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COWS

Inspite of the bombing, the worry and panic
that ensued, I found it hard it hard to believe it
had really happened. It had a strange, dream-like
quality, a waking dream. We were lucky, nobody
we know died or were injured. There were
lots of might have beens as so many people could
have traveled that day, or would have been there
if they had not had a sickie etc. Close, very close.
Not to mention all the sex me and Alan had had
on public transport lately. He's now making me
do it in parks, Mal's right I have ruined him. From
sweet guy to pervert what have I done?
I feel quite worried about what I'm going to say now,
it's piffy even after all this, but really I must, it's
driving me. I still hate Justine. I really do. Why?
Times like this you stick together, everything else
is inconsequential right? Right in theory, I practice
everyday but I'm still a shallow bitch. So big bad
wrong! Why I'm so very pissed at Justine is she's
been a bad girl.
Very bad indeed.
So bad I could kill her.
Or at least pull her hair.
She's cheating on Angela!
Already.
Dead- Girl has a bit on the side.
But what is eating me is who it is.
Ruth.
Oh yeah Dead-Girl and Luno Uno have
got it together bigtime. Bloody Ruth she just
doesn't care does she?
Angela phoned me in tears.
"Not my Ruthie!" I said in astonishment, the two
of them had barely made eye contact.
"Yes your Ruthie! Really Becka, I feel so betrayed!
I thought she loved me, I thought she cared! I feel
so old and useless, it's degrading, no offence but
your friend is a nasty little skank. What could Justine
possibly see in her?"
A tongue like silk and magic fingers?
"I agree, she has nothing on you Angie, you were a
real Power Lesbian couple. I'm sorry really." But I
felt like saying I told you so!
"What I want to know is what you are going to do
about it?" Angela's tone was harsh.
"Me? Well I'm sorry girl, I might have been crap at
my job, I might have slept with your son and ruined
your wedding , but I am in no way to blame for
this pile of shit!"
"Would money change anything?"
Aaah my favourite word.
"Of course! Why didn't you say! What do you want me
to do?" I grinned like a virgin in Ann Summers.
"Get Ruthie off my Pookie!" She snapped:"Get her away
from Justine and I swear you can have your job back,
hell have Justine's job! Just help me please."
How could I refuse? I would meet Angela for drinks
and we would see what happens.
But I felt hurt, how could Ruthie have found someone
to replace me already and especially someone I
despised so.
That was it-she was doing it out of spite.
The cows!

Becka M

LONDON EVER MORE

To all in London-my heart and love
goes out to you . Spent most of the morning
frantically phoning folk, all ok but it had been
very close for some of them. I feel sick with anger.
I don't like hating-I'm a lover not a hater!
Can't people just live their lives and get on with
it? Apparently not.

LAZYGIT

Hi guys, just going to have a little time away
from blogging. Will be back soon with fresh
and skanky Mad Becka adventures! Everything
is cool, everything is fine, no worries! See you all
soon and behave!

Rainex & Becka M

SHAG MONSTER

"People, people who need people!" Sang Mal in a
gruff Streisand drawl.
"Shut up Mal!" I kicked him softly in the groin (not
the first time) and no he's never got an erection (with
me anyway).
"I think it's precious! You've turned your beautiful
man into a bigtime pervert!" He clapped his hands
together in joy.
"I haven't have I?" I winced, I'd really enjoyed our
time in public but really it was not everything. To me
anyway.
Alan had a different take on it.
Since that day , we had shagged in a bus shelter, a car,
a park, the garden. Almost anywhere that we might get
caught. I had created a monster!
"You wanted him more adventurous and by hell he is!
He's sexier now too, even I've noticed and skinny tall
mopey men have never been my type!"
"Thanks I'll pass that on to Al, in his present state of
mind I'm sure he'll be delighted."
"Y'think? I think you should be too! But Mickey Straw!
What a man to let go! Oh I'd love to unwrap his piece!"
Mal rolled his eyes.
"Don't be crude! Mickey wasn't mine to let go, I'm glad
it's over, sod him I say!" Did I mean it? Yes I did. Ish.
Sister-thing Raine was different.
Shocked horrified and disgusted were words that sprang
to mind.
"In front of those men?" Her eyes were wide and her
mouth had that kind of chucking up edge to it.
"Yeah, but I would have done it in front of girls, I'm not
sexist." I smirked, bad move, Raine glared at me.
"It's not funny! It's sick, sure we've all had it outside
at some point." She reasoned.
"You? You've had sex? Never!" I feigned astonishment.
"Fuck off! Nobody else grandstands it the way you
do! What were you thinking? Were you thinking? In
the old days you would have been tied to a horse's
tail and dragged through the streets!"
"That would have been cool! What was it like back
then?" I teased, she was only a couple years older, but
I could really make those years count!
"It just makes me uncomfortable, I'm used to Ma and her
men, you and yours, but this is a different level, no good
can come of this. It is bad."
"Don't be that way!" I fluffed her fluffy hair, I hated it
when we fell out.
"I'm not judging you." She said.
"You so are!" I laughed.
"Well maybe a little bit, but it's only because I'm worried
for you. I'd hoped Alan would be a stabilizing influence."
She frowned, I rubbed the crease on her forehead.
"You need botox, look Alan is good really, it's just a faze,
really innocent and silly. Like being kids."
"But you are not kids." Raine said firmly.
It was just fun wasn't it?
Alan was waiting for me when I got back home.
He passed me an envelope. I smiled and opened it.
Inside was two tickets for the Tube.
I looked at him.
He grinned boyishly.
"I thought we might check out the Central Line."
Oh dear.

