LEATHER OR NOT

"If and I mean if I was really desperate and had to
shag someone of the same sex-then it would have to
be Gwen Stefani." Said Alex in a tone that inferred
Gwen was just waiting for her call.
"Hmm, still Skinner is not exactly Jeff's type is he?"
Said Ruth. Obviously Alex and not met the bald and
lovely one so comparisons could not be made.
"I don't know, he has a pulse doesn't he? Nothing
would surprise me after seeing him with Estelle."
I said bitterly, really though this should not burn
me so badly now. I was a big girl, with long, shiny
hair and I had a great bum.
"Please Becka do me a favour-don't wear your
smeggy leather trousers tonight!" Said Alex.
"Yeah, she's right! Try to be not so obvious."
Said Ruth.
"Fuck you both! I'm not obvious-no nipples or
pubic hair in sight at all!" I snarled.
"Let me be your dresser." Said Alex:"Ruth will do
your hair and you can do your own make-up under
our supervision of course."
I rolled my eyes, but it was a losing battle with
these bitches. Alex dressed me in a really mad
Versace dress that was slit passed the navel and
because of the sheerness of the fabric-I would have
to go commando. If I bent forward (at a funny angle)
you could see my Hoo-Ha. Ruth back-combed my hair
furiously and for one worrying moment I looked
spookily like Robert Smith from the Cure. I need
not have worried. She tamed it down, plaited the back
and made it into a very sophisticated floppy bun-
kind of Miss Marple but kicking! I finished the job
with shiny, sticky lipgloss in mauve, grey eyeshadow,
false eyelashes and a pair of of ahem-Jimmy Choos,
but ssh about that! For a coat I wore a really bizarre
chain-mail cardigan thingy Alex had nicked from her
last shoot.
"It was medieval with nipples." She explained.
Then I was ready, far from Cinderella, more like Lily
Savage, but startlingly different.
"Thanks girls!" I said and air kissed them.
"Be careful." Warned Ruth.
"Screw that! Have fun Becks!" Laughed the more
crazy Alex.
"I will!" I said. After all when did I do anything else?
My cab was waiting which was cool as I did not want
to wait on the streets of London in this get-up. I
caught the eye of the cabbie several times on route,
but he said nothing. I expect he'd seen it all in his time.

I reached Thrumz and before I could get out of the car
2 people got in. Eeek! No worries-only Mickey Straw
and GirlCop (who was fetchingly dressed in civvies).
"Very nice!" Said Mickey, who had already noticed
my slit (not that one)the one on my dress!
"Listen Becka." Said GirlCop:"Your targets have
already entered the premises."
"Huh?" I said.
"Dozy! Jeff, Estelle and Dead Girl! Wake up! Now go
in and buy them a drink!" He slipped me a fifty pound
note.
"I don't want your filthy cop money! Are you sure this
will be enough?"
"Get out the car!" Barked Mickey, I had to scramble
across his knees (very nice) then they drove off in my cab.
I suppose they had to pay for it hee-hee.
I entered Thrumz having to stump up the £15 entry fee,
shit, I looked around, weirdos, perverts, goths, all there
and correct only no 'targets where the fuck were they?
Becka Martin

' TECCY

I don't mention work much lately as to be honest
it's perfectly boring. However I have been going there
inspite of it all (the murder, the betrayal, the sexy twins)
to laze at my desk and insult the fetid Justine. But that
had to change, the insults I mean, not the lazing (my gosh
I can't change that much!)
This was on account of my new job as' Double O' or
as Sister-thing Raine says:'Dopey-O' which is more fitting.
I know that Justine is a very good friend of Estelle, the
fluffy blonde bitch-queen 'ho who nicked Jeff off me in the
first place! What would my life have been like I wonder
if he hadn't fallen for her blonde siliconess? Who knows?
"Hiya Justine!" I said brightly. She peered at me from
behind The Times Financial section, she looked very
Madonna circa Erotica, all greased back hair and
pencil thin eyebrows. Unnerving so close to Halloween.
"Oh my God it's Pocahontas!" She said and her lip
curled into something that on anyone else would have
been a smile. I think she meant my new hair.
"Oh the hair? New, like it?" I smiled again, this was
killing me!
"No, you remind me of an Afghan hound, only greasier."
"Nice." I said biting the insides of my mouth to stop
any retort being formed. Blast I hated her!
"Angela is in a meeting, she wants you to look at this
buyers ledger, she was wondering why you keep
ordering all these designer shoes-your'd better take
a look." She threw the file at my head .
I caught it before it glanced off my brow." Thanks! Listen
Justine, I was wondering, um, do you still see much of
Estelle and Jeff?" I tried to play it cool but my top lip
was sweating (I hoped she would think it was lip gloss)
and I felt very unsure how to play this.
"Yeah all the time! Still very much in love, Jeff must have
thought he'd won the lottery when he dumped you for
Estelle!" She grinned with crystalline spite, I had to
control myself, even though I wanted to bounce her head
off the walls.
"Good! I'm glad they are happy, Jeff deserves nothing
but the best (the bastard) and I hope he is happy (in
hell!) I haven't seen either of them about recently though."
I'm good at lying.
"Oh they are about." A small frown creased her pale
forehead: "You expect these sort of things with couples, I used
to go out with Estelle weekly, now I'm lucky if.....:"She looked
up at me:"What's all the interest? You surely don't think you
can get Jeff back do you?"
"No! To be honest I would not want him back, but you get
used to people, I miss him." I lied again, the only thing I
miss about Jeff was his dick.
"Oh didums!" Justine's voice dripped with venom.
"I expect you miss Estelle too." I had to get that one in!
"A bit! But as it happens, I'm meeting them this very
night, we are going clubbing." (So there!) She did not say
that bit, but it was so obviously there.
"Great! Anywhere I know? LilacLace?" I pushed.
"I don't know, it's a surprise." She began to look at the
T2 section of her paper.
"Any idea what you are wearing?" (Leathers, plastics,
bondage etc?) I thought I'd pushed too far when she said:
"Funny you should say that, Estelle says she is bringing
me an outfit, cute hah?" Before I could say another word,
Angela put her head around the door.
"Alright girls? Becka have you had a look at those bloody
shoes yet? I can't work it out. Justine fetch the coffee
through in five minutes."
"Will do." Said Justine and bustled off to sort out the best
china.
I made a quick phone call to Mickey Straw.
"Excellent Darlin'." He said.
Now I've got to sort this ledger out, I never thought
Angela would look that closely at my work, after all, it's
only a few shoes and they were very lovely. There goes
my Christmas bonus!
Wonder what Jeff is up to?
Becka Martin

