REBECCA!!!!
Spent sunday being looked after by Angela, she was
quite happy to do it so I let her! She liked the
administering food and the bedbath best. I do the
helpless invalid really well. When she saw my griddled
bum she frowned. I felt rather sheepish and silly.
"Did Alan do this to you?"
"I wish! No it was my Ex, Jeff."
"What is it with you and all these men Becka?" Angela
shook her head sadly.
"Beats me! I liked Jeff and had an 'unusual' relationship
with him.I was with him along time and hand on heart I was
never unfaithful! Jeff's there if I need him, physically
anyway. Alan, well that's the heartbreaker, he really
was the right guy for me and I've stuffed that one up!
Although he is not blameless in all of this." Though
I would forgive him tomorrow. Damn it.
"Are you sure you could not settle for me?" Angela,
smiled but I could feel the loneliness and deep need.
"Angela you are fantastic! You really don't want anyone
to 'settle' for you, you are worth so much more."
This seemed to please her and she went home happy,
but I've made a mental note not to encourage her anymore-
it's just not fair. I'm still not gay.
Spent this morning being a Bank Holiday dressed in
my red satin PJ's watching taped episodes of 'Most
Haunted' and remembering how happy I'd been with Alan.
We used to laugh and mock the programme, then spook
eachother out like kids when it finished! I can't
believe that I've only been with him since march and
it is already over. So there I sat, looking attractive
for a thirty-something fuckwit when there was a hammering
at the door.
She stood there like Lauren Bacall, tall blonde,
angular and smoking like a chimney. Her clothes were
vintage Prada and her lips blood red. Fuck me.
"Mother!" I squeaked.
"Don't you 'Mother'me Rebecca!"
Then she forced her way into my flat, with suitcases.
Help me!
Becka (I need all the support I can get!)
Monday, May 31, 2004
Sunday, May 30, 2004
ICE BATHS AND WET BLANKETS
My bum still feels like it's been toasted on an open
fire! Sat in a cold bath meditating, didn't work, so
ended up masturbating which had an instant effect. But
it did not solve anything. I begged Alan to come around
and he did, but I have to tell you it was not great.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey." I said. Alan looked heartbreakingly lovely, I wanted
to put my treacherous female arms around him and capture
him for keeps. It was not to be.
"What a mess Becks." He sat next me on the sofa and
gently held my hand.
"Can it be fixed?" I said ever hopefully.
"Not this time,no-I've actually tried to make a
go of it with Pru these last couple of days."
I felt my insides turn to ice again.
"No! Bloody hell Alan, but I love you!" I started
crying in a really blubby (and snotty) sort of way.
"I love you too, but it's not working out, you do
not have it in your nature to be faithful."
"I could try! Have you slept with her already?"
The look on his face showed that he had.
"Fuck you Alan! It's better when we're together, we
are happy! We belong together." I could see that he
was trying not to cry.
"It's too complicated and with Ruth involved,
it's too much for me Becks, I can't face it all."
"Did you sleep with Ruth?" I grabbed his face between
my hands and stared into his dark eyes.
"Not in the way you thought I did."
"But you did?" My breath felt wheezy like I'd been
running up hill.
"Yes I did." Alan sighed;"I really regret it and I
know that it does not sound very gentlemanly-but
it was Ruth who did all the pursuing. But I
was too weak to admit it. I guess I just made it worse."
"I can't lose you-I won't." I gripped his hands
tightly:"We've both made mistakes maybe it's time to
begin again?"
"No, I'm with Pru now."
So that was the bottom line.
We spent the afternoon just holding hands.
"Don't be a stranger?"
"Never."
To make matters worse after he had left I found
my rear was even more painful. I ended up swaddled in
a wet blanket like a Monty Phyhon take on Ghandi.
Today I have just hung around the flat like a
wraith, not eating or drinking but still puffing on
cigarettes. Angela's coming around later and the
worse bit is I don't care one way or the other.
Becka
My bum still feels like it's been toasted on an open
fire! Sat in a cold bath meditating, didn't work, so
ended up masturbating which had an instant effect. But
it did not solve anything. I begged Alan to come around
and he did, but I have to tell you it was not great.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey." I said. Alan looked heartbreakingly lovely, I wanted
to put my treacherous female arms around him and capture
him for keeps. It was not to be.
"What a mess Becks." He sat next me on the sofa and
gently held my hand.
"Can it be fixed?" I said ever hopefully.
"Not this time,no-I've actually tried to make a
go of it with Pru these last couple of days."
I felt my insides turn to ice again.
"No! Bloody hell Alan, but I love you!" I started
crying in a really blubby (and snotty) sort of way.
"I love you too, but it's not working out, you do
not have it in your nature to be faithful."
"I could try! Have you slept with her already?"
The look on his face showed that he had.
"Fuck you Alan! It's better when we're together, we
are happy! We belong together." I could see that he
was trying not to cry.
"It's too complicated and with Ruth involved,
it's too much for me Becks, I can't face it all."
"Did you sleep with Ruth?" I grabbed his face between
my hands and stared into his dark eyes.
"Not in the way you thought I did."
"But you did?" My breath felt wheezy like I'd been
running up hill.
"Yes I did." Alan sighed;"I really regret it and I
know that it does not sound very gentlemanly-but
it was Ruth who did all the pursuing. But I
was too weak to admit it. I guess I just made it worse."
"I can't lose you-I won't." I gripped his hands
tightly:"We've both made mistakes maybe it's time to
begin again?"
"No, I'm with Pru now."
So that was the bottom line.
We spent the afternoon just holding hands.
"Don't be a stranger?"
"Never."
To make matters worse after he had left I found
my rear was even more painful. I ended up swaddled in
a wet blanket like a Monty Phyhon take on Ghandi.
Today I have just hung around the flat like a
wraith, not eating or drinking but still puffing on
cigarettes. Angela's coming around later and the
worse bit is I don't care one way or the other.
Becka
Saturday, May 29, 2004
WEIRD TWO
I am conditioned to work on a saturday it is
the law. I go to work paint more faces then the whole
week put together and generally enjoy myself. I miss
Zoey, my life is now like a Missing Persons list. Alex,
Ruth, Alan and now Zoey-perhaps it's my fault. I'm too
keen and eager. Oh well. I slipped off the lease today
(meaning I escaped a deep and exploritory) with Angela
and headed to my nearest DIY which is B&Q. I had decided
to get blinds instead of my old withered curtains. But
it was on the way out that Weird One happened.
If you are reading my blog (which I doubt from the lack
of comments!) then you might recall and incident
involving old ladies swapping cars in Tesco's car park.
Talk about an upgrade-lose a Panda gain a Jag!
Well the very same ladies pulled up this time in an
ancient mini metro, out they got and did they shop?
No they did not, instead they strolled across to a
blood red Mercedes. What are they up to? I sat on Aunt
Pat's Vespa scratching my head, they had keys to the
car, but why do they always change their cars so
dramatically?
Answers in the Comments box please! Because I don't
know! Then I realized that Vespa's were really not the
right vehicle to transport the blinds home. Piss it.
I am strongly lacking in people with cars, Sisterthing
would tell me to shove it up my arse. I'm not phoning
Angela and could not bare to see Alan's reproachful eyes.
So it had to be The Shit. Give him his due, he only
kept me waiting and hour and a half. He looked sexy
and evil as usual, his eyes went to my hair and then to
my crotch.
"Why did you not get them to deliver it you silly bitch?"
He said kindly.
Well? Because I hadn't thought of it! Duh!
I had to ask him in for a coffee, it was only polite.
"I have a percolator now, how do you like your
beans?" I asked.
"You know how I like them-shaken, smashed and then
gently sucked through your teeth." As always his hand
was on his dick.
Trust him to make it sound rude and suggestive.
"Jeff!" I laughed, he stood behind me in the kitchen.
"I like your hair this short, never thought I would.
It's sexy, makes you look young and naughty. Are you
still a naughty girl?" His sharp blue eyes shone with
humour.
Weird Two.
"I am beyond naughty." And I told him about Angela.
"Bloody hell!" He muttered and roughly pulled down my
jeans.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I squeaked feebly.
"That's bad-definitely in need of some Correction."
He un-plugged the kettle.
"What are you up to?" I felt a bit scared, was he
going to really hurt me this time?
But I need not have worried, he un-hooked the flex
from the kettle socket and began to rhythmically beat me
on the buttocks with this. I'm blushing just thinking
about it!
"You are bad Becka! Say it!"
"I'm bad!"
"Are you loving it?"
"No!" I lied and he smacked me harder.
"I'm loving everything!" I was too!
He made a grunting sort of sound and the next minute
his trousers were on the floor. I should have said
No.
"Open up for the dentist man! I'm coming in!"
It was really good, tragic really, Jeff's a shit and
I'm a fuckwit. But it did clear the cobwebs away.
"I'm getting married you know." He said when we did
finally get around to having somthing to drink.
"Am I invited?"
"I don't think so! You can come to the Stag night if
you wish." His twinkling eyes promised all sorts.
"Maybe not, oh and thanks for helping me."
"Pleasures all mine."
Do I feel guilty? Hell Yes! I think I will phone Alan
tonight and arrange for us to talk this through.
I'm sore so I shall rest my sore bum in a cold bath and
see what happens. With Alan not my bum.
Becka
I am conditioned to work on a saturday it is
the law. I go to work paint more faces then the whole
week put together and generally enjoy myself. I miss
Zoey, my life is now like a Missing Persons list. Alex,
Ruth, Alan and now Zoey-perhaps it's my fault. I'm too
keen and eager. Oh well. I slipped off the lease today
(meaning I escaped a deep and exploritory) with Angela
and headed to my nearest DIY which is B&Q. I had decided
to get blinds instead of my old withered curtains. But
it was on the way out that Weird One happened.
If you are reading my blog (which I doubt from the lack
of comments!) then you might recall and incident
involving old ladies swapping cars in Tesco's car park.
Talk about an upgrade-lose a Panda gain a Jag!
Well the very same ladies pulled up this time in an
ancient mini metro, out they got and did they shop?
No they did not, instead they strolled across to a
blood red Mercedes. What are they up to? I sat on Aunt
Pat's Vespa scratching my head, they had keys to the
car, but why do they always change their cars so
dramatically?
Answers in the Comments box please! Because I don't
know! Then I realized that Vespa's were really not the
right vehicle to transport the blinds home. Piss it.
I am strongly lacking in people with cars, Sisterthing
would tell me to shove it up my arse. I'm not phoning
Angela and could not bare to see Alan's reproachful eyes.
So it had to be The Shit. Give him his due, he only
kept me waiting and hour and a half. He looked sexy
and evil as usual, his eyes went to my hair and then to
my crotch.
"Why did you not get them to deliver it you silly bitch?"
He said kindly.
Well? Because I hadn't thought of it! Duh!
I had to ask him in for a coffee, it was only polite.
"I have a percolator now, how do you like your
beans?" I asked.
"You know how I like them-shaken, smashed and then
gently sucked through your teeth." As always his hand
was on his dick.
Trust him to make it sound rude and suggestive.
"Jeff!" I laughed, he stood behind me in the kitchen.
"I like your hair this short, never thought I would.
It's sexy, makes you look young and naughty. Are you
still a naughty girl?" His sharp blue eyes shone with
humour.
Weird Two.
"I am beyond naughty." And I told him about Angela.
"Bloody hell!" He muttered and roughly pulled down my
jeans.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I squeaked feebly.
"That's bad-definitely in need of some Correction."
He un-plugged the kettle.
"What are you up to?" I felt a bit scared, was he
going to really hurt me this time?
