'nt like the 'current' one little bit!
"Pleased to meet you." I mumbled.
"Charming! So pretty!" She said patronizingly
then to Alan:"Honey, I have to go! But look,
I'm in London for a few days, here's my card
please call me! Your still at our old place I
take it?" She said hopefully, her pale blue
eyes were twinkling and I realised that they
were totally at ease with eachother. I liked
her hair too, it was short and spiky with grey
streaks which were either from age or by intention
whatever, it looked chic.
"Um I'm staying with Becka at the moment so it's
probably better if I call you darling?" He kissed her
warmly on the cheek.
"Nice to have met you sweetheart." Said Pru to
me. I felt suddenly very tawdry and unkempt.
"Whats that face for?" Said Alan and gave me a
"I just feel, oh nothing-just being silly! Come on
lets have some dinner!" I thought it would be
best to play it cool.
"You have nothing to worry about you know." Said
Alan (like he'd suddenly morphed into a mind-reader).
"I don't know what you mean." I said defensively.
In the even as I grilled some tuna, I also grilled
Alan. He and Pru had been childhood sweethearts
well from 16, had gone to university together and
finally married at 24. They'd never had children but
divorced amicably when Pru (a college lecturer) had
embarked on an affair with a student. It was'nt
that bad though, he had been 29 at the time!
She's married him, had a late child and then divorced
(he'd come out as gay). Pru had always kept in
touch with Alan over the years.
I shrugged.
"Do you trust me?" He asked simply.
"Yes." I said implicitly (all men were not to be tarred
with the Jeff-brush):"But, I don't trust her, I saw the
way she was looking at you! All roaming eyeballs and
Alan laughed happily.
"Look, we are ancient history and I'm really
happy to be with you! I promise!"
Still feel funny though, sexy ex's are never a
welcome sight.
"Do you still fancy her? Were you heartbroken when
she left you?"
"No and yes. I only fancy you, but she did break my
heart leaving me for a spotty git of a mature student!"
"Humph" I mumbled, I had a feeling about this
Pru. I was also wondering whether Estelle had
been questioned yet or Justine come to that. I'd
named both of them, those that make me a nark?

Saturday, April 24, 2004

LilacLace (Again)

Well last night was different. First of all we
got rat-arsed at The Twisted Gut then Alex
decided that we must go to LilacLace. This
was like a kind of death wish considering what
had happened last time with Grady (Alex's old
squeeze) But we were drunk, evil and brainless.
So we went anyway.
Neck met us on the door.
"What are you ladyeez doing here?"
"We've come to dance, is that ok with you?"
Snapped Alex, who was staggering all over the
place. As were we all.
"Depends on how the Boss will take it." Murmured
Neck, he smiled to show off his white teeth:"Go on,
I like to see the Boss riled up."
"Thank you!" Said Ruth and the three of us weaved
our way through the pulsating crowds.
After about a minute, Grady swooped up to us like
a murderous Pavorotti.
"What are you bitches doing here? YOUR BARRED!"
He snapped. Alex placed her arms around his
quivering form.
"Ah sweetheart, don't you like me anymore?"
"You aint got anything I need, OUT!" He pushed
her roughly away.
"Aw let us stay, this is Becka's birthday night.
We won't cause any trouble." She pleaded.
Grady looked at me evilly.
"It's not anything to celebrate getting older is it?
Especially not for a woman. Stay then, but keep
out of my hair." This was funny as he had shaved his
head, we smirked at eachother. Grady leaned over
to Alex.
"I hear loverboy's disappearing soon to America,
sad eh? He'll be busy enough there with those
lovely young girls. Might lose his taste for old bitches."
I grabbed hold of Alex as she went to smack him
one. Luckily he had'nt noticed as he was in the process
of turning (and there was a lot of wobbling Grady to turn).
"Come on, I'll buy everyone cocktails." I said as a
distraction. We managed to drink our weight in
raspberry Vodkas, delicious and it slipped down like
silk. We danced like dementers.
"So." Said Ruth later :"How is it going with Alan?"
"Oh great! We argue like cats and dogs, have nothing
in common. But the sex is good."
Ruth frowned at me.
"I think he's lovely." She said quietly, I was about
to ask her what she meant when all hell broke lose!
Jeff and Estelle were dancing together smoochily
when they saw me, a split second later I was reeling
on the floor like a flapping fish! Estelle had belted
me across the face, raking me with her nails at the
same time!
Jeff caught the blonde fury who was struggling and
spitting away at me.
"Bitch! Whore! Tart!" She screamed.
"Thats enough!" Said Jeff and mouthed 'sorry' at
me before bundling her out of harms way.
Neck and Grady laughed at me.
"Out of sight!" Said Neck.
"Made my night!" Said Grady.
Surveying the damaged in the loo mirror was a
nightmare, I had huge scrapes down my left
cheek and my lip looked very Leslie Ashe. I started
to cry, the girls took charge and delivered me to
Alan via a cab. I spent the rest of the night being
nursed by Alan and a sock filled with ice.
Zoey burst into tears when she saw my face today.
"It's not that bad Zoey! You should have seen
me when I broke my tooth."
But it was bad and she knew it. Justine could hardly
contain her glee.
"You see that is what happens when you try to
steal someones elses boyfriend."
"Jeff was my boyfriend for years, you don't see
me attacking Estelle do you?" (Much as I wanted to!)
"Perhaps those stripes will calm you down, maybe
you will realise your place. At the bottom of the heap.
You cockney skank!" Snarled Justine. I began to
shake, with impotent rage. I was on a strict warning
if I rose to the bait I would lose my job.
"Thats a horrible thing to say Justine!" Said Zoey.
"Ah shut up!" Snarled Evil-Eye.
"You can leave her alone for a start, or else I will
report YOU." I snapped:"Come on Zoey, lets refill
the counter." Zoey glared at Justine (at least she
realised what Justine was like now). The rest
of the day went in a blur and the clients gave me
funny looks because of my scratches.
When I finally got home Alan was waiting for me,
he looked anxious and worried.
"This came for you." He passed me a bunch of dead
and decaying roses. They had a note attached:
'Deadmeat' it said in black marker pen, how lovely!
"Ah great!" I said, so now I had a my mad Postie back.
So it had to be Estelle, did'nt it?

Friday, April 23, 2004

And so to Work!

To completely ruin my day, when I returned
from shopping with Alan, who was still quite
angry with me, I found a message on my
answerphone saying that I was to come
back to work on friday. Deep joy and ruination.
Spent the evening pacing up and down and
smoking like a demon.
"You really need therapy." Said Alan in waspish
I ignored him and went for a ride on my brand
new Vespa who I have nicknamed Bloom after
Orlando. When I calmed down Alan was out, he
had'nt even left me a note to say where he was
going. Went to sleep and when I woke up he
was cooking breakfast, bacon and mushrooms.
"Peace offering." He said and smiled at me.
I took a swig of orange juice out of the carton
and saw him frown.
"There are glasses for that sort of thing you know."
"Not as much fun and it tastes better this way."
"Whatever." He was obviously in a placating
mood. Gave me a lovely kiss before I left for
work, wondered how long he would stay as
my 'postie' seemed to have finished with me.
Think I will miss him, but no excuse to keep
a house guest and he was'nt really my
boyfriend. Just a friend I liked to shag.