TRA LA LA LA LA

There is something peculiarly British about sitting
in a fetish club wearing leather trousers. I sipped my
drink through a straw and looked intently at Skinner,
this was to make him feel bold and Masterful (also I
had to do less talking-so less likely to put foot in it).
"I can't believe that I'm actually sitting here with
you." Says the bald and very lovely one.
"Me neither! Not exactly a couple are we?" I grinned
my best kick-ass smile at him. He frowned.
"What do you mean by that?" What did I mean.
"Uh, it's just I'm so normal and your a...I mean you
are so different. I'll shut up a bit." I blushed furiously,
Alan always loved me when I blushed, thought it was
funny a woman in her thirties could still be
embarrassed. Skinner continued to scowl away.
"Oh I see! You think your better them me but really
you are just a vanilla girl who likes to play spanky!"
He grinned to reveal those vampiric incisors.
But he had a point.
"I don't think I'm better at all! Normal yes." This was
rapidly going down the pan.
"We use the word vanilla, which means plain." He
sipped his lager.
"But vanilla has a delicate flavour and if you get the
real stuff, it can be quite exciting and intoxicating."
I urged.
"I'll bet!" Said Skinner and I was suddenly aware
that we were not talking about food flavours at all.
"Would you like another drink?" I asked.
"No Becka, I buy the drinks, you just sit there like
a good sweet girl." Off he trotted. Hundred years of
feminism down the swannie. Still it gave me time to
look around the bar, as usual the Goth crowd was
in full force. The fetishy ones with nipple-rings etc
A few vanilla people and..........Jeff! I nearly gagged!
The other end of the bar he sat 'The Shit' in all his
glory. When Skinner returned he could see that I
was staring.
"Oh Him! All the girls like Jeff!" Skinner laughed.
"I can imagine." I said dryly.
"Which is really very odd as he is the gayest guy
ever." Skinner added.
"No way! I have to admit I know the guy, infact we
were together for many years. He is a womanising
git but an arse-bandit he aint." I said firmly.
Skinner raised his non-existent eyebrows.
"Oh really? Hmm, well I've slept with him myself,
you would think that I would know!"
Bloody hell-the ground I stand on is shaking again.
Becka Martin

SKINNER

So here is what happened, Mickey Straw turned up
at Ruth's with GirlCop in tow (I'd have to ask her
name it was only polite).
"You two can disappear for starters!" He said to Ruth
and Alex.
"Charming!" Snarled Alex and tossed her new Kelis
curls.
"Little git." Sniped Ruth and pulled out her tongue.
"Yeah-yeah." Said Mickey and sat down on the
sofa, lighting on route a cigarette. GirlCop stared at
him avidly (was he slipping her the old truncheon or
what?) "Right Becks, we are delighted that Skinner
is taking you on a date, you will be in the right place
for a little digging!" His eyes sparkled, in that scary
way people do when they are off on one.
"How dangerous is this? Is Skinner the one you are
after? He's not the one....Pru...shit." I ran my hand
through the new and surprisingly silky locks (these
were from India apparently).
"Calm your knickers down! We have no reason to
suspect Skinner at all-though obviously you have to
be careful he may be involved. All we know for
definite and for sure is that Thrumz is a gateway
to somewhere else."
"Sounds spooky! I can hear the Dr Who music
already!" I laughed, he didn't laugh back and GirlCop
was biting her lip Ruth style.
"Don't be silly-by gateway is I think that Thrumz leads
to another darker scene. Skinner may not be involved,
but he surely knows something. This is what you have
to find out."
"Oh easy then! You expect me to do is this in one
night?" I stood with my arms akimbo (just because
it's a funny word and I like writing it).
"No! Like everything else, your going to have to
work at this, make Skinner think that you like him,
dare I say it, you might even have to have sex with
him." Mickey looked so worried-bless him!
"Oh I see." I turned (namely to hide my smile):
"He is not unattractive, maybe it wouldn't be too
bad." Go tiger!
"It's S&M though." said GirlCop:"Do you think you
will be ok? Do you want me to come with you?"
I stared at this young girl, she must have been all
of twenty-two!"
"Look hon, I'm a bit old to take a friend on a date
with me! Especially someone I don't even know
their name!"
"I'm Kate Hemming." She said primly:"I didn't
mean your date, I meant if you get further into
the scene, I'll come with you."
I looked at Mickey:"You want to watch her!"
"Yeah I know!" He said an winked.
Kate blushed furiously, me and Mickey laughed like
jaded old codgers. Which of course we are.

So that was me set for friday, so basically I had
to make Skinner think that I was the best thing since
.....nipple clamps.
He sat at a table looking as weird, sexy and crazy
as when I had seen him the last time. The only
difference is that his contact lenses were bright
red. Nice touch as if I wasn't nervous enough.
I was wearing a bustier (bustier being the operative
word as I could not be any flatter) Ruth had painted a
little brown valley down my breasts to give the illusion
of fullness. The top was a fuschia pink and as always
I wore my skanky leather trousers with completely
mental and metal high heels. With my long hair
tied into a high pony tail and my eyebrows shaved off
and drawn higher-I looked a complete bitch.
Skinner saw me and smiled.
"Ah Becka, I'd forgotten how lovely you are." He
kissed my hand ending this with a flick of his
tongue. Cute.
"You look good too Skinner, ah I mean Master
Skinner." I hated saying this so much! But it seemed
to thrill my crotch area.
"Your learning!" He said warmly and stroked my face,
his metal finger nails felt both scary and sexy on
my skin. "Would you like a drink?"
"Yeah! Thanks, I'll have a vodka with lemonade and
lime please."
I drummed my black nails on the table, how could
I keep ahead of the game, find out what Mickey
wanted and keep Skinner interested and more
importantly-stay alive?
Stay tuned.
Becka Martin

