THE MMM WORD

I saw the prints.
"Oh god no!" I said and looked again just incase my brain
hadn't taken in the information correctly. It had.
"Bloody hell, I look like the Child Catcher!" I wailed.
"I think you look sweet." Cooed Mal :"Like a young
Heddy Lamar, after she's had a few jars!"
Alan laughed:"I think they make you look quite
intelligent, like Barbra Streisand when she's wearing
glasses."
"But I aint wearing glasses!" I said tightly, watching the
men smirk and laugh at me. The fools.
"Well then?" Said Mal and looked at his feet.
"Indeed." Said Alan. Then they creased up. Hmm,
they were getting much too pally, I didn't think
they had any common ground. But they did have-me.
The butt of every joke and innuendo, pigs!
I'd have to have words with those twins though!
I flounced out carrying my shot-horrors.
I phoned Patrick.
"Miss you." I said.
"Shall we lunch tomorrow? Bring that man of
yours, the gloomy one."
"I'll do that, but he might put you off the food."
"I'll take the risk, need to shed a few pounds
after all." He laughed his dirty, fruity laugh.
"Not going for it are you? The PM job?"
"No! I'm much too lazy for that and I fear too
old. But never mind I've my sights set on other
pastures now." He said conspiratorially. Hmm.
I wondered just what trouble he was in, the
trouble that Mickey Straw had hinted at.
Later after Mal had left Alan sat watching
Pulp Fiction while I tried to read The Portrait
of Dorian Gray. Very apt after my photos! (Except
I was already fucked up!)
"Bruce Willis looks like your Copper friend
in this film." Said Alan. I felt my cheeks
redden, we had reached the bit when he was in
the shower.
"Oh really?" I feined disinterest.
"You know he does!" Said Alan and hit me on
the back of the head with the banana skin
he had in his hand.
"Do you mind? I'll get all that gunk in my hair!"
This seemed to be a secret signal for him to
go beserk!
He pinned me on the floor and dangled the
already minging peel onto my face.
"Yuck! Stop it!" I spluttered.
Next minute I'd grabbed the front of his shirt
and not realising my own strength had torn
it open, pfhth, went the buttons.
"Sorry." I said cheesily.
"That was a Saville Row! Come here!" Alan
tore off my brand spanking new Juicy Courture
T Shirt right down the middle!
"I'll give you bananas!" Said Alan and reached
for a fresh one. The glint in his eye was wicked.
"Don't peel it!" I warned:"Ruth had one break
inside of her once."
"Lovely, now open wide for the dentist man!"
He eased the fruit gently inside of me, the skin
felt very cold, that alone was a huge turn on.
With one hand he worked the banana gently,
this was not rape by fruit but seduction, he
gently parted my hoo-ha with his other hand
and caress the sodden folds.
"Ahhh." I'm too easy, wish I could hold back
more, his tongue lapped at my edges like
a cat drinking milk:"Mmm, nice." I murmured.
"Manage two?" He said and for a horrible moment
I though he was going to shove one up my arse!
But no, he meant his own, personal banana.
This fitted very well into my ready lips.
"I fucking love you!" He said in a mock chav voice.
When he came it hit the back of my throat almost
choking me, he pulled me up and swiftly removed
the banana. Alan held me against his warm lovely
chest.
"Marry me?" He said.
I said:"!!!!!!!"

Becka M

OFF

"Come on please Becka, take it off it will look
soooo much better!" coerced Quinn.
"Leave her alone, let her do what she feels
comfortable with." Snapped Alan.
I was sitting under Alan's tree being photographed
by the sex-twins, talk about putting you on
the spot!
"I want it off, so much more natural." Said Jude.
"Go on Becks, take it off, we won't laugh honestly."
Wheedled Quinn.
"I personally thinks she looks very nice wearing
one, like a lady." Said Alan (my hero).
"She's a laydeee!" Said Quinn in a Little Britain
voice.
"It will look wilder without one, freer, more
you Becks." Said Jude.
"For Chrissake take it off ! If anything just to shut
these two up!" Groaned Alan. He had on a panama
hat, that would have to go.
I sighed, I had to give them what they wanted,
with a pause I watched the three men looking
at me intensely, then I took it off, slowly,
deliberately I let it fal to the ground. All eyes
were on me. Cool just the way I like it.
Or rather I should say out, the small butterfly
clip that held my fringe back. My hair flopped
messily to my cheekbones-a restyle was long
overdue.
"That's better." Said Quinn.
"What a star!" Said Jude.
I shook my hair and laughed as Alan rolled
his eyes in exasperation.

Becka M

LETS HEAR IT FOR THE BOYZ

I'm still staying here at Alan's, he won't let me
leave he says, until I have somewhere half decent
to go to. Mmm, part of me says, yay he loves me,
part of me thinks, he doesn't love me enough or he'd
ask me to stay permanently. Anyway I'm here and
loving every minute of being a proper girlfriend!
I had a close call this morning.
The too close bit was when I awoke still sleep rumpled
and drowsy to find the sexy twins Jude and Quinn
sitting on the end of my bed looking for all the world
like the very worse kind of temptation.
"Hello Becka!" Said Jude and leered.
"Gorgeous." Said Quinn with his usual warmth.
I was naked, if I had a dick it would have been hard.
"Uh hi guys." I mumbled suddenly shy (funny that)
and pulled the duvet tighter around me.
"What are you two doing in here?" Says Alan:"Out!
Come on, in the kitchen." He looked at me with
exasperation, I hadn't done anything! Except in my
head! Trust Alan to think of me in that Mrs Robinson
way!
We breakfasted together, almost like a family and
the twins enthused about going to Australia, this
was it they said, they were moving on with their
lives and starting their own business as photographers.
"Lots of sexy people to take photos of on Bondi beach."
I said through a mouthful of streudl, Alan feeds me the
weirdest stuff honestly.
"No." Said Jude:"We are going to work solely in black
and white and take photos of the lost souls. You know
winos, prostitutes, street kids."
"Sounds cheery." Said Alan.
"Can we snap you Becka darling?" Said Quinn and
under the table squeezed my knee. I choked on a
piece of apple.
"Because she looks like a prostitute?" Said Alan and
there was a warning edge to his voice.
"No, it's your broken nose, it's gorgeous, so odd in your
lovely face, it's disfiguring but beautiful." Said Jude.
"That is what we want, marred beauty." Said Quinn.
"Well thanks a fucking bunch!" I snapped and rubbed my
nose:"Maybe you would like to pay for a nosejob for me
when you've hit the bigtime?" I rose from the table with
my cheeks flaming, bastards!
"Don't be like that Becks!" Said Quinn:"We wouldn't hurt
you for the world! And of course when we could afford
it you can have anything!"
I sat down again.
"Continue." I said.
"Oh you sad mercenary bitch." Said Alan and began
to read the times.

Becka M

SOAPY NICE

Alan doesn't have so much as a six pack as a
rack of ribs, so skinny is he. Still I traced each
rib with my tongue and paying attention to his
nipples, I chewed hard. Alan like most men is
take it or leave it with nipple play, why, he says,
play with them when you have a nice hard cock
to hand? Because I want to that's why! I had him
yelping, hopefully in pleasure! He rubbed soap
into my breasts with his silly, school-boyish
enthusiasm, I decided that he needed to be
taught a few lessons.
I began to work my way down to his already
twitching dong, our first attempt had been brutal
and sweet but he was far too excited and came
only after about 3 minutes. This time I was in the
driving seat and hell was this mother going to ride!
"What do you want from me?" He said teasingly.
"In the bedroom now!" I shouted.
"Get you." He said and carried me from the bathroom
to the bedroom, leaving large wet footprints (those
very same footprints that I would slip on in a
couple of hours and hit my head off the coffee table.
But that was 2 hours away!) All the time I licked
and bit (like a scrabbling puppy really) any flesh
I could reach.
"You are insatiable! I'm never going to be enough
for you am I?" He said ruefully and plunged me
onto his chocolate coloured quilt.
"You are enough, just do as I say Mr!" I put on
my stern dominatrix face.
"Oh please, you are not with Skinner you know!
Can't we have straight sex without all your
antics?"
"Nope! Lay back!" I ordered, he rolled his eyes
like the long suffering sap that he was.
"Take that face off!" I snapped.
"It's the only one I've got!" He laughed.
"Enough of your cheek! Talking of which, turn over!"
"Fuck off, if there is one thing I hate, then it's
my arse being manipulated."
"Not you're choice! Now spread them soldier!"
I sat on his warm back, still slightly wet and
smelling delicious.
"You are not serious! Hello, my prick is on the other
side!" He laughed.
"Yeah? What about this then?" I inserted a finger
into his rectum.
"Becka!" He growled, I bared down and pushed
my weight onto him. "I could rape you if I wanted."
"That's it!" He roared and suddenly I was rolled
over and he was on top.
"Like it rough? Rough it is!" Snarling to reveal his
mad teeth he began to thrust into me as hard
as he could.
"That's nothing!" I laughed, he pulled me up so we
were sitting face to face and he began to yank
at my hair, my breasts, everything really! I
shuddered on him and sank my teeth into his earlobe.
"Ouch! So she's not over yet then? We'll see about
that!" He stuck out an arm and knocked his phone,
water, books and glasses flying to the floor from
his bedside cabinet. I was plonked unceremoniously
on it.
"Gee Alan, there is no need to put me on a pedestal
really you know!" I giggled, he smiled for 1 second
and began to use the cabinet as leverage for his
thrusts, bloody hell it made a racket and a half!
Worked though, I was soon riding high on another
great orgasm, this time he joined me.
We crashed to the floor and laid there panting.
Later that night he would ask me to stay (to
clean up the mess!)