But I need not have worried, he un-hooked the flex
from the kettle socket and began to rhythmically beat me
on the buttocks with this. I'm blushing just thinking
about it!
"You are bad Becka! Say it!"
"I'm bad!"
"Are you loving it?"
"No!" I lied and he smacked me harder.
"I'm loving everything!" I was too!
He made a grunting sort of sound and the next minute
his trousers were on the floor. I should have said
No.
"Open up for the dentist man! I'm coming in!"
It was really good, tragic really, Jeff's a shit and
I'm a fuckwit. But it did clear the cobwebs away.
"I'm getting married you know." He said when we did
finally get around to having somthing to drink.
"Am I invited?"
"I don't think so! You can come to the Stag night if
you wish." His twinkling eyes promised all sorts.
"Maybe not, oh and thanks for helping me."
"Pleasures all mine."
Do I feel guilty? Hell Yes! I think I will phone Alan
tonight and arrange for us to talk this through.
I'm sore so I shall rest my sore bum in a cold bath and
see what happens. With Alan not my bum.
Becka
Friday, May 28, 2004
ANGELA (Going down)
I love Sex in The City, really I do-it could be
written for me if:
1./I was gorgeous
2./I was rich
3./I gave a shit
4./I could shop without having panic attacks
Because I don't really match the criteria to be a
real SATC girl it does not mean that I can't learn
from the gems of knowledge it bestowed.
Like the episode when Charlotte started hanging out
with the rich lesbians and the leader of this exclusive
club said: "If you don't eat pussy then your not a dyke."
This could be said of me, I can act as butch and
reckless as anyone. I've kissed Alex and Ruth with
tongues and had a naked shower with both of them.
But at the end of the day, I really have not got the
ability to muff-munch. I'm not equipped for it.
My failing.
When Angela awoke from her sleep, she slid down the
sheets (and down on me). I hated it, really I did.
Of course I'm lying and enjoyed every moment, but I
wasn't thinking of her. Firmly inside my head was
Kevin Kline and I managed to get off on it, my orgasm
was as intense and wonderful as any other.
"Now you do me!" Enthused Angela. I got down there
and stopped, frozen (what was I doing?)she lifted
her pelvis and practically stuffed it into my face.
"Go on, eat my little pie." She cooed sweetly.
Little? Everything about Angela is generously
proportioned, muff included. I had not the heart to
disappoint her, I tried and promptly gagged.
"Are you ok?" She asked with some concern.
"In a manner of speaking." I got on with it, luckily
she was so excited it was over in a couple of seconds.
"You are an angel!" She trilled kissing me passionately.
Then why did I feel so shitty? She really was a nice
lady, she deserved better.
"Angela you do realize that I am straight don't you?"
I said quietly.
"Yes-but that's something we can get by." Angela
smiled to reveal her beautiful (big) teeth.
"I don't want to. You saw my boyfriend Alan." I was
really trying not to hurt her.
"I did." Angela chewed her lip instantly reminding me
of Ruth, I felt a pang of loneliness but pushed it
away. "Becka what ever happens we have the 'here and
now'I know I can't keep you, but we can have fun!"
She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips.
Last couple of days at work have been strange and
sad. I suppose I do care for Angela (but not in
the way she wants) I cause chaos and anarchy where
ever I go. Alan did not phone, Postie did not deliver.
I feel a mad spell coming on.
Becka
I love Sex in The City, really I do-it could be
written for me if:
1./I was gorgeous
2./I was rich
3./I gave a shit
4./I could shop without having panic attacks
Because I don't really match the criteria to be a
real SATC girl it does not mean that I can't learn
from the gems of knowledge it bestowed.
Like the episode when Charlotte started hanging out
with the rich lesbians and the leader of this exclusive
club said: "If you don't eat pussy then your not a dyke."
This could be said of me, I can act as butch and
reckless as anyone. I've kissed Alex and Ruth with
tongues and had a naked shower with both of them.
But at the end of the day, I really have not got the
ability to muff-munch. I'm not equipped for it.
My failing.
When Angela awoke from her sleep, she slid down the
sheets (and down on me). I hated it, really I did.
Of course I'm lying and enjoyed every moment, but I
wasn't thinking of her. Firmly inside my head was
Kevin Kline and I managed to get off on it, my orgasm
was as intense and wonderful as any other.
"Now you do me!" Enthused Angela. I got down there
and stopped, frozen (what was I doing?)she lifted
her pelvis and practically stuffed it into my face.
"Go on, eat my little pie." She cooed sweetly.
Little? Everything about Angela is generously
proportioned, muff included. I had not the heart to
disappoint her, I tried and promptly gagged.
"Are you ok?" She asked with some concern.
"In a manner of speaking." I got on with it, luckily
she was so excited it was over in a couple of seconds.
"You are an angel!" She trilled kissing me passionately.
Then why did I feel so shitty? She really was a nice
lady, she deserved better.
"Angela you do realize that I am straight don't you?"
I said quietly.
"Yes-but that's something we can get by." Angela
smiled to reveal her beautiful (big) teeth.
"I don't want to. You saw my boyfriend Alan." I was
really trying not to hurt her.
"I did." Angela chewed her lip instantly reminding me
of Ruth, I felt a pang of loneliness but pushed it
away. "Becka what ever happens we have the 'here and
now'I know I can't keep you, but we can have fun!"
She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips.
Last couple of days at work have been strange and
sad. I suppose I do care for Angela (but not in
the way she wants) I cause chaos and anarchy where
ever I go. Alan did not phone, Postie did not deliver.
I feel a mad spell coming on.
Becka
Thursday, May 27, 2004
HER RULES
Well yesterday was a lesson in embarrassment and
humiliation! Alan shuffled off muttering something
on the lines of:"I can't handle this!"
Sisterthing glared and took Stupidog out to the hall.
"How could you? In front of an impressional dog?"
"I don't know what happened! You have to believe me!"
I squealed.
"Yeah right! I find you naked in bed with Big Momma
and of course, nothing is going on, it never is!
No wonder people get pissed off by you! Poor Alan, he
looked so hopeful standing there with a big bunch of
lilies."
"Flowers? I didn't see any!" I felt frantic and I was
still rather naked. I was hoping up and down the hall
trying to put some jeans on.
"Pathetic Becks." Muttered Raine. "He left them in the
hall. I think you should get your priorities right
before you start another bloody relationship!"
"Got a problem with gay women have you?" Said Angela,
equally naked (perhaps more so) who had crept up
from behind of us.
"No problem at all, my problem is with Becka, not
you." Raine squinted at Angela:"For gods sake put
some clothes on both of you, your making me ill!"
She slammed the door behind her taking her dog with
her.
"What a bigot." Said Angela.
"Hey that's my sister! She's fine." I managed to find
a Fruit-of-the-loom t-shirt, one of Alan's to
cover my modesty. I felt bad and seedy.
"Did we?" I made a rude hand gesture to Angela.
She shook her head ruefully:"No you passed out!
But we have time now, maybe we could...?"
"No! We have to go to work!" I said hastily.
"I'm the boss remember, I say when we work. You
have to remember Becka you are not in a normal
9 to 5 job anymore. Some days you have to work
around the clock, others, like today you can take
it easy and rest. Come rest with me."
So with a heavy heart I followed her back into the
bedroom. All I could think about was Alan and much
to Angela's annoyance, I kept my clothes on.
"Honey you have to relax! Look lets just snuggle
and see what happens eh?" She coaxed.
Luckily before long she was snoring again. At this
rate I will lose Alan and my job! I don't think I
can have sex with her-it's really not for me!
Becka
Well yesterday was a lesson in embarrassment and
humiliation! Alan shuffled off muttering something
on the lines of:"I can't handle this!"
Sisterthing glared and took Stupidog out to the hall.
"How could you? In front of an impressional dog?"
"I don't know what happened! You have to believe me!"
I squealed.
"Yeah right! I find you naked in bed with Big Momma
and of course, nothing is going on, it never is!
No wonder people get pissed off by you! Poor Alan, he
looked so hopeful standing there with a big bunch of
lilies."
"Flowers? I didn't see any!" I felt frantic and I was
still rather naked. I was hoping up and down the hall
trying to put some jeans on.
"Pathetic Becks." Muttered Raine. "He left them in the
hall. I think you should get your priorities right
before you start another bloody relationship!"
"Got a problem with gay women have you?" Said Angela,
equally naked (perhaps more so) who had crept up
from behind of us.
"No problem at all, my problem is with Becka, not
you." Raine squinted at Angela:"For gods sake put
some clothes on both of you, your making me ill!"
She slammed the door behind her taking her dog with
her.
"What a bigot." Said Angela.
"Hey that's my sister! She's fine." I managed to find
a Fruit-of-the-loom t-shirt, one of Alan's to
cover my modesty. I felt bad and seedy.
"Did we?" I made a rude hand gesture to Angela.
She shook her head ruefully:"No you passed out!
But we have time now, maybe we could...?"
"No! We have to go to work!" I said hastily.
"I'm the boss remember, I say when we work. You
have to remember Becka you are not in a normal
9 to 5 job anymore. Some days you have to work
around the clock, others, like today you can take
it easy and rest. Come rest with me."
So with a heavy heart I followed her back into the
bedroom. All I could think about was Alan and much
to Angela's annoyance, I kept my clothes on.
"Honey you have to relax! Look lets just snuggle
and see what happens eh?" She coaxed.
Luckily before long she was snoring again. At this
rate I will lose Alan and my job! I don't think I
can have sex with her-it's really not for me!
Becka
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
SLEEPING ON ANGELA
Last night I sat down on my sofa after walking Stupidog in
Kennington Park, my legs were trembling. It could have
been the exertion, but I knew that it was my nerves. What
was expected of me? I'm not a lesbian, how am I supposed
to please the bloody bitch? This is what happens folks
when you sell your soul to the Devil, which was exactly
what I had done. My life was in the doldrums and I was
made an offer, with strings of course (the G variety)
and now I would have to settle my debts. I decided
to wear my most girliest of girls clothes, a pink
sequined dress that was cut short and tight and had been
effective with all the men in my life. I always felt
cheap and tawdry when I wore it, sleazy almost which
was just the look I was after tonight. Obviously from
the hints and the trousers, Angela wanted me to look
boy-wise. Screw that! Tonight I dug out the false eye-
lashes and painted my lids shiny white and purple
with my lips a hot pink. I looked mad with my black
hair and the vivid colours, the epitimol mod queen.
We met in the kind of wine bar which makes you wish
your'd brought your lawyer with you, everyone looked
shrewd and vampirish. Hated the place already. I saw
Angela wearing a red velvet smock thing and her hair
was piled high. She looked me up and down.
"Becka! You look gorgeous, sit next to me." She moved
about an inch so I was forced to sit nearly on her
lap.
"Snug eh?" I joked, her eyes dilated.
"Very. I think we should give this place a miss
and go straight back to mine, much nicer."
The bird that was flapping inside my chest made a
break for it and I stood up rapidly.
"No! Not Yet! It's my round what will you have?"
Yeah I know I sound common. Her disappointment
was palpable.
"If you insist I'll have the red wine, the barman
knows which one I like."
Shit shit shit shit on a stick!
Stood at the bar willing a miracle to happen,
Alan would enter, whisk me off to an indulgent life-
style and I would be happy. Didn't happen.
So I bought back our drinks and we sat talking about
work. How I was finding my new position and what was
a beautiful clever woman like myself doing with her
life? Surely I should have been married off, or
in a steady relationship by now? Well yeah!
A couple more drinks later and I was ready for
anything! Don't think wine agrees with me much.