NITTY GRITTY

"Come on Becks, I never liked the bastard much
anyway!" Said Ruth enthusiastically.
"But you fucked him." Reminded Alex (always the
level-headed one in these situations).
"Oh yeah! But I didn't enjoy it and he is a bit of a loser
really." I glared at Ruth:"Sorry! I know you liked
him and all, but I expect you can do much better, the
twins for a start! They kind of work as a tag team,
a bit like synchronized swimmers with tongues."
"Alan is and will always be, the love of my life, how
does that compare to a couple of pretty boys with the
morals of alleycats?" I snapped.
"Pretty fairly actually! Love is alright, but hot sex
with the right person can be far better then all that
airy fairy stuff!" Ruth began to remove my matted
hair extensions. How I would miss them! Olga you
did not lose your hair in vain.
"Mmm, your hair is in terrible shape! I'll trim it
and put in somemore lengths." She set to work.
"We should cremate your hair, have a little ceremony
and lay it to rest-don't you think Becks?" Said Alex
thoughtfully as she licked the remainder of a
tirimisu out of it's container.
"Yeah good idea!" Said Ruth:"We can do that at the
same time we say farewell to my fucking used panty
liner- such a friend that was to me at the end of my last
period!" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.
"You are one sick little cunt Ruth!" Laughed Alex.
"Yeah? Well you two are getting sillier by the day,
haunted hair, stupid boyfriends with problems and now
we have a bonefide killer on the lose! Get a fucking grip
both of you!" Scolded Ruth, Alex looked at me and
rolled her eyes, I shrugged, whatever!
Then my mobile sounded, of all people, Master Skinner!
"Hello Becka." His voice sent shivers down my spine
(straight to somewhere much more important!)
"Hello Skinner! I've been meaning to phone you, but
I've been busy with work and stuff (murder enquiries,
boyfriend problems etc well I didn't tell him this part!)
Really glad you phoned though." I think my voice was
just a tad too keen. What do you think?
"Master Skinner to you! How many times do I have to
say it? Would you like to meet me for a drink at Thrumz?"
Yes! Yes! Yes! You can ride me like a horse! But I said:
"Maybe, sounds interesting? When were you thinking of
this?"
"No time like the present-how about tonight?" His voice
had a real spark to it, I wanted to see what was under
those leather trews!
"Um can I put you on hold a sec? Someone's at the door?"
I said and frantically looked at the girls for help.
"Oh is he the one who trussed me up like a chicken? You've
got to be joking Becks!" Said Ruth.
Alex frowned:" I can't really comment as I haven't met
or seen the bloke, just do what you want Becks!"
"Oh very helpful!" I hissed at them, right-compromise!
"Sorry about that Master:"Ruth put her fingers down her
throat and made retching sounds, I kicked her skinny arse:
"Look I'd love to go out with you tonight, but I'm really
tired, could we make it tomorrow night? Fridays always
better isn't it?" My voice did sound a bit weedy, but there
you go. "That's a shame! Look I think friday will be ok, I'll
need to check and phone you back. Take care, oh and it
suits you." His voice was delicious!
"What suits me?"
"You calling me Master, very cute. And sexy."
I blushed wildly, the girls noticed too.
"Don't get used to it!" I hung up and panted in
relief, everything with Skinner was so intense!
Before anyone could say anything, the phone rang
again.
"Look I'm not calling you Master all the time! " I
laughed.
"Should bloody hope not you daft bint!" Mickey bloody
Straw. "Mickey! What do you want?" I was not in the
mood for his foolishness or anymore police stuff.
"Becka we've bugged you phone, we just listened in to
your conversation with 'Right Said Fred', very interesting,
just what we wanted. I'm coming over."
Which was just what I did not want to hear.
Becka Martin

CRYPTIC STYLEY

"Why did she have a battery up her arse anyway?"
Said Sister-Thing Raine.
"Assault and battery? Boom boom!" I laughed.
"Very fucking funny!" Raine punched me in the arm.
"But not, sweetheart as funny as your hair!" I inhaled my
ciggie and let a stream of smoke glide through my nose
like a sexy dragon.
"Very sexy-like a diesel. Now Becka what is to happen
next? And should you be doing this blog, when Pru's
killer might be reading it?" Raine's eye's were freaking
me out.
"Hell no! Nobody reads this much anyway! I think that
it is safe (for now!) but I might do this from a cyber-cafe
just in case." See? What a hero I am!
"Are you sure you can manage without me? Turning it on,
thinking, you know, the usual?" Raine said.
"Mmm, maybe not, but I don't want to put you at risk
if I get followed, not with D and Aidan."
"Hmm, didn't think of that, I know! I'll bring my laptop
and come to you!"
"Deal!" We chinked our NY city mugs together, see the
Martin's do get it right sometimes.

Well the diddly-dealing is this-Mickey Straw wants me
to follow in Pru's footsteps, this is the girl that was following
mine! Those this sound like one of those quantum thingies
or just bloody confusing, 'cos I'll go with the latter everytime.
I first have to resolve myself to splitting up from Alan, 'cos:
1./He screwed Pru
2./He made 'The Shit' seem like Santa Claus
3./He wouldn't do the hot wax stuff
4./There is no 4 at present, but suggestions are always
appreciated.

The face on it! Alan looked as if he was the hurt party! Cheeky!
"I cannot believe that you are leaving me! Not after all
we've been through." He snarled. The twins were obviously
in hiding, but I knew that they were listening from behind
their door. Which was kind of reassuring.
"Look Alan, I love you! But you are one crazy bastard and
you've dogged me with that Pru, how could you? So consider
this anyway you want it, but I'm leaving. Ruth's on the way
to collect me."
I definitely heard the twins when I mentioned Ruth's name,
talk about besotted. Alan looked uncomfortable.
"Oh not her now! I can't stand the bitch, she is the cause of
most of this anyway." He ran his hand through his hair,
careful, I thought, it did look thinner.
"You can't blame anyone for this other then yourself, Ruth
didn't put your dick in Pru's snatch now did she?" I said
sweetly.
"Oh why do you have to talk like that!" He groaned, I heard
Quinn (I think) giggle from behind his door.
"Because swearing and being vulgar makes me feel grown
up:" The doorbell sounded:"Ruthie!"
I opened the door, meanwhile in this 5 second interlude,
the twins burst into the hall like Vogue male models and
Alan had a complete nervy. Ruthie entered as all femme
fatales do, smoking, smelling of perfume and wearing her
best 'Give it to me baby' heels.
She looked at us assembled oddities.
"Do you know, I've slept with every one of you?" She said
in her chirpy cockney voice. Well the guys didn't, Alan looked
at his cousins in disgust and the boys looked at me with new
eyes. Sexy ones.
So back to being a lodger with the girls, I haven't lived with
Ruthie and Alex for a longtime. God help me.
Becka Martin

OK-LOT'S OF ITALICS!!