Becka M

TOUCHING

"Oh no, what do you want?" Said Alan, only
partially joking as he opened the door to his
house. He looked very put out and rumpled,
his black and grey streaked hair flopped onto his
face and he was dressed in a grey t-shirt and
and black joggers, bare feet.
"Nice way to talk to me!" I kissed his cheek as I
pushed past him.
"Do you know I get a headache everytime I see
you, talk to you or even think about you. Why
do you think that is?" He asked and led me through
to his dark and stylish kitchen.
"I have that effect on some people, could be worse,
could be a tumour." I grinned at him and opened
his fridge. Mmm chardonnay yum, I began to look
for the cork screw.
"Oh that's a lovely thing to say and why, may I ask,
have you brought all your stuff with you?" He looked
scared bless him.
"I just want to stay tonight, if you don't mind, tomorrow
I'm looking at some rented flats and bedsits." The cork
came out with a pop I sniffed it, Alan watched me
intensely.
I poured two tall glasses of wine and passed him one.
"Thanks." He said:"I was actually saving this wine
for a dinner party next week, but ok we'll drink it now."
(That was his way of telling me off for being a cheeky
cow and not asking him first before I opened the bottle).
"What party? Who are you taking?" I asked with interest.
"I'm there to make up the table as they have a spare
female, don't worry about it, I'm not." He sipped his drink
and looked away.
I frowned, now I was getting a headache! I hated the bitch
already.
"Well tell her hands off! You have me remember?" I pouted,
in my head she was a young glamorous blonde of about 24,
perfect teeth and tits like watermelons.
Alan smiled tightly:" I have you? I don't think so, I know
you cheat on me Becks. I must be crazy being in love
with you." His mouth looked very bitter, I had to
cheer him up.
I gulped my wine and decided to ignore his remark.
Instead I took off my clothes and stood there naked.
"Fucking hell." He said thickly.
"I'm just having a shower." I said (some people seem to
think I have a hygiene problem, can't think why Lindy!!)
"You are welcome to join me if you want."
I walked past without looking back, inside the cubicle,
he had one of those fantastic power showers, I set it
to massage. I began to soap up and for one horrible
second I thought that he would not be joining me.
The screen pulled back and there Alan stood, still
dressed, wine glass in hand, head on the side looking
at me approvingly.
I splashed the spray at him. "Come in, I said and
tweaked my nipples, ah this was great, it was washing
away the stain of Jasper and all the other shit.
So Alan climbed in, still dressed, wine glass and all.
"You daft bugger!" I laughed.
"Daft about you!" He set down the glass and began to
peel off his soaking clothes. His body so thin and
muscular, never and I don't care about Jeff or Mickey,
have I been so turned on by a body.
I knelt down and began to to roll my tongue around
his dick, not quite a blow, more of a swirl. He pulled
me up urgently, turning me around he stuck his
dick deeply in from behind. I sighed. This was what it
was all about. His hands held my breasts tightly,
quite painfully, I could feel his back arching, his legs
trembling with the strain and pleasure.
This was what it was all about!

Becka M

ALL MARBLES AND BALLS

I came back to Ma's flat clutching a bunch of
carrier bags and a little worse for wear because
of the Hardluck pie. Wonder why he called it a
pie when it was a cakey concoction? That's the
Scots for you, they call a skirt a kilt after all.
I had made a decision, I was going to have to pay
Jasper back, not in a vindictive sense (though that
would be nice) but in hard cash. I'm not a whore.
I changed out of my incredibly smelly clothes
into a neat black Next T-shirt and a pair of Diesel
jeans, also clean knickers, very nice indeed!
Ma was out (good) but Jasper returned just as
I was sorting out my items and trying to work
out how I was going to pay the old stiff back.
He grinned like the Lizard he was.
"Very lovely." He purred:"I likes a girl who
takes care of herself." He picked up my dirty
knickers and sniffed them. I tried not to let
it faze me.
"Do you mind?" I said smoothly retrieving them
from his hot little hand.
"Listen thanks for that loan I'll be working soon
so I'll pay you back Jasper."
"What? No love I thought we had an understanding."
I was suddenly aware that although he was shorter
then me and had more years then a tortoise, he was
a man and a strong one at that.
"I thought it was sweet of you to help me out, but I'm
going to be ok now and I won't be needing anymore
money from you." I smiled, hopefully it looked innocent
and sunny, but you never know with my face, perhaps
I was scowling. He looked confused.
"Wait, what about the sex?" He said his eyes darted
in reptilian fashion.
"Oh that! Sorry about that, I must have been pissed,
nevermind it's all over now, we mustn't tell Ma though
right?"
Jasper smiled:"She would be so angry, she would kick
you out on the street."
My turn to smile:"Oh no, my Ma might be stupid but
she is shrewd, it would be you that would go, love,
I'm going now anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"Which part do you not understand? I'm going now
as in going , which means that you are staying, but if
Ma finds out it's you in the gutter Sunny Jim (I'd
always wanted to call someone that!)
He paled.
"You little bitch!" He snarled.
"You old dog!" I returned. We faced eachother until
all the staring was done. Then he put the kettle on
and I walked from that flat with my head held
high, now if I could only find the money to pay
him back, a place to live, a decent man, a job,
a life. Anyone of those would be a start I suppose.
I sniffed the air and smelt the coffee, something
had been lifted and I felt good! Just needed James
Brown to sing it out and everything would be
dandy.
Becka M

p.s this post is dedicated to Gdayscott, will
miss your blog honey!

TALK TALK

"What's that film with Demi Moore and
Robert Redford?" Said Mal leaning with his
back against mine as we sat on the grass watching
the red arsed Baboons.
"Indecent Proposal?"
"That'll be it, that's you that is, 'cept she got 1K
and you got a few bob!" He laughed shaking against
me like some giant Scottish nit.
"Up yours!" I nibbled on Hardluck cake and enjoyed
the warmth it gave me and the funny eye burn.
"This hasn't got anything illegal in it has it Mal?" I
said dubiously when he'd unwrapped the large
cake.
"No, it's just fruit cake, everyday you just drizzle
on somemore whiskey until it's drenched. This
one has had about 2 bottles of Johnny Walker!"
It really was potent, gorgeous and syrupy.
"Just don't drive, operative machinery or look
after small children." Mal warned.
"Drive? That would be a fine thing!" I told him all
about Aunt Pat's Vespa watery end.
"It's sad, but maybe it's time to put away such a
teenage thing, maybe get a car even? You can
drive me, I hate driving, scares the shit out of me."
We sipped some wine, oh dear grape and grain,
headache city.
"Maybe I will get a car, but for that I need a job,
I need somewhere to live and I need Alan to stop
being such a twat! I'm sure he's gone off me."
"Poor Alan, it's you hen, you are the one who
can't commit. Maybe you need some counselling,
or bromide!"
"I thought you would be on my side! And then there
is Mickey of course, he now loves me madly even
though he's married with trillions of kids." I bit into
the cake, things were looking decidedly blurry
and fuzzy around the edges.
"Mickey? Are you crazy woman! He's to die for!
Alan is a sweetie but Mickey my god! I get hard
just looking at him!" Mal passed me the wine bottle.
"You get hard looking at Jack Dee for fucksake!"
I elbowed him.
"Well he is funny, oh fuck, look, that's us!"
Mal pointed to a bench under a tree, sitting there
was a man and a woman, their ages were hard
to tell as they were weathered and dirty. The
man was drinking a bottle of Night Train Express
and the woman was trying to read The Star upside
down, she also had a carrier bag on her head.
Superstyling.
"Shut up! Many a true word spoken in jest!" I
warned.
Then the man stood up, stretched to reveal a
dirty checked shirt under his holey tweed
jacket. But the clincher was when he said to
the woman: "Are you coming now hen?" In
a broad Glaswegian accent.
"No fucking way!" Said Mal.
"Yes that is us." I said sadly:"Or it might be."
"Fucking hell, maybe we should leave."
We looked at eachother in horror, the poor guys
and they really could have been us once.
"Let them leave first." I said.
The pair shuffled past us, the woman caught
my eye, her eyes were very blue and red rimmed.
Then she farted loudly.
"Yes definitely you Becks." Whispered Mal.
Once they had past we dissolved into uncontrollable
laughter.
"I love you Becka." Said Mal and kissed my head.
"Aww shucks!" I did a goofy face.
"No I mean it, I really love you, I had been so lonely
and you are so funny and nice." He squeezed my
arm. I looked away he had tears in his eyes.
"Time to go Mal, when the 'I love you's' start,
always time to go." I kissed his hand: "Will you still
love me if I fart loudly in public?"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"And I dressed crazily?"
"No change there then."
"And I wore a carrier bag on my head?"
"Depends on the label, now get up and lets
sober up and start sorting out our lives. I want
a boyfriend and you need well, everything."
"We sound like a really cheap and nasty Will
and Grace."
"No I'm much better looking then him."
"And me? Am I prettier then Debra Messing?"
I fluttered my eyelashes.
"Hell no! She's quite a looker, but I'll tell you
truthfully hen, you are prettier then that
Baboon!"
A particularly hairy ape grinned and slapped
it's arse at us.
"Well." I said philosophicaly:"At least she's a redhead."

Becka M

HARDLUCK PIE

I was meeting Mal outside London Zoo, I had
phoned him and told him everything. For that,
he said, he'd close his shop as he was just waiting
to hear the juicy details.
"It's alright for you!" I scoffed:"You haven't been
finger fucked by a cadaver!"
"It sounds disgustin' did he have old men's scraggy
balls? Did his arse hang down?" Mal was obvious
enjoying my demise. He was getting quite shrill and
squeaky.
"You shut up! Bring something for us to eat and
some fags." I hadn't eaten for a few days and my teeth
were tinged with nicotine.
"Yeah, ok, I'll bring some hardluck pie!"
"Hardluck pie? What's that when it's at home?"
Was he trying to take the piss here?
"Ahh you will see, be right up your street! You
can bring something to drink, oh and change your
knickers you dirty bitch!" He laughed at his own
humour.
"I wouldn't laugh very much if I had hair like you."
I said quietly.
Mal bit it. Had to the vain git.
"What's wrong with my hair?" He said irately.
"Not much, just colour, texture, length, smell,
everything really!" I giggled.
"Fuck you!" The phone was slammed down,
in my mind's eye he was already looking in the
mirror. Sod him. He once told me that he thought
his hair looked like a young Robert Plant's. Big
mistake, the teasing was relentless and I sang
Whole lotta love about 50 thousand times
and I still think it's pretty funny!
Still haven't been shopping, gasp of horror, I
think I might have to borrow a pair of Ma's
knickers! Will shop on the way back from lunch,
Mal can advise me. What am I reduced to?
I wished Ma and Jasper would just fuck off. I used to
be happy once in this little flat. It was mine
and I loved it. Waiting for my pie.
Becka M

CRAPOLA!