Woke up this morning with my head resting
on Angela's vast chest! But she was smiling and I
was naked! Caught Stupidog's eye and he looked
away in embarrassment. I know how he felt. I did
not know what to say. A moment later my world
officially ended, Sisterthing let herself into
my flat with her key and she had brought Alan
with her!
"surprise! Look who I found lurking about!
Oooh fuck!"
Raine gawped and Alan's mouth nearly hit the floor.
Angela sat up straight in bed making no effort at
all to cover her sun stopping breasts.
"Hi I'm Angela, Becka's girlfriend!"
I hid under the covers, bloody hell and I could
not remember anything.
Becka
Last night I sat down on my sofa after walking Stupidog in
Kennington Park, my legs were trembling. It could have
been the exertion, but I knew that it was my nerves. What
was expected of me? I'm not a lesbian, how am I supposed
to please the bloody bitch? This is what happens folks
when you sell your soul to the Devil, which was exactly
what I had done. My life was in the doldrums and I was
made an offer, with strings of course (the G variety)
and now I would have to settle my debts. I decided
to wear my most girliest of girls clothes, a pink
sequined dress that was cut short and tight and had been
effective with all the men in my life. I always felt
cheap and tawdry when I wore it, sleazy almost which
was just the look I was after tonight. Obviously from
the hints and the trousers, Angela wanted me to look
boy-wise. Screw that! Tonight I dug out the false eye-
lashes and painted my lids shiny white and purple
with my lips a hot pink. I looked mad with my black
hair and the vivid colours, the epitimol mod queen.
We met in the kind of wine bar which makes you wish
your'd brought your lawyer with you, everyone looked
shrewd and vampirish. Hated the place already. I saw
Angela wearing a red velvet smock thing and her hair
was piled high. She looked me up and down.
"Becka! You look gorgeous, sit next to me." She moved
about an inch so I was forced to sit nearly on her
lap.
"Snug eh?" I joked, her eyes dilated.
"Very. I think we should give this place a miss
and go straight back to mine, much nicer."
The bird that was flapping inside my chest made a
break for it and I stood up rapidly.
"No! Not Yet! It's my round what will you have?"
Yeah I know I sound common. Her disappointment
was palpable.
"If you insist I'll have the red wine, the barman
knows which one I like."
Shit shit shit shit on a stick!
Stood at the bar willing a miracle to happen,
Alan would enter, whisk me off to an indulgent life-
style and I would be happy. Didn't happen.
So I bought back our drinks and we sat talking about
work. How I was finding my new position and what was
a beautiful clever woman like myself doing with her
life? Surely I should have been married off, or
in a steady relationship by now? Well yeah!
A couple more drinks later and I was ready for
anything! Don't think wine agrees with me much.
Woke up this morning with my head resting
on Angela's vast chest! But she was smiling and I
was naked! Caught Stupidog's eye and he looked
away in embarrassment. I know how he felt. I did
not know what to say. A moment later my world
officially ended, Sisterthing let herself into
my flat with her key and she had brought Alan
with her!
"surprise! Look who I found lurking about!
Oooh fuck!"
Raine gawped and Alan's mouth nearly hit the floor.
Angela sat up straight in bed making no effort at
all to cover her sun stopping breasts.
"Hi I'm Angela, Becka's girlfriend!"
I hid under the covers, bloody hell and I could
not remember anything.
Becka
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
I LOVE YOUR CUTE SIDEBURNS
I sat trying to get my head around a column of
figures and maths was never my strong point. Every
now and then Angela would say 'Your doing really well!'
In a patronizing way, but I wasn't. It was probably
harder to concentrate because she was practically sitting
on my knee. Blast. I suppose I set myself up for those
things.
"You have very downy cheeks." Said Angela in a silky
voice.
"Um, yeah, hormonal I think, I'll get them waxed
soon." How embarrassing!
"Oh no! They look so soft-and kissable." She leaned
forwards and stroked my cheek. Shit.
"I'll grab us some coffees!" I squeaked and hurried
away.
SHIT SHIT SHIT
What next?
"Would you like to come to mine for a drink
tonight?" Asked Angela in a voice that would not
take no for an answer.
"Lovely! But I must get home first and walk my
dog!"
"A dog how charming? What kind?"
"A stupid one."
I used to be strong and tough , assertive even,
but when Angela speaks my legs turn to jelly.
Perhaps all that hanky-spanky were signs that I
could be a complete pushover. I don't want to be
gay. Help!
Becka
I sat trying to get my head around a column of
figures and maths was never my strong point. Every
now and then Angela would say 'Your doing really well!'
In a patronizing way, but I wasn't. It was probably
harder to concentrate because she was practically sitting
on my knee. Blast. I suppose I set myself up for those
things.
"You have very downy cheeks." Said Angela in a silky
voice.
"Um, yeah, hormonal I think, I'll get them waxed
soon." How embarrassing!
"Oh no! They look so soft-and kissable." She leaned
forwards and stroked my cheek. Shit.
"I'll grab us some coffees!" I squeaked and hurried
away.
SHIT SHIT SHIT
What next?
"Would you like to come to mine for a drink
tonight?" Asked Angela in a voice that would not
take no for an answer.
"Lovely! But I must get home first and walk my
dog!"
"A dog how charming? What kind?"
"A stupid one."
I used to be strong and tough , assertive even,
but when Angela speaks my legs turn to jelly.
Perhaps all that hanky-spanky were signs that I
could be a complete pushover. I don't want to be
gay. Help!
Becka
Monday, May 24, 2004
THE ONE AND ONLY-ALAN
Spoke to Alan last night and it confirmed all my
doubts about phoning him in the first place!
When I told him about my new job and hinted at the
dubious nature of my boss-to-be Angela Grade he was
rather less then supportive.
"I thought you liked lesbians."
"I do, they are really cool-but I don't want to be
one!"
"Why are you encouraging her then, you are a Muff-tease!"
He chuckled deep in his throat. I told him about my
hair. He tutted and grumbled away like a spinster aunt.
"Not again Becka! So we both have shaven hair, shall
we start a new sect?"
"Cheating boyfriend arse-hole club?"
"I don't think so." But he did laugh and :"Pru's
been around, I told her to sling her hook for good.
I said that we had to work through our problems
and that she was contributing to them."
"Really? Talk about closing the stable door after
the horse has bolted! I should feel flattered, I
don't , you and these silly women have caused
all the problems in the first place!"
"What about your DC Big-Dick and 'The Shit'? They
were not standing around holding any coats you know,
they were actively participating!"
"That's different." I pursed my lips, men always pass
the buck (back to me).
"Thought it would be. Anyway if you need me you
know where I am." I did not want this to end, this
connection, but I let him go anyway.
"Probably won't need you, bye."
I resisted the urge to ask him to keep me company
after all I had Stupidog to walk. Bastard
mutt is already getting on my nerves, he's already
tried to deflower my low table.
Work today was non existent, I swear all that woman
does is lunch. No wonder she's fat. Spent all morning
watching health and safety videos and filling in forms.
Then we had a two hour lunch. Then Angela suggested
that we have a look at some oriental material in
a swatch folder, whilst telling me that I had the
bluest eyes. Hmmm. I gritted my teeth, how low could
I go? Ask Angela, I'm sure that she could find new
depths for me to sink to. Finally texted Alex back to
congratulate and scold her.
Becka (sad lonely)Martin
Spoke to Alan last night and it confirmed all my
doubts about phoning him in the first place!
When I told him about my new job and hinted at the
dubious nature of my boss-to-be Angela Grade he was
rather less then supportive.
"I thought you liked lesbians."
"I do, they are really cool-but I don't want to be
one!"
"Why are you encouraging her then, you are a Muff-tease!"
He chuckled deep in his throat. I told him about my
hair. He tutted and grumbled away like a spinster aunt.
"Not again Becka! So we both have shaven hair, shall
we start a new sect?"
"Cheating boyfriend arse-hole club?"
"I don't think so." But he did laugh and :"Pru's
been around, I told her to sling her hook for good.
I said that we had to work through our problems
and that she was contributing to them."
"Really? Talk about closing the stable door after
the horse has bolted! I should feel flattered, I
don't , you and these silly women have caused
all the problems in the first place!"
"What about your DC Big-Dick and 'The Shit'? They
were not standing around holding any coats you know,
they were actively participating!"
"That's different." I pursed my lips, men always pass
the buck (back to me).
"Thought it would be. Anyway if you need me you
know where I am." I did not want this to end, this
connection, but I let him go anyway.
"Probably won't need you, bye."
I resisted the urge to ask him to keep me company
after all I had Stupidog to walk. Bastard
mutt is already getting on my nerves, he's already
tried to deflower my low table.
Work today was non existent, I swear all that woman
does is lunch. No wonder she's fat. Spent all morning
watching health and safety videos and filling in forms.
Then we had a two hour lunch. Then Angela suggested
that we have a look at some oriental material in
a swatch folder, whilst telling me that I had the
bluest eyes. Hmmm. I gritted my teeth, how low could
I go? Ask Angela, I'm sure that she could find new
depths for me to sink to. Finally texted Alex back to
congratulate and scold her.
Becka (sad lonely)Martin
Sunday, May 23, 2004
STUPIDOG
It's no good, the lack of sleep, space and
sanity is really getting to me. I think I'll have to
take my chances with the 'postie'and go home,
not that there's been any activity in that area for
awhile. Sister-thing is lovely and so is her husband
D, Aidan is a sweetchild (apart from putting toast
in my ear) but it is the lack of privacy and Stupidog
which has made my mind up. They only have one loo which
is in the bathroom, so like:
"Becka? Aidan wants to use the loo can he come in?"
"I'm in the bath!"
"He's only 3! He's not going to look at you he just
wants to do a pee."
"Oh alright then."
Then the hell-child comes in and does the biggest,
stinkiest dump this side of an elephant!
Stupidog is the worst though, he has that name for
a really good reason. He's a myopic moron. We
found him as a stray chasing buses in the middle of
Brixton high street.
"Oh look at that stupid dog! He's going to get himself
killed!" So Raine took the daft thing home and has
had him for about five years now. He is house trained,
no accidents there, but for the best part he is hopeless.
He chews shoes, tears up the mail, never likes
going for walks much. He would much rather lay under the kitchen table eating all the wet bits Aidan drops.
Stupidog practically screams when it's time to go out.
Guess who had to walk him last night? Oh and he thinks
he's really hard, thinks he could take on a rottweiler
and a pitbull at the same time. Told you he's myopic.
In fact he's tiny not much bigger then a small Jack
Russell. Last night this guy was walking two staffies,
you know the type burberry baseball cap to cover a
lack of brain, spaced out eyes, history of GBH.
Well Stupidog really went for it didn't he? I had to
grab the foolish mutt by the throat, throw him over
my shoulder and leg it with these two staff monsters
baying like the Hound of the Baskervilles.
"You can't leave! It might not be safe! If you
must go take Stupidog with you." Said Raine.
"Sod off! He's why I'm going!"
"No I insist, I'll come around to walk him at lunch
time, so you will only have to walk him in the morning
and at night. He will be company for you."
So that's how I've managed to get home, bloody
little mutt! I have decided to phone Alan, just to
see if he's ok and to tell him about my job, new haircut
and temporary pet. God I miss him.
Becka
It's no good, the lack of sleep, space and
sanity is really getting to me. I think I'll have to
take my chances with the 'postie'and go home,
not that there's been any activity in that area for
awhile. Sister-thing is lovely and so is her husband
D, Aidan is a sweetchild (apart from putting toast
in my ear) but it is the lack of privacy and Stupidog
which has made my mind up. They only have one loo which
is in the bathroom, so like:
"Becka? Aidan wants to use the loo can he come in?"
"I'm in the bath!"