Becka M
p.s do not say I'm a prude-Rainex

YOU ME AND THEM

"Go down on me, give them a heart attack!" I was
really getting into this.
Alan frowned looked at the heckling, but encouraging
fools in the window and gave them a deep bow. He
stayed down.
Deep down.
It was magic.
"Go for it!" Shouted a muffled voice.
So he did.
With precision licks and nibbles, Al made a weak
woman of me, I was howling and yanking great clumps
of his hair. I was having sex naked in front of strangers!
What the fuck?
But it was good, in a goofy, nutty, crazy 'ho kind of way.
I massaged my own titties to tease my audience, one of
them saluted with his glass and another unzipped his
dick and shook it at me. I winced, not a pretty todger.
Alan abruptly stood up bent me over and rammed me
hard, brutally, deliciously against the window.
The glass was between us but a man still tried to mouth
my nipples. They were baying like dogs. Brutal, male,
sexy, dangerous.
What a racket they were making.
"Stick it to the bitch!" Shouted one.
"Crank it up man!" Said another.
Mmm, not sex talk, this was war.
War against my cunt.
Whose side was Alan on anyway?
He was grinning. I turned around and bit his cheek.
"They are starting to turn me off." I whispered.
"Not yet! This is too good!" Alan relished every thrust.
"What a slapper! Give her some more! Twist those
tits!"
Twist those tits? Aw fuck off! I stuck out my tongue
and being deft of hip swivelled so rapidly and
abruptly Alan roared as he came. I can get a guy up
but I'm also good at getting them down when I want.
And I did.
"Shows over guys!" I said.
"Doesn't have to be!" Said one of the men: "Let's bring
in the troops!"
Alan and I looked at eachother-shit they were leaving
the window, they were moving out. We could hear them
plundering through the house. They were coming.
For me.
Maybe even for Alan.
Like scared but naughty kids we legged it as we
were, Alan trousers undone, me naked in high heels.
I scooped my dress up on the way out.
I didn't stop running inspite of a few stares from people
and someone taking my photo saying:"I love London!"
In a Polish accent. At last I could slip my dress over my
sweaty skin. Home and dry.
Well maybe not dry.
Or home.
But safe. I kissed Alan.
"You really liked that didn't you?" I said.
He pulled a face :"I did. I'm as fucked as you now."
"Never." I said and hailed a black cab.

Becka M

LICKINGWINDOWS

"Marry me straight away if you like!" I said and
bodily pushed and shoved Alan into a convenient
back garden. Very Quadraphenia, very daring!
Though this was no back alley! This was Wimpole
street! Wimp-Hole, mmm, couldn't I just?
"What are you doing?" He said in a theatrical whisper:
"We will get arrested for breaking and entry!"
"Nothing is broken, I'll focus on the entry though!"
I pulled up my skirt and lowered my peach coloured
frenchies. Alan looked defeated.
"We can't, look lets get back, we can talk, we can fuck,
not here, it's so crude, so very......." His voice trailed
off as I opened my pussy with my fingers.
"Come to Momma!" I said and my inner lips mimed the
words.
Alan looked around, the garden was very pretty, Alan
Titchmarsh and Monty Don we salute you as someone
had obviously taken your words to heart. Flowers,
water features, decking (though that is passe now)
and a beautiful willow tree.
"No, my flesh is weak:" (Not from where I was standing
it wasn't!) "I simply can't do this in a back garden! It's
seedy, it's so nasty!" He winced but his bulge was showing
bigtime! Where there is a willy there is a way. The Becka
way. Come As You Are the Nirvana song could have been
written about me, if Curt had known me he would still be
here today, still be fucked up though. I would have seen to
that!
I stood with my back against the big tree, I undid my dress
and let it fall to the ground. It was humid but my nipples
stood to attention. I tweaked them.
"Becka it's not even 4 'o'clock!" Alan wailed:" We could
get seen!" But he gravitated towards me, linked and beloved,
magnetic energy between dick and hoo-ha.
"Well you had better be quick then!" I nagged.
He groaned:"You guttersnipe! Love it rough don't you?"
He entered me smoothly.
"Hey less of the guttersnipe! I'll have you know my father
is titled!" I bit his cheek and felt the bark of the tree warm
and ticklish against my bottom. I wrapped my legs around
his back and felt him lift me practically by his dick alone,
so hard was it.
Then we heard cheering-turning we saw at least six men
laughing and encouraging us from the one of the windows!
"Shit!" Said Alan, I must admit it turned me on bigtime.
"Let's really give them something to look at." I purred
into his ear.
"My god madam, what do you have in mind?"
At last he was getting it and so was I!