Be calm, be quiet, still there? Ok. Well the Cops
didn't have anything on me, not one shred of evidence
linking me to Pru. Why was I called in? Because the incredibly
demented cow had a shrine to me in her flat! A shrine! Pictures!
Clothes (they were much better then mine) she even had
poxy hair extensions. If you had looked at her wardrobe, CD's,
life etc, you would have thought the bitch was me. I was kind of
glad she was dead-it was way too creepy to think about. Especially
after Ruthie looping out on me earlier in the year with her
stalky knickers on! What is it with me? I'm pretty average,
not that young or successful but.....
"You have a knack girl, of bringing out the looney in a guy."
This was Mickey. Alan had stormed off (again- sigh).
We sat drinking expresso's on the wall outside the Cop-Shop.
"Pru hated my guts! Really hated me, because I had Alan.
I don't know. After all, she was loaded, not bad looking, what
could I have, other then Al, that she would want?"
Mickey frowned into his drink.
"This is a real tough one Becks, we know that she was a bit
nutty copying you, one of the least stylish people on the planet!
The bottom line is that she made a new life for herself as you-
a life that backfired in the extreme. We think that someone
found her, she went somewhere and was found by someone.
We have an idea what went on."
"Mickey, tell me it wasn't Alan." I pleaded.
"It wasn't Alan." Said sexy 'Tec, although he was not smiling.
"Your just saying that!" I scoffed.
"Uh-uh, it wasn't Al. But he was shagging her alright, make
no bones about that, evidence, you see, on the sheets."
"Gross!" I shuddered, no wonder he had pissed off.
"Yeah, so the thing is hon, what do we do now?" Mickey stood
looking all Bruce Willisy and intense. I kissed his hard (chin!)
and slipped my hand into his pocket to nick some change for
my cab home.
"I don't know babe. Your the cops, it's your problem, I have
enough with Alan at the moment!"
"Becka! You daft cow! How thick are you? Talk about not reading
between the lines, do you even read at all? Pru was living your
life, acting like you. What makes you think for one second
that her killer might not make a move on you?"
"Shit!" I squeaked.
"Exactly! Now all's not lost, we think that we can protect you
if you do exactly what we say. Can you manage that?"
"Do I have any other options?"
"Not if you want to live."

Becka Martin

SHIT STREET

Alan went in for questioning early this morning, I
sat like the skanky, chain-smoking girlfriend that I am
trying to make sense of it all.
Turns out Pru was found hanging by her cleaning woman
(get her!) at first they though it was some weird, Michael
Hutchence style sex game that had got out of hand. But
apparently, she had bruises, scratches and something
inserted into her rectum that was not normally found
there. Namely a large, fucked-out battery. Nice touch. Also
there was indications that she had been dead before she was
hung. Alan's prints were found at the scene and things were
not looking good.
"Why were your prints there?" I said in a voice that implied
the police would have nothing on me if he'd fucked her.
"I keep in touch with Pru, you know that, I've nothing
to hide." I didn't like his tone at all!
"I'm not saying you offed the bitch, but they said your
mucky paws were everywhere, just what the fuck is going
on?"
"You are so selfish." He said in the kind of school teacher's
voice that made you feel like you had a skid-mark in your
pants.
"That's not working Al! I wants some answers now!" My
voice was raised to a squeaky shrill, which was not very
attractive.
"I also want some answers." I turned Mickey Straw stood
there with Girl Cop and his face was grim, not an iota of
lechery.
"Mickey! Can you make some sense of it for me? Do you
think that Alan did it?" I made girl-eyes at him.
He sighed deeply and ruffled my possessed hair.
"Rebecca Martin you are under arrest, anything you say
may be....................."


Because of situations beyond our control at
madbecka HQ we will have to suspend all
correspondence until further notice.
(About 2 weeks should do it)

Raine (Sister-thing)

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

Yep, it's true, Pru is dearly departed. We got the knock on
the door in the middle of the night, which was a shame as I
was snuggled up to Alan and tracing the hairs down that grew
on his belly. Bleary eyed, Alan struggled up and opened the
door-the Police. Really, considering the childhood I had, I should
have recognized the rapping sound that they made. Un-fucking-
mistakable. I heard subdued voices and Alan suddenly make a
wailing sound like he was choking. I hurried into the lounge,
he sat with his head between his knees and a very awkward
looking Mickey Straw had his hand on Alan's shoulder. A young
WPC stood by the door. Pretty in a school girl sort of way.
"What's going on?" I asked, I knew it was bad.
"It's Pru, she's gone!" Alan burst into wracking sobs, I have never
seen a man cry like this before and to be honest, it unnerved me a
bit.
"Gone?" I said, Mickey mimed behind Alan that Pru had hung
herself.
"Shit." I said.
"It's more then that, I'm afraid it was not cut and dried. Alan you
will have to come in for questioning." Said Mickey.
"What? You don't think that I?....." His eye's were like those of a man
who had awoken to a nightmare. Which he had.
"Is he under arrest?" I asked.
"No, just need to have a little talk with him, that's all." reassured Mickey,
the Young girl Cop nodded encouragingly. I wasn't having any of it.
"Well if Al's not under arrest, then he's staying put-you can talk to
him tomorrow." I escorted Mickey to the door. "I'll fetch him in
the morning." We stood huddled in the hall to the sound of Alan's
desperate grief.
"Listen." He whispered:" It looks like someone murdered her."
"Done her in? Why? She was so popular!" I said scathingly, too
scathingly Girl Cop's eyes honed in on me. "Only joking!"
"Not funny Becka." Said Mickey, he took my arm:"Very nasty indeed."
When cops say things like that on TV, someone else usually dies,
I did a Scooby-doo gulp.
"What happened then?" I demanded (more in a Velma style).
"Can't tell you until we've spoken to your fella. That's my final
word Beck's-other then you've got a bloody great hole in your
pants!" He kissed me on the nose before I exploded. But I did
have a hole. Shit. Girl Cop looked at me pityingly. (She was
definitely more of a Daphne).
Poor Alan, I could understand him being upset, but he was
hysterical, frenzied, scary. He must have loved her very much.
Morning could not come too soon.