"He's only 3! He's not going to look at you he just
wants to do a pee."
"Oh alright then."
Then the hell-child comes in and does the biggest,
stinkiest dump this side of an elephant!
Stupidog is the worst though, he has that name for
a really good reason. He's a myopic moron. We
found him as a stray chasing buses in the middle of
Brixton high street.
"Oh look at that stupid dog! He's going to get himself
killed!" So Raine took the daft thing home and has
had him for about five years now. He is house trained,
no accidents there, but for the best part he is hopeless.
He chews shoes, tears up the mail, never likes
going for walks much. He would much rather lay under the kitchen table eating all the wet bits Aidan drops.
Stupidog practically screams when it's time to go out.
Guess who had to walk him last night? Oh and he thinks
he's really hard, thinks he could take on a rottweiler
and a pitbull at the same time. Told you he's myopic.
In fact he's tiny not much bigger then a small Jack
Russell. Last night this guy was walking two staffies,
you know the type burberry baseball cap to cover a
lack of brain, spaced out eyes, history of GBH.
Well Stupidog really went for it didn't he? I had to
grab the foolish mutt by the throat, throw him over
my shoulder and leg it with these two staff monsters
baying like the Hound of the Baskervilles.
"You can't leave! It might not be safe! If you
must go take Stupidog with you." Said Raine.
"Sod off! He's why I'm going!"
"No I insist, I'll come around to walk him at lunch
time, so you will only have to walk him in the morning
and at night. He will be company for you."
So that's how I've managed to get home, bloody
little mutt! I have decided to phone Alan, just to
see if he's ok and to tell him about my job, new haircut
and temporary pet. God I miss him.
Becka
Saturday, May 22, 2004
MARRIED WITHOUT BRIDESMAID
How should I feel now? Delighted for my friend's
good fortune, envious and tearful, excited even?
How about completely pissed off. What a selfish
bitch (Alex not me!) I have waited the better part of
my life in hope that I would be a bridesmaid one day
and wear a hideous peach coloured dress the size of
a house. I feel robbed. I refrained from texting her
back straight away, I would have to curb myself using
that useful tool-alcohol. But I had to choose some
clothes first, after all I had a new job to consider.
I wondered if Ruth knew, normally I would have been
on the phone to her, running Alex down and demanding
that the Bride retake her vows the minute she sets foot
on British Soil again.
Hmm, had that achy lonely feeling again (an Alan hold-
me moment). Then Angela Grade entered my changing cubicle without even calling out! Luckily I had my underwear
still on!
"Have you decided on anything yet?" She said and
fingered a navy blue Vivenne Westwood.
"No-I like it all, perhaps there is too much
choice, you decide for me." What the hell was I on?
Letting another woman ( a boss woman )choose my
clothes for me!
"Bless you! I'd be delighted." She was quite
enthusiastic, especially the way she touched my
zips and buttons (no pun intended-yeah right!).
I settled on a black Chanel trouser suit , really
special and not at all me. Also a Donna Karen jacket
and some cheaper highstreet pieces to ring the changes.
I did not like to think how much it all cost.
"Right that's you kitted out, next we need to
get you a haircut and then maybe go on to lunch?"
I really did not want anyone touching my hair
except Ruth, mind you I would not trust Ruth anywhere
near me now especially not with a sharp instrument.
I think I will aim towards growing a bob shape and start
to grow it all long again. But Angela had other ideas.
"Cut it very short with a spiky fringe." She ordered
our resident trimmer, he looked at me and rolled his
eyes.
"Hey Angela! I really want to grow my hair long
again, I don't really like short hair." I said
nervously.
"You had long hair? Impossible to imagine my dear!
Short suits you so much better and if you have a really
sharp cut it will make your eyes show all the more."
With one nod at the hairdresser he began to cut
and cut again, then he brought out the clippers!
"Wait a minute!" But too late he had cropped the hair
severely into the back of my neck.
Looking in the mirror I appeared to have morphed
into a teenage boy.
"Don't you think I look a bit butch?" Forget the
bridesmaid with this hair!
"No! Why do you say that? You look lovely, so
fresh and clean." She leaned over and smelled the
nape of my neck.
"Mmm lovely." She murmured, what hair was left
began to rise. I caught the eye of the hairdresser
again, his mouth was gaping!
After a long lunch I returned back to Sisterthing's
place. I felt awful with this hair, I would have
to invest in a wig as everytime I caught sight of myself
I felt like howling.
"Becka! Someone's stolen your hair!" Raine shrieked.
"Don't ask." I sunk into one of her squelchy
leather arm chairs.
"I don't like it to be honest Becks, you look
a bit rough." She kindly admitted.
"Say it-I look like the butchest Dyke this side
of Prisoner Cell Block H.
"Yes you do." Which was the truth and with this
little moustache that keeps making an appearance,
I was well on the way to dildo city.
I felt thoughrily miserable, when Ruth had fixed
my mad hack job I had felt feminine and sexy. I
just felt terrible now, not me at all. Bloody Angela
Grade!
Well she could pay for hair extensions! I wished I was
coming into work so that I could say goodbye to Zoey.
I bet Justine will tell her a right load of shit.
Becka
How should I feel now? Delighted for my friend's
good fortune, envious and tearful, excited even?
How about completely pissed off. What a selfish
bitch (Alex not me!) I have waited the better part of
my life in hope that I would be a bridesmaid one day
and wear a hideous peach coloured dress the size of
a house. I feel robbed. I refrained from texting her
back straight away, I would have to curb myself using
that useful tool-alcohol. But I had to choose some
clothes first, after all I had a new job to consider.
I wondered if Ruth knew, normally I would have been
on the phone to her, running Alex down and demanding
that the Bride retake her vows the minute she sets foot
on British Soil again.
Hmm, had that achy lonely feeling again (an Alan hold-
me moment). Then Angela Grade entered my changing cubicle without even calling out! Luckily I had my underwear
still on!
"Have you decided on anything yet?" She said and
fingered a navy blue Vivenne Westwood.
"No-I like it all, perhaps there is too much
choice, you decide for me." What the hell was I on?
Letting another woman ( a boss woman )choose my
clothes for me!
"Bless you! I'd be delighted." She was quite
enthusiastic, especially the way she touched my
zips and buttons (no pun intended-yeah right!).
I settled on a black Chanel trouser suit , really
special and not at all me. Also a Donna Karen jacket
and some cheaper highstreet pieces to ring the changes.
I did not like to think how much it all cost.
"Right that's you kitted out, next we need to
get you a haircut and then maybe go on to lunch?"
I really did not want anyone touching my hair
except Ruth, mind you I would not trust Ruth anywhere
near me now especially not with a sharp instrument.
I think I will aim towards growing a bob shape and start
to grow it all long again. But Angela had other ideas.
"Cut it very short with a spiky fringe." She ordered
our resident trimmer, he looked at me and rolled his
eyes.
"Hey Angela! I really want to grow my hair long
again, I don't really like short hair." I said
nervously.
"You had long hair? Impossible to imagine my dear!
Short suits you so much better and if you have a really
sharp cut it will make your eyes show all the more."
With one nod at the hairdresser he began to cut
and cut again, then he brought out the clippers!
"Wait a minute!" But too late he had cropped the hair
severely into the back of my neck.
Looking in the mirror I appeared to have morphed
into a teenage boy.
"Don't you think I look a bit butch?" Forget the
bridesmaid with this hair!
"No! Why do you say that? You look lovely, so
fresh and clean." She leaned over and smelled the
nape of my neck.
"Mmm lovely." She murmured, what hair was left
began to rise. I caught the eye of the hairdresser
again, his mouth was gaping!
After a long lunch I returned back to Sisterthing's
place. I felt awful with this hair, I would have
to invest in a wig as everytime I caught sight of myself
I felt like howling.
"Becka! Someone's stolen your hair!" Raine shrieked.
"Don't ask." I sunk into one of her squelchy
leather arm chairs.
"I don't like it to be honest Becks, you look
a bit rough." She kindly admitted.
"Say it-I look like the butchest Dyke this side
of Prisoner Cell Block H.
"Yes you do." Which was the truth and with this
little moustache that keeps making an appearance,
I was well on the way to dildo city.
I felt thoughrily miserable, when Ruth had fixed
my mad hack job I had felt feminine and sexy. I
just felt terrible now, not me at all. Bloody Angela
Grade!
Well she could pay for hair extensions! I wished I was
coming into work so that I could say goodbye to Zoey.
I bet Justine will tell her a right load of shit.
Becka
Friday, May 21, 2004
GREEN
Started work today happily sorting through
a new consignment of Ruby & Millie lipsticks
when another faceless executive edged towards
my counter.
"Miss Martin , Miss Grade has phoned through
to say that you are to finish work today. Please
make sure the counter is secure before leaving it."
"I thought I was supposed to work today and tomorrow,
have I done something wrong?" I was worried and Justine
was grinning at me like a damned chimp. I guess she
thought I was getting the sack,well it did actually
feel very much like that!
"No on the contrary, you are to go to Ladies Attire
on the second floor and choose yourself a couple of
suits. Miss Grade said to get the best." He turned
on his heel mumbling ;"Now I've got to arrange cover!"
Justine scuttled over (like a cockroach).
"Have they finally ousted you my dear?" She cooed.
"Nope. Promotion. I'm now going to be a PA!" Her face
was green.
"I see. I take it you will be working with Miss Grade?"
"Yes I will."
"Good luck! You will need it!" She laughed.
"Will you miss me?" I said.
"Yeah can't live without you!" Justine walked off
shaking her head. It was strange, in a way I would
miss her! She was part of my life for so long, the
shop, counter, customers, everything! Also I was
a bit niggled that it had been all so quickly, nobody
had got me a card, or taken me down the pub. It did not
seem fair.
I missed Alan badly, it was like a gnawing ache in
my side. Still did not have the heart to phone Alex,
she would only worry or worse still get the next flight
home. In the changing cubicle I sat down and texted her
instead.
"Hey Alex, good news I'm going to be a PA!" A couple
of minutes later when I was squeezing myself gingerly
into a Prada grey suit I received Alex's reply.
"Congrats! Sean doing , big star soon, guess what?
Married!"
Sod the suits, I need a drink!
Becka
Started work today happily sorting through
a new consignment of Ruby & Millie lipsticks
when another faceless executive edged towards
my counter.
"Miss Martin , Miss Grade has phoned through
to say that you are to finish work today. Please
make sure the counter is secure before leaving it."
"I thought I was supposed to work today and tomorrow,
have I done something wrong?" I was worried and Justine
was grinning at me like a damned chimp. I guess she
thought I was getting the sack,well it did actually
feel very much like that!
"No on the contrary, you are to go to Ladies Attire
on the second floor and choose yourself a couple of
suits. Miss Grade said to get the best." He turned
on his heel mumbling ;"Now I've got to arrange cover!"
Justine scuttled over (like a cockroach).
"Have they finally ousted you my dear?" She cooed.
"Nope. Promotion. I'm now going to be a PA!" Her face
was green.
"I see. I take it you will be working with Miss Grade?"
"Yes I will."
"Good luck! You will need it!" She laughed.
"Will you miss me?" I said.
"Yeah can't live without you!" Justine walked off
shaking her head. It was strange, in a way I would
miss her! She was part of my life for so long, the
shop, counter, customers, everything! Also I was
a bit niggled that it had been all so quickly, nobody
had got me a card, or taken me down the pub. It did not
seem fair.
I missed Alan badly, it was like a gnawing ache in
my side. Still did not have the heart to phone Alex,
she would only worry or worse still get the next flight
home. In the changing cubicle I sat down and texted her
instead.