Becka M

READ MY LIPS

Patrick and I made it out of the club (being briefly
stopped by Ironknickers to pay the wine bill and a
fine for smoking). Next second Mickey came running
out and grabbed me tightly.
"I'll not let you fuck up our lives girl! This is our
time now!" His eyes were flashing like fireworks
and he seemed genuine. I bit my lip and thought
of Ruthie, Alan, everything. Mickey began to try
to erase everything with passion. He kissed my face,
hair and neck frantically, for a millisecond I responded.
"Quite demonstrative isn't he?" Said Patrick
sanguinely, I rolled my eyes and snapped out of it.
"No Mick, it's over, gone, finshed!" I tried to wriggle
free but his arms were now clamped around my waist
holding me captive.
"I love you I love you I love you." He said over and
over, making me feel terrible, but what could I do?
Alan was right, Mick had had many chances with
me and he chose Sharon.
Next Alan came out, his long coat flapped like
feathers of a sad bird, he caught sight of me
being tightly held by Mickey boy and flinched.
"Wait!" I said and tore myself free from the
past. But Alan didn't wait, he kept on moving,
head down, hair hanging, if he'd been 25yrs
years younger he'd have been a Goth.
"Becka!" Shouted Mickey, I ignored him and
he didn't pursue me. Patrick waved and grinned
like a fox. The old git! Mickey shook his head
and I swear I saw tears, but it might have been
a reflection or something. Tough guys don't cry-
especially hardnosed (and arsed) cops. Not my
problem, he was over and out, but my future
was running away from me.
"Will you just wait!" I panted, Alan had even longer
legs then me, he could cover some ground! I could
hardly keep up. This went on for about 10 minutes-
at one point some Japanese tourists started to follow
us as they thought we were actually going somewhere!
They took a picture of Al though, worryingly they
ignored me. Maybe they really did think he was
Professor Snape. Or Alan Rickman, that was worrying
too as Al was more then 10 years younger.
Alan began to mutter something I could not quite catch.
"Sorry?" I said.
"No point." He said tightly:"This is going to go on and
on, this mess, all of it! Had enough Becka, can't
share you anymore, let's just finish it eh? Cleanly,
lovingly." Abruptly he stopped walking and looked into
my sweaty and red face. I was not prepare and did
not look the part for grand romantic gestures. So I
did my best. Mal would have been proud of me and
Ruthie would have chucked up.
My turn. I grabbed his ratty old coat and pulled
him to me. I could make this work, it was what I wanted.
"Read my lips, I LOVE YOU, YOU BASTARD." And
kissed him soundly. His eyebrows shot up about a
foot and I felt his mouth trying to smile under mine.
A lovely thing. But I still had work to do.

To be continued................

Becka M

TIME AND SPACE (Part Twat)

I gulped and looked at Patrick for help, he shrugged,
oh great another shrugger!
I looked at Mickey Straw so damned sure he had me
by the short and curlies the cockney bastard!
I looked at Alan, his white face set and brooding.
"It is true Mickey wants me back." I said slowly.
Alan shut his eyes like he couldn't stand the pain.
"I see." He said.
"No you don't."I reached across and stroked his face,
so thin and tight like stretched leather.
"You are the one that I want." I said then realized
what I'd said! Oh shit! In my head Travolta and Newton-
John sang away, oooh oooh oooh. I blushed. Could I fuck
it up further? What cheese could I add to this spread?
Anyone for Edam?
"Sod off!" This was Mick:"He's cheated on you with
your best friend, I would never do that!"
It was true, Alan had in a moment of complete insanity
and because she was blackmailing him, shagged Ruth.
"You have cheated with me, what about your wife!
So shut up!" I snapped. Patrick lit his cigar at the table
and grinned wolfishly:"Your turn." He said to Alan.
"My turn? Oh thank you." He said his voice dripping
with sarcasm. Patrick actually laughed. "Becka this
crazy life of yours is sending me mad! Marry me or
leave me, no more in between, I've had enough of it!
You should be ashamed!" (This was to Mickey)"Call
yourself a Copper! Hardly a pillar of the community,
more like a pimp!"
Mickey's face darkened and his eyes bulged:"You have
called me Copper one too many times son!" Next minute
his fist flew across the table and connected with Alan's
jaw with a snap!"
I shrieked and grabbed Alan to stop him from falling to
the floor. Patrick was on his feet and barred the way
so that Mickey could not get near us.
"Alan!" I cried and held his head in my hands.
"Wow that hurt!" He muttered.
A woman screamed:"Call the police!"
Mickey smiled:"I am the police ma'am, nothing to see
here."
But there was, Alan started laughing as he always does
when he gets stressed.
"Detective Straw this is quite unseemly can you desist?"
Said Patrick calmly in his politician's voice.
"Let's take it outside shall we?" Said Alan and pulled
himself up. "This is what you wanted eh Becks? Two
men fighting over you. Well you got it!"
My turn to get angry.
"You silly twat! I've never wanted that! And don't
flatter me so, I know you are fighting Mick because
you hate him, so just leave me out eh? You two hate
eachother so much there must be some sort of
primal attraction!"
"Oh explain?" Said Mickey.
"Maybe you should date eachother instead! Bum
eachother and stop fucking with my head!" I stood
up and took Patrick's arm.
"I love you Alan and I will marry you, but if you think
I'm going to watch two great oafs hit eachother then you
have another thing coming! Patrick lets leave."
"Oh!" Said Patrick:"Don't spoil my fun!"
"You sound like a vampire, leave it!" I scolded.
"I don't fancy Straw, he's bloody simian!" Muttered
Alan. Mickey kissed his teeth like a Jamaican.
"You stupid cunt! Think you are so superior." His
eyes looked like fireworks reflected in a meth's
bottle. I exhaled and started to leave.
"You walk away from me girl and that's it!" Warned
Mickey, he leaned forward:"Are you forgetting your
dear darling dada? I still haven't told you everything."
"Or anything!" I whispered back.
"What are they saying?" Demanded Alan to Patrick.
"Sex stuff I should think." Said Patrick with a nod
and tapped the side of his nose.
"Mickey, screw you. Alan when you've finished acting
like an arse I'll be at your house."
We walked through the tables like people on a red
carpet, namely everyone was staring at us.
"Don't look back." Said Patrick.
"Oh god are they still fighting?" I said and winced.
"No, they are kissing." Said Patrick, I looked at him
and we both cracked up laughing. What a life!