Ok I once did a psychology course, you can infact
use your mind to do many great and wonderful things.
I used it in this instant to blot out the strange, nasty
old cunt and focus instead on the very lovely Johnny
Depp. You do this by keeping your eyes SHUT!
So it was Johnny who gently slid my knickers down
(the ones with the see-thru heart), it was Johnny who
placed a finger on the sharp bone above my clit
and pressed down firmly.
I began to feel myself moisten and ooze, I felt that
weird, prickly feeling that meant I was very close
to coming.
"You are lovely." Said Johnny, how I wished he was
dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow! So he was, complete
with gold teeth and eyeliner.
I was throbbing but still he touched nothing vital, instead
he teased me by tracing the shape of my landing strip
hairs and stroking high between my thighs.
I moaned with desire, my nipples poked through the
ridiculous tart's nightie like walnuts on a whip.
He reached down and began to lick the edges of my
pussy.
"Please!" I mumbled, I needed something substantial,
a finger, a dick, anything to fill the aching hole with
something hard and unyielding.
He didn't have to touch me, I felt his breath warm
on my labia and I had the most stunning orgasm
ever! I wrapped my legs tightly around Johnnie's
neck!
Then I fell back into my sumptuous, sex torn bed
on the sofa.
Then something banged against my lips.
My eyes snapped open.
Old hanging dry balls and a dick that looked like
it had been pickled slapped against my face.
Jeez!
"Get the fuck Off me!" I roared and pushed him
away. He laughed.
"Always another time Rebecca." Jasper said
fondly.
"Have a coronary why don't you?" I hid under the
pillow. After awhile he left me to it.
I counted the roll of twenties, £200! Well that would
start my wardrobe off again.
But I felt bad, like a whore or something, Jasper!
I did not want to think about it!
Later that night I began to dream that I was on a
cruise with Alan and Patrick, both had white suits and
stripy Breton style tops. They smiled and raised
glasses of wine to me. Alan waved a roll of money
which seemed odd and Patrick seemed to find
this funny, I shrugged and looked away. Then I
could see Ruthie and Alex sunbathing and I felt the
sun warm my skin. I smiled, then I realized I still had
on the nightie, I looked around for something to change
into.
Then Captain Jack Sparrow was capering along,
I laughed and he pulled down his trousers
and showed me his dick. It was Jasper's old tool!
He was saying:"Take it in your mouth dear."
I woke shaking and sweating. I cried into my pillow,
what had I done?
Becka M

RESPECT MOTHERF***KER!

Inevitably, I heard the door of the lounge begin
to open. Remember TOMMY? Jasper really was
Keith Moon's Wicked Uncle Ernie personified. He
shuffled across the room like some side scuttling
spider, all arms and legs and bulbous body. If I
saw his dick I would be sick, I knew it.
"Look Becka it's like this." He said and sat at the
end of the sofa, I automactically straightened my
nightie to make sure straw nipples were not peaking.
"I'm an old guy, getting older by the second, I love
ya Mother dearly, but I've got needs that she doesn't
care for anymore."
"You are talking about My Ma right? The woman with
more lovers then her kids have had hot dinners?"
Men all the same, blame the woman.
"It's true, maybe it's her age, whatever, I'm not getting
any and I've got you dancing through my head every
night." He reached out to stroke my hair, I recoiled
as though he had scalded me.
"Get off you!" I hissed, trying hard to keep the stupid
nightie on was becoming a real struggle. "You are
a dirty old man! What make's you think I'd ever look
at you!" I looked at his with deep revulsion, get the
point wrinkly, it aint ever going to happen!
"I know you don't fancy me, I'm old, finished, but then
again have you wondered what it would be like to be
a rich man's plaything?"
"You are not that rich." I said with some scorn. His
fingers were beginning to pull the edge of the duvet,
I felt so vunerable and also something else. Powerful.
He wanted me, desired me and I could say no to this
one, if I wanted to, which I did of course, but.......
"Just let me touch you between the legs Rebecca,
just let me stroke your little pussy. I've cut my nails
and I'll be dead gentle." Spittle wetted his bottom lip,
ugh like some drooling dog after a bone.
"Fuck off!" I said.
Then he put his hand in his pocket, oh shit would it
be a knife or a gun? Would he force me to do it?
I began to pant quite loudly.
"Shit." I said, he smiled.
"This is for you." He played a very nice, neat roll
of £20 notes under my pillow. "No strings, just let
me touch you there."

Becka MMM

GRIMM TIMES

Today was the kind of day that The Brothers Grimm
would have approved of. Dark, moonstruck people
(not Cher too hairy) scary old ladies and wolves.
Moonstruck would have been me-this was because
Ruth decided, hey let's make Becka homeless again
and also break every Motorhead CD she possesses
into smithereens (what a cool word). How they shone
in the gutter. Oh and my clothes, what clothes? Ruth
had gone into frenzy mode and hacked them up with
her hairdressing scissors.
"Sorry." She said and smirked:"I still want you out,
but I went too far with the clothes." She admitted.
"So you are going to replace them?" I said as I retrieved
my toothbrush from a bar of Imperial Leather.
"No."
"Just great Ruth!" I snapped, I began to look for
the keys for my Vespa. "Keys Ruth." I said through
gritted teeth.
"Oh your keys are down the drain outside Geoffrey
Chaucer School. The bike is in the Ching!" She
laughed.
Aunt Pat's Vespa!
"I'll kill you!" I screeched and wrestled her to the floor.
2 minutes later she was on my back with my arm
being broken slowly. I could taste the carpet.
"Whose the daddy?" She said madly.
She was of course. I had nothing!
Before I left she gave me a letter. It was a letter of
dismissal from Angela and my severance pay.
Shit. No job, no place to live. No clothes, no bike and a
soapy toothbrush, could the day get better? Well at
least Mr Howard resigned.
I phoned Patrick.
"Hard luck." I said like the hypocrite I am.
"Hmm." He said aware that I couldn't give a toss.
"Mr Howard is a bit of a Big Girl bad loser isn't
he?" Had to be said, rude not to.
"It's just our way, but I suppose it was rather
dramatic. How are you?" I could tell he was peeved!
I told him (some of it) and tried to laugh. Didn't work,
hopeless blub bubbles came out instead.
"Where will you go?" He said with some concern.
"To Ma's I think, I'll be fine."
"Do you need any money?"
"No." I said firmly, he was too new in my life for
that.
"If you need anything...." He trailed off, I heard a
woman laugh in the background."Phone me."
He finished.
So I went to see Ma, why you say did I not go
to Sister-thing Raine's? Because D had a toothache
and men like D who say nothing are the worst
when poorly. Alex and Sean were still shagging
like rabbits and Mal was also too new in my life
to impose. So Ma's it was.
Here's where the scary old ladies come in, seen
Ma? Then you will know. Makes Joan Crawford
look dead cuddly.
"Wotcha want?" She said with all the love of a
mother crocodile.
"I want to stay." I said:"I've nowhere else to go."
"What about that poncy boyfriend of yours, Eric."
"Alan. No." The last thing I wanted was to show
up at his bare arsed and desperate.
"Come in then."
Jasper, perverama himself sat like some kind
of perma tanned Michael Winner, he grinned
showing his gold eye teeth.
"Missed you Becks." So there was the wolf.
"I haven't got anything to wear in bed." I
admitted to Ma later.
"Here you can have this." She said and gave
me the kind of nightie that would make a
porn star blush. Short, red, far too big in the
breasticle department for me.
"Lovely." I said weakly.
"Very lovely." Said Jasper and licked his top
lip.
Do you think if I scatter breadcrumbs I
might find my way home?

Becka M

PIMP 'HO PARK

I am almost a dole-bunny, almost. Still haven't
been to work. Right, I managed to hook-up (if
that's the right expression) Ruthie and Pa, for
a picnic in the park. Very Butterflies, just needed
Wendy Craig crying and looking miserable and
we would have been there.
Patrick arrived first and looked gorgeous in his
grey linen suit, like the Man from Delmonte
'cept I wanted him to say no.
He kissed me on the forehead and rubbed my
nose.
"Still swimming in the ugly pond Rebecca? Where
is your friend?"
"Probably on her way, sit down, talk." I patted
the bench next to me, he sat we talked.
"Do you think this is appropriate?" I said.
"Today sitting in St James Park waiting to
meet some young hottie when I should be
doing boring stuff like helping my party win
the Election. Hell no Rebecca, what are you
thinking about?"
I laughed.
"Politics huh?" I said and shrugged.
"Life is political, everything you do, everything
you say is an act of conscience." He took out a
small cafe au lait cigar and lit it.
"You sound like a Newager!" I laughed.
"Hardly." He said and blew the smoke through
his nose. I loved him very much.
"Go home, run." I said suddenly and pulled him
to his feet.
"Why? I was all excited about meeting Ruth!"
He said in mock protest.
"Bad idea, bad girl, bad Becks. I'll phone you,
meet you for lunch sometime?"
I really felt relieved, fuck Ruthie.
"Have to be after the Election now, you will
vote for my party of course?" His vivid blue
eyes exactly like mine twinkled.
"Hardly!" I said teasing him:"Now go before
we get caught!"
I waved him off and turning I was confronted
by a livid Ruth.
"Where the fuck is he going?" She screamed
into my face. She was quite scary really.
"Away. From you, bad move Ruthie starting
on my Dad." I allowed my self the luxury of
sneering.
"I won't forget this." She said and began to stride
off."And you can swing for the nosejob you bitch!"