"Hey Alex, good news I'm going to be a PA!" A couple
of minutes later when I was squeezing myself gingerly
into a Prada grey suit I received Alex's reply.
"Congrats! Sean doing , big star soon, guess what?
Married!"
Sod the suits, I need a drink!
Becka
Thursday, May 20, 2004
MEN ARE SATAN'S SPAWN (EXCEPT MY DAD)
I phoned Alan and screamed down the phone
(as you do with shifty,worthless boyfriends).
"I really thought you were different you pig!"
"You've see Ruth I take it." He sighed in a resigned
way:"I guess she's put paid to our relationship then."
"Well-yeah! Why did you think that you could have both
of us?" I shook my head in disbelief.
"There is only one woman I want."
"That's patently obvious! Ruth's escatic." I snapped.
"Ruth is a liar, I can't say any more until your
ready to hear it."
"How very cryptic! Stick the Vespa up your arse Al,
not interested in anything you can give me." That
really hurt by the way, I loved that bike!
"You are always hurting yourself Becka, don't throw
away the best thing you ever had." He pleaded.
"I admit the Vespa is perfect."
"I didn't mean the damn bike! I meant us."
"I'd hardly call us perfect, an ex wife lurking
about, hardly a catch are you?" I was obviously
styling it out, but he was near as damn it, perfect
(for me). Shit.
"Just stay in touch with me ok? Maybe everything
will work out. I'm seeing Ruth tonight, to try
to cool her down, I've never met a woman who
scared me more then her."
"Ruth?" She is tiny, pretty, non-scary." She did
say that you were coming around. She said that you
are now her boyfriend, so good luck!"
"Don't be childish, she is nothing to me, not even
a friend now. You can't see it can you? For one
moment you cannot see that I may be the victim here.
Well, take care." He hung up. Hmm. Whatever I was
on the brink of a new career and if I was lucky
Mickey Straw would catch the stalker and I could go
home. Balamory is starting to get to me, especially
Josie Jump. Much too busy.
Becka
I phoned Alan and screamed down the phone
(as you do with shifty,worthless boyfriends).
"I really thought you were different you pig!"
"You've see Ruth I take it." He sighed in a resigned
way:"I guess she's put paid to our relationship then."
"Well-yeah! Why did you think that you could have both
of us?" I shook my head in disbelief.
"There is only one woman I want."
"That's patently obvious! Ruth's escatic." I snapped.
"Ruth is a liar, I can't say any more until your
ready to hear it."
"How very cryptic! Stick the Vespa up your arse Al,
not interested in anything you can give me." That
really hurt by the way, I loved that bike!
"You are always hurting yourself Becka, don't throw
away the best thing you ever had." He pleaded.
"I admit the Vespa is perfect."
"I didn't mean the damn bike! I meant us."
"I'd hardly call us perfect, an ex wife lurking
about, hardly a catch are you?" I was obviously
styling it out, but he was near as damn it, perfect
(for me). Shit.
"Just stay in touch with me ok? Maybe everything
will work out. I'm seeing Ruth tonight, to try
to cool her down, I've never met a woman who
scared me more then her."
"Ruth?" She is tiny, pretty, non-scary." She did
say that you were coming around. She said that you
are now her boyfriend, so good luck!"
"Don't be childish, she is nothing to me, not even
a friend now. You can't see it can you? For one
moment you cannot see that I may be the victim here.
Well, take care." He hung up. Hmm. Whatever I was
on the brink of a new career and if I was lucky
Mickey Straw would catch the stalker and I could go
home. Balamory is starting to get to me, especially
Josie Jump. Much too busy.
Becka
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
NEED WANT TAKE HAVE
At Tescos yesterday afternoon I was packing shopping
in the back of the Vespa when something strange happened.
An ancient Fiat Panda pulled up in the car park next to me
and 3 elderly ladies got out. Nothing strange there right?
Well a brand spanking new Jaguar was parked opposite the
Panda they all piled into this car. Without shopping.
I kind of thought it was very Tarantino, was it some sort
of heist? What was going on? Very strange. I suppose this
set the theme for the rest of the evening. Later when I
arrived at Ruth's complete with pounding heart and
sweaty palms she met me at the door. She looked odd.
No she did not have on a negligee, backcombed hair and
a cigarette burning in an amber holder. She was totally
unsmiling and white as a sheet.
"Hi Ruth, can I come in?" I said breezily like I'd
come to borrow a cup of sugar.
"Sure." The voice was dead. My heart threatened to
explode from my chest and burst like a firework.
"Look." I said:"Alan has been saying completely crazy
stuff about you girl!" I laughed hysterically:"I just
wanted to hear your side of the story."
"What did he say?" Ruth said and looked away, her fingers
were plucking at eachother nervily.
So I told her in a joky, what-a-laugh sort of way.
"So": I finished:"What do you think of that?"
"I think he's a prick." She said softly:" All men are,
I don't want to hurt you babe that was the last thing on
my mind. But well, me and Alan are having a sort of
a 'thing' going on?"
My heart did not explode, it crystallized and crumpled.
"I see."I said tightly:"How could you Ruth? You are my
best friend!"
"I am your friend, but Alan well, he's something I
want, he's clever, handsome and funny. You never seemed
that bothered by him. It was a case of 'need want take have'.
I know it was wrong, but sometimes theses things happen.
Your'll get over him."
"He said that it was you, that he wasn't interested
at all." I was trying to deal with her contemptuous
attitude.
"To use the words of Rice-Davis ' well he would say that
wouldn't he?' grow up Becks, I know you think you've
got it made with the guys. But quite simply he preferred
me to you. You have to face it love-it's over. He's
my boyfriend now, infact he is coming around this very
night!" She beamed at me.
"You traitorous bitch!" I spat.
"Don't be like that, I'm sure we will laugh about it
one day!" Then she smiled and for the first time in
my life I wanted to hurt her, make her scream.
"You disgust me!" I snapped and stormed out, Ruth
made no attempt to stop me. I will phone Alan later,
what a snake!
Becka
At Tescos yesterday afternoon I was packing shopping
in the back of the Vespa when something strange happened.
An ancient Fiat Panda pulled up in the car park next to me
and 3 elderly ladies got out. Nothing strange there right?
Well a brand spanking new Jaguar was parked opposite the
Panda they all piled into this car. Without shopping.
I kind of thought it was very Tarantino, was it some sort
of heist? What was going on? Very strange. I suppose this
set the theme for the rest of the evening. Later when I
arrived at Ruth's complete with pounding heart and
sweaty palms she met me at the door. She looked odd.
No she did not have on a negligee, backcombed hair and
a cigarette burning in an amber holder. She was totally
unsmiling and white as a sheet.
"Hi Ruth, can I come in?" I said breezily like I'd
come to borrow a cup of sugar.
"Sure." The voice was dead. My heart threatened to
explode from my chest and burst like a firework.
"Look." I said:"Alan has been saying completely crazy
stuff about you girl!" I laughed hysterically:"I just
wanted to hear your side of the story."
"What did he say?" Ruth said and looked away, her fingers
were plucking at eachother nervily.
So I told her in a joky, what-a-laugh sort of way.
"So": I finished:"What do you think of that?"
"I think he's a prick." She said softly:" All men are,
I don't want to hurt you babe that was the last thing on
my mind. But well, me and Alan are having a sort of
a 'thing' going on?"
My heart did not explode, it crystallized and crumpled.
"I see."I said tightly:"How could you Ruth? You are my
best friend!"
"I am your friend, but Alan well, he's something I
want, he's clever, handsome and funny. You never seemed
that bothered by him. It was a case of 'need want take have'.
I know it was wrong, but sometimes theses things happen.
Your'll get over him."
"He said that it was you, that he wasn't interested
at all." I was trying to deal with her contemptuous
attitude.
"To use the words of Rice-Davis ' well he would say that
wouldn't he?' grow up Becks, I know you think you've
got it made with the guys. But quite simply he preferred
me to you. You have to face it love-it's over. He's
my boyfriend now, infact he is coming around this very
night!" She beamed at me.
"You traitorous bitch!" I spat.
"Don't be like that, I'm sure we will laugh about it
one day!" Then she smiled and for the first time in
my life I wanted to hurt her, make her scream.
"You disgust me!" I snapped and stormed out, Ruth
made no attempt to stop me. I will phone Alan later,
what a snake!
Becka
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
CONFIDE IN ME
My nerves are jangly (could be the 15 cups of
coffee I've drank) could be the fact I'm meeting
Ruth tonight for 'THE BIG TALK'. But most probably
it was the lunch time meeting with Angela Grade. To
begin with she was very late, 30 minutes, I sat in
the small cafe near where I worked waiting for her
and prantically wringing my hands in anguish. I knew
what would happen, she would turn up and I would have
to go back to work. I would look like the rude one,
even though it was her who was late. Blast. When she
did finally arrive she drifted in wearing something
that could have come from a extra-large branch of
Arabian nights. She looked good, I must say, like
a purple tent with tassels on and her blonde hair
straight and shiny, probably ironed flat.
"Oh hi Becka! I'm sorry I'm late!" She kissed me
wetly on the cheek (I really wanted to wipe myself,
but that would have been rude).
"We had better order quickly as I have to be back to
work in 25 minutes." I pulled a rueful face like the
consummate actress that I am.
"Oh I've fixed it, you have another hour and a half,
believe me Becka when you lunch with the big girls
lunch can take some time!" She laughed.
I bit my tongue hard to try to stop myself saying
something stupid.
"What will you have? Choose anything, all on the
company's expenses! Oooh I'll have a cheese and bacon
topped half pounder with wedges and salad! Yourself?"
"Um, I'll have the grilled chicken and fries."
"Nonsense! I insist you have something a bit tasty,
how about the fillet steak?" She beamed like a 100
watt bulb.
"Ok then, but I'll have a jacket potato instead of
fries in that case."
"You girls! Always watching your weight, you have
nothing to worry about." I could swear that she leered
at me and I do me a straight up ogle. I blushed, why
the fuck did this woman have this effect on me?
She talked ten to the dozen all through the meal,
then she landed one on me.
"I think Becka that I would like you to be my personal
assistant, how would that suit you?" Her eyes bored
into me shrewdly.
"I'm very flattered, really I am, but I haven't
had that kind of experience." I admitted.
"Don't worry about anything darling! I will train
you and we can always send you on a IT course. You
will be fine and we'll have so much fun!"
What could I do? I was in a dead end job at 34 and
no real prospects.
"In that case Angela, I accept!" We shook hands,
but when I went to pull away, she held onto me tightly.
"I'm going to enjoy working with closely with you."
She said in a breathy voice. You could practically
hear Sid James laugh. Fuck. When we were eating our
tirimisu she placed her hand on my knee.
"I'll take care of you." She murmured and her hand
slipped higher. I was just glad I was wearing trousers!
What would Alex have done? 'Get off me bitch!' and a
flying headbutt. I felt seedy and a bit nasty, I was
a willing victim wasn't I? I wanted this job and
Angela, from her actions had made it blatently
clear what she wanted from me. This was one secret
I would not be sharing with Sister-thing or the Fuckwits.
I was very glad when I managed to escape back to
work. I would be 'starting' with Angela from monday.
Time to invest in a chastity belt methinks! No
really! I seem to always have to pay for everything
I get. So now to prepare for Ruth, she for one
would normally have loved a fruity story like this.
I hope our friendship will survive, I really
hope that Alan is to blame. No I don't! I miss the
git already.