Becka M

TIME AND SPACE (Part Duh!)

"I see." Said Patrick and shot me a look:"So you
don't want to me to ask him to join us?"
Patrick had a mischievous sparkle in his eye, I
glared at him.
Alan jolted like he'd had an electric shot:"Go on then!
Ask the big Copper over, I'm sure Becka will be really
pleased!" The napkin was getting it now, twisted into
what looked like a noose-oh dear!
"Please don't!" I said and took a huge gulp of red wine.
But Mickey had been watching us, he swaggered
over like a wide-boy on a saturday night. He smiled at
Patrick, smirked at Alan and leered at me!
"Join us Michael." Said Patrick, this was the first time
since meeting my father that I was less then delighted,
he was acting like an arse!
"Don't mind if I do!" Mickey sat legs open wide,
absolutely the most alive and vigorous person in
the room. I felt Alan tense like a spring next to me, I
touched his hand, he was so into eyeballing Mickey
my touch made his hand jump and knock the
carafe of red wine everywhere! We looked as the red
seeped across the pristine linen, Patrick and Mickey
laughed, Alan was mortified, I was pissed off.
"Calm down!" I whispered into Alan's ear.
"Yeah! Hey presto I'm calm, look I'm sitting with
your Truncheon buddy and everything is cool!"
Alan hissed back.
A waiter quickly changed the cloth, Patrick scanned
the menu and Mickey was still giggling into his
sleeve. He pretended to cough: "Nnnnerrrd!"
It sounded like! Alan did not miss it though.
"Becka I'm sorry but really-how could you sleep
with this big ape?"
"Oh!" I said, why did I have to be dragged into this
shit? Ok ok it's all my fault-but even so!
"She said that often!" Said Mickey.
"Mick!" I said aghast.
"Too much information." Said Patrick:"I'm going
for a smoke, Rebecca if they start to fight, call
for me, I'd hate to miss anything interesting!"
"Oh like I'd fight Professor Snape here!" Laughed
Mickey cruelly and it was wrong, Alan deserved
better then that.
"You are acting like a wanker Mick! Alan go with
Patrick and have a cigarette."
"So you want to be alone with Bodie, now I
understand!"
"I just want you to calm down that's all!" I pleaded.
Patrick still hovered, really he was acting up!
"Just answer me this Detective Straw, if you care
so bloody much for Becka why did you marry
Sharon? You could have been with Becka from
school, but she's never been quite good enough
for you has she?" Alan was shaking.
Mickey stood and for once his grin was gone, his
eyes like ice.
"I'm not perfect, mistakes were made. But I
want Becka back properly, marriage even! Oh she
didn't tell you?" The grin rose triumphantly.
Alan turned to look at me.
"Say it isn't so!"
Patrick rubbed his hands together with glee.
"It's true, he does want me back." I said tightly.
"That's my girl!" Said Mickey.
Alan's mouth fell open-what happened next
oooh soon!

Becka M

TIME AND SPACE (Part uh!)

That was what I needed, time to sort out my
stupid head, space to figure out if a marriage
proposal was what I wanted. So I stalled.
"I want you to meet my father properly." I
said;"You might not want to be related to him."
Poor Patrick! So maligned because I could never
say yes to anything other then a shag!
"Oh God! You want me to ask him for your
hand don't you?" Said Alan aghast.
"No." I shook my head:"Just meet him, it's
important for me to know that you will get
along. Then I will give you my answer."
"Say we don't? Say we hate eachother's
cologne or something?" Alan's dark eyes
drove into me, he knew I was stalling.
"You both smell good, it won't be a problem."
I assured him.
"You are a cow." He said sadly, but yes I'd
talked him around and he would lunch with
Patrick and it would be all jolly good fun!
But it wasn't, it was shit!
We met in a swish private club, Tory of course,
where the receptionist was a woman with steely
eyes and hair and a bad case of pomposity.
"Yahs?" She said like a Sloane victim.
"We are here to lunch with Sir Patrick Beamish."
I said in my best pretend voice. She looked at
me doubtfully and pityingly at Alan.
"Rebecca Martin and guest?" She said looking
at my Primark dress and Alan's usual black/black
garb.
"That's us." I confirmed, I felt my head start to
sweat.
"If you would like to follow me through?" She
beckoned to us, I had an irrestistable urge to
run away, but that was childish so I resisted it!
We were led through the dark panelling and
dark leather, very old school, though with a bit
of swooshing it could have doubled as an S&M
club. Probably did.
The restaurant area was almost entirely made up
of elderly men, though some had young hot girls
with them, probably called Millie, or Flora.
Daughters I guessed, or socialite girls who didn't
mind a few wrinkles as long as the pound signs
kept rolling.
"What a fucking awful place!" Hissed Alan into my
ear. I shushed him.
Patrick sat alone looking wonderful, Peter Cushing,
Van Helsing even, more alive then any of these
stiffs.
"Sir Beamish, your guests." Said Iron Knickers.
"Thank you Emily." He said and winked, the old
crow actually blushed and ducked her head.
"May be she doubles as Money Penny to his
elderly Bond?" Offered Alan.
"Bastard." I hissed to him, he was on form I'll give
him that.
"Patrick I'd like you to meet Alan, Alan Sir Patrick
Beamish." I said without saying the Dad word.
The men shook hands. This would be good.
Then I clocked Mickey Straw staring at me from
the bar, he winked.
"What's that Copper doing here?" Said Alan.
"He's my bodyguard, why?" Said Patrick.
"Nice choice." Said Alan bitterly.
"Rebecca seems to know him ." Said Patrick keenly.
"Oh you could say that, couldn't he Becks?"
I grinned horribly.
"An old friend." I said to Patrick, he smiled
his knowing smile. Damn that Straw.
"But he was at that awful wedding the other
time and you said nothing." Said Patrick.
I squirmed on my seat this was intense.
"It's complicated." Said Alan and began to
idly pick a rose apart that dressed the
table. I looked transfixed as he wrent
the petals. Poor rose.
"Shall I ask him to wait outside if he's
making you uncomfortable?" Said Patrick
also watching those leaves fall.
"Can you make him stand in front of a
bus please?" Said Alan and turned to
stare at Mickey much as a Pitbull would
stare at a rottweiller.