Becka (Holey pants Martin)

MEN AND CIGARETTES

I've seen Alex and she looks like a slightly tired version
of Tyra Banks. All glammed up with dark circles under
her eyes, when she saw me:
"Oh Becks! I've missed you so much!" Then:"What's going
on with the hair? You look like a troll-doll."
"Never mind the hair! You alright? Ruthie filled me in."
I held her hand tightly.
"Sean is history! How could he be gay when he had me?
He says that he's always liked guys and he thought it might
work with a really pretty woman. But apparently not." Her
face was aghast, poor baby.
"I mean you never had any problems in the bedroom
department did you?" I hinted.
"Well I didn't think so! But he says that he was imagining I
was freaking Robbie Williams! Wrong colour for the start!
Men-I hate them." She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply
blowing the smoke through her nose and managing to look
mean and sexy. I would just look like a tramp.
"Men are like cigarettes, they are bad for you, they smell
and when you take them out of the packaging there's usually
not Kingsize!" I laughed, Alex smirked sadly.
"Yeah and they've always running out of filters! Ah Becks, so
much for my American dream, all in tatters. Wished you'd
come to New York, you would have liked that."
"I would have! Another time, hey I can't believe Ruth split
up with the twins, they are lovely."
"I heard about them! Hmm maybe a double date if Ruth
hasn't worn them out!" She ran a hand through her relaxed,
highlighted hair.
"Not me! Alan would kill me, maybe Ruth will relent with
them, they are rather perfect." My eyes must have had
a dreamy cast.
"You seem smitten." Said Alex quietly.
"No, just horny, Alan's going through something again, I'm
hoping it's not Pru, because I will kill the bitch this time!"

As it happens-somebody got there before me.
Becka Martin

LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP

Excuse my french, but I'm well pissed off-how could
they do this to me? Bitches from hell! No I'm not talking
about Angela and Justine, no this is my own useless
friends, Alex and Ruth-cows.
Ruth phoned me:
"Hi Becks, listen New York was great, Alex is much
better so I don't want you to worry."
"I won't-now what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Don't you ever listen to your voice-mail?"
"That would be, no, never!" I had a horrible sinking
feeling.
"Well you should! A few days back Alex had an almighty
row with Sean and they've split up! Turns out he's batting
for the other side. Had to happen, handsome, gorgeous,
kind and well dressed, did I mention he smelled nice? Well
that too, so it was only a matter of time before he realized
he was gay." Ruth sounded thoughrily excited.
"Poor Alex-how is she?" How could Sean do that to her?
"Fine now, she was in a right state though. She really tried
to get you as you are her favourite, but I managed to
meet up with her in New York of all places. We got very
pissed and shopped a lot but I think she will be ok-anyway
I've brought her back and she's crashing round mine
so you can see her tomorrow."
"I would have loved to have come to New York, shit!
Meet any nice guys?" I whined.
"I did-Alex is not ready for any of that yet. We went to an
Irish pub called The Blaggards Pub and I met a very
cute barman called Emmett!" She sounded very fluttery,
daft cow!
"Emmett? That's an odd name." I laughed.
"Yes, it's medieval." Ruth explained.
"Like Baldrick? Did you shag him?" I had to ask it.
"No, but I got very pissed and was later sick down an alley."
"That's my girl! Well I'll be seeing both you guys tomorrow-oh
what about the twins?" As she was currently shagging both
of them."I've finished with them, so they will probably come back
to stay with you and Alan. How is he by the way?"
"Apart from being disgusted with me-fine! I asked him to drip
hot wax on my naked body. He was less then impressed. He looked
at me as if I was straight from the funny farm!"
"He has a point, I think he's far too vanilla for you anyway!
Look, catch you soon!" Of she twittered, the twit!
So now I am riddled with jealousy that they got to go to NY and
also sad about Alex and Sean. He was so pretty! Why can't Alan
do the wax thingy?

Becka Martin
http://blaggardspub.com

WAX

Mad? Me? Well maybe. I phoned Master Skinner up, why-
because I have to destroy every nuance of a normal life.
"Skinner? It's Becka."
"Master Skinner, what are you phoning me for?" His voice
was less then impressed. What indeed.
"Because I'm bored."
"Bored? Ahh-what a great compliment!" His voice dripped
sarcasm.
"I meant, I thought you might have a few ideas."
"Oh I have lots of those! Call me when your in a more sensible
mood. Goodbye!" He rudely hung-up! I was fuming, but part
of me, a silly, niggly bit of my persona, liked it. I dialed him
straight back.
"Why did you hang up on me?" I demanded.
"Because you are obviously still playing." His voice was magic.
"I like to play." I said sullenly.
"Yes but you play like a child-I could teach you to play like
a woman."
"You conceited sod!" But that niggly, silly Becka-me was
intrigued.
"Even your insults are juvenile. I could teach you so much."
"Lessons from a gigolo?" I had to get that in.
"If you like-have you ever played with fire Becka? Because
that's what you are doing." His voice was silky and as slippy
as a satin g-string.
"Am I?"
"Bet you haven't even played with wax yet." He teased.
"Wax?"
"Hot wax-dripped onto your skin, I could make a perfect
droplet that would fall on your clit and you would-what
would you do Becka?" That slick voice!
"Call the police you psycho!" I laughed, but he'd got me
more then a bit hot under the collar.
"Try it yourself with a tiny candle, drizzle the wax onto your
breasts, I dare you! Lesson number one!"
He hung up again and this time, I didn't call back.
Wax? Bit pervy sounding for me, but was it really? Did I
care at all what some bald sex maniac thought I should
do? Too bloody right I did! I wondered how to broach the
subject with Alan. I'd bet he'd run for the hills, wouldn't you?
Becka Martin

UGLY NASTY RUDE ON A MONDAAAAY!!!