Not exactly a walk in the park was it? I followed
at a distance.

Becka M

CRINGE-WORTHY

I am a good friend to Ruth, too good, she doesn't
deserve me, or I her. Yes Becks fixed it for her,
total humiliation hook-up with Pater-lovely!
Arse.
It was the first time I had spoken to dear Patrick
since the wedding from the Black Lagoon.
"Hey." I said unsure and embarrassed.
"Oh I wondered if you would phone, such bad
behaviour!" Then he laughed and I knew that
it was going to be ok.
"Sorry, I can't handle my drink."
"Funny I have a wife like that!" Oh so Catherine
drinks. "Still it was entertaining, you were a big
hit with that bald policeman."
"Oh?" I said my face flushing, damn that Straw!
"Yes, he said that you were his kind of woman,
whatever that may mean. Probably not your
type though, judging from the man you arrived
with."
Alan.
"Oh that was Alan, he's my boyfriend. He's
great, but not very happy with me at this
time."
"Hmm, he seems a bit too mature for you on
many levels. Still he seems a gentleman, a
lesser man might have abandoned you for
that girl without the knickers after your
little speech." He laughed again.
"No Alan hates Ruthie, talking of which."
I explained that Ruthie was a big fan of
the Conservative party (ha ha) and that
she had a special interest in politics and
wanted to have his autograph so that she
could show her fellow ladies at the WI.
I could practically see his eyebrows rise.
"Hardly-you are telling porkies aren't you?
What a lousy liar you are especially being the
daughter of a politician! Now tell me what you
want and no more embellishments. WI please!"
I groaned.
"Ruth has the hots for you, could you
meet us for a drink or something?"
I felt like a pimp and a really bad one at
that! My own Father and he was a stranger
I felt like the lowest heel ever. Practically
an espadrille.
Total silence.
"Are you there?" I asked gritting my teeth
in agony, say I lost him now because of Bitch-
face Ruth?
"Yes I was just shaking my head as I seem
to have developed galloping senile dymensia.
I could have sworn that you wanted to set
me up with that little blonde strumpet."
"I do." I whimpered.
"I don't know what to say."
"Just a drink I promise, if you like her
then you can make your own arrangements."
"My, you sound like your Mother!" He laughed:
"Oh what the hell, why not? You set it up and I
will be there. Better get some Viagra."
"Oh don't!" That was too gross.
"I'm an old guy, what is this Ruth expecting?
I'm not the most romantic of fellows."
He sounded sad.
"It will be ok, call me when you want to
go out."
So that was how we ended it.
How cringe-worthy!
Becka M

5 MINUTE CHALLENGE

"What a fuckable man." Said Ruth and sighed.
"Yeah, he's a doll." Said Mal.
They were watching someone on the telly, I was
pottering in the kitchen, those life defining moments
of deciding whether to have Chicago Town or
Goodfella's pizza when both tasted of pap and had
the nutrition levels of a Maccy D wrapper.
No good I was going to have to speed dial Dominos
again, who cares that they support The Mob?
I dialled for a Hot One extra chillis and mushrooms.
Coming into the room I heard something that
made my blood go cold.
"He is fine! I'm asking Becka to sort me out with
a hook-up, it's the least she can do." This was Ruth
and she was talking about MY father Patrick!
Because of the Election the press were interviewing
a dead-already Tory, Pa was hovering in the
background talking to one of those women whose
hair never moves.
"We were just discussing your Da." Said Mal.
"Apparently!" I glared at Ruth.
"What's that face for? He's a man isn't he? What's
wrong with that?" Ruth looked very angry.
"He's married." I said, then remembered he was
married to Catherine, Dead-girl's aunt.
"I want you to introduce me to him properly."
Said Ruth, determined bitch aint she?
"He saw your snatch at the wedding and he
thought you were disgusting." I said nastily to
hurt her.
"Oooh, I'll make some drinkies shall I hens?" Said Mal
and disappeared sharpish, the big scaredy wuss.
"So he didn't like my twat? So what? Maybe he can
shove it up my arse, who cares! Ask him over
pronto." Ruth looked at me with her insane green
eyes.
"What are you doing? Trying to work your way
through the whole fucking family?" I snarled.
"Maybe. Not Raine though. Call him up, Patrick,
now."
"You spoilt brat!" I kicked the waste paper basket
over. "What do you think I am Dial- a- shag?"
"No, you are too much of the amateur for that."
Ruth grinned at me, she knew she had won the
saucy minx.
"You never had any complaints from me." I
stared at her cute face.
"Yeah, that's right, but I'm easily satisfied, had
to be with a lousy lay like you." She pulled out her
pink tongue. And wiggled it. I took that as a
challenge.
"Mal!" I shouted.
"Aye?"
"Stay in the kitchen for five minutes will you?"
"Why?"
"Just do it!" I turned my attention to Ruth:"I guarantee
you will come on my tongue here and now."
Ruth grinned. "And what if I don't?"
"I will call Patrick and arrange a meeting, if you
come, kiss it all goodbye." I looked at the clock.
5 minutes.
"Alright then!" She yanked down her Kylie-knickers
to reveal her perfectly pruned hoo-ha.
"Right." I said and licked my lips as I drove my
tongue home.
"That will never work!" Screamed Ruthie laughing
like a drain. "Tickles more then anything else!"
I poked a finger into her and I knew I'd nearly
I had blown it. For sure. Pardon the pun.
"Yowl! Do you ever cut your nails? Jeez!"
I pretended it was Uma Thurman and lost myself
in the taste and smell of her, I could feel muscles
tighten, everything was slippy wet, I could have
taken her pulse it was so near.
"Nearly." I said.
"Yes. Damn you." Said Ruth through gritted teeth.
The Mal dropped a whole teapot on the kitchen
floor, SMASH!!!
I sat up.
"Five minutes!" Laughed Ruth, then as and after
thought came on my finger the ho.

Becka M

FIRE, WATER AND ICE

"Do you think I need to see a sex therapist?"
I asked Mal as we looked at suitable noses in
a copy of Hello. Victoria Beckham's nose looked
rather interesting.
"You see a Sexpert! Oh purleaze! Ye probably
know more then the cunt does anyhow!"
"I might know more about sex, I'm just getting
worried about how much sex I need. It's scary,
I'm like, so out of control." I shuddered at a
photo of Paris Hilton, she looked ok, it was just
that little dog Tink, it had a look of abject terror
in it's eye. Probably hated the media attention, I
felt for it. And strangely it was starting to look
like the Hilton girl. Life's a bitch huh?
"You can never be too thin, too rich or have too
much sex. So shut up, I'm having a friggin famine
at this time." Mal growled and showed his white
teeth in a fearsome scowl. If he wasn't such a poof
I would have been scared.
"Hmm, what do you think about Skinner, I mean
it was so off, I really enjoyed it though."
I shivered remembering it.
Mal licked his top lip:"Tell me again, slowly this
time." What a big pervert.
Well Master Skinner had tied me to a chair
by my wrists in the kitchen, he yanked down
my trousers leaving my g string exposed.
He kissed me roughly and gagged me with
a really stinky scarf, it smelt nasty.
He then whacked me very hard with a rolled up
edition of Vogue. That stiff spine really hurt.
Then he pulled my panties down slowly,
tweaking my pubic hair viciously and
scratching my anus brutally with his thumb
claw.
Then he left me there, for ages! My arms
were beginning to go to sleep and I had
an over whelming need to pee.
30 minutes went by. I began to make
bleating noises and I wiggled my bum
invitingly. He knew the bastard. He went
into the kitchen and returned with
an ice cube and a cup of water.
He resumed his spanking, this time
with the back of his hand, every now and
then he would touch my clit with the
ice. It made it smart and vibrate, so
close I was to coming and also I so badly
needed to pee. I could not do it, pee
here on Ruthies polished kitchen floor how
rude!
But I had little choice, the next minute he was
running, rivulets of cold water down the valley
between my buttocks, it dripped into me
like chinese water torture!
I went with it, feeling my vagina tighten
and spurge and my bladder spill like a
fountain onto the floor.
For one blissful second I felt brilliant,
then I felt dirty and sick.
Skinner had this stupid smug bastard look
on his face. I started to cry.
"First times are always hard. I've got
so much to teach you."
Later when he had left I contemplated
what had happened. Skinner could teach
me, to be what? A professional?
Did I want him to? I turned on the shower
full blast and scrubbed away my shame, then
felt it again as I remembered the hard time
I had given to Angela and Justine when
I had caught them indulging in similar.
Later I felt it again when Ruth came home
drunk and stepped into my puddle which I had
forgotten to clean up.
"Your fucking Sister's dog has pissed on my
floor again! I'm going to kill it, I really am."
She roared.
I felt it was safer at this time to say nothing.
Mal laughed. At least I had cheered him up.

Becka M

ME IN THE CORNER

Can you imagine the fallout from the wedding? Somehow
I managed to offend people that didn't even attend-so this
must be something of a record for me.
Patrick-well I bet he wished he'd been shooting blanks in
the 70's.
Alan-so handshakingly angry with me-he can't even
look at me.
Angela-well hello dole queue!
Justine-watchout for voodoo curses
Ruth-she thinks it's funny (well she would-wouldn't she?)
Alex-not at all surprised, seems to think this is normal
behaviour for me.
Mickey-he's actually the only one who asked if I was
feeling ok. He said I was a nutter and pinched my nipple-hard.
Mal-said he's glad he's my friend and now too scared to
consider the alternative.
Max-gave me his teenage-anx stare (oh give me a break
kid! It's not my fault your Mother is a lesbian and a
power-crazed cow)
Skinner-who gives a damn what he thinks?
Sister-thing Raine-More angry then a roomful of
hornets, furious that I could be so stupid.
D-well if he spoke he'd probably be pissed off with me.
Ma-narked that I showed myself up in front of Pa-
because of course she brought me up so bloody well
like a laydee, yeah right, take all the credit Ma!