Believe me it got worse.
Ciao
Becka M

THE MMM WORD

I saw the prints.
"Oh god no!" I said and looked again just incase my brain
hadn't taken in the information correctly. It had.
"Bloody hell, I look like the Child Catcher!" I wailed.
"I think you look sweet." Cooed Mal :"Like a young
Heddy Lamar, after she's had a few jars!"
Alan laughed:"I think they make you look quite
intelligent, like Barbra Streisand when she's wearing
glasses."
"But I aint wearing glasses!" I said tightly, watching the
men smirk and laugh at me. The fools.
"Well then?" Said Mal and looked at his feet.
"Indeed." Said Alan. Then they creased up. Hmm,
they were getting much too pally, I didn't think
they had any common ground. But they did have-me.
The butt of every joke and innuendo, pigs!
I'd have to have words with those twins though!
I flounced out carrying my shot-horrors.
I phoned Patrick.
"Miss you." I said.
"Shall we lunch tomorrow? Bring that man of
yours, the gloomy one."
"I'll do that, but he might put you off the food."
"I'll take the risk, need to shed a few pounds
after all." He laughed his dirty, fruity laugh.
"Not going for it are you? The PM job?"
"No! I'm much too lazy for that and I fear too
old. But never mind I've my sights set on other
pastures now." He said conspiratorially. Hmm.
I wondered just what trouble he was in, the
trouble that Mickey Straw had hinted at.
Later after Mal had left Alan sat watching
Pulp Fiction while I tried to read The Portrait
of Dorian Gray. Very apt after my photos! (Except
I was already fucked up!)
"Bruce Willis looks like your Copper friend
in this film." Said Alan. I felt my cheeks
redden, we had reached the bit when he was in
the shower.
"Oh really?" I feined disinterest.
"You know he does!" Said Alan and hit me on
the back of the head with the banana skin
he had in his hand.
"Do you mind? I'll get all that gunk in my hair!"
This seemed to be a secret signal for him to
go beserk!
He pinned me on the floor and dangled the
already minging peel onto my face.
"Yuck! Stop it!" I spluttered.
Next minute I'd grabbed the front of his shirt
and not realising my own strength had torn
it open, pfhth, went the buttons.
"Sorry." I said cheesily.
"That was a Saville Row! Come here!" Alan
tore off my brand spanking new Juicy Courture
T Shirt right down the middle!
"I'll give you bananas!" Said Alan and reached
for a fresh one. The glint in his eye was wicked.
"Don't peel it!" I warned:"Ruth had one break
inside of her once."
"Lovely, now open wide for the dentist man!"
He eased the fruit gently inside of me, the skin
felt very cold, that alone was a huge turn on.
With one hand he worked the banana gently,
this was not rape by fruit but seduction, he
gently parted my hoo-ha with his other hand
and caress the sodden folds.
"Ahhh." I'm too easy, wish I could hold back
more, his tongue lapped at my edges like
a cat drinking milk:"Mmm, nice." I murmured.
"Manage two?" He said and for a horrible moment
I though he was going to shove one up my arse!
But no, he meant his own, personal banana.
This fitted very well into my ready lips.
"I fucking love you!" He said in a mock chav voice.
When he came it hit the back of my throat almost
choking me, he pulled me up and swiftly removed
the banana. Alan held me against his warm lovely
chest.
"Marry me?" He said.
I said:"!!!!!!!"