Mondays, love or hate them-you just can't stop them. Do I
have a problem with them? Hell yes! Today? Hell no! Because
today I capered into the office much like a spring lamb (but
prettier and less woolly). This was because 'I HAVE THE POWER!',
the power being, of course over my arch enemy Justine of the
undead and my fat, lesbian boss Angela Grade (who has a great
son). I sat there dressed super cool in a market bought suit, if you
squinted a bit, you might even think it was Prada.
I sat on my chair, swivelled around a bit, because you can do that
with a swivel chair (duh?)and waited for my lovely boss and her
bleached out hench-thing to make an entrance. See? I was even
early. When Angela finally made an appearance, I could tell that
she hadn't been sleeping well. Dark eyes, unkempt hair, pattern of
the pillow on her cheek.
"Hi." I said brightly which she ignored, how rude! A couple of
minutes later blondie crept in, eyed me the way you would a
cowpat and sat at her desk. Three silent women. Um not for long.
"Does anyone want a cup of tea?" I said.
"Not for me thanks." Said Angela.
"No." Hissed Justine through gritted teeth.
"I don't blame you-it can really make you go to the loo!" I burst
out laughing and fled up the corridor cackling wildly like an
escapee from the Happy-farm.
But like it or not, I did actually have to go back to that office,
now tell me why I can't make wisecracks at the end of the day?
Because I'm a moron, that's why.
My luck had also run out, Justine collared me in a corner.
"You! Will you cut this stuff out?" She snarled, showing acres
of teeth and quite a bit of saliva.
"Ah come on Justine! If it were me, would you leave me
alone?" I grinned at her, one day (and- it's coming) this bitch
will bust me wide open!
"No-but it's me and you've forgotten that your boss, is
actually my girlfriend! So you had better behave." She
smiled right back, about an inch from my face, if I licked her
nose I wondered, would she back off? Or just headbutt me.
Probably the latter.
"What is the deal with you and Angela? There is no fucking
way you are a lezzie, your like me girl-straight with a
few interruptions. It's for the money isn't it? Angela's paying
for some top Doc to bring you back to life."
"Shut up! I do like Angela and no, I'm not a 'lezzie' as you so
coarsely put it. I do what I want to do, your'd best stop all this
piss-taking." She closed her eyes in exasperation at what she had
said, I stifled a giggle. "I mean this constant teasing, or else
it will be worse for you." She jabbed and incredibly sharp finger
into my chest, it bloody well hurt!
"Are you threatening me?" I could not believe this small creature
could try to intimidate me, all six foot of it and succeeding!
"That's right, I might be small, but you cross me and I'll have
you." Bony appendages were removed, I could breathe again.
"Ok." I said.
"You just remember." The tilt of her head was angled with
smugness!
"I'll try to remember not to piss you off!" Then I legged it back
to the safety of Angela's bosom.

Becka

IT'S GOOD BEING ME

I feel like I've won the lottery or something! Seeing Angela
and Justine in the nud and up to watersports have put me in
the unusual position of being 'the daddy'!
Blast, I could milk this if I wanted to, but I'm far too nice a
girl!
"They were peeing on eachother?" Said Sister-thing Raine, her
small face contorted in disgust.
"Yep."
"Eeew, that's nasty." She shuddered theatrically, RADA training
would have been wasted on her, she is a natural actress.
"Yep." I agreed, very nasty and very lucky for me!
"The shame of it being caught! What did they say?"
"Angela tried to style it out saying that 'we were all adults' and
Justine being Justine ran away and locked herself in the toilet."
"She should have used it in the first place! How can that be sexy?
I really want to know." Sister-thing might be older but she can
be naive.
"It's not my bag at all, but it's kind of like S&M I think,
humiliation, degradation." I explained.
"Oh, well it's gross." Raine ran a hand through her bleached mop:
"Your life is so different to mine, I just sleep with D and my friends
are normal. You have a variety of misfits."
"Fuckwits." I corrected her.
"Fuckwits and a collection of lovers. Do you think I'm missing out
only having D?"
"No, not at all, your happy right? I would love your life if it could
be with Alan, it's just a long time coming. "
"Alan's great, like D-but crazy I guess." Raine smiled.
"Are you telling me your husband is normal?" I widened by eye's in
shock.
"Well probably not, but infinitely more normal then Alan!"
She patted me on the head and left me to stew in my juices, but
obviously not as much as Angela and Justine were stewing. And in
a different kind of juice altogether (heh-heh).
Would I use my power for good or evil? Stay tuned 'cos I don't
know myself yet.
Becka (Tena-lady) Martin

GOLDEN

Not the best time that I've had in my life, imagine this-a
people carrier, a lesbian, a zombie and a slut (moi natch!).
Talk about integration of the species, liked the car though,
a Ford Galaxy. Mostly I sat at the back, or rather sprawled
out in a semi-comatose state. Justine was far from delighted to
know that I was going on this little field trip. I knew this
because she managed to develop and fully fledged tick by the
end of it all. Angela of course was in her element, she must have
felt like a Diva or something, surrounded by 'her girls'.
We drove to Dorset to see pottery, Devon to see glass wear,
Somerset for carpentry. Not an ounce of fashion anywhere.
Angela was doing this trip as a favour to 'management',
normally she wouldn't touch crafts with a barge poll.
We stayed at various posh hotels, I have never been in so
many sauna's and because of all the rich food I can feel my
waist band straining.
Did I shag Angela again? Hell no! But I could hear Justine
pounding away every night, squealing like a puppy. It's
a wonder that Angela didn't break her.
One night we had all got rather drunk on wine, Chardonnay
I think, Justine was curling her small feet around Angela's
chunky ankles. I think I must have had an epithany .
"You know this love stuff is getting really old now." I said
belligerently, waving my wine glass around to make the
point.
"Jealous?" Cooed Justine sweetly.
"Shut up shitface! No, I'm not jealous, but I can cheerfully say
you've both put me off girls forever. So thank you."
"Becka! Why are you so aggressive? Why do you have to make
everything into a confrontation?" Demanded Angela.
"Because I can and it's fun, I think I'll turn in soon, really
had enough of Justine for one night."
"Angela! Do you have to let her talk to me like that?" Shrieked
Justine.
"I'm not her keeper, just stay awhile Becka, I've ordered some
fine brandy and chocolates."
I should have gone-really I should have, but Angela had said
'brandy' and 'chocolate', my two main vices after cigarettes.
"I'll stay for one." I said sagely.
After eating my weight in chocolate and drinking at least
a pint of brandy, I decided enough was enough.
"I'll leave you ladies now." And I did, I think I just fell asleep
where I sat at the dining table. Luckily I hadn't ordered soup.
I awoke with my tongue stuck to the pillow and my eye's
glued shut. Christ my head hurt! Then I heard the moans
and sighs coming from the bed.
Angela's room had a double bed and a single (which I was on)
the double was being used for all manner of things.
Carefully hiding behind my extensions, I peered out.
Angela, huge! Naked and sweating was buried deep into
Justine's hoo-ha. Justine equally naked and practically
luminous in her whiteness was gripping onto the bedstand.
"Angie! Oh Angie!" She shuddered suddenly and I knew that
she had came.
Next minute Angela was straddling her (Justine must have
been stronger then she looked) she stroked back the blonde's
hair, they were very hot, you could practically see the steam.
"Should we?" Said Justine impishly.
Angela looked over her shoulder at me, I tried not to move an
inch."I think it will be alright, she's well out of it."
Angela suddenly arched her back and let out the biggest stream
of piss you have ever seen. It was like a horse!
Justine acted like a crazy person as the urine splashed over her
little body.
"My turn." She said and they changed places, she pulled and
I really mean yanked her vulva upwards so that her pee rose
higher. Quite a good stream, though not much of it. She then
started to rub it into Angela's breasts frantically.
"I wouldn't want to be the chambermaid here." I said dryly
and they both turned to look at me in horror.
"Busted guys!" I sniggered.
Becka