At work Justine flinched when she saw me.
"You keep away from me, I've already spoken to
my Lawyer." She warned her eyes flashing
and showing a lot of white, rather like a cow
"A lawyer?" I raised my eyebrows:"Needed one
before have you?"
"Your impossible." She muttered.
"No, but luckily my mails stopped. So that must
be a result hey?"
"I really don't know what you are talking about."
"Ditto baby." I smiled at her and left her to stew in
her juices. Apart from some serious eyeballing
we managed to co-exist for the entire day.
I enjoyed myself , it was good to be back
and of course I have my birthday celebration
tonight with the girls to look forwards too.
Life was looking up!
Becka XXX (kisses for Alan)

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Lost in Waitrose

It had to happen, sooner or later we went
shopping together. Not a good move and
the cause of an epic row.
I stuffed our shopping trolley with, bagels, cheese,
chocolate, icecream, popcorn the usual. Alan
chose real food, scary stuff, like fresh pasta,
meat, vegetables. I ignored his idiotic choices
"Oh this chardonnay is superb." Looking very
pleased with himself (as if he'd pressed the grapes
himself) and thoughrily irritating me.
"Don't talk like that, you sound like a ponce."
I muttered.
"Excuse me?" He frowned at me and stopped
in the aisle.
"And don't stop! You never stop in a supermarket,
you have to keep moving! We'll run into old folk
and fat people with two trolleys!"
"Shopping for food is meant to be fun, whats
wrong with you?" He demanded, still standing still.
"I'll wait for you at the fucking till." I snapped.
"Whoah! Whats with the bad language? This is
meant to be pleasent." Alan did look hurt and
confused (I have this effect on most people).
"Look, these places give me the creeps, I
just grab and go, whats wrong with that?"
"You have'nt bought anything edible, it's all
"It might be to you sonny Jim, can we please
By the time I'd walked around I was fit
to have a hissy attack. Then we had to queue.
"Patience is a virtue. My dear."
"I'll wait outside, I'll be having a fag? You have
enough money?"
"Humph." he said and sulkily began to unload.

Still on a brighter note no more postie stuff

Wednesday, April 21, 2004


I used to love Animal in the Muppets when I
was a child. He seemed to be the only one
with any sense of the theory 'fun for fun's sake'.
And he drummed a mean beat.
In fact he was alive and a kicking and working
his groove-thang on my grey matter .
All other hangovers are pussies compared to
this one. This one was nasty, this one was the
grudge 'over, the Daddy.
Alan said:" You should know better at your age."
Did'nt help at all.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


As my birthday post hit my door mat, Alan
scampered off to get them like a well trained
"Oh my God!" I heard him groan. He was carrying
some cards and a small package, he looked very
"This one is addressed to 'The Filthiest Person Alive'
it must be from your stalker." He warned.
"Nah, I think I know what it is, go on, open it."
I urged.
He opened up a small box to reveal a:
"It's a piece of poo!" He said in disgust and looked
at me as I dissolved into laughter.
"Nope. Your not meant to say that, the correct
response would be 'It's a turd Mama! A turd!"
"What are you talking about?" Alan looked at me
(not for the first time) like I had lost all my marbles.
"It's from the girlies, they send it every year. It's
traditional. It's actually a scene from a John Walter's
movie 'Pink Flamingo's' with Divine, oh don't worry,
it's plastic."
"Sometimes I think this is all some weird trip."
"Heavy shit Maaannnn." I opened the cards, Sister-
thing, Mum, the girlies. The usual but:
"I don't see one from you." I said and pouted.
"I've something else instead, here, let me blindfold
"Hey heh! I like the sound of that." I enthused.
"Down girl!" He wrapped my eyes with a scarf and
led me outside, I knew this because it was cold
and loud. Then we stopped. He unwrapped my eyes.
"Hope you like them." He said shyly. I bloody well
did! Not one, but two Vespas sat in my alley-way.
My beloved Aunt Pat's lovingly restored, the
other a brand new model!
"I don't know what to say!" I said crying.
"Your happy though?" Alan said earnestly, I kissed
him hard on his cold mouth.
"This is fantastic! It makes up for the SS Guard and
the Singing Hitler!"
Back in our warm and now used bed, I told him
about birthdays past.
"Years ago Ruth and Alex found out that I share my
birthdate with Hitler. For my sixteenth birthday they
brought to school a black and red decorated cake with
swastikas ! The teachers thought I was a facist
and I got sent home! For my eighteenth, Alex and
Ruth dressed as SS Guard and insisted I wear a
moustache! We got chased by some skinheads in
Islington as they thought we were taking the piss
as Alex is mixed race! Later that day we got chased
by jamacian youths for the same reason. Oh and
the singing stripogram Hitler for my twenty first!
Oh he was so gross, he stood in the middle of the pub
ranting and then I had to kiss him! (Decoram stopped me
telling Alan which part I kissed). My thirtieth was
worse, they dressed as leather clad Gestapo and
took me to a fetish place!"
"Poor baby!" Smooshed Alan and stroked my hair.
"You don't look at all like Hitler. He was a looker!"
I punched him lightly on the arm.
"Thanks for the bikes! Two of them, oh how I
wish I had two arses!"
"No comment."
"Honestly though, thanks, they really are the
best present I've ever recieved."
"Even more then a plastic turd?"
"Even more then that, thank you."
So the girlies will arrive tonight for a drink
and we will celebrate properly on friday night.
Becka (34, gorgeous and a two bike family)

Monday, April 19, 2004

The Day before The Day

Call it pre-birthday jitters, but every 19th of April I
turn into the worst bitch-queen from hell. I am
turning 34 tomorrow (I don't feel it) I hate the
whole idea of being thirty-something. Deep inside
I stopped at around 26 and that is me- Becka,
nothing else changes it just gets older and greyer.
"Oh what a little ray of sunshine you are." Mocked
"Just wait until you are in your forties!" He
"It's different for men!" I snapped;"And anyway
compared to you, I am young!"
"Age does'nt mean anything." He said stoically, I
wanted to smash him in the face for being so silly!
"So your telling me that you would have dated me
if I'd been in my fifties?" I snarled my best snarl.
"Yes! You are Becka Martin, if you were 60+ I'd still
like you." He smiled at me, I scowled, he was trying
that slushy love stuff on me again.
"I believe you!" I said to show that I did'nt.
"It's true."
"But if I was 60 would you still shag me?"
"I would, but maybe not so frantically as it might
not be so good for your pace-maker."
"Ha bloody ha." I grabbed my jacket and went off
to have a quiet drink at The Twisted Gut.
Big Shirl was sympathetic.
"Terrible for a woman, aging." She agreed (of
course she was exempt as she was infact a
cloven hooved goddess).
"Tell me about it!" I sipped my lager belligerantly.
"Could be worse." She added:"I was a grandma at
your age."
"Oh I feel so much better now!" Honestly people
never understand how I feel. Last year Ruth sent
me a box of Tenaladies (Incontinence pads) through
the post! Speaking of post, my mad postie has'nt
done anything lately. Maybe they've moved on, or
it was mistaken identity, who knows? Anyway
B-day tomorrow and usually I do cheer up on the
20th on account I'm really shallow and like prezzies!
Becka (Still 33 if I die tonight)Martin