Becka
My nerves are jangly (could be the 15 cups of
coffee I've drank) could be the fact I'm meeting
Ruth tonight for 'THE BIG TALK'. But most probably
it was the lunch time meeting with Angela Grade. To
begin with she was very late, 30 minutes, I sat in
the small cafe near where I worked waiting for her
and prantically wringing my hands in anguish. I knew
what would happen, she would turn up and I would have
to go back to work. I would look like the rude one,
even though it was her who was late. Blast. When she
did finally arrive she drifted in wearing something
that could have come from a extra-large branch of
Arabian nights. She looked good, I must say, like
a purple tent with tassels on and her blonde hair
straight and shiny, probably ironed flat.
"Oh hi Becka! I'm sorry I'm late!" She kissed me
wetly on the cheek (I really wanted to wipe myself,
but that would have been rude).
"We had better order quickly as I have to be back to
work in 25 minutes." I pulled a rueful face like the
consummate actress that I am.
"Oh I've fixed it, you have another hour and a half,
believe me Becka when you lunch with the big girls
lunch can take some time!" She laughed.
I bit my tongue hard to try to stop myself saying
something stupid.
"What will you have? Choose anything, all on the
company's expenses! Oooh I'll have a cheese and bacon
topped half pounder with wedges and salad! Yourself?"
"Um, I'll have the grilled chicken and fries."
"Nonsense! I insist you have something a bit tasty,
how about the fillet steak?" She beamed like a 100
watt bulb.
"Ok then, but I'll have a jacket potato instead of
fries in that case."
"You girls! Always watching your weight, you have
nothing to worry about." I could swear that she leered
at me and I do me a straight up ogle. I blushed, why
the fuck did this woman have this effect on me?
She talked ten to the dozen all through the meal,
then she landed one on me.
"I think Becka that I would like you to be my personal
assistant, how would that suit you?" Her eyes bored
into me shrewdly.
"I'm very flattered, really I am, but I haven't
had that kind of experience." I admitted.
"Don't worry about anything darling! I will train
you and we can always send you on a IT course. You
will be fine and we'll have so much fun!"
What could I do? I was in a dead end job at 34 and
no real prospects.
"In that case Angela, I accept!" We shook hands,
but when I went to pull away, she held onto me tightly.
"I'm going to enjoy working with closely with you."
She said in a breathy voice. You could practically
hear Sid James laugh. Fuck. When we were eating our
tirimisu she placed her hand on my knee.
"I'll take care of you." She murmured and her hand
slipped higher. I was just glad I was wearing trousers!
What would Alex have done? 'Get off me bitch!' and a
flying headbutt. I felt seedy and a bit nasty, I was
a willing victim wasn't I? I wanted this job and
Angela, from her actions had made it blatently
clear what she wanted from me. This was one secret
I would not be sharing with Sister-thing or the Fuckwits.
I was very glad when I managed to escape back to
work. I would be 'starting' with Angela from monday.
Time to invest in a chastity belt methinks! No
really! I seem to always have to pay for everything
I get. So now to prepare for Ruth, she for one
would normally have loved a fruity story like this.
I hope our friendship will survive, I really
hope that Alan is to blame. No I don't! I miss the
git already.
Becka
Monday, May 17, 2004
RAY OF LIGHT
I lay inert on the sofa drifting in and out
of sleep to the sound of TellyTubbies. BigCook
LittleCook started and I drifted into a dream,
I was riding high on LittleCook Small's wooden
spoon, suddenly something wet and squashy was
inserted in my ear. I screamed-in the dream and
real life. My bloody nephew had placed a piece
of soggy toast into my lughole!
"Hey!" I shouted.
"Oh your awake, finally, get up you lazy cow."
Said Raine and set about dressing her son Aidan
who was grinning at me with his gappy smile. I
scowled at him.
"Do you want some breakfast?"
"Nope, I've already had some toast. Coffee would
be nice though."
"Sure would, make me one while your at it." Said
Sister-thing and winked at me. I did a bit of a
double take, with no make-up on and her hair like
a birdsnest, she looked remarkably like Bette Midler.
"I'll make you coffee if you sing 'The wind beneath
my wings'." I chuckled.
"Fuck off." She said sourly.
After a fight for the bathroom, I readied myself
for work.
"When are you going to see Ruth?"
"That would be, lets see, when hell freezes over."
I sipped my drink, ugh, it already had a skin-nasty.
"You have to face her eventually. Get it all out in
the open and deal with it." She was fighting Aidan
trying to make his wavy hair lay flat, she was losing
the battle.
"Who made you the sage of south London?"
"Go and earn some money, oh and bring back some
shopping will you?" She gave me a list the length of
her arm. Great, the Vespa would probably buckle
under the weight of it all.
At work Justine stood like an Ice Maiden, any guy
shagging her would get frostbite on his gonads.
"Hello Justine, been to any nice funerals lately?"
I smiled sweetly at her.
"The only funeral I want to go to is yours." She
pursed her lips like an old catfish.
"Ooh sweetie didn't know you cared!" I simpered.
"I don't." She snapped.
"Well I do!" Said a friendly voice, turning I
saw Angela Grade, the Madonna wannabe secret shopper
spy (try saying that when your pissed!)
"Oh hello Ms Grade." I groveled.
"Angela please!" She then said that we should do
lunch one time, maybe tomorrow? I wondered why, but
yeah I agreed.
"I might have a proposition for you." She smiled
and tapped the side of her nose (which I hate).
"Look forward to it." I said, she actually blushed
which made me feel a little uneasy. But hell at least
I wasn't getting the sack.
"Becka's got a girlfriend, Becka's got a girlfriend!"
Sang Justine .
"Fuck off you!"
"Don't you know the rumours? Angela's a big lezzie
dyke, she will snap you like a twig hon!" Justine
laughed. She went off singing Ray of Light.
Hmm, well I've already got too much to worry about,
I'm sure even if Angela is gay she will not
fancy me. Anyway, who cares? Left a message on
Ruth's phone to see if I can go to see her tomorrow
night after work. When I see her I will know. I hope.
Becka
P.s Big thanks to the people who comment(honoury
fuckwits!)
I lay inert on the sofa drifting in and out
of sleep to the sound of TellyTubbies. BigCook
LittleCook started and I drifted into a dream,
I was riding high on LittleCook Small's wooden
spoon, suddenly something wet and squashy was
inserted in my ear. I screamed-in the dream and
real life. My bloody nephew had placed a piece
of soggy toast into my lughole!
"Hey!" I shouted.
"Oh your awake, finally, get up you lazy cow."
Said Raine and set about dressing her son Aidan
who was grinning at me with his gappy smile. I
scowled at him.
"Do you want some breakfast?"
"Nope, I've already had some toast. Coffee would
be nice though."
"Sure would, make me one while your at it." Said
Sister-thing and winked at me. I did a bit of a
double take, with no make-up on and her hair like
a birdsnest, she looked remarkably like Bette Midler.
"I'll make you coffee if you sing 'The wind beneath
my wings'." I chuckled.
"Fuck off." She said sourly.
After a fight for the bathroom, I readied myself
for work.
"When are you going to see Ruth?"
"That would be, lets see, when hell freezes over."
I sipped my drink, ugh, it already had a skin-nasty.
"You have to face her eventually. Get it all out in
the open and deal with it." She was fighting Aidan
trying to make his wavy hair lay flat, she was losing
the battle.
"Who made you the sage of south London?"
"Go and earn some money, oh and bring back some
shopping will you?" She gave me a list the length of
her arm. Great, the Vespa would probably buckle
under the weight of it all.
At work Justine stood like an Ice Maiden, any guy
shagging her would get frostbite on his gonads.
"Hello Justine, been to any nice funerals lately?"
I smiled sweetly at her.
"The only funeral I want to go to is yours." She
pursed her lips like an old catfish.
"Ooh sweetie didn't know you cared!" I simpered.
"I don't." She snapped.
"Well I do!" Said a friendly voice, turning I
saw Angela Grade, the Madonna wannabe secret shopper
spy (try saying that when your pissed!)
"Oh hello Ms Grade." I groveled.
"Angela please!" She then said that we should do
lunch one time, maybe tomorrow? I wondered why, but
yeah I agreed.
"I might have a proposition for you." She smiled
and tapped the side of her nose (which I hate).
"Look forward to it." I said, she actually blushed
which made me feel a little uneasy. But hell at least
I wasn't getting the sack.
"Becka's got a girlfriend, Becka's got a girlfriend!"
Sang Justine .
"Fuck off you!"
"Don't you know the rumours? Angela's a big lezzie
dyke, she will snap you like a twig hon!" Justine
laughed. She went off singing Ray of Light.
Hmm, well I've already got too much to worry about,
I'm sure even if Angela is gay she will not
fancy me. Anyway, who cares? Left a message on
Ruth's phone to see if I can go to see her tomorrow
night after work. When I see her I will know. I hope.
Becka
P.s Big thanks to the people who comment(honoury
fuckwits!)
Sunday, May 16, 2004
CHILLED
After work yesterday, returned to Alan's to bag
up my stuff. This felt like failure-but rather then
be beaten I kept my face stony and my buttocks tight.
Whoever's fault this was, it sure wasn't mine. Ok,if
you've read this blog you will know that I'm not whiter
then white. But what Alan has done with Ruth is
sacriledge, you do not force yourself between friends.
Well, not unless they want you to, for a weird three-
some thingy!
Alan sat with me when I had finished packing, as he had
said before, sometimes all the words are used up.
I could not get over the change in him, he seemed so
worn and dare I say it, old. Without his hair and
goatee, he seemed almost invisible.
"Becka." He said barely above a whisper and his
hand tried to cover mine.
"Just leave it won't you?" I still had that cold
feeling inside like somone had turned my intestines
into ice.
"I won't leave it, never. Look speak to Ruth then
phone me." He kissed my cheek and a tear dripped onto
my face.
"Alan you are such a sissy!" I said and handed him
back the keys to the new Vespa.
"What is this? I don't want it back, it's for
you whatever happens."
"Just hold onto them for now, I'll see."
So that was how I had left him sobbing like a big
girl and acting like he was the victim. Men, they
always turn it around!
What I did not need was a visit from the postie,
however that was just what I got. As I opened my
door my feet crunched on something, gingerly I
looked down. Ugh-not nice, it looked like the contents
of someone's gut! Ugh! It was someone's gut,
someone had decided to treat me to the butcher's offal
collection, tripe, liver, guts yuk! I really
hoped that this was animal and not some sick offering
from a psychopath. Then I remembered what Mickey Straw
had said about my heart on the satellite dish.
I phoned DC Straw, but he was on voicemail so I
left a message.
Then I phoned Sister-Thing. She freaked.
"Get the hell out of there now! Come here!"
So that was what I did, later Mickey had obviously
got his message, he turned up at Raine's.
"It's been sent to the lab, it looked like your
average run of the mill tripe and innards though."
"I am relieved." I said sourly.
"Look, you will not be able to go back to your flat
until this business is finished alright? Raine will
put you up won't you?"
"Yeah 'course." She said, however I hated to impose
as she had herself, hubby, child and stupidog all
in a one bedroomed flat. I could handle one night on
the sofa, but not much more. Besides, I would get
bored with BigCook LittleCook.
I would have to find something more semi-permanent.
I almost (though not quite) felt like phoning Alan
up. After Mickey had left I told Sister-thing what
had alledgedly happened between Alan and Ruth.
"The fucking whore!" Spat Raine.
"Whoah sister! I think it was Alan's fault."
She blew a loud raspberry:"I'm not saying that he
is blameless, but I'm sure that Ruth is the one
who started all of this with him. She probably
launched herself all, Sharon Stone style at him."
"You really think that?"
"I don't like her, what do I know?" Raine began
to bustle in the kitchen like a dynamo, time to
retreat to the lounge and have a fag.
"No smoking you bitch! Go outside."
So now I am homeless and have to smoke outside
facing the elements.
Spent all of sunday in the park, did not even
go home for dinner. I wished this was all over,
the stalky thing was beginning to really scare
me and the Alan thing was too painful to think
about.
Becka
After work yesterday, returned to Alan's to bag
up my stuff. This felt like failure-but rather then
be beaten I kept my face stony and my buttocks tight.
Whoever's fault this was, it sure wasn't mine. Ok,if
you've read this blog you will know that I'm not whiter
then white. But what Alan has done with Ruth is
sacriledge, you do not force yourself between friends.
Well, not unless they want you to, for a weird three-
some thingy!
Alan sat with me when I had finished packing, as he had
said before, sometimes all the words are used up.
I could not get over the change in him, he seemed so
worn and dare I say it, old. Without his hair and
goatee, he seemed almost invisible.
"Becka." He said barely above a whisper and his
hand tried to cover mine.
"Just leave it won't you?" I still had that cold
feeling inside like somone had turned my intestines
into ice.
"I won't leave it, never. Look speak to Ruth then
phone me." He kissed my cheek and a tear dripped onto
my face.
"Alan you are such a sissy!" I said and handed him
back the keys to the new Vespa.
"What is this? I don't want it back, it's for
you whatever happens."
"Just hold onto them for now, I'll see."
So that was how I had left him sobbing like a big
girl and acting like he was the victim. Men, they
always turn it around!
What I did not need was a visit from the postie,
however that was just what I got. As I opened my
door my feet crunched on something, gingerly I
looked down. Ugh-not nice, it looked like the contents
of someone's gut! Ugh! It was someone's gut,
someone had decided to treat me to the butcher's offal
collection, tripe, liver, guts yuk! I really
hoped that this was animal and not some sick offering
from a psychopath. Then I remembered what Mickey Straw
had said about my heart on the satellite dish.
I phoned DC Straw, but he was on voicemail so I
left a message.
Then I phoned Sister-Thing. She freaked.
"Get the hell out of there now! Come here!"
So that was what I did, later Mickey had obviously
got his message, he turned up at Raine's.
"It's been sent to the lab, it looked like your
average run of the mill tripe and innards though."
"I am relieved." I said sourly.
"Look, you will not be able to go back to your flat
until this business is finished alright? Raine will
put you up won't you?"
"Yeah 'course." She said, however I hated to impose
as she had herself, hubby, child and stupidog all
in a one bedroomed flat. I could handle one night on
the sofa, but not much more. Besides, I would get
bored with BigCook LittleCook.
I would have to find something more semi-permanent.
I almost (though not quite) felt like phoning Alan
up. After Mickey had left I told Sister-thing what
had alledgedly happened between Alan and Ruth.
"The fucking whore!" Spat Raine.
"Whoah sister! I think it was Alan's fault."
She blew a loud raspberry:"I'm not saying that he
is blameless, but I'm sure that Ruth is the one
who started all of this with him. She probably
launched herself all, Sharon Stone style at him."
"You really think that?"
"I don't like her, what do I know?" Raine began
to bustle in the kitchen like a dynamo, time to
retreat to the lounge and have a fag.
"No smoking you bitch! Go outside."
So now I am homeless and have to smoke outside
facing the elements.
Spent all of sunday in the park, did not even
go home for dinner. I wished this was all over,
the stalky thing was beginning to really scare
me and the Alan thing was too painful to think
about.
Becka
Saturday, May 15, 2004
GETTING A GRIP
Although my insides felt like they had been put
through a blender, I did brave work today.
Realistically, I am a working class girl and if I don't
work, I don't eat. I kept my eyes down like a virgin
bride and tried not to look at Justine at all.
Zoey was more difficult.
"Becka! You look like shit! Big night?" She laughed.
"You could say that." I mumbled and began to clean my
counter. Almost straight away a woman appeared.
"I would like to try some make-up." She said brightly.
"What look are you trying to achieve." I said in
monotone.
She smiled at me:"I would like to look like Madonna
in the Ray of Light video!"
Zoey nearly choked on her bubblegum, I glared at
her.
"So a fresh healthy look with some shimmer?" I
suggested. I began to work, the woman was attractive,
dark blonde hair and very good skin. She was also
clinically obese. She did look good after I had
finished, like a golden Dawn French.
"There! What do you think?" I asked her. She frowned,
moved her hair around and frowned again.
"But." She said sullenly:"I don't look like Madonna."
"Listen honey we are make up artists, neither of us
attended Hogwarts or are on a direct line to god!"
I snapped, shit what the hell was I on? Zoey burst out
laughing and fled. The woman turned on me.
"How rude." She said quietly, although she did not
seem very upset at all.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean it." I said, horrified
now. My mouth will be the death of me!
"I'm actually a Secret Shopper sent from Head Office
to check the performance of the staff. My name is
Angela Grade." She grinned like a cat with a mouse
(if they grin)and like a mouse I felt squeaky.
"That's blown it." I said shakily:"Shall I get my
coat?"
"I should report you really, but." She began to
laugh:"You really are rather funny! Don't worry I
will say that you were fine."
"Why? I've messed up bigtime." I could not believe
it was the end of it.
"Lets just say, I needed a giggle alright? Look
here's my card." She proffered it to me.
"Thanks Angela and I do mean thanks!" I said
gratefully.
"No problem, Hogwarts hey?" She walked off laughing.
Zoey crept back.
"Oh that was so funny! I will have to be more careful
in future, you definitely will!" It's all so easy
at 16 right?
"I'm not cut out for working with people, really
I should just work in an office somewhere, or
better still a lighthouse."
My head was hurting through lack of sleep and
my eyes burned.
"Your not going to cry are you?" Asked Zoey whose
very eyes were already filling with tears. "Because
if you do then I will too!"
"Nope I'm fine, I'll take you at lunch time to
Starbucks ok?"
"Oooh! Can I have a milkshake?"
"Baby, anything you want." Which made her smile
and she began to hum Britney Spear's latest as
she pottered about the counter.
Still cannot get my head around what to do
next. Alan is dead in the water at this time
(at least as far as I'm concerned)but I did need
to speak to Ruth. Also sadly, this meant that I
would have to go back to my flat. I'd begun
to take a shine to Alan's. Deep joy-all I needed now
was the mad postie.
I'm sure that Ruth will be ok, won't she?
Becka
Although my insides felt like they had been put
through a blender, I did brave work today.
Realistically, I am a working class girl and if I don't
work, I don't eat. I kept my eyes down like a virgin
bride and tried not to look at Justine at all.
Zoey was more difficult.
"Becka! You look like shit! Big night?" She laughed.
"You could say that." I mumbled and began to clean my
counter. Almost straight away a woman appeared.
"I would like to try some make-up." She said brightly.
"What look are you trying to achieve." I said in
monotone.
She smiled at me:"I would like to look like Madonna
in the Ray of Light video!"
Zoey nearly choked on her bubblegum, I glared at
her.
"So a fresh healthy look with some shimmer?" I
suggested. I began to work, the woman was attractive,
dark blonde hair and very good skin. She was also
clinically obese. She did look good after I had
finished, like a golden Dawn French.
"There! What do you think?" I asked her. She frowned,
moved her hair around and frowned again.
"But." She said sullenly:"I don't look like Madonna."
"Listen honey we are make up artists, neither of us
attended Hogwarts or are on a direct line to god!"
I snapped, shit what the hell was I on? Zoey burst out
laughing and fled. The woman turned on me.
"How rude." She said quietly, although she did not
seem very upset at all.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean it." I said, horrified
now. My mouth will be the death of me!
"I'm actually a Secret Shopper sent from Head Office
to check the performance of the staff. My name is
Angela Grade." She grinned like a cat with a mouse
(if they grin)and like a mouse I felt squeaky.
"That's blown it." I said shakily:"Shall I get my
coat?"
"I should report you really, but." She began to
laugh:"You really are rather funny! Don't worry I
will say that you were fine."
"Why? I've messed up bigtime." I could not believe
it was the end of it.
"Lets just say, I needed a giggle alright? Look
here's my card." She proffered it to me.
"Thanks Angela and I do mean thanks!" I said
gratefully.
"No problem, Hogwarts hey?" She walked off laughing.
Zoey crept back.
"Oh that was so funny! I will have to be more careful
in future, you definitely will!" It's all so easy
at 16 right?
"I'm not cut out for working with people, really
I should just work in an office somewhere, or
better still a lighthouse."
My head was hurting through lack of sleep and
my eyes burned.
"Your not going to cry are you?" Asked Zoey whose
very eyes were already filling with tears. "Because
if you do then I will too!"
"Nope I'm fine, I'll take you at lunch time to
Starbucks ok?"
"Oooh! Can I have a milkshake?"
"Baby, anything you want." Which made her smile
and she began to hum Britney Spear's latest as
she pottered about the counter.
Still cannot get my head around what to do
next. Alan is dead in the water at this time
(at least as far as I'm concerned)but I did need
to speak to Ruth. Also sadly, this meant that I
would have to go back to my flat. I'd begun
to take a shine to Alan's. Deep joy-all I needed now
was the mad postie.
I'm sure that Ruth will be ok, won't she?
Becka
Friday, May 14, 2004
UGLY
I did not go to work today, I will not go
to work ever again. I will spend my life as
a tramp eating food from dustbins and drinking
Special Brew. I do not want to exist like this-
feeling betrayed and vunerable, like a snail without
it's shell. Oh I've been very good at fortifying my
shell, over the years it's got exceptionally thick and
strong. But it's been blasted away now by a double
whammy, people who you let in the closest hurt you the
most.
"Alright Becka, this is what happened." Said Alan last
night. He sat trembling on his bed looking scared, I
smiled.
"Nothing can be that bad, whatever it is, we can
work through it." I said with the stupidity of
someone making a sweeping statement.
"After you left for work the other day, you know
when we had been drinking with Ruth?"
Oh I knew what was coming.
"That Pru, she made a play for you right? She's
a bloody lunatic!" I spat, I could just imagine
her flouncing in.
Alan shut his eyes tightly.
"No, not Pru." He sighed deeply:"After you left,
Ruth came into the kitchen."
"She was way hungover!" I laughed.
"Please let me finish! She wasn't hungoverat all!
Ruth was very sober and very odd."
"What do you mean by odd?"
"She said." Another deep breath:"She said that
she was in love with me and that you were the
wrong girl for me."
This did not make sense: "Sorry?"
"Ruth said that she wanted to make love to me then
and there or else she would tell you that I had
tried it on with her."
I scanned his face for any humour, there wasn't
any.
"Fuck off! Ruth has an off-the-wall attitude
to life but she would never, ever do that to
me." I said firmly.
"She did Becka." Said Alan softly:"Then she started
to rub herself against me, I was frightened!"
"I don't believe you. Men! Always trying to ruin
the 'Fuckwit' friendships! You disgust me."
I meant it, as much as I loved Alan, Ruth and
Alex had been there for me all along, nobody would
ever manage to split us up.
"Then she got nasty and said that she would
call Alex up and say that I had touched her. She
said that I had do what she wanted, she was very
persuasive. Then she would be content and would leave
us alone." Tears rolled down his thin cheeks,
but I felt nothing for him at all, not an ounce
of compassion.
"Yeah! I believe that! My own dear friend, begging
my stunning boyfriend for sex, how big is your head
Alan? When did you wake up thinking you were Johnny
Depp and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one?"
I smiled at him, not a nice smile more like a
twisted parody.
" I could not even get it up for her, she
was so demented! I felt terrible, Ruth
is your bestfriend and she was acting like a monster!"
"Ruth is cool. So I something did happen, but probably
you assaulted her or something. Did you rape her you bastard?" I realized my voice had risen to a screech.
"No! Becka! She touched me and went down on me."
He actually blushed and shuddered , such a liar! She
is pretty and sexy, no-one would shudder!
"Poor baby!" I put on my fake 'mama' voice.
"No Becka this is serious, she's jealous of you
I think." I looked away from him, what a complete
snake.
Warning bells sounded then as I remembered Sister-
thing saying exactly the same thing.
"Anything more to say?"
"No, but think on this-I did not do anything,
she did everything to me. I've forgiven you
for the Copper, can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?"
"In your dreams buddy! Fuck off NOW!" I roared.
"Becka!" Then after a moment: This is my flat."
He looked shell-shocked.
"Not tonight it isn't, here's my keys, just
go." I felt myself rocking and drew my knees into
my chest like a child. In a minute I'd be sucking
my thumb.
I turned away and after awhile I heard the door
quietly close. My heart was hammering in my chest,
I lay back on the bed and tried to understand the
whole sorry mess. Whatever way it went, it was ugly.
I did not want to deal with it.
Becka
I did not go to work today, I will not go
to work ever again. I will spend my life as
a tramp eating food from dustbins and drinking
Special Brew. I do not want to exist like this-
feeling betrayed and vunerable, like a snail without
it's shell. Oh I've been very good at fortifying my
shell, over the years it's got exceptionally thick and
strong. But it's been blasted away now by a double
whammy, people who you let in the closest hurt you the
most.
"Alright Becka, this is what happened." Said Alan last
night. He sat trembling on his bed looking scared, I
smiled.
"Nothing can be that bad, whatever it is, we can
work through it." I said with the stupidity of
someone making a sweeping statement.
"After you left for work the other day, you know
when we had been drinking with Ruth?"
Oh I knew what was coming.
"That Pru, she made a play for you right? She's
a bloody lunatic!" I spat, I could just imagine
her flouncing in.
Alan shut his eyes tightly.
"No, not Pru." He sighed deeply:"After you left,
Ruth came into the kitchen."
"She was way hungover!" I laughed.
"Please let me finish! She wasn't hungoverat all!
Ruth was very sober and very odd."
"What do you mean by odd?"
"She said." Another deep breath:"She said that
she was in love with me and that you were the
wrong girl for me."
This did not make sense: "Sorry?"
"Ruth said that she wanted to make love to me then
and there or else she would tell you that I had
tried it on with her."
I scanned his face for any humour, there wasn't
any.
"Fuck off! Ruth has an off-the-wall attitude
to life but she would never, ever do that to
me." I said firmly.
"She did Becka." Said Alan softly:"Then she started
to rub herself against me, I was frightened!"
"I don't believe you. Men! Always trying to ruin
the 'Fuckwit' friendships! You disgust me."
I meant it, as much as I loved Alan, Ruth and
Alex had been there for me all along, nobody would
ever manage to split us up.
"Then she got nasty and said that she would
call Alex up and say that I had touched her. She
said that I had do what she wanted, she was very
persuasive. Then she would be content and would leave
us alone." Tears rolled down his thin cheeks,
but I felt nothing for him at all, not an ounce
of compassion.
"Yeah! I believe that! My own dear friend, begging
my stunning boyfriend for sex, how big is your head
Alan? When did you wake up thinking you were Johnny
Depp and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one?"
I smiled at him, not a nice smile more like a
twisted parody.
" I could not even get it up for her, she
was so demented! I felt terrible, Ruth
is your bestfriend and she was acting like a monster!"
"Ruth is cool. So I something did happen, but probably
you assaulted her or something. Did you rape her you bastard?" I realized my voice had risen to a screech.
"No! Becka! She touched me and went down on me."
He actually blushed and shuddered , such a liar! She
is pretty and sexy, no-one would shudder!
"Poor baby!" I put on my fake 'mama' voice.
"No Becka this is serious, she's jealous of you
I think." I looked away from him, what a complete
snake.
Warning bells sounded then as I remembered Sister-
thing saying exactly the same thing.
"Anything more to say?"
"No, but think on this-I did not do anything,
she did everything to me. I've forgiven you
for the Copper, can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?"
"In your dreams buddy! Fuck off NOW!" I roared.
"Becka!" Then after a moment: This is my flat."
He looked shell-shocked.
"Not tonight it isn't, here's my keys, just
go." I felt myself rocking and drew my knees into
my chest like a child. In a minute I'd be sucking
my thumb.
I turned away and after awhile I heard the door
quietly close. My heart was hammering in my chest,
I lay back on the bed and tried to understand the
whole sorry mess. Whatever way it went, it was ugly.
I did not want to deal with it.
Becka
Thursday, May 13, 2004
WHAT NEXT?
I am not cut out for the quiet life, this is
evident from my rising blood pressure and near
incontinence! I awoke suddenly at 12 last night
to see a man standing over my bed with shaved hair
and one of those awful puffa-jacket thingies!
I screamed and punched him hard in the face, in
turn he yellowed in pain, I grabbed a cactus and
launched it at his head.
"Becka! It's me!" Oh fuck me, it was Alan!
"Oh baby! I am sooo sorry! What have you done to your
hair?"
"Forget the hair! It's my nose again, how many
times is it going to break before I look like
Michael Jackson?"
"No, your much darker! Oh honey I am sorry, that
coat is unforgivable though."
"It's fine! In case you don't realize it, Scotland
is bloody cold." He sat on the end of the bed, without
his hair his face was all hard planes and sharp angles.
Handsome in a slit-your-throat sort of way.
"There is no excuse for wearing that coat and your poor
hair! After Ruth did a stirling job on it too." I held
his hand, he stiffened, easy, not in that way!
"Becka it really cut me up-you with that copper."
"I know, I did not mean it to happen! But it
made me realize just how much I want to be with you."
I took a deep breath. "Ok this is how it goes, I love
you, you bastard!"
"Becka! Really?" His eyes opened hopefully, it was
like he could not quite believe it was true.
"Don't make me say it again!" I warned.
"Alright, you've come clean so I'd better too. I
love you too right? Really more then anyone ever,
but stuff happens and you are going to have to take
a leap of faith if you want it to work for us."
I did not like the sound of this at all! I took a
deep breath.
"Go on then, tell me." And he did.
Becka
I am not cut out for the quiet life, this is
evident from my rising blood pressure and near
incontinence! I awoke suddenly at 12 last night
to see a man standing over my bed with shaved hair
and one of those awful puffa-jacket thingies!
I screamed and punched him hard in the face, in
turn he yellowed in pain, I grabbed a cactus and
launched it at his head.
"Becka! It's me!" Oh fuck me, it was Alan!
"Oh baby! I am sooo sorry! What have you done to your
hair?"
"Forget the hair! It's my nose again, how many
times is it going to break before I look like
Michael Jackson?"
"No, your much darker! Oh honey I am sorry, that
coat is unforgivable though."
"It's fine! In case you don't realize it, Scotland
is bloody cold." He sat on the end of the bed, without
his hair his face was all hard planes and sharp angles.
Handsome in a slit-your-throat sort of way.
"There is no excuse for wearing that coat and your poor
hair! After Ruth did a stirling job on it too." I held
his hand, he stiffened, easy, not in that way!
"Becka it really cut me up-you with that copper."
"I know, I did not mean it to happen! But it
made me realize just how much I want to be with you."
I took a deep breath. "Ok this is how it goes, I love
you, you bastard!"
"Becka! Really?" His eyes opened hopefully, it was
like he could not quite believe it was true.
"Don't make me say it again!" I warned.
"Alright, you've come clean so I'd better too. I
love you too right? Really more then anyone ever,
but stuff happens and you are going to have to take
a leap of faith if you want it to work for us."
I did not like the sound of this at all! I took a
deep breath.
"Go on then, tell me." And he did.
Becka
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
FLAT
(And we're not talking boobs here!) Could not
settle at all in my place last night. The sounds
that had once sent me to sleep, drunks screaming,
glass breaking, dogs howling, now seemed too loud
and too near. Alan's posh flat had spoiled me, I am
now a wannabe middle class cow. It was not something
I aspired to, but it has happened. If I start to vote
Tory and wear fucking tweed, just shoot me.
DC Straw phoned me.
"You silly tart! I don't want you to go anywhere near
that flat! You could be at risk , it could be a psycho,
I don't want any calls telling me you are dead and your
heart is pinned on top of your satellite dish!"
"Please sod off Mickey! I have to live my life, I'll
call you if anything happens. I promise!" Satellite
dish? What a sick mind that's why I like him.
"If your dead how are you going to manage that?" He
demanded.
"Derek Acorah?"
"What?" Bless him I could almost see the confusion on his simian face.
"Oh never mind!" Derek Acorah is a spiritualist medium
off of a programme called Most Haunted which you can
watch on Living TV. Very good, very funny, trust Mick
not too get it. Might be cute , but he's never been the
sharpest tool in the box. His humour veers from sick
to slapstick, give him irony and he wants his mama.
"Will you go back to Alan's?"
"Yeah-I will. But not because you asked me,
I can't sleep here, it's much too noisy and rowdy."
"Oooh get you! Rowdy! Remind me where you were educated
again love?"
"Elephant and Castle same as yourself you cheeky git!" I laughed though, you had to really.
"Personally I think this Alan is far too posh for
you, you need a bit of rough."
"Like you Mick?"
"Hmm could be!" He said in a Hong Kong Phooey
voice.
"I've had enough of rough boys sweetheart, I like
a man with a more cultured facade now."
"Facade is about right! We all are the same in
the dark!"
"And your all full of shit! I'm going to work now,
will check for post when I get back and then on
to Al's."
"Keep me 'posted'."
"Ha bloody ha!"
Becka Martin (working class hero-not a snob)
(And we're not talking boobs here!) Could not
settle at all in my place last night. The sounds
that had once sent me to sleep, drunks screaming,
glass breaking, dogs howling, now seemed too loud
and too near. Alan's posh flat had spoiled me, I am
now a wannabe middle class cow. It was not something
I aspired to, but it has happened. If I start to vote
Tory and wear fucking tweed, just shoot me.
DC Straw phoned me.
"You silly tart! I don't want you to go anywhere near
that flat! You could be at risk , it could be a psycho,
I don't want any calls telling me you are dead and your
heart is pinned on top of your satellite dish!"
"Please sod off Mickey! I have to live my life, I'll
call you if anything happens. I promise!" Satellite
dish? What a sick mind that's why I like him.
"If your dead how are you going to manage that?" He
demanded.
"Derek Acorah?"
"What?" Bless him I could almost see the confusion on his simian face.
"Oh never mind!" Derek Acorah is a spiritualist medium
off of a programme called Most Haunted which you can
watch on Living TV. Very good, very funny, trust Mick
not too get it. Might be cute , but he's never been the
sharpest tool in the box. His humour veers from sick
to slapstick, give him irony and he wants his mama.
"Will you go back to Alan's?"
"Yeah-I will. But not because you asked me,
I can't sleep here, it's much too noisy and rowdy."
"Oooh get you! Rowdy! Remind me where you were educated
again love?"
"Elephant and Castle same as yourself you cheeky git!" I laughed though, you had to really.
"Personally I think this Alan is far too posh for
you, you need a bit of rough."
"Like you Mick?"
"Hmm could be!" He said in a Hong Kong Phooey
voice.
"I've had enough of rough boys sweetheart, I like
a man with a more cultured facade now."
"Facade is about right! We all are the same in
the dark!"
"And your all full of shit! I'm going to work now,
will check for post when I get back and then on
to Al's."
"Keep me 'posted'."
"Ha bloody ha!"
Becka Martin (working class hero-not a snob)
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