A GOOD IDEA?

Angela phoned me again.
"Right Becka, I'm not taking no for an answer, you must
come back." She said sternly.
"Hmm, well the answers still 'no', as much as I dislike Justine
and I do really hate her, I'm not taking her job."
What a little hero I am!
"That's all very noble...."
"It is." I interrupted her.
"But my offer might make you change your tune. I will raise
your salary by 10% and you get to go on a spectacular
shopping trip!" Her voice sounded like chocolate and cream,
indulgent, fat and very bad for you. She knew me too
well.
"20% and what about Justine?"
"15% and she is staying put for now, I thought I might be
able to gently oust her later." Angela seemed happy.
"So I'll have to work with her, that's what you are saying?"
"Yes, but you will be her superior, think on that one."
I was, bloody hell imagine Justine's face! Hahahehe!
"Got yourself a deal boss lady, when do you want me to start?"
"Tomorrow and pack a few clothes as we are going away."
"What? Tomorrow is sunday, where and why?" I felt a bit
panicky, way too fast for me.
"That's my surprise, you won't need your passport though,
I'll pick you up at 7.30am, be up please and do something
with your hair!" She hung up.
Now I had to tell Alan, damn and we were getting on so
well too. Where were we going? I hoped sincerely that I
would not have to shag her again. That was Justine's job
description, hopefully I had moved on to better things.
"Alan honey, just popping around Sister-thing's for a
coffee!" I called out.
"Fine babe." He answered.
I'd talk it through with Raine first, damn-it was stalling
but it had to be done. I'm a coward.

Becka (I will write soon, god knows when!) Martin

LICKY

Oh the joy of love! Am I making you sick? I'm making me
sick, but who cares? Alan loves me and I'm his Boo again!
What could be better then that? Well.......

Angela Grade phoned me.
"Becka? Angela, I'm calling to say I'm really sorry for what
has happened and the job is yours if you want it."
Was she shitting me?
"I beg your pardon, was that an apology? I didn't quite hear
you." Fabulous to be in the position of the smug and contented.
"I just think that you should come back to work, you must need
the money, the amount you spend on alcohol and hair products.
Look, I'll level with you, it's just not working out with Justine."
I caught my breath, was the blonde and scary one losing her
touch?
"I thought you said that she was excellent. What's changed?
Don't tell me you slept with her!" I laughed I really did not
think that they had but....
"Well we did, but it was a huge mistake! She is so clingy! Like
some love-starved puppy! So licky!" I heard her groan in disgust.
"I thought that would be a good thing." I tried not to laugh:"You
must be very brave Angela, sleeping with the Undead! Was she
pale like a slug?"
"Don't be cruel! I will say this though, she was completely
hairless, it really turned me off!"
"Well she is blonde, not hairy are they? Anyway she probably
had a Hollywood or something." I giggled, really hard to keep a
straight face in this situation I can tell you!
"No-I think it was genetic, she's never had body hair apparently."
I could hear Angela shuddering again, good-the bitch!
"Well I guess that makes access that much easier, look I have
to go, make Alan brekkie, shag him senseless, the usual."
"I'll lay my cards on the table, I don't want you back as a lover
ok? Unless you want to of course, but I would really be grateful if
you could come back." Her voice was grovelly.
"Hmm, I'll consider it, bye Angela, regards to Justine!"
Whoo! Maybe I would go back but this time I would be top
doggie! Who would have put Justine down as a Licker, just
goes to show, don't judge a book by the cover.

Later, the twins crept back today, faces beaming with male
pride. "You are two rude little bastards!" I laughed, they both
leered at me. What was this twin thing? Twice as nice, or two
times as creepy, I could not work it out. That was Ruth's
problem.
Becka (The Best Martin)