So I feel wretched now, haven't been to work all
week and nobody has phoned to see if I'm ok.
Well Mal did pop over and say that I could work
at his shop, if I'd accept minimum wage.
And Raine brought me over some Baskin Robbins
ice-cream, chocolate nut fudge, yum. (But she
did shake her finger at me)
So my birthday wasn't exactly favoured in a good
light, bad timing. God that should be the name
for this blog. Maybe.
Ruth sent me a card with a photo of Prince Harry
dressed as a nazi-boy and a crude picture doodled of
me with a bare arse. Nice. Oh and a voucher for a
tattoo at a local parlour. Maybe. But most importantly
an I.O.U A NOSEJOB written on a used condom
wrapper. Sweet touch.
Alex sent me a bottle of Vera Wong perfume. Lovely,
not really me though-I'm more flowery (whatever anyone
thinks!)
Alan got me a box of Godiva choccies and a small
silver bracelet from Tiffany's. Gorgeous but last
year he bought me a Vespa (wonder what happened
to that bike? Oh how it gleamed) I'll be using a
mobility scooter before long. I think maybe Alan's
going off me bigtime.
Mickey brought round the biggest erection I have ever
seen. But I sent them both away.
Sister-thing,D and Aidan also took me out for a
dinner in our local Italian. Aidan through a mussel
from Raine's pasta at me and it twanged off my
nose. Does everything have to hurt me? Apparently
so.
Skinner turned up late last night, with piercing blue
contacts and a thumb claw.
"What do you want fuckface?"
"When are you going to learn to call me Master, my
dear?" He said pleasantly.
"When hell freezes over?"
"Pretty chilly out here and South London is hellish."
He grinned to reveal his vampire teeth, I shivered.
Ok he has a small dick, but he's very good at other
things.
"Make me say Master." I challenged.

Oh and he did. And Mummy and crumbs.

Becka M

HEIL!!!


Happy 35th birthday Becka!

Now grow-up!

A RIGHT CHARLEY

I stood there in front of the assembled power
monkeys and talked complete bollocks.
"I like to think of us as Charlie's Angels, you
know the 70's show? Three little girls, well
one was super dupa fly (that was me!) one
was the lovely supersize-me Angela who
had an adorable son, Max and one little girl
was dead!" I laughed at my own joke.
Nobody else did.
"I mean we needed a Bosely to sort us out,
that can be Mal! Hey Mal!" I waved to him,
he was hiding behind a napkin.
"So our store must be The Police Academy
and Charlie who took us away from all that
must actually be Angela, because she's the one
with money. So then we need a new Angel
because, I can't remember why actually!" I
laughed again. I could hear Ruthie laughing
madly. I saw Alan's scared eyes and Patrick
looking at me sadly.
"So to the brides! Let's all raise a glass to
the lovely brides, Angela and Justine, may
their time together be filled with Gucci and
Gautier!" Said Alex behind me, taking over
smoothly as ever. Everyone saluted, but all
eyes were on me. I could hear Justine's
teeth grinding and Angela hissed:"I'll get
you for this Rebecca Martin!"

Becka M

SPEECH SPEECH!

The wine waiter made the fatal (and expensive)
mistake of putting down a tray laden with sherry
next to Ruth, Alex and myself. We made short
work of it and Alan muttered something about
harpies or was that herpes? Mal had eyes only
for Mickey Straw.
"Oh god he's too fine! Why is he so perfect? Why
is he not gay?"
I ignored him torn between staring at Alan who
was his gorgeous, sulky self and my magnificent
father who gave the whole affair a touch of class.
Catherine his wife gave Justine air kisses and
they screeched and trilled into eachother's faces
like demented cheerleaders. I pulled a face at
Patrick and he moved across.
"Isn't that ghastly?" He said and looked down
at Ruth who was sitting there doing a Sharon
Stone moment.
"Ruth!" I poked her hard on the forehead.
"I'm sure he's seen one before, definitely the
lezzies have." She clamped her legs together
stuck out her tongue and went in search of
booze. Patrick shook his head.
"Young women today, no grooming." He said sadly.
"I wouldn't say that, Ruth's always having her
hoo-ha groomed." He raised his eyebrows.
"Try one of these Madam?" Enquired a young
waitress. I took a proffered green topped puff
thingy and bit into it. Instant gag-a-rama! I
had to spit it in a napkin. Patrick looked highly
amused, as did the waitress.
"What the hell was that?" I demanded and knocked
back another sherry to take the taste away.
"That Madam was chilled spinach, mushroom
and tomato with ricotta cheese."
"Don't you ever give me one of those again!"
"I'll remember that." Said the waitress and went off
smirking, cow.
I felt a bit light headed then someone started to
say Speech Speech!
I looked around with interest, what fool was
going to have to speak in front of these monkeys?
Angela squeezed my arm.
"Make me proud Becka." Her eyes and her voice
had a touch of ice in them.
"Huh?" I said sipping my drink.
"They are waiting for you're speech!" Hissed Alan.
All eyes were on me and you know what?
I was pissed.
As in der-runk.

Becka Martin

ALL THE YOUNG DUDES

The very trite and let's face it (boring) marriage
vows were said, I stifled the urge to show everyone
my tonsils in a spectacular yawn.
I especially liked the bit when Patrick pushed Justine
off his arm like you would a bird dropping.
"And the rings?" Said the vapid faced vicar looking at me
like I should have known about them.
"Oh we decided not to have traditional rings."
Whispered Justine, she leaned forwards to the
clergyman. "We had nipple rings fitted last week instead,
more intimate and believe it or not, the link."
Vic's face went the colour of old coffee. I gagged,
Patrick snorted, ah he was a snorter like me!
After the dreadful photos, us smiling inanely and
Mal following me around like some predatory
gay-dog, it was time for the reception.
"Who is that greasy article?" He said in disgust as
he looked at Skinner:"He is positively shiny!"
I explained the Skinner episode.
"You had sex with that?" Mal grinned, oh it was such
a hoot for him, the pansy!
"Yeah and I've had sex with him:" I pointed to Max:
"And him, the Bruce Willis clone, also Ruthie, Angela
and I regularly mate with Alan. Anything else you
would like to know?" I snapped.
"No I think that is quite enough!" Said Mal.

Becka M

IF I WAS A RICH GIRL-NAH NAH NAH.......
(Get out of my head Gwen Stefani)

Weddings are the pits, who wants that level of
stress? Certainly not me! If I ever have a nuptial
I'll just take my nearest and dearest and take off
somewhere hot and sultry-definitely not a hotel
with poncy staff and dodgy guests.
Angela entered the sideroom, radiant and dressed
similar to myself, where upon my suit was of
a silver hue her's was a bright cerise. Hmm interesting
choice, she looked like a bright bowl of turkish delight.
"I'm sooo happy Becka!" She trilled and kissed me
sloppily. Perhaps she was pleased to see me-
but she also squeezed my bum. Nice touch. Bridey.
"Let's get this show on the road shall we?" I said
and linking arms with her escorted her through
the flower draped room where the people sat oohing
and aahing as we approached. We just got there when
Patrick came out of another door with The Bride
of Frankenstein draped over his arm like Dutch Elm
disease. He had a look on his face between pissed off
and amused, he caught my eye and had to look away
fast. I have that effect on folk.
The 'Vicar' began to talk of love and stuff, I could
see Max sulking with his mental hair reflecting his
inner turmoil-my heart went out to him.
Oh happy day!!!!
Becka M

I HATE YOU BUTTER!


"Skinner! What are you doing here?" I hissed
into his smug, shiny face.
"Like the nose, adds character. I'm here for
the wedding, what else? Remember I did know
Justine intimately."
"Well keep out of my way! Don't let Alan see
you, his ex-wife was Pru? " My turn to smile as his
face went the colour of melted butter. He shuffled off like
a meth-suited him.
"Who was that?" Said Alan and his eyes were
narrowed. Mal looked over his shoulder like a
ginger parrott.
"He were greasy!" He said in disgust.
"Ah just a friend of one of the Brides, nothing to
worry about!" I laughed and kissed Alan's cheek.
I pulled my tongue out a Mal though.
Everyone was bunching up, must be time soon.
Then a man in a suit said:
"Becka Martin, Sir Patrick Beamish can you
come this way please?"
Time to get the Brides, Patrick winked at
me and we were ushered off into a sideroom.
"Love the suit." Said Patrick.
"And you look very smart!" I beamed at him.
"Becka the nose really is a problem you know?"
He said meaningfully. I nodded sadly.
Then another man entered the room a man
who I could have cheerfully punched in the
bollocks.
Mickey Straw!
"Sir the Bride is ready for you now." No
eye contact with me at all.
"Who is he?" I said to Patrick (yes I was
playing stupid, probably far too well).
"Don't be silly dear, this is Detective Sgt
Michael Straw to whom you are acquainted.
He is acting as my security incase anything
goes amiss." And I knew from his tone that he
knew everything about me and Mick. But did
he know that Mickey was investigating him?
Mickey gave me the worst shit-kicking
grin I had ever seen. I hate him.
I blushed hideously, but there was no time to
dwell on it. The wedding had started.