Becka M

OFF

"Come on please Becka, take it off it will look
soooo much better!" coerced Quinn.
"Leave her alone, let her do what she feels
comfortable with." Snapped Alan.
I was sitting under Alan's tree being photographed
by the sex-twins, talk about putting you on
the spot!
"I want it off, so much more natural." Said Jude.
"Go on Becks, take it off, we won't laugh honestly."
Wheedled Quinn.
"I personally thinks she looks very nice wearing
one, like a lady." Said Alan (my hero).
"She's a laydeee!" Said Quinn in a Little Britain
voice.
"It will look wilder without one, freer, more
you Becks." Said Jude.
"For Chrissake take it off ! If anything just to shut
these two up!" Groaned Alan. He had on a panama
hat, that would have to go.
I sighed, I had to give them what they wanted,
with a pause I watched the three men looking
at me intensely, then I took it off, slowly,
deliberately I let it fal to the ground. All eyes
were on me. Cool just the way I like it.
Or rather I should say out, the small butterfly
clip that held my fringe back. My hair flopped
messily to my cheekbones-a restyle was long
overdue.
"That's better." Said Quinn.
"What a star!" Said Jude.
I shook my hair and laughed as Alan rolled
his eyes in exasperation.

Becka M

LETS HEAR IT FOR THE BOYZ

I'm still staying here at Alan's, he won't let me
leave he says, until I have somewhere half decent
to go to. Mmm, part of me says, yay he loves me,
part of me thinks, he doesn't love me enough or he'd
ask me to stay permanently. Anyway I'm here and
loving every minute of being a proper girlfriend!
I had a close call this morning.
The too close bit was when I awoke still sleep rumpled
and drowsy to find the sexy twins Jude and Quinn
sitting on the end of my bed looking for all the world
like the very worse kind of temptation.
"Hello Becka!" Said Jude and leered.
"Gorgeous." Said Quinn with his usual warmth.
I was naked, if I had a dick it would have been hard.
"Uh hi guys." I mumbled suddenly shy (funny that)
and pulled the duvet tighter around me.
"What are you two doing in here?" Says Alan:"Out!
Come on, in the kitchen." He looked at me with
exasperation, I hadn't done anything! Except in my
head! Trust Alan to think of me in that Mrs Robinson
way!
We breakfasted together, almost like a family and
the twins enthused about going to Australia, this
was it they said, they were moving on with their
lives and starting their own business as photographers.
"Lots of sexy people to take photos of on Bondi beach."
I said through a mouthful of streudl, Alan feeds me the
weirdest stuff honestly.
"No." Said Jude:"We are going to work solely in black
and white and take photos of the lost souls. You know
winos, prostitutes, street kids."
"Sounds cheery." Said Alan.
"Can we snap you Becka darling?" Said Quinn and
under the table squeezed my knee. I choked on a
piece of apple.
"Because she looks like a prostitute?" Said Alan and
there was a warning edge to his voice.
"No, it's your broken nose, it's gorgeous, so odd in your
lovely face, it's disfiguring but beautiful." Said Jude.
"That is what we want, marred beauty." Said Quinn.
"Well thanks a fucking bunch!" I snapped and rubbed my
nose:"Maybe you would like to pay for a nosejob for me
when you've hit the bigtime?" I rose from the table with
my cheeks flaming, bastards!
"Don't be like that Becks!" Said Quinn:"We wouldn't hurt
you for the world! And of course when we could afford
it you can have anything!"
I sat down again.
"Continue." I said.
"Oh you sad mercenary bitch." Said Alan and began
to read the times.

Becka M

SOAPY NICE

Alan doesn't have so much as a six pack as a
rack of ribs, so skinny is he. Still I traced each
rib with my tongue and paying attention to his
nipples, I chewed hard. Alan like most men is
take it or leave it with nipple play, why, he says,
play with them when you have a nice hard cock
to hand? Because I want to that's why! I had him
yelping, hopefully in pleasure! He rubbed soap
into my breasts with his silly, school-boyish
enthusiasm, I decided that he needed to be
taught a few lessons.
I began to work my way down to his already
twitching dong, our first attempt had been brutal
and sweet but he was far too excited and came
only after about 3 minutes. This time I was in the
driving seat and hell was this mother going to ride!
"What do you want from me?" He said teasingly.
"In the bedroom now!" I shouted.
"Get you." He said and carried me from the bathroom
to the bedroom, leaving large wet footprints (those
very same footprints that I would slip on in a
couple of hours and hit my head off the coffee table.
But that was 2 hours away!) All the time I licked
and bit (like a scrabbling puppy really) any flesh
I could reach.
"You are insatiable! I'm never going to be enough
for you am I?" He said ruefully and plunged me
onto his chocolate coloured quilt.
"You are enough, just do as I say Mr!" I put on
my stern dominatrix face.
"Oh please, you are not with Skinner you know!
Can't we have straight sex without all your
antics?"
"Nope! Lay back!" I ordered, he rolled his eyes
like the long suffering sap that he was.
"Take that face off!" I snapped.
"It's the only one I've got!" He laughed.
"Enough of your cheek! Talking of which, turn over!"
"Fuck off, if there is one thing I hate, then it's
my arse being manipulated."
"Not you're choice! Now spread them soldier!"
I sat on his warm back, still slightly wet and
smelling delicious.
"You are not serious! Hello, my prick is on the other
side!" He laughed.
"Yeah? What about this then?" I inserted a finger
into his rectum.
"Becka!" He growled, I bared down and pushed
my weight onto him. "I could rape you if I wanted."
"That's it!" He roared and suddenly I was rolled
over and he was on top.
"Like it rough? Rough it is!" Snarling to reveal his
mad teeth he began to thrust into me as hard
as he could.
"That's nothing!" I laughed, he pulled me up so we
were sitting face to face and he began to yank
at my hair, my breasts, everything really! I
shuddered on him and sank my teeth into his earlobe.
"Ouch! So she's not over yet then? We'll see about
that!" He stuck out an arm and knocked his phone,
water, books and glasses flying to the floor from
his bedside cabinet. I was plonked unceremoniously
on it.
"Gee Alan, there is no need to put me on a pedestal
really you know!" I giggled, he smiled for 1 second
and began to use the cabinet as leverage for his
thrusts, bloody hell it made a racket and a half!
Worked though, I was soon riding high on another
great orgasm, this time he joined me.
We crashed to the floor and laid there panting.
Later that night he would ask me to stay (to
clean up the mess!)