Sunday, April 18, 2004


I once read somewhere that you might forget
the last time you slept with someone-but you
would always remember the first. This is so
true, I cannot believe that I have actually
slept with Alan and liked it! The first time was
a bit frantic and did'nt last long, then Alan
came into his own, so to speak! After about
the fourth time (I was getting worried by now)
I asked him:
"Tell me Al, are you very good at sex or have
you just not had any for a very long time?"
He made a rueful face.
"Well a bit of both really, I have'nt had sex
for, lets see, getting on for about two years."
"No way! I can manage a couple of months,
then I just have to go out an get someone. "
I really was shocked, how did he cope?
"I'm not like that, I only want to have sex with
people I have feelings for." He looked at me with
his piercing dark eyes.
"No Alan, I don't want to hear any love-stuff now,
I'm not that kind of girl." I warned.
"Well, maybe not today but I really need
to get a few things off my chest!"
"So do I! Get off (he was on top of me at the
time) I want to be the daddy! I'm going to ride
you like a horse boy!"
" Such sweet love murmurings." He grumbled,
but he had a funny little half smile.
Physically we are similar, long, gangly and thin,
I bet a whole bunch of money that I would
have bruises on my hip bones tomorrow. But it
was worth it. I don't know how I feel about
Alan, he's definately is sexier then I first thought,
but boyfriend material? Who knows, I just knew
that I was enjoying him . And that was enough for

Saturday, April 17, 2004


Spent most of this morning sulking in bed.
Alan brought me a coffee but I told him to
pee off. At around 4pm a knock at the door
sounded, I ignored it, then I could hear voices
in the hall. Alan had let some bugger in!
I stomped out of bed with my hair in sweaty
twists, marched into the hall to be exposed
to two giggling little girls. Zoey my saturday
girl and a young friend.
"Hello Zoey, what are you doing here? Who's
your friend?" I scratched my disheveled head.
"Hi Becka! This is my friend Laura, she's 15!
I came here because everyone at work is
talking about you, they said that you tried to
kill Justine, is that true?"
"No! 'Course not! I just tried to liberate her
head from her shoulders, thats all."
Alan snorted behind me in contempt, he was
rather disgusted with me at the moment.
"How did you do? Did anyone look after you?"
I asked her.
"Mrs Reeve from 'Hats' covered for you, she's
horrible and old." Said Zoey pulling a face.
"Yes she is an old bat." I admitted. Alan shook
his head angrily.
"Becka! What an example you are to youngsters
if you call a colleague an 'old bat' very unprofessional!"
"Is that your Dad?" Whispered Zoey just loud
enough for Alan to hear her.
"Yes, yes he is!" I said to get my own back on him.
Alan turned furiously on me.
"No I'm not her bloody father although I admit
I feel like it as she acts so childishly. I'm Alan,
her friend." He shook both surprized girls hands
rapidly and then left us to it as she stomped around
my kitchen.
"Why did you say he was your Dad?" Asked Laura.
"Because I thought you two would laugh if I said he
was my fella." I admitted, imagine acting so
sheepish in front of teenagers!
"Thats silly Becka, he's not that bad! A bit odd
though, nice hair. Well as long as you are alright
we're be going. Will you be back next saturday?"
Said Zoey.
"Hope so, my suspension should be over
by then." I grinned at them and thanked them
for coming, I gave them a couple of cans of coke
for the journey home and a suicide bag of McCoy's
crisps. They looked so young and fresh, I felt like
a jaded old bat myself.
Alan was rather huffy after they left.
"I heard you! 'Because you would laugh if I said he
was my fella!' How sweetly nauseating! I like you
Becka, I can put up with your insanity, but I don't
like you taking the piss out of me ok? If you want
I can leave, no biggie, nothing else has happened
has it?" This was from the guy gagging to stay and
protect me.
"I'm sorry. I always fuck it up. Go if you want to."
"I want to stay." He said petulently, he placed a
hand against my face.
"But please do something with your hair it's
"Cheek!" I punched him in the arm, then we
started to wrestle. We were both out of breath
and panting by the end of the fight. The we
were panting for other reasons!
"Becka!" He moaned.
"Come on then, show me what your made of."
And he did.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Much ado about Muffin'

Am I the only girl in the world who has
it this hard? I have been suspended from
work! I have to wait for them to contact me
before I can show my face on the premises
again! This is all Justine's fault, well maybe
mine a little.
I had to wait until my lunch time to find her
scarfing down a really nice chocolate muffin.
"Taste nice does it?" I said thrusting my face
as close to hers as I could get it. I could practically
inhale her cake crumbs.
"It was nice, but now there is a bad stink in the air."
Justine smiled to reveal little chocolatey teeth.
I growled at her, caught her up by the throat
and showed her Mr Locust.
"Have you seen this insect before?" I demanded
practically stuffing it up her nose.
"No and I never want to see it again! Get away from
me you damned freak!"
"So you did'nt pour about a hundred of these little
fellows through my letter box then?"
"Your scaring me! Help! Help! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
"Sssh already!" I tried to hush her up by putting
my hand over her mouth. Unfortunately it was the
hand clutching the locust. She fell lifelessly to the
floor, ah gawd, everyone was looking at me!
"Becka Martin report to the Managers office!"
Sounded the tannoy, the first aiders looked after
Justine who was already coming around from
her swoon. I felt like walking on her face, especially
when she grinned at me and winked!
I explained the situation to Mr Mulville, the Manager.
He nodded away at me and made sympathetic
noises every now and then. But he sent me home.
Everyone thinks I'm nuts now and I might even be
out of a job. Justine has threatened to get the police
involved. Ho hum.
Becka (how do I tell sister-thing?)Martin

Thursday, April 15, 2004


Talk about the plagues of old, when I woke up
this morning was dismayed to find a locust sitting
on my cheek!
"Get up quickly!" Hissed Alan, he was charging around
in his boxers (again) he had covered his face with
a t-shirt and looked demented. I hit him.
"Oi! Whats that for?" He demanded.
"You woke me up to this madness!" Someone had
obviously been giving me midnight post again.
"There's something you should see." He covered my
mouth with his hand, a swarm of locusts were
covering the walls of my hall.
"Why me?" I wailed (not for the first time).
"Look get dressed and I'll get something to
spray them with." He stroked my cheek.
"Thanks, what would I do without you?"
"No I should say thanks, without you I would
have to write, I'm much too busy for that now!" He
smiled cheerily, I fought the urge to hit him again.
"Thanks a bunch." What a bogus honour.
So I left him to deal with the creepies and readied
myself for the morning train ordeal.
I found a dead bug on the carpet and put it in
my pocket for later. I would use it to interrogate
For now Becka

Wednesday, April 14, 2004


From looking at Justine as a figure of fun
and derision, I now find myself wary of her. Was
she the one? The nutty one who is stalking me in
a serial killer kind of way? So you can imagine how
odd the last couple of days at work have been.
Blonde. All I have to go on a hair colour.
Not going to work is it? I needed evidence and fast.
So when it was lunch time I plopped myself
down next to her much to her chargin.
"Yes? Can I help you?" Justine said smarmily.
"Well I do hope so Justine, tell me, what have you
been up to lately?" I tried to keep keep my tone
even. My heart was pounding though.
"Is that any of your business?" Was her curt reply.
"What do you think of, fish, bleach, trashing Vespas
and breaking windows?"
"What kind of drugs are you on exactly?" She stood
up and looked at me sadly. "Poor old Becka, your
going to be sitting in a corner dribbling in a few years
time! Complete mental breakdown at your age, so
sad. So pathetic!" I itched to slap her.
"Well maybe, but at least I don't try to scare people
to death! That fish really stank!"
"I really don't know what you are talking about!
I think I'd better speak to the management again.
You really are losing the plot. Fancy coming to work
stoned." She shook her head and tutted.
"I'm not! I never touch drugs!" I yelped.
"Yeah right!" Off she trotted like the worlds worst
I sat stirring my latte, so maybe it was'nt her, she
did'nt seem to have any reaction at all (other then
the anticipated one). So maybe I would have to
see what old Estelle- face was up to.
Alan is still sleeping on my couch, it's a bit like
having a really clean tramp living with me. Still
have'nt shagged him, I told him we were star-crossed,
but he just said not to be so silly.
Justine did complain about me again this time she
said that I was a drugged up bitch-slut who is
harassing her. Can't stop staring at her, really
wished she was the one so I could get it over with.
Becka (will this end soon?) Martin
P.s Alan says he might know someone who can
salvage some of the Vespa.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Alan (boxers and all things that go bump in the night)