BECKA MMM

p.s the title is cryptic but someone out there
knows what it means! Rainexxx

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO POO

When I am an old lady I will have to have a
bag or something similar as I will be paying for
all the shocks I've had lately.
Don't even know if my bowel is going to last
until my 40's at this rate, the wedding has
turned my innards to jam.
We arrived at the Thistle hotel where the
wedding was taking place and I was ok at
this stage then Alan said: "What are you going
to say?" "Excuse me?" I frowned at him.
"What are you going to say in your speech,
you are Best man after all." He grinned at
me, the evil sod.
Mal gasped.
"Ah hin! Have 'ye not prepared anything?"
"Shit on a stick." I said.
Ruth burst out laughing.
"Queeeen of the fuckwits! What a stupid bitch!"
And cackled away merrily like an old gal sitting
knitting at the gallows.
"Becka! Think fast then." Alan's eyes sparkled
darkly, not that I could actually look him in the
eye, not after the way I had behaved with Mr
Mickey.
I kept having flash backs, Mickey kissing and
probing every inch of me with his tongue and
putting me on his enormous boing. When he fucked
you-you stayed fucked, no return.
I kept feeling his breath on my neck, his dick in
my snatch, up my arse and in my mouth. It was
torture. Now this shit.
Speechs.
"Help me Alan, you are a writer, can't you write
something for me?" I rubbed his arm, it didn't
work.
"Oh no, you can sort this one out yourself!" He
sniggered. Mal seemed to be the only one not
laughing at me, no instead he was ogling my
father.
"Ah Becka! He's fantastic! Now I see why you
are so pretty! What a fabulous man!"
"Hands off!" I hissed:"Mal can you write?"
Mal laughed:"Nay, I canae just about read!"
I looked over at Patrick standing there looking
like Harrison Ford at his best, all
dark and dangerous. His wife Catherine stood
by his side. Oh dear, she reminded me of a
sheep. Something to do with the eyes. And the
hair. And the bovineness. Could see where Justine
got her transparency from. Ick. These people
needed blood. Patrick caught my eye and winked,
then looked away. I felt myself warm inside.
Our secret. Nobody could take it away.
Sean dragged Alex in like she was a piece of
body art so closely attached was she.
A few power lezzies, then I caught site of Max,
Angela's son standing there looking like a
lost Edward Scissorhands all Deppish and
awkward.
"Hey!" I said and kissed his cheek.
"God you're nose looks ugly." He said spitefully,
I could see that he was nervous though, the
chewed fingernails and tick in his temple were
proof of that. I decided to let him live.
"Look no hard feelings Maxi, this is your Mum's
day right?" I stroked his cheek.
"This is fucked." He snapped and walked off
leaving me standing there all embarrassed
like you are when someone walks off mid
conversation.
"Penny for them!" Said a simpering voice.
I turned and looked into the wolf-stylie
pupils of Skinner.
Whoah! That was change of knickers number
One.
Becka M

TODAY IS THE DAY IS THE DAY IS THE DAY


Just a quick post-yes today is the day of The Wedding
and also Angela and Justine are getting their union
blessed.
I'm a shit, I've done it again I've slept with that bloody
Micky Staw! Not a lot I can say in my defense, except
that at least I enjoyed it (but that will never stand up
in court).
Alan is on his way to collect us, Ruth is dressed in
a fabulous orange silk shift dress (bit too summery
if you ask me) and a fucked out hat.
Alex and Sean are meeting us there (if they can get
out of bed). Raine and D will not be coming, Raine said
she would rather eat belly button fluff then be in the
same room as Ruthie.
Mal is here bless him (bit sulky though as I made
him wear a suit) and he is chain smoking and getting
very hyper. I am trying to cover my bloody awful
nose with foundation, still look like Gonzo though.
I'm wearing a beautiful, almost Indian cut suit,
3 quarter length trousers and fitted high neck jacket.
I look like a beat up version of Jemima Khan.
I fucked Mickey. I love Alan.
Mickey said to me:"I'm ready to put you first Becks,
before Sharon and the kids. You are my number one
I love you baby." And he meant it.
Have you any idea how many times I had wanted
him to say that?
Bad timing.
Let's get this wedding over, help me Daddy!
Becka M

"I'LL MISS YOU MOST OF ALL SCARECROW" or
kiss my tootie

Ever danced naked with an octopus? No neither had I
until now.
"Stop it Mickey!" I squealed breathless and practically
knickerless.
"You know you want it you dirty girl!" He bit me very hard
on the collarbone.
"Yowch! That hurt you freak!" I slapped him twice rapidly
on each cheek. That stopped him.
"Blimey you don't pull you're shots do you?" He gave me
a baleful look.
"What the fuck do you want Straw?" I straightened my
clothes all the time aware that my nipples were standing out
like doorknobs and my pussy was throbbing in anticipation.
Down girl!
"I'll cut to the chase, I hear that a small Gender Bender
wedding is in the offing. Special guests, very special political
guests with very sexy illegitimate daughters."
Fuckedy fuck!
"I don't know what you mean." I said primly.
"I bugged your phone sweetcakes, Daddy is being investigated
for 'resting' money that belongs to his constituency in
his account in the Caymen Islands. How thrilled I was to
hear you're little name involved in this one." He smiled at me,
oh how I could have smashed his lovely teeth down his
pigging throat!
"I don't know what you mean, really I don't." This was true.
"I'm sure Patrick hasn't done anything wrong." ( Was I?)
"Please Mick don't mess this up for me, I've only just
met the guy. He's fantastic."
I could see a muscle flex in his cheek, oh those beefy guys!
"I'll think on this girl, I'll think hard, talking of hard
get down on your knees there's a love."
"Fuck you!" I snapped.
"I'll do that too." He assured me.
"It's like this Mickey, I'm with Alan now and I'm trying
to be good this time, you are the sexiest man I know,
but please don't tempt me."
"I'm not tempting you, this is an order, now get you're
knickers off and sit on my face!" He pulled off his
t-shirt to reveal a six pack which was frankly lickable.
"No Mick!" I said and started to back off, all the while
he stripped more clothes off until he stood there naked
and unabashed like an advert for Rent-A-Dick.
He smiled like a cobra.
"Oh you bastard!" I said as his hands found my breasts.
"I missed you most of all Becky (Becky!!!) you and
you're golden cunt. What's going on with the nose
though?"
I touched my nose, I'd removed the splint myself, that
Anna Friel Stuff had really got to me. I looked like
Gonzo off the Muppet Show. Bent and beaky.
That was like a wake up call except I didn't wake up.
I merely fell deeper into hell.
"I hate you, you can kiss my tootie!" I spat in his face.
"I'll do that too, by the way love, I love you madly."

Beck Mmmmmm

NO BLOOD TIES

"So you are going to this wedding too."
Said Patrick and laughed deeply:"Oh God what
a bloody mess, still it will show us Conservatives
are not at all fuddy duddy."
"Or of course it could prove what we've known all
alone-Tories are riddled with vice and sexual
fetish." I said.
"Yes." He replied dryly. "I take it that you will
be discreet, about you're relationship with
myself?" There was a slight threat in his voice:
"As I will have Catherine with me."
"I won't say a word, does it matter that much
too you?" I felt slightly hurt.
"In a word yes, you've done nothing wrong my dear,
but the press would have a field day with you."
He laughed again:"I got an invitation to another
wedding you know, but I think this one will be
more fun if you can keep our secret."
"Oh you mean Ken and Deirdre!" I giggled.
"More like King and Dreary. I can't wait to see you
again Rebecca."
"I'll be the soul of discretion." I assured him:" Oh I've
something to ask you."
"Fire away."
So I asked him about Justine, because it was really,
really worrying me. His laughter was like music
to my ears.
"Oh that silly bitch! She is Catherine's niece, technically
my niece too, but we'll overlook that one! Not the
healthiest looking person is she?"
"I call her Dead-girl!" I admitted. No blood ties, I was a
happy bunny!
"I think that suits her very well, though not very fair
to corpses!"
We laughed together and for the first time I was
actually looking forwards to this wedding, I might be
able to steal a moment of his time.
"You will meet Alan, my boyfriend." I felt a thrill
go through me, I felt sixteen again.
"Mmm, he'd better be good enough for my girl,
anyway we will leave it there shall we? I'll see
you soon."
"I'm the Best Man." I warned him.
"I'm sure you are." He said completely unfazed.
Then 10 minutes later I got a little visit from a
Detective named Straw.
Lordy!
Becka M

WART

"I think this is going to be the wedding of the year!"
Squealed Mal excitedly. "What shall I wear?"
"Wear want you want, you're not going." I said and
sipped my expresso, wincing as it burnt my tongue.
I was sitting in Starbucks with Sister-thing and Mal,
he was perhaps the only friend of mine that Raine
liked (must have been the mad hair-thing).
"Oh that's not nice!" He exclaimed loudly.
Raine shook her head.
"Mal you go instead of me, I'd hate to go."
"Why?" We both said in unison.
"Because you (that was aimed at me) will cause a scene,
I know it, I can feel it in my bones." To make a
point she snapped the head off a biscuit.
"I would not! It is a wedding, I'd never mess it up."
I stuck out my bottom lip.
"With you mouth like that and your splint
you look a bit like Anna Friel." Said Mal and him
and Raine started snorting with laughter.
"Bastards! Raine really! I will behave, please
come." I pleaded with my eyes.
"No I'd rather sit at home and watch Countdown
and I hate that Carol Vorderman."
"Carol? Oh I think she looks dreamy." Said Mal.
"Because she's a man." Said Raine:"Can't sit here
all day talking to you fuckers, going to get D
his St Johns Wort."
"I knew a man with a wart once." Said Mal
wistfully.
We ignored him.
"He had the biggest one you ever saw." He
continued.
"Shut up!" I hissed.
"Looked like a split cauliflower." Mal was on a
roll now.
"I'm gone!" Raine kissed Mal (Mal!) and left,
I, beautiful little sister, didn't get so much as
a peck.
"We tried that Compound W shit on it and
Bazuka, but nothing worked. In the end he had
to have it frozen off at his GPs. I think he keeps
it in a matchbox."
"The GP?" I looked incredulous.
"No my friend's wart! Becka honestly, how are
you supposed to keep a fully grown Doctor in a
matchbox!" He ruffled my hair.
"Shut up!" I scowled.
"If your Daddy goes to this wedding do y'think
he'd bring Michael Portillo for me?" Mal's eyes
had a dreamy cast.
"More like Ann Widdecombe, she's more your speed
and age anyway!"
"Fuck you!"
And so life continued uneasily.

Becka M

BEST


"Say it again, really slowly this time, Angela
wants me to what?" I put a finger in my ear
to shake lose the tricky wax that must be making
me hear insane gibberish.
"Angela wants you to be her best man, what's
so hard about that?"
"For starters I'm a girl, also hello! I hate your
guts, what makes you think that I'd like to
go to your mucky little wedding?"
"You know that would sound so much more
insulting if you were not wearing a nose splint!
You will love it, free booze Becka! And food as
your such a pig! Also you can bring that weird
man of yours if you like."
"Alan?" Possibilities, weddings always bring out
the romantic in me, maybe Alan would feel the
same. "What about the girls?"
"Of course, even ask Raine if you want."
"What do I wear?" I frowned, Best Man indeed!
"Don't you worry about it at all, Angela is
going to arrange all the clothes except my
dress." A faint grayness lit her cheeks, oh my
she was blushing!
"You are not wearing white! You would not
dare!" I laughed:"White's not exactly you' re
colour, you would disappear."
"Shut up! So I can tell Angie that you will do
it?" Justine glared at me.
"Ok, who is giving you away? I mean I'd feel
better doing that actually, I'd give you to a tramp
off the street if I could." I gave her my sharp
smile (the one she hated).
"Ha bloody ha, my Uncle is giving me away,
you might have heard of him. Sir Patrick
Beamish? He's been on Question Time recently
about the gypsies, I'd worry if I was you!"
She smiled and I frowned. I was worried!
Fuck!
Becka MMMMM

FOE NOT FOE

I hate this nose-splint thingy, my nose is the
exact opposite of petite and now looks like
the rudder of the damned Titanic! Half
expect Leonardo and Kate to do that arm
stuff on it! Ruth is now very snivelly and
sorry for herself, but the best bit is she has
offered to cough up for a proper nose-job if
it heals funny. I expect I will forgive her-
in time. Alan is still furious, but he said he's
used to me letting him down by now, so that's
good isn't it?
Went to work at the counter, nobody wanted
me to make-up their faces for some unknown
reason (did they think it was catching?)
'Yes Madam, you look great, shall I extract a
tooth and black your eye for a contemporary feel,
no? Complementary nose splint if you spend over
fifty pound.' No they stayed away in droves.
Eventually after about half a dozen complaints
they sent Justine down to me. What a laugh!
At least I still had a pulse! You could feel the
temperature drop and Yvette Fielding would be
seeing orbs by now.
"Oh my gosh!" She said, that was enough! That
and the silly, irritating little half smile she gave
me.
"Look I'm here and I'm working, so kindly get
back into your office and go down on your
woman or something." I love being me.
I began to frantically rotate some Nars nail
varnish, she stood dead (dead!) still staring at
me and grinning like someone had tickled her
fanny.
"Becka, go home for fuck sake you look like
shit and your scaring the customers!" Still
grinning like a nit she was.
"No." I said:"I might look like Mickey Rourke
in Angel Heart, but I need my money and I'm
fit to work."
"Angela says you can have full pay, just sling
your hook you're making the place look ugly."
"Full pay?" I considered this:"I'll get my coat."
I conceded.
"Thought you would." She said smugly.
"You are such a bitch." I looked in the mirror,
what a nightmare, would I ever be pretty
again?
"Who did it? Jealous lover? Oh so it was!"
She clapped her hands together in glee:"You
must tell me everything!" Nice to see I had
made her happy.
"I'd rather tell Angela that you are really straight
and just a gold digging whore." My turn to smile.
Her small perfect mouth stopped grinning and
set into a vicious little hook.
"I hate you." She whispered.
"Great, I always know where I am with you
Justine."
"You're wrong about Angela, I do love her."
"You love money, Angie practically wipes her
arse on fivers everytime she takes a dump."
"You are a crude working class chav!"
She snarled showing her true Home County
colours true blue and full of shit.
"I resent that! I only wore Burberry when it was
in fashion, I'd already stopped when the rest got
on the bandwagon!"
"You have a veneer of sophistication, but that's
all it is, a front. Inside you are rotten. Your
face matches the inside now."
"Fuck you! Next time you are going to get
raped and killed remind me not to help you."
"I was the one who saved you remember? And
Angie helped of course!" She grinned again,
oh poo she was right! In my head I was the hero.
"Well yeah, ok, so I owe you one, still hate
you though." Imagine going down on her!
My lips would get frost bite!
"Mutal I'm sure, anyway I was going to ask
you for a favour." Her colourless eyes flashed
impishly.
"Tell me more." I said, maybe I could pay back
my debt and her supernatural hold over me
would be over.
Becka (Beaky) M

BECKA'S RED NOSE DAY

I could hear Mal's high pitched hysterics and saw
Alan's face was pale and sweaty. My nose felt like
a ripe tomato thrown at a neighbour's window-
squished. My mouth was full of blood-ugh.
"Oh my god her face her face!" Screamed Mal, his
shrillness made my heart lurch. Amazingly, Alan
took control of the situation.
"Mal, make a cup of tea with 3 sugars in it, you,
sit down here put your head forwards." He sat me
down and placing a towel on my lap I watched it
redden.
"Becka." Whispered Ruth and tried to touch me,
I shirked away from her, bitch, she broke my nose!
Mal returned with the tea.
"Here it is." He said and I could see his hand shaking.
"Well sit down and drink it then." Said Alan, Mal
obeyed, his eyes still very shiny and darting.
Then Alex and Sean were there and Alex started
screaming at Ruthie, Ruthie was crying.
"Come on, I'll take you to casualty." Said Alan.
"It's ok I think I'm alright now." Said Mal.
"Not you! Becka."
"Oh." Said Mal and blushed:"I'll come anyway."
He looked at Ruth:"It's safer."
In the melee (love that word) someone had phoned
Sister-thing Raine, she arrived like the world's
smallest Mafioso glaring at Ruth she said:
"You fuck my sister up I fuck you up!" Then Sean
and Alan had to restrain her before she gave
Ruthie the Vulcan death-grip.

Later in the hospital I sat with two suspiciously
tampon-like affairs shoved up my nose. My head
was killing me and I could hardly breathe.
Worse still I had run out of ciggies.

Becka M

MUGS

"That girl scares me." Admitted Alan as he carefully
rolled a cigarette. Sean had wrapped Alex in his parka,
she looked very nice with her bare legs and damp hair.
They were talking in whispers and it looked pretty
intense.
Shortly Alex said:"Come with me." And led a smiling
Sean to her bedroom.
Alan rolled his eyes: "At least that's over!"
Mal turned to me:"You had better see how lil' Ruthie
is doing." I nodded, who else could do it? Muggins of
course!
As I left the room I heard Mal say to Alan: "So would
you like to watch 13 GOING ON 30?"
And Alan's strained."No."
I tapped at her door.
"Come on Ruthie, let me in." She didn't answer so
I came in anyway. She was sprawled on the bed
and she looked totally dejected, her make-up
streaking down to her chin and her nose red and
sore. "Whatever is the matter Ruth?" I sat next to
her and put my arm around her.
"It's too much! You've got Alan, Sean's back!
What am I supposed to do?" Her voice was angry
and trite.
What indeed?
"But you' re lovely! Any guy or girl would love to
have you." I kissed her forehead which was
damp and sweaty.
"Really? Then why am I always on my own? Why
do I have to exist on the sexual scraps you throw
at me when you can't get anything better?"
She poked a tiny finger into my chest, bloody hurt
it did.
"Ruth it's not like that at all! I love Alan, but you
will always be special to me? Who could not love
you a little bit?" I stroked her crazy hair which
was standing up in tufts like a throw-back punk.
Suddenly she pushed me back onto the bed
straddling me.
"If you love me, show it now." Her voice was
crazy, demanding and edgy. I liked it.
"Ruth! Alan's out there! And Mal! We can't...."
But obviously we could as Ruth was pulling off
her t-shirt and her hands were under mine.
"Well we will have to be quick." I whispered,
very excited, it was so elicit, so tantalizing-
Alan was on the other side of the wall, if it
was glass he could see me! Oh I wished he
could! Ruth yanked down my pants and roughly
inserted 2 fingers, I felt the nails and it made
me shudder in pain.
"Too rough for you?" She said not at all apologetic.
"Not at all!" I said and gritted my teeth, it was
still smarting. I kissed her breasts and just to
show her I nipped them quite sharply.
"Now we're getting somewhere!" Ruth said
and I could see the excitement and madness in
her eyes.
Strange really, I was the 'Mad one' the one in
trouble yet Ruthie was nuts bigtime! She
just hid it from the general public that much
better. She began to move down, biting all
the way, could I take the pain? Hopefully!
It was so hot, we were both sweating like pigs,
Ruth's tongue and teeth worked their magic
and my clit made it's own sweet vibration.
"Ahh!" I moaned.
"Awwww!" Moaned Ruth getting off to my
pleasure.
"WHAT A FUCKING MUG!" This was Alan
who stood in the door shaking, white and furious.
Ruth smiled at him.
"Hi Alan!" She said cheekily.
"You shut up!" He snapped and grabbed my
wrists yanked me up." Get dressed now! We're
going out!" He snarled.
"Alan!" I said weakly how could I finish this
sentence?
1. Alan it's not what it looks like-we were
doing 'organic bikini waxing'
2. Alan I'm sorry? Maybe you should knock
next time?
3. Alan fancy a three-way?
4. Alan for heavensake! It's just a muff dive-
it means nothing!

But what I actually said was:"Alan I'm so sorry!"
At that Ruthie roared and punched me full
in the face breaking my nose in two places.
Shit.

Becka M

HARDS**T AND ZELLWEGERS

We sat (we being myself, Alex, Ruth and the newly
acquired Mal) with our feet soaking in a babybath.
not much room with Mal's size 12's taking up all the
space. I had to have my feet on his, very nice in a
footy kind of way. His toes had little blondish tuffs
much like a Hobbit really only bigger.
We were sipping really cheap Asti and were all
getting nicely toasted. Alex looked a sight, her
hair was wrapped up as she was relaxing it and
on her face was a luminous green mask. Even
the very beautiful can look ugly sometimes.
Ruthie was in full bitch-mode and Mal eyed her
warily. I don't know if it was the David and Goliath
effect, but this big guy was certainly scared of our
little Ruthie (or at least very wary) can't say I
blame him.
We had watched both Bridget Jones and thrown
Dorito's at Renee Zellweger's face everytime
the shot went to close up.
"She's thin in real life." Remarked Mal. Ruth
resident anorexic and token psychotic glared at
him.
"I think she's still a heffing great pig!" She snarled,
showing whites of the eye and a fair bit of tooth.
Mal looked at me helplessly.
"She's hardly fat now." He whimpered.
"Most people are fat, your fat, Becka's fat, Alex...
Alex is ok (this is because Ruthie knew better then
to proceed) I think you could all do with a fucking
de-tox!"
"Piss off!" I said, but before it could escalated into
the usual nonsense the door bell rang.
"That fucking bell!" Said Ruthie:"I'll take the
fucker off I will!" She snatched open the door.
"Oh not you!" She shouted:"Becka, Alan-lame-
arse and Sean Pretty-Boybum are here!"
I looked at Alex and she looked at me in horror.
"Not Sean!" Tears made tracks down her sticky
face, she fled to the bathroom.
Alan and Sean entered the room like the sun
and the moon. Sean being the sun, blond, gorgeous,
tanned and unavailable. Alan limped in wearing his
trademark black and a scowl. A moon if ever I saw
one.
"Sorry Becka." Said Alan:"Sean arrived at mine,
he wants to see Alex." I love his casual scruffiness.
"No fucking way!" Said Ruth.
"She's my wife!" Shouted Sean.
"Your gay!" Snapped Ruth she was actally squaring
up to him!
Mal's ears pricked up:"He's gay?" He smiled at
Sean:"Didn't aye see you in Hardshit?"
We all looked at him.
Sean shook his head :"I don't think so." Bet he
had though.
Then Alex re-entered the room looking drop
dead gorgeous with her clean face and wet hair
and more to the point, naked. We all stared
and she was loving it.
"Take a good look Sean, see what your missing?"
Mal laughed hysterically and Alan stared in horror.
"It's taken me a year to get over seeing them." He
whispered loudly. I nudged him to be quiet.
"I see exactly what I'm missing." Said Sean and
grabbing his pretty wife kissed her passionately.
"Get the fuck out of my flat!" Roared Ruthie:"All
of you! That mean's you stupid!" (That being me)
"I hate you all! You and your stupid men!"
"Is this a lesbian moment?" Said Mal in my ear.
"And you can take Aunt Sally with you!" Ruth
slammed the bedroom door so hard a laughing
picture of Elvis hit the deck. Mal mouthed
Aunt Sally at me and pulled a face.
The the hardshit hit the fanny.

Becka M

THANK YOU ONE AND ALL
(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
Mad Becka is 1 Year Old!

Thank you all out there in blogland for reading
Mad Becka-our anniversary is 14/03 so we are
a year old. It's been fun-I'll keep up the mediocre
work!

Love ever Rainex & Becka M

CHOCCIE DUNKIES AND SUGAR DUMPLINGS

Mothering sunday was the worst, sitting el commando
in my Juicy Couture (not juicy or couture) .I felt like
time stood still, only punctuated by Ma's heavy breathing
and Raine's tooth grinding. Jasper of course was the
letch from hell, kissing me and feeling my butt at the
same time (why is is when you want gas you never have
any?) Little Aidan was bored rigid, but he was a good
excuse to leave early and dine on Maccy D's.
Ma mentioned Patrick briefly i.e "Handsome bugger
isn't he?" With a wistful look. I shuddered, sex, elderly
folk, nah not doing it for me, yeuch.
On returning I took the longest bath ever, with a
beautiful rose scented bubblebath Ruthie was saving
for best, but I used it anyway.
Afterwards I lay on the couch just wrapped in a
towel and a fine dusting of Yardleys lavender talc,
love it, love it! Alex say's I smell like an old ladies
crotch but then who would know? My little titties
looked like sugar dumplings mmmm!
Just on the off chance I phoned Alan:
"Come over here." I said just like that.
A pause.
"What for?" He said.
"Because I'm clean and naked and I want you to
lick off my body powder and make me grubby
again!" I felt my self moisten and I squeezed my
knees tightly together.
He growled and put the phone down. Time past.
Blast.
He's not coming.
I always piss him off.
Maybe he's on his way.
Maybe he's not.
Am I pushing him too much?
Who gives a fuck?
The door sounded after 15 minutes.
I dropped my towel and opened the door
dramatically.
"Whose a naughty boy then?" I said.
Damn Pools man.
"Whoops! Sorry, I thought you were, someone else."
I laughed, christ he had to be about 80!
"For you honey I could be anybody!" He laughed and
sold me a coupon.
How humiliating.
But he did show-10 more minutes and he was doing
all those things with your tongue they never teach
you in speech therapy. (I had that, I was a slurrer-
still am after enough brandy).
"Oh Becks!" He moaned as I tried to insert a probing
finger into his anus. That stopped him for a minute.
"What are you doing woman?" He demanded.
"Feeling the merchandise, very nice, very fuckable.
Come on, pull on the dunkie!"
He froze.
"Fuck." He said.
"You haven't?" I said.
"I bloody well have you know! Frig!" He hit
his forehead in frustration, already the magic
wood was drooping.
"Hold that thought!" I said and slapped his arse
roughly, I ran through the house like a mad
woman. Condom raid! Alex and Ruth's drawers
were raided (you know what I mean!) nothing!
Nada! Herpes infested harlots! Where were the
dunkies? Then I remembered the choccie ones,
bought as a laugh from the pub, we had put them
on bananas and made ourselves sick one night.
Very mature-very us.
There was one left, still in it's little brown packet
stuck onto a KFC packet of salt. Eureka!
"Here we go." I said and chucked it at his head.
"You know what that means?" He said glowering
at me. He held it like it was The Grail itself.
I shook my head.
"It means a blowjob first." He grinned happily
(ciggie stains creeping back-I am a bad influence).
"Ok, but don't you dare come ! We have but one
chance of happiness." I warned.
"I will do." He nibbled my clit:"My." He licked my
nipples:"Best." It wobbled there like the biggest,
sauciest dong in the world.
"It looks obscene!" I laughed, then I stopped talking.
It was nice, hardly Haagan Daz but ok in a synthetic
sort of way. Then he slipped into me and the overwhelming
smell of ovaltine hit the air.
"Move that arse soldier!" I said, I love Alan for a scrawny
sparrow he can give it some wellie! He lifted me easily
and had me up against the wall, all the while I could
smell the cocoa, bit off putting really, but I was so in
the mood.
"Love you! You crazy cow!" he said.
From that man that was poetry!

Becka M&Ms

MITHERING SUNDAY

I was sleeping deeply on Ruth's sofa when the phone
sounded, we all ignored it as working girl's do on a
sunday morning after an extreme night on the lash.
I had introduced Ruth and Alex to Mal and they
thought he was delightful (he thought they were ho's
but so what?) Also I was still in that nice, after shag
feeling because of Alan. Oh yeah we had shagged like
dogs later that night and it had been heaven!
Few days later and I'm still floating on air, Alan phones
me most nights, it feels only a matter of time before we
will get back together.
Who ever phoned gave up and I drifted back to sleep.
What seemed like a second had passed then there was
a sharp rat-a-tat-tat on the door. I ignored it, Jehovahs,
not in the mood today.
Ruth answered the door dressed in just a t-shirt, I
heard her swear (twice) then hiss to me:
"Your bitch-sister is waiting in the kitchen with
her brat! Your'd better get up."
"Sister-thing?" I mumbled and fell to the floor, I
crawled along until my knees met tiles. I heard
Aidan laugh, I winked at him.
Raine was standing there with a white face an
a box of Milk Tray. She rolled her eye's when
she saw me. I couldn't make any sense of the
situation at all!
"Becka! It's Mothering Sunday, Ma's day!
please let's get this over quickly! I''ve bought
200 Benson for you to give her."
I didn't argue, Mother's day, her birthday and
Christmas were all solemnly acknowledged on
the off chance that she wouldn't live to see
another one. But the woman was strong damn it!
"Is she still with that creep?" I said.
"Jasper? Oh yes, he's not too bad is he?" Said
Raine.
"He is a sleazy snake, but yeah not as bad as
some of her blokes." (Both of us as girls could
testify that a lot of her boyfriends used to try
to get in bed with us-sometimes succeeding)
"She might ask you about Sir Patrick Beamish."
Warned Raine.
"Hmm, well she can sod off! That's my business."
But truth be told, Patrick hasn't contacted me in
a while. Maybe he thinks it's a bad idea.
"I wonder." Said Sister-thing as she checked the
buttons on Aidan's little parka:"Whether my father
is Mr Martin after all."
I bit my tongue.
"Who knows? Don't ask her today though, enough
drama already!"
I telephoned a cab.
"Why isn't D here?" I asked.
"Because he thinks Ma's the Antichrist."
She rooted in the cupboard and finding the biccie
tin gave Aidan a Jaffa cake.
"That's a bit harsh, I'm mean maybe a minor
demon, Antichrist is a bit rough though!"
"He has his reasons." She said darkly.
"I hate my life and my family, every bugger
seems to have their secrets!" I stormed.
"Ah shut up! Of course we do, that's what make's
them secrets. People do have private lifes Becks!"
Then the cabbie came and we were whisked off
into Blue rinse Hades.
Then I realized I still had my pajama bottoms on
a smelt like a brewery.

Becka M

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