Becka M

TOUCHING

"Oh no, what do you want?" Said Alan, only
partially joking as he opened the door to his
house. He looked very put out and rumpled,
his black and grey streaked hair flopped onto his
face and he was dressed in a grey t-shirt and
and black joggers, bare feet.
"Nice way to talk to me!" I kissed his cheek as I
pushed past him.
"Do you know I get a headache everytime I see
you, talk to you or even think about you. Why
do you think that is?" He asked and led me through
to his dark and stylish kitchen.
"I have that effect on some people, could be worse,
could be a tumour." I grinned at him and opened
his fridge. Mmm chardonnay yum, I began to look
for the cork screw.
"Oh that's a lovely thing to say and why, may I ask,
have you brought all your stuff with you?" He looked
scared bless him.
"I just want to stay tonight, if you don't mind, tomorrow
I'm looking at some rented flats and bedsits." The cork
came out with a pop I sniffed it, Alan watched me
intensely.
I poured two tall glasses of wine and passed him one.
"Thanks." He said:"I was actually saving this wine
for a dinner party next week, but ok we'll drink it now."
(That was his way of telling me off for being a cheeky
cow and not asking him first before I opened the bottle).
"What party? Who are you taking?" I asked with interest.
"I'm there to make up the table as they have a spare
female, don't worry about it, I'm not." He sipped his drink
and looked away.
I frowned, now I was getting a headache! I hated the bitch
already.
"Well tell her hands off! You have me remember?" I pouted,
in my head she was a young glamorous blonde of about 24,
perfect teeth and tits like watermelons.
Alan smiled tightly:" I have you? I don't think so, I know
you cheat on me Becks. I must be crazy being in love
with you." His mouth looked very bitter, I had to
cheer him up.
I gulped my wine and decided to ignore his remark.
Instead I took off my clothes and stood there naked.
"Fucking hell." He said thickly.
"I'm just having a shower." I said (some people seem to
think I have a hygiene problem, can't think why Lindy!!)
"You are welcome to join me if you want."
I walked past without looking back, inside the cubicle,
he had one of those fantastic power showers, I set it
to massage. I began to soap up and for one horrible
second I thought that he would not be joining me.
The screen pulled back and there Alan stood, still
dressed, wine glass in hand, head on the side looking
at me approvingly.
I splashed the spray at him. "Come in, I said and
tweaked my nipples, ah this was great, it was washing
away the stain of Jasper and all the other shit.
So Alan climbed in, still dressed, wine glass and all.
"You daft bugger!" I laughed.
"Daft about you!" He set down the glass and began to
peel off his soaking clothes. His body so thin and
muscular, never and I don't care about Jeff or Mickey,
have I been so turned on by a body.
I knelt down and began to to roll my tongue around
his dick, not quite a blow, more of a swirl. He pulled
me up urgently, turning me around he stuck his
dick deeply in from behind. I sighed. This was what it
was all about. His hands held my breasts tightly,
quite painfully, I could feel his back arching, his legs
trembling with the strain and pleasure.
This was what it was all about!

Becka M

ALL MARBLES AND BALLS

I came back to Ma's flat clutching a bunch of
carrier bags and a little worse for wear because
of the Hardluck pie. Wonder why he called it a
pie when it was a cakey concoction? That's the
Scots for you, they call a skirt a kilt after all.
I had made a decision, I was going to have to pay
Jasper back, not in a vindictive sense (though that
would be nice) but in hard cash. I'm not a whore.
I changed out of my incredibly smelly clothes
into a neat black Next T-shirt and a pair of Diesel
jeans, also clean knickers, very nice indeed!
Ma was out (good) but Jasper returned just as
I was sorting out my items and trying to work
out how I was going to pay the old stiff back.
He grinned like the Lizard he was.
"Very lovely." He purred:"I likes a girl who
takes care of herself." He picked up my dirty
knickers and sniffed them. I tried not to let
it faze me.
"Do you mind?" I said smoothly retrieving them
from his hot little hand.
"Listen thanks for that loan I'll be working soon
so I'll pay you back Jasper."
"What? No love I thought we had an understanding."
I was suddenly aware that although he was shorter
then me and had more years then a tortoise, he was
a man and a strong one at that.
"I thought it was sweet of you to help me out, but I'm
going to be ok now and I won't be needing anymore
money from you." I smiled, hopefully it looked innocent
and sunny, but you never know with my face, perhaps
I was scowling. He looked confused.
"Wait, what about the sex?" He said his eyes darted
in reptilian fashion.
"Oh that! Sorry about that, I must have been pissed,
nevermind it's all over now, we mustn't tell Ma though
right?"
Jasper smiled:"She would be so angry, she would kick
you out on the street."
My turn to smile:"Oh no, my Ma might be stupid but
she is shrewd, it would be you that would go, love,
I'm going now anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"Which part do you not understand? I'm going now
as in going , which means that you are staying, but if
Ma finds out it's you in the gutter Sunny Jim (I'd
always wanted to call someone that!)
He paled.
"You little bitch!" He snarled.
"You old dog!" I returned. We faced eachother until
all the staring was done. Then he put the kettle on
and I walked from that flat with my head held
high, now if I could only find the money to pay
him back, a place to live, a decent man, a job,
a life. Anyone of those would be a start I suppose.
I sniffed the air and smelt the coffee, something
had been lifted and I felt good! Just needed James
Brown to sing it out and everything would be
dandy.
Becka M

p.s this post is dedicated to Gdayscott, will
miss your blog honey!

TALK TALK

"What's that film with Demi Moore and
Robert Redford?" Said Mal leaning with his
back against mine as we sat on the grass watching
the red arsed Baboons.
"Indecent Proposal?"
"That'll be it, that's you that is, 'cept she got 1K
and you got a few bob!" He laughed shaking against
me like some giant Scottish nit.
"Up yours!" I nibbled on Hardluck cake and enjoyed
the warmth it gave me and the funny eye burn.
"This hasn't got anything illegal in it has it Mal?" I
said dubiously when he'd unwrapped the large
cake.
"No, it's just fruit cake, everyday you just drizzle
on somemore whiskey until it's drenched. This
one has had about 2 bottles of Johnny Walker!"
It really was potent, gorgeous and syrupy.
"Just don't drive, operative machinery or look
after small children." Mal warned.
"Drive? That would be a fine thing!" I told him all
about Aunt Pat's Vespa watery end.
"It's sad, but maybe it's time to put away such a
teenage thing, maybe get a car even? You can
drive me, I hate driving, scares the shit out of me."
We sipped some wine, oh dear grape and grain,
headache city.
"Maybe I will get a car, but for that I need a job,
I need somewhere to live and I need Alan to stop
being such a twat! I'm sure he's gone off me."
"Poor Alan, it's you hen, you are the one who
can't commit. Maybe you need some counselling,
or bromide!"
"I thought you would be on my side! And then there
is Mickey of course, he now loves me madly even
though he's married with trillions of kids." I bit into
the cake, things were looking decidedly blurry
and fuzzy around the edges.
"Mickey? Are you crazy woman! He's to die for!
Alan is a sweetie but Mickey my god! I get hard
just looking at him!" Mal passed me the wine bottle.
"You get hard looking at Jack Dee for fucksake!"
I elbowed him.
"Well he is funny, oh fuck, look, that's us!"
Mal pointed to a bench under a tree, sitting there
was a man and a woman, their ages were hard
to tell as they were weathered and dirty. The
man was drinking a bottle of Night Train Express
and the woman was trying to read The Star upside
down, she also had a carrier bag on her head.
Superstyling.
"Shut up! Many a true word spoken in jest!" I
warned.
Then the man stood up, stretched to reveal a
dirty checked shirt under his holey tweed
jacket. But the clincher was when he said to
the woman: "Are you coming now hen?" In
a broad Glaswegian accent.
"No fucking way!" Said Mal.
"Yes that is us." I said sadly:"Or it might be."
"Fucking hell, maybe we should leave."
We looked at eachother in horror, the poor guys
and they really could have been us once.
"Let them leave first." I said.
The pair shuffled past us, the woman caught
my eye, her eyes were very blue and red rimmed.
Then she farted loudly.
"Yes definitely you Becks." Whispered Mal.
Once they had past we dissolved into uncontrollable
laughter.
"I love you Becka." Said Mal and kissed my head.
"Aww shucks!" I did a goofy face.
"No I mean it, I really love you, I had been so lonely
and you are so funny and nice." He squeezed my
arm. I looked away he had tears in his eyes.
"Time to go Mal, when the 'I love you's' start,
always time to go." I kissed his hand: "Will you still
love me if I fart loudly in public?"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"And I dressed crazily?"
"No change there then."
"And I wore a carrier bag on my head?"
"Depends on the label, now get up and lets
sober up and start sorting out our lives. I want
a boyfriend and you need well, everything."
"We sound like a really cheap and nasty Will
and Grace."
"No I'm much better looking then him."
"And me? Am I prettier then Debra Messing?"
I fluttered my eyelashes.
"Hell no! She's quite a looker, but I'll tell you
truthfully hen, you are prettier then that
Baboon!"
A particularly hairy ape grinned and slapped
it's arse at us.
"Well." I said philosophicaly:"At least she's a redhead."

Becka M

HARDLUCK PIE

I was meeting Mal outside London Zoo, I had
phoned him and told him everything. For that,
he said, he'd close his shop as he was just waiting
to hear the juicy details.
"It's alright for you!" I scoffed:"You haven't been
finger fucked by a cadaver!"
"It sounds disgustin' did he have old men's scraggy
balls? Did his arse hang down?" Mal was obvious
enjoying my demise. He was getting quite shrill and
squeaky.
"You shut up! Bring something for us