Last night could be put straight away in the filing
cabinet that is my brain under 'W' for weird. Alan
arrived back with his long hair stuck to his face and
a monstrous black bag of clothes.
"Are you moving in or what?"
"I've only brought a few things, books, cds and
of course the manuscript that I am working on."
Ah so he was working on something, I could tell
that he was itching for me to ask him what it was all
about. So I did'nt! Ha ha!
He had managed to snag some cigerettes, booze
and even some Kentucky. We sat snuggled up on
my bed with our feast watching 'True Romance' I
love that film, I fancy the Gary Oldman character
badly. After that we watched some Red Dwarf,
Father Ted and French kiss (ditto the fancying thing
with Kevin Kline ooh lala).
After awhile, under the influence of Prince Vladimir,
Alan did start to resemble Mr Kline. I licked my lips
and it was not the chicken I was thinking of.
"So what kind of pants have you got on Alan?"
I leered. His eyebrows shot up about six foot.
"Um, black ones, boxers."
"Lets have a look at them shall we?"
"Becka! Oh very well!" He pulled off his black jeans
to reveal his long, thin legs, nice shape! The boxers
were fine, I reached out and touched the curling
hair on his stomach. He shivered.
"Don't tease." He warned.
"Would I do that?" I took off my vest top and and
my bra.
"Their lovely, really small and pert. I wonder if
I can get them both in my mouth at the same time?"
"Well, you can try!" Which he did, at that very
second there was and explosion! No and it was'nt
us, somebody had hurled something through my
window shattering the glass everywhere.
"Fucking hell!" I yelped and shot out of bed, Alan
was already at the window.
"I saw a woman with blonde hair running!" He said.
"Alan your feet!"
He looked down, his feet were mincemeat city, blood
"I'm not good with blood." He said weakly and promptly
fainted! What a guy!
"Oh great!" I pulled on my top (I'm just not meant to have
sex with this guy, I'll just have to face it.)
"Hello? Are you alright?"
I looked outside, the girl who lived below,
Julie or Jules as she liked to be known was standing
in our little garden patch. (And she was wearing
purple pjs).
"I'm alright, lots of broken glass, my friend's
fainted and cut his feet though."
"I'm a nurse! I'll be straight up!"
Jules patched up Alan's poor feet whilst I tried to
keep his dignity preserved with a towel.
"Are you going to tell the police now?" Demanded
Alan. Who was groggy (and rather cranky) after his
I am indeed. A blonde huh?
Becka (not bested-yet) Martin

Monday, April 12, 2004


Alan arrived looking shifty and rather scruffy
mind you, he always did. He was carrying a
paper bag, I stared at it with horror, like it was
a shrink wrapped head.
"This is for you." He said and smiled proffering his
gift, when I did not take it immediately his smile
"Whats wrong with you now?"
"Question! What would you like to put through
my letter box?"
"Thats easy-my dick!" He laughed but when he saw
I meant it: "You were being serious, right? Ok in
the unlikely event that I would put anything through
your door, I would say a birthday card as that is
coming up soon. But I would'nt, because I would
(hopefully) be here to celebrate it with you. Happy
now?" He frowned at me, I took a menthol fag from
my box and lit it, oh manners:"Do you want one?"
"Nah! But those awful things inspired my gift, will
you open it now?"
I unwrapped it slowly, it was a very posh looking
Easter egg covered in bright green paper.
"It's mint."
"It's lovely, thanks Al." I kissed his cheek.
"Whats troubling you?" He ruffled my hair, I wished
I fancied him!
So I told him the whole story of the fish, the Vespa
and the bleach. Also my mistake in grabbing Miss Foote.
"I'm not happy with this at all! Come and stay with
With me at mine!"
"I'm alright, I'm a big girl now. Look I've ruled out
Jeff and you, oops sorry." His eyes darkened.
"I can understand , sort of." He conceded:" Go on."
"So it must be Justine or Estelle, there is nobody else
who hates me like that, 'cept Sister-thing but she would
never trash my bike."
"Look, I won't try it on and I'll sleep on the sofa,
can I stay?" I looked at his thin hopeful face and
"It would be a pleasure, really."
"Right! I'll just go home and grab a few things,
back soon alright?"
"I won't melt." (unlike the egg I was rapidly eating,
I placed a small piece in his mouth and watched
his eyes dilate):"You can help me eat the rest of this."
"Bloody hell Becks!" I saw that he was a bit steamed
up. " Do you want anything when I'm gone?"
"Just some fags, vodka, coke and maybe pick up
some take-away?"
"It's Easter Monday! I'll see what I can do."
He kissed me again, was I leading him on or what!

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Holy S**t!!

Using self control and alcohol I managed to
get through the evening without phoning anyone
up and whinging. Pleased with myself I awoke
early and had a quick, hot shower.
Easter Sunday and not and egg in sight, half
expected to see smashed ones in my hall though.
I was making coffee when the letter box rattled,
I saw something slip through, paper,
probably a death threat. I tore the door open.
"Get back to Hell You Bastard ! Ooh sorry Miss Foote!
I did'nt realise it was you! Are you ok?"
In my lunatic state I had snatched the door open on
my elderly neighbour Miss Foote, eighty-two and still
a Jehovah's Witness. She was shaking like a leaf.
"Oh my chest!" She held her little dried hands
against her bosom and panted deeply. I hoped she
was'nt going to expire on me.
" Please come in and have some coffee,
I am so ashamed." I ushered her in, after two cups
of coffee, 3 Maryland cookies and a 20 minute talk
about Watch Tower, she was ok.
"You know Becka, you are a firebrand! Just what
our church needs, would you consider joing us?"
She looked so hopeful and sweet. Not that sweet
"Uh no, not yet. Maybe in a couple of years (when I've
moved and you've forgotten all about me) I'll, uh,
keep you posted."
"Don't you think you should really go to the police dear?
I mean, you are a nervous wreck." This made my eyes
well up for a moment. It's all very well being single and
tough, but sometimes, when things go wrong you
can feel very alone.
"I will Miss Foote, I promise if anything else happens,
Then I will definately call the police."
Spent most of the day hanging about in my tracksuit,
I looked a right state with my tufty hair. Tried to
eat my weight in biscuits and ice-cream but it did'nt
make me feel any better. Found the paper that Miss
Foote had put through. It said ' Darkness is Coming,
Listen to Him.' This for some reason made me feel
quite cold. I phoned Alan up.
"Can you come round?"
"Not another dubious offer of sex is it?"
"Nope, just company. Please?"
He agreed to it, then a thought hit me, say he
really was 'The One'? not the mythical one, but
the psycho? And I had just invited him in, like a
vampire! I'll have to think of something! Quickly!!

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Not Jeff

Finally had to phone Jeff, notice how I am
calling him by his proper name now? Very
worrying. Anyway the bottom (and scary)
line is he did'nt do any of it, the Vespa or
the fish through the letter box. He was
quite upset that I would even think it.
"Hey! What am I supposed to thinK? I have
a lunatic swearing and pulling up bushes
then my bike gets trashed." I said.
"Alright, I admit that if I'd thought of it then I
might have trashed the bike. The fish thing,
no, how disgusting! Maybe you've got a stalker,
maybe it's Alan."
"Ok Jeff, enough, sod off then."
It conspires that he is happier now on account that
Estelle is back, blonder and perkier then ever.
But who was doing all these lousy things? I hated
it when he said Alan, because maybe it was him.
I know, I know! He's a nice guy, but he's still quite
new to my life and I still don't know if I can trust him.
Today was deep joy travelling on the tube to
work armed with my portfolio for Zoey to look at.
"Oh my god your hairs so pretty!" She gushed.
"Mmm, like it a big longer myself, but thanks. Here's
my old college stuff, thought it might help you with
"This is fantastic!" She looked through the pages,
I had to admit they looked very dated now, all those
eighties shots of models, but it was still pretty
"You can take it home if you like! See this girl here?
That's Alex, one of my best friends. Christ, she looks
about twelve in that photo!" Realistically she was about
"She's lovely! Do you think that I could look like that when
I get older?" Zoey looked at me hopefully, I looked at
her critically. What could I say? She was pretty but quite
short. Alex was short for a model but she was 5''7!
"I think so, you will have to have the odd early night
and drink lots of water. Not to mention never eating.
You don't want to be a model do you?"
"No! Besides, I'm much too short! Maybe you can
introduce me to your friend sometime?"
"No problem at all. Come on lets look at some colours."
To her credit she worked hard and knew her stuff.
But like a magnet she was drawn again and again to
pink. At least she was refraining from painting the
customers in it.
"Zoey! You will put Barbara Cartland to shame with
this pink fixation! Where does it come from I wonder?"
"I don't know, I've just always liked pink, it makes me
feel happy! It's pretty and fresh, I me feel cute and girly
when I wear it."
"I've never felt cute and girly!" I looked over at Justine,
she was so perfectly a woman, yes there are loads of
variations, I'm not being judgmental. But for looks and
attitude Justine was definately feminine. Dainty. Not a
lumberjack like myself. Pity she was'nt nicer.
"You do come across a bit tough, but you are beautiful
Becka! I bet you look lovely all dressed up!"
"Yeah I do. I just feel like I am in drag!"
We both laughed at this.
Spent an enjoyable morning with Zoey, just talking about
college etc. It was'nt until I got home that I realised
something else had been poured through my letter
box, this time it was bleach! I decided against telling
anyone, they would only worry.
Hell I'm worrying enough!
Wonder if I should phone Jeff again?

Friday, April 09, 2004


Woke up to the smell of fish, not nice, sniffed
under the bedsheets. Was'nt me. Got up and
remembered my Vespa, felt sad again. Noticed
the smell of fish was rank and over-powering.
Followed the smell to the hall, either my postman
has gone nuts or somebody has poured a rotten
can of pilchards through my letter box. Could'nt
be postie, too early. But fish? Yuck.
I scratched my head, I know he trashed my scooter,
but I could'nt imagine Jeff doing anything so lame.
Decided to go to work, after all most people have
to brave the perverts on the tube. I was never going
to be able to afford a 1960's Vespa and even if I
did, it would'nt be like my aunt Pat's. Spiked my hair
into interesting little twists, I looked cute and funky.
But it was'nt my hair wished it would grow quicker!
Good Friday, oh gawd Fish on Friday! Someone
has a sick sense of humour. Maybe it was just
kids (bad ones with those baggy trousers no doubt).
But my gut feeling was ominous . I would have to
phone Jeff later jsut to rule him out, I just hoped
that he would'nt turn up in a rage again. Maybe I
would ask Alan to stay with me at least that way I
will be safe. Fancy being frightened of a fishy mess,
nearly gagged cleaning it up though. Most shops are
closed today, but we are open (of course) felt
very belligerant on the train.
Could it be Jeff? He might be a shit, nah can't
see it.
Becka (warily)Martin

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Vesp In Piece (s)

Well I suppose I should have half expected
something to happen. Shit always does. Jeff
was not a happy easter bunny, he turned up last
night screaming and shouting .
"Becka! You bitch! Come down here now!" He
kicked and slammed himself against my door.
Not surprisingly I did'nt want any of it! I opened
my window.
"Jeff whats wrong? Can you keep it down please,
it's nightime, people are sleeping."
"I don't give a damn!" He punched the door this time:
"Estelles dumped me you bitch! Could'nt keep your
big mouth shut could you?"
"Nothing to do with me honey." Which was the truth
as it was Alex who that spilled the beans.
"Liar! Come down here!" His face was red and ugly,
I expected that he had been drinking.
"No thanks! I might be mad, but I'm not a nutter,
your'll hit me or something."
"Too right! Ok what can I destroy?" He pulled up
a bush from my front garden (did'nt belong to me
as it was owned by the flat downstairs) and he tore
it to shreds getting covered in earth in the proccess.
"Stop that! You are acting like a freak!" I began to
think that I should call the police. The he grinned
"You wait!" He leered at me and went off into the
night. I was un-nerved. I called sister-thing.
"Call the police anyway." She said.
"I don't want them knowing my business."
"What have you done then? Look I'm not happy
about this, give me a mo and I'll be round."
"Ok." I said breathing heavily, this was not good.
In about half an hour Raine arrived.
"Bloody hell Becks! You did'nt tell me about the Vespa!
That's half mine you know!"
"What?" I followed her out to the alley where I was
parked. Shit-on-a-stick. My beloved moped was scattered
and wrecked. Looked like he'd hit it with an axe.
"Did'nt you hear anything?"
"Nah I put the Scissor Sisters on really loudly."
We looked at eachother and I started to cry.
"It's not so bad. We have the power to rebuild it.
It will be better, faster and stronger. Come on
lets get some coffee."

So that was last night, I did'nt call the police though,
but I would get even alright. I am heartbroken, this
is like the biggest loss for me to dat. My Aunt Pat's
1960's vespa trashed. I hate him.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Handbags at dawn

Well curl my lip! Just when I thought my life could
only get better it gets-interesting! I met the lovely
Alex at The Twisted Gut last night, she'd arrived
before me looking very like Beyonce. Bitch.
She smiled ruefully at me:
"Come on razor-head tell me all about it!" I fell into
her arms, but laughing though.
"Alex why are you not with Sean? Time is precious
for you." Because he is leaving and I felt guilty.
" Because you needed me, anyway he will meet us
here in about an hour! Best of both worlds!"
We chinked glassed (she had bought me a brandy and
"Well your hair is nice." She looked amazed: You know
it's taken years off you! But grow it back eh? I like
you better with hair."
"I like 'me' better with hair! God did Ruth tell you
everything? Sex with The Shit? Me bumming Alan out?"
"Yeah, tragic stuff. I can understand the sex stuff, Jeff
was a definate hot bod (for a deviant). But poor Alan,
you know he's a really nice guy, you can't see that can
you? You want a guy to trash you and treat you like
"I might be a masochist where Jeff is concerned, but
only with him, I'd never let anyone else treat me so
"Listen to yourself! Nobody has the right to cause so
much hurt in your life. Nobody, not even me!"
We grinned at eachother (silly innit?) honestly I really
wish I was a guy or visa versa, Alex and Ruth are
top girls, I could do much worse. But my Gay-dar
never went off, not even briefly in my youth, sadly
and I do mean sadly, I'm straighter then a stick of
"Is'nt that Justine?" Said Alex, I turned to look and
was dismayed to see Estelle with her. They both
looked blonde, fluffy and lethal. When they saw me
they began to buzz like angry bees.
"How dare you show your face!" This was Estelle! I
don't know her well enough for her to insult me!
"This is my local, pee-off!" I said and turned to look
at Alex who looked really nervy.
"Do you know this skank phoned Jeff up in the middle
of the night?" Said Estelle to Justine who looked so
horrified I might as just as well have eaten a baby or
"Was that before or after you shagged him?" Asked
Mrs Big-Mouth Alex. Estelle screeched and made a
grab for my face with her long nails, Justine and Alex
being of the cowardly persuasion shrank into the
background. I hooked one of my legs around Estelle's
leg and with a quick slip of the hip, she was on her arse.
Thank you judo.
"These girls bothering you Becks?" Said Shirl who would
have been rolling up her sleeves (if she had any).
"As a matter of fact, they are."
"Enough said. Come on, you two OUT!" You did not
mess with Shirley, she could throw a drunk out with
one hand while changing a barrel with the other.
"It's her! The slag! She started it! She's been with
my man!" Spluttered Estelle, look rather worse for
wear from her arse-fall.
"Do you mean by any chance Jeff?" Said Shirl with
her hands on her hips.
"Yes I do!"
"Well I'll tell you lady (funny how she could make lady
sound like ' slut') Jeff has been her bloke for many
years. But she's well shot of him, go on get out!"
Shirley was like a locomotive she did'nt stop and if
she made contact-she hurt you.
Justine gave me a hate-filled glare, oh joy I would
have to work with her tomorrow! Then they were
gone, hurled into the night sky .
Alex nodded her thanks at Shirl then we burst out
We got steadily more drunk until Sean turned up
with surprize, surprize, Alan.
I had a bad moment of guilt when I realised I was
relieved that the blonde gits had'nt seen Alan. I
was not ashamed (much) of him, it's just Sean is so
pretty and so is Jeff! I could imagine what Justine
would have made of Alan. 'Oh my god he's so old!
Finally realised you are a loser Becka?'
We had a really nice time, the four of us, I wished
I could be the girl Alan wanted me to be. Someone
nice, someone sane. I could'nt. I have a bitch-
machine buried in my heart.
Then I felt guilty some more, especially when he
bought me drinks and later on, some chips.
You can imagine what work was like today, Justine
giving me the Medusa treatment, but for once she
kept her mouth shut. Good I might even like her that
way. Nah.
Becka (biggest baddest)Martin

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Saint Ruth (saviour of the fuckwits)

Justine practically pissed her pants laughing
when she saw my hair.
"What exactly are you supposed to be? Friar Tuck!"
"Shut up! Don't even attempt to talk to me today,
you have been warned Justine." I said sourly.
Everyone was looking at me and for once I was not
being vain or paronoid. They were looking because I
looked like a big freak with bad hair and red eyes
(from crying). Justine retreated to her counter with an
evil little smile dancing on her lips. Oh how I hated
her! For me she was now the embodiment of
everything that was wrong in my life.
Alan had stayed all of sunday night (don't get any
cosy ideas 'cos it did'nt happen). I don't think it
ever will now, we've gone past the' might shag' stage.
But at least he is still my friend and a bloody good one.
Spent the whole day with Justine giggling ,talking to
customers and pointing at my hair.
So I was not a happy girl.
When I returned home Alan and Ruth were
sitting smoking on my doorstep. Alan never seems
to actually write anything (I probably write more) but
who am I to judge?
I ushered them in morosely.
"Heres a present thought it might cheer you up."
Said Alan and passed me a wrapped CD.
"Thanks." I opened it, ScissorSisters:"You bastard!
Ha bloody ha!"
Ruth and Alan laughed at me. Great sense of humour.
"No it's quite good, you will like it." Said Alan.
"Lets have a look at the hair then. What a fucking
mess." Ruth shook her head sadly, then sharply at
Alan: "What made you think you could cut hair anyway?"
"Well I just tried to help."
"It looks like she's had her head in a food blender.
You, sit down and shut your trap." This was to me,
I sat while she cut rapidly.
"Are'nt you going to wash it first?" I asked.
"No. Why should I? You obviously don't care about
yourself! No, I want to cut it dry first, then wash it and
give it some texture, sorry Becka but you are going to
have very short hair."
I sat grimly while Ruth trimmed away, she washed
my hair without letting me see it. Then she trimmed
and blow dried it while adding a handful of some sort
of gunk that I never had the need for before (when I had
hair). The drying was over very quickly, normally my
hair would take hours to get properly dry.
"Ok best I could do. You can look now." Said Ruthie.
"Lovely, really nice." Alan nodded at me earnestly.
Slowly I looked in the mirror. I was practically a man!
No, but it was very short like the 1960's Vidal Sassoon
crop (like Ruth had herself).
"You look like Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles." Said Alan.
I did'nt. But it was a good look, my jaw line looked
sharp and pretty and my eyes looked larger. Maybe
it was'nt such a disaster after all.
"Thanks babe." I kissed Ruth and shed another tear or
"Silly old tart." Said Ruth.
We spent the evening the three of us eating chinese
and playing Risk (which was apt because I'm sure my
friends thought I was at risk or something). It was
good, I wished Alex was there but she was spending
every moment possible with Sean before he leaves.
Which I could understand all too well.
Today when I got to work Justine peered at me,
at least her smile was gone, she could'nt actively
laugh at my hair because it was perfect.
"You look like the biggest Dyke in the world."
"I still would'nt fancy you Thrush- Breath."
"How juvenile." She walked off with her tip-tilted nose
stuck high in the air, oh how I wished she would fall
flat on her face!
"Am I juvenile because I called you Thrush-breath?
Or because I would'nt fancy you even if I was gay?"
I asked.
"You are a cunt!" It's funny the way she said it
sounded very posh and clipped, if I'd said it people
would faint and call me a brazen fish-wife.
"Well what does that make you then?"
"A better person then yourself! You disgust me!"
She really left this time, I could easily, given my
height and madness have put her in the hospital.
But I was a bit taken aback, she was disgusted by me,
what ever had I done to her to deserve that?

I mulled this over, Alex texted me.
'Heard about bad hair, will call round tonight.'
How could I ever be depressed with such good
Becka (getting better)

Monday, April 05, 2004

Devils Haircut.

Frig. I have ruined my life totally, this is not a
drill. Ok here goes my confessional blog, we arrived
back to my home and ate the dubious chilli sister-thing
had cooked (the Martin sisters are not known for their
cooking) and dranks some lovely lemon vodkas. For
the first time I began to see Alan as a man, I mean a man
that I might consider shagging. He was funny!( In a good
way) He seemed to like being with me.
We settled ourselves on the sofa, I'd even taken off my
boots when the doorbell rang.
"I'd better answer that." I said ruefully. Wished I had'nt
though for standing there looking devillishly attractive
was The Shit.
"What do you want?" I demanded .
He smiled that bleached teeth sexy smile of his
and I knew then and there what he wanted from me.
"I've made a big mistake Becks, I should never have
left the other night."
"Too right! I mean it does'nt do much for a girl's ego
when the guy can't even keep it up for her." I whispered
harshly (obviously I did'nt want half the street and Alan
to hear me).
"Well it's up now." He pointed to his bulging trousers.
"Wow." I mumbled.
"Alright Becka?" Said Alan leaning over my shoulder like
a giant parrot making me jump.
"Yeah it's cool, this is Jeff. Jeff this is Alan."
Jeff looked at Alan then at myself.
"Please don't tell me he's your boyfriend!" He said
incredulously. Alan looked sharply at me, I could feel
his eyes burning with anger.
"Um Alan, Alan is my friend." I said finally.
"Thanks a fucking bunch!" Said Alan, he grabbed his
coat and pushed past me. Jeff grinning like a bastard.
"Thought he could'nt be a beau. You could do so
much better." Like himself .
I saw Alan wince. I should have stopped it then but:
"Alan..." I said helplessly.
"Yeah, yeah." He said and stormed off into the night.
"Now where were we?" Said Jeff silkily and carried me
off into the bedroom. I felt bad about Alan, but
only for a second as I was much too busy after that.
It was violent man! Mad, crazy eat eachother up sex!
He held me up against the wall and rutted into me, my
head knocked a photo of my Aunt Pat it crashed to the
floor. I should have seen it as an omen.
"You are a filthy little bitch and you love rough sex!
Say it whore!"
I started to giggle but complied as it was so funny.
"I'm a filthy bitch and I love rough sex! Fuck me
harder!" Which he did making me dizzy.
"Aaaaaaaah!" It was the best, after my spell in
the desert this was like water from Perrier!
We did it doggystyle with him smacking my bum
between thrusts. Then we had a shower and finally
managed to do it in bed. That was nice, loving and
We lay there afterwards smiling at eachother like
kids (I mean big ones 16 upwards ok?) just enjoying
the afterglow.
"I've really really missed you." I admitted.
"I know. It showed." He nibbled my ear.
"So what next?" I asked.
"You want to go again you hot bitch!"
"Well yeah I do, but whats happening here? Are we
back together or what?" I bit my finger nail nervously.
He stroked my hair.
"I love your hair you know, its so soft and silky.
Estelle's looks nice, but it feels like cotton wool,
I like to feel this against my skin." He picked up a strand
and rolled it between his fingers:" We can do this
as often as you want, whenever you want. But I'm
marrying Estelle, she is my future."
"Your joking!" I said shocked and really hoping he
would turn around and say 'Yeah gotcha!' But he
"You can't help who you love Becks."
"You don't love her! How can you when you are doing
this to me, fucking me! You are a shit, I hate you!"
I was crying like a ninny by now, I felt dirty and not
in a good way. I felt used, cheap and nasty.
"Please don't cry Becks! I'll come and see you tomorrow."
He said earnestly.
"No don't! If you want to come back fine, maybe, but
you can't do this to me! I've been so lonely! This is
cruel, just go yeah?"
"I do love you you know."
"What a funny way to show it."
When he left I kind of had a brainstorm, I tore the
sheets from the bed and knocked books and cds from
shelves. Then I did something that women don't do.
Well at least sane ones don't. I grabbed a great hank
of my hair up and cut it off with the kitchen scissors!
Then I looked in the mirror and realised what I had
done to myself. My hair fell past my shoulders, but the
the hank I had cut out rested against my cheekbone
looking odd and moronic. I started to shake.
I cut somemore, not good. Worse.
Then the doorbell sounded. Aghast I grabbed a towel
to cover my hatchet job. It was Alan! I grabbed him
by his coat and heaved him in.
"I came because I left my mobile." He looked at me
and something about my mania must have registered
with him. He took in the chaos that was my flat.
"What did that bastard do to you?"
I felt guilty, I'm sure that Alan thought that I had been
raped or something.
"He left me!" I burst into tears and collapsed rather
pathetically to the floor. Alan pulled me up and got me
to the sofa, my towel fell off, he saw my hair.
"What the fuck? Did he do this to you?"
I shook my head:"Nah I did it."
"Why?" He stroked my face and grabbing some kleenex
from his pocket mopped up my tears and snot.
"I did it because I hate myself! I thought he had come
back! He was my love....oh Alan I'm so sorry for what
I did to you. I can't think straight anymore."
"Well we're have to do something about your hair,
you can't go to work like that, people will laugh!"
This sounded so sweet (especially from a guy with tragic
hair ) that I cried even harder.
He grabbed the scissors firmly.
"I'll tidy this up, then Ruth can put it to rights tomorrow."
He cut away , at the end I looked like Velma out of
"Sorry best I could do." He winced at me:"It does
look awful though, can you not call in sick tomorrow?"

We sat in silence and ate the chocolate ice-cream.

Becka (Just call me buckethead )Martin

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Of Breasts and Hooves

Alan did phone and we arranged to meet at
my local watering hole, The Twisted Oak. We
lovingly called it The Twisted Gut on account of
the pints of snake-bite we used to drink in our salad
days. Even for a saturday night it was not exactly
busy, this was due to the barlady/manageress Shirley,
being so terrifying. Of course she was not as scary
as myself, she just looked it. She was a large lady,
around a British size 18 but wearing clothes more suited
to a size 8. Always a vest top or a balconette number
her breasts were a south London landmark. Her hair
was peroxide blonde (although her roots were black)
her huge lips were scarlett, her nails on both hands and
feet were sparkly green glitter. Although a Londoner
by heritage, her family came from the North, this was
apparent because she never wore a coat even when it
was snowing and her legs were bare even when it rained.
She wore the most ridiculously expensive sandals by
various designers including Choo and Blanhik
(If I've spelt it wrong-I'm sorry on account I can't
afford to wear them myself). They were wonderful,
so dainty it made you wonder how something
so delicate could support such a vast and extensive
weight. Her feet were calloused and horny (like hooves)
when her children were younger she used to get them
to file them for her. She was quite hurt when they rebelled
against this and Shirley usually resorted to bribery,
they were now demanding huge fees (but she said
it was worth it).
She was a star and part of my youth, I used
to think she was really old but infact she was only around
ten years older then myself.
Alan sat in the corner of the pub, looking weird and
out of place. He was so pale, with all that dark hair,
perhaps a male version of myself (without dress sense).
He was sipping a red wine, I winced as it always
reminded me of vinegar especially the stuff Big Shirl
"So now what?" He said, not a hello or how are
"What indeed? I suppose a shags out of the
His eyes twinkled dangerously.
"No I'm saving myself for your 'homecooked meal'."
"Ah homecooked, yes, but not by myself. Sister-thing
has made a chilli. I bought ice-cream. Chocolate."
"Sounds good. When are we leaving this god-forsaken
place?" he looked around and sneered at the flock
wallpaper and overflowing ash trays. I felt this to be
a personal affront.
"Hey this place is fine! Grew up here you know? Had
my first drink, first fag and first snog in this bar." I
said proudly.
"How old were you?"
"13 for the drink, 14 for the fag and 16 for the snog."
"Ah you saved the best for last."
"Not really, he'd been eating cheese and onion crisps
and he was old enough to be my father."
Alan looked shocked.
"Only joking! This name was Mickey Straw and he
was lovely. Not smelly or old he was was actually
a year younger then myself."
"Cradle snatcher."
"Mmm like them a bit older nowdays, like 20."
"You are joking?"
"Quick are'nt you?" I sipped my brandy and smiled.
"Come on, lets eat that chilli."

Did I or did'nt I? Tell you later!

Saturday, April 03, 2004


Today at work I was surprized to find a young
ethusiastic girl standing at my counter wearing
our regulation black:
"Hi I'm Zoey! I'm working here on saturdays,
I'm from The London College of Beauty."
"Yeah?" I scratched my head:"Um, nobody told
me, but thats cool, I'm Becka."
"My Buddy?"
"Your my Buddy, you show me the ropes, or rather
the strokes!" She giggled.
"Alright then." I hope.
It transpired that Zoey (sixteen, bless!) did attend
college but she was already used to applying make-up on
account that her family ran an undertakers and she
often 'beautified' the cadavers. Blimey, top
job for a young chickie!
"We sometimes have a Resident Evil at the next
counter, she could use some of your expertise."
"Justine? Oh no she's gorgeous! So pretty and blonde."
She said wistfully.
"Hmm, right lets get started."
Zoey was very good at selling the make-up with a smile
that was not too fake (unlike myself). However when
she was applying eyeshadow to a girl, I noticed that
her hand was shaking. I took over and finished the job.
"What was the problem?" I said gently.
"It was her eyes! They were freaking me out!"
"Why?" I had'nt noticed anything wrong with the girl's
peepers myself.
"They kept moving."
"That's what living people do, move, that shows there
hmm, alive."
"Very funny! But seriously, does'nt it make you nervy
going so near to someone's eye?"
"The truth is I don't think about it. I just get on and do it,
it's harder actually when they have facial hair. I find I
frown a lot and sometimes the customer notices."
All was going swimmingly until:
"Zoey, a word please?" I hated to come over all
authoritarian, but:
"That shade of pink lipstick-interesting choice."
"Oh yes! Is'nt it pretty? I just love pink!"
"Yes it is a lovely shade, pastelly, nice sheen. But
your client have you not noticed that she's black?"
"Oh but pink really is in now! All the models are wearing
it even that African model with the very short hair."
"Hmm, you have a point. Very valid, I'm glad that
you are keeping abreast of the current trends.
However your client is not a model, she is a middle-aged
lady and all I can see is the lips. Try a browny pink shade if
you must. Try to see the big picture."
I saw her little lips tremble, but she took it on the chin.
Her client did look rather relieved when the pink glop
was removed. I thought that would be the end of it
but no:
"Zoey?" Hmm.
"Another word please."
"Look, what have I done this time? The lady likes
pink!" The client this time was about seventy, very
pale and very wrinkled. Zoey had chosen a light pink
eyeshadow but unfortunately it was glittery and the
glitter was settling in the wrinkles like snow drifts.
"No glitter ok? Look next week I'll bring my portfolio
in to give you a few ideas."
"Your not mad at me?"
"Nah! You've done very well, I would have made
everyone look like an extra from 'The Rocky Horror'
when I was your age!" (Truth was I looked like one myself).
"Thats great! I really like you Becka! I've never had a
gay friend before!"
Gay? Hey!
"Hum, I not actually, strictly speaking, gay. Who told
you I was a lez-I mean gay?" As if I did'nt know already.
"Justine, she said I should watch myself, that I was
just your type. She said that saturday girls don't last very
with you."
"Well you have lasted the longest. On account that you
are the first! Bloody Justine. You go home kid,
have a nice night."
"Thank you Becka! Sorry I thought you were gay."
" S'alright."
Humph- Justine I'm watching you girl.

On the Alan front, well he was not over-joyed to
hear from me. But I did offer him a homecooked meal
tonight and a drink in my local pub. He says he will
think about it. Checked my mobile but he has'nt
phoned yet. Maybe he's left a message on my landline.


Friday, April 02, 2004

Alex (Acting like an arse)

Alex phoned me up in floods of tears, her gorgeous
boyfriend, Sean had got a small part in an American
soap. He was going Stateside! And Alex was in a state.

"But I love him! He's the best! I've never, ever, come
so hard and so often. Oh what shall I do? I can't go
with him, I need to work." She was hysterical.
"How long will he be gone?"
"How longs a piece of string! Ages, weeks, months,
oh Becks I really thought he was The One."
The Mythical 'One' like the One Ring, or the the Last
"Look I'm sure it will be alright, look how quickly time
goes at our age."
"Oh thanks a fucking bunch! Now I feel like a pensioner!
He's younger then me, remember? Whats he going to
do when he sees all those sexy babes out there?"
"You are totally over-reacting, I'm sure Sean won't look
at anyone else (as much as I could be sure) your hot
yourself you know?"
"Don't you dare patronize me Becka Martin! Ruth told me
about your Jeff episode."
"Oh she did, did she? Well it's sad and all, but really
nothing to do with you and Sean, so I can patronize
with impunity." But I will kill Ruth when I see her, Alex
will never let me live this down.
"Hmm." She murmured:"Happened to you before Becka?
I mean a man getting soft about you?"
"Sod you!" At least she was cheering up a bit.
"Oh Mr Soft!" She sang to me, I hung up on her.
My friends are evil bitch-queens with backcombed hair
and I hate them. Especially Ruth.
I dialled Alan's number and quickly hung up, what a
pussy! (Me not him).
Looked at myself hard in the mirror-did'nt like what I saw
there. A skinny, minging girl with a hatchet face and hair
like a witch. I would have to sort myself out and soon.
I need a life change and sex (I'd be going through 'The
Change'if I was not careful) Time was a ticking, phoned up
sister-thing Raine for some advice.
"I'm a mess."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"Why can't I have a nice, decent boyfriend whose
hung like a horse?"
"Because your a skank! Next question please!"
"Do you love me?"
"With all my heart!" Awww.
"You Lezza!"
"Screw you!"
"Up yours!"
There ended another sisterly chat, not epic but
certainly profound.
I shall phone Alan tonight, but it's friday, he's probably
out with normal people.
Becka (I'm alright now) MartinXXXX

Thursday, April 01, 2004

If I had a red-hot poker............

Humiliation. Total and complete humiliation.
The Shit arrived with flowers and vodka and
an outstanding erection. He was pleased to
see me, I was pleased to see him. A man and
a woman. Interlocking pieces. My lovely Donna
Karen shirt lay torn on the carpet in our passion.
How I had missed him! Then......nothing. His face
seemed strained.....his erection.....gone!
"What happened?" I demanded, he had'nt even come,
it had just gone.
"Oh Becks, I'm sorry, I started to think about Estelle
and I feel shitty. She's good you know." His voice had
a pathetic whine to it.
"I don't care what she is! Where's your dick? Come on,
lets try again!" I was angry, but we could make it
good, we always did before.
"Sorry, this is a mistake. I really am sorry Becks."
"Get the fuck out of my bed! Have'nt you even heard of
"I have'nt got a problem, it's just I'm with the wrong
girl." He smirked.
"Oh great! Just leave, yeah?" Trembling I lit a ciggie
up, my hands were shaking so much. I felt totally
rejected and ugly. At least he left the vodka.
I phoned Ruth.
"Ruthie, it's Becka, can we talk?" She must have
heard the sob in my voice. I heard her breath catch
then: "Alright, go for it."
So at least she is talking to me, first I told her about
The Shit, then I went on to say about Alan. Hoping
that she did'nt like him and that I would'nt hurt her .
"Alan's cool, he found it really funny actually. He likes
"I think I like him, but he's not exactly my type is he?"
"He's nice, he's male, he does'nt smell too bad and
he has great hair-of course he's not Jeff but thats
got to be a plus."
"Maybe, but the hair? Looks like a seventies footballer!"
"He just needs a bit of a restyle. You are lucky, wished
he'd liked me best."
What could I say to that? Bless her.
I wished I could jinx The Shit, if I was a witch then he
would never get an erection again!
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Damn right!
At least Justine would'nt know, just imagine her smiling
at me. I would have to kill her.
Not smiling-thinking Becka