CARRY ON TWINS

Spent the last couple of days with a stupid grin on my face-
that and playing Monopoly with my nephew Aidan which is
enough to turn your brain to gloop.
I had better fill you in on what went on the other night, well
after catching a cab (probably the thickest cabbie in London)
we arrived at The Twisted Gut.
I felt like a movie star with such handsome young men,
everyone stared (that would be the man with the dog on the
string and Big Shirl who tutted away like a barn owl).
I did not care one jot, the boys were obviously trying to get me
drunk to have their wicked way with me which was not
working but I was getting plenty of free booze out of it.
Then Ruth came in dressed up to the nines in a dress that
screamed 'Fuck me now!' she marched up to and jabbed a
finger in my chest.
"I thought you were dead."
"No-just in Cornwall."
"I hop you brought me back some fudge." She flicked her
fringe to get a better look at the boys.
"I did, but I ate it, it was far too good for you." I said and
sipped my brandy and coke.
"Bitch! Who are the hotties?"
"They are the twins, Quinn and Jude, hey boys this is Ruthie,
your'd better watch her."
"We are." Said Quinn and pulled Ruth into a sitting position
onto his lap.
"Cheeky!" She yelped but stayed put, somehow I ended up
perched like a budgie on Jude's lap. I think he was the sexiest
of the pair, his eyes had a devil's glint in them.
Spent an enjoyable hour wriggling around on Jude and listening
to Quinn and Ruthie bitch at eachother like an old married
couple. I was suddenly aware I was being watched, Alan stood in
the door way like a prophecy of doom. Freaked, I stood up.
"What the hell do you think you are doing you little shit?"
He snarled, I was so drunk I thought he was talking to me
(Jude actually) but I rose to the occasion (like Jude had been
doing).
"Shut up Alan! Go and talk to your middle-aged Vampire,
I've wasted far too much time with you!" Which I had.
"That's it!" Alan grabbed me up by the front of my top and
yanked me upright. "Your coming home!"
Jude and Quinn protested, Ruthie giggle and screamed like a
harpie.
"You can all go to hell, she's going home now!" Roared Alan,
boy was he pissed off. Outside was his car which he pushed
me into roughly. I Kept falling asleep on the way home, but was
all the time aware that he was seething.
When we got back to his place, he helped me in and pushed
me again roughly to the sofa. He was really acting out of
character. I liked it truth be told, it was turning me on bigtime.
"Hard man!" I giggled and stuck out my tongue, he lightly
slapped my face.
"Yeah? Like it rough do you?"
"I do." I nodded, he pulled my head back by my hair.
Next moment he was tearing and I do mean tearing my clothes
off, all my rape fantasies were coming true. He frog marched me
to his room and pushed me down to his bed, grabbing the remnants
of my top he ties my hands together. His fingers began to squirm
roughly in my panties, I could feel the elastic going, then gone.
He was quite brutal, he drove his fingers deeper, brutally stabbing
into my soft flesh. He bit my breasts with vicious little nips
devouring them. Then he turned me over and entered from behind,
I really though he was going to bugger me, luckily he didn't.
It did not last long, that much excitment never does, I felt his
back arch with passion as he came ectastically.
"I love you." I murmured, my face wet with tears and sweat.
"Then marry me and stop this foolishness."
"Was that a proposal?" I gasped.
"Might have been." He unbound my hands and stroked my
face.
"If you can make love to me like that more often, then the
answer is yes!" I kissed his long nose.
"I'll see what I can do." Then it started all over again but this
time gently, cherishing every moment.
We curled up together and slept contentedly. Sated and full.
Next day I phoned Ruth to see how her night had gone as the
twins had not come home.
"I can hardly walk for all the right reasons! What a pair-
un-fucking-believable! We did it everywhere and everywhich
way. Even a spit roast!" Ruth is so rude, that's why I like her.
"Could you tell them apart without their clothes on?"
"Yeah, Jude's dick bends to the left and Quinn's to the right!
I think I'm in love!"
"With both of them?" I gasped.
"Shame to split up such a pretty pair."
So stay tuned for the latest installment.
Becka

I HATE THAT WOMAN

Bloody Pru! Just hearing her name make's me feel
sick-Alan came back looking ruffled and flustered and
I'm not altogether sure that something might be going
on.
"What did the bitch want? You again I suppose?" I snarled
like a rottweiler. Very attractive, lots of teeth and spit
involved.
"As a matter of fact she did." He smiled at me and the very
hint of a self-satisfied smirk touched his lips sending me
over the edge.
"You told her you were with me right?" I demanded.
"I did." he said not offering anything else in return.
"You git." I muttered and grabbed my denim jacket (Diesel,
very nice) :"I'm going up the pub." You know me, always
the runaway.
"Becka, please calm down, the twins are looking at you!"
He whispered imploringly.
"Sod the twins! Sod you too, I'm off to The Twisted Gut
to see real people!" I don't know why I said that, it sounded
a bit sad, still, it was said.
I stormed off, then remembered that I would have to get a
cab, shit, I forgot that I didn't life within spitting distance
anymore.
"Hey wait up!" Said a male voice. Jude was running to catch
up with me, followed closely by Quinn.
"We thought you might like some company." (This was Jude).
The both linked arms with me, it was like being in a twin
sandwich. Kind of yummy and definitely not low fat.
"Poor Alan, I should go back, say sorry. I was totally out of
order."
"Nah, let him stew, drink with us." (This was Quinn).
So I did.
Becka

RETURN OF THE QUEEN

Mega sulking does not become me (along with haunted hair
extensions) and an unerring way of pissing Alan off. We've
only been back together for like, 2 minutes when Pru, queen-
bitch of the has-beens phones up again!
"Tell her to fuck off!" I growled, unfortunately this was in the
presence of the sexy twins. They laughed at me!
"Ssh Becka!" Said Alan:" Sorry Pru, continue, oh yes, Becka
is back." She was talking about me!
"Damn right!" I said loudly, Alan waved his hands in a theatrical
way, I ignored him. The twins tittered loudly, he glared at them.
"Do you think that's wise? I can't talk you out of it?" Alan
frowned: "Alright then, I'll meet you at The Melba in 30
minutes. Yes I understand!" He hung up and looked at me.
"I don't!" I squeaked.
"You don't what?" Said Alan, I could see the other two were
watching intently, a little drama unfolding before their eyes.
"I don't understand! Why are you seeing the horrible cow
anyway?" I sounded like a spoilt child, I did not give a toss.
"Because she wants me to! I won't be long and I'm sure the
boys will keep you amused , won't you?"
Both men affirmed this, but there was a slight redness to
Quinn's face and a twinkle in Jude's eye.
"Alan that woman is trouble." I warned.
"I know that!" He snapped and ran a hand through his hair:
"You have nothing to worry about-really."
"Everytime someone says that my life gets worse." I groaned.
"Don't be a big girl." Said Alan slamming the door as he left.
"Ah poor baby!" Said Jude and placed his arms around me,
which was not unpleasant, just unexpected. I wriggled free.
"Ah thanks boys, I'll just have a lie down."
"Fancy any company?" Said Quinn and Jude nudged him
reprovingly. I just fled.
Twins, beautiful, sexy and dead odd-these ones were at any
rate!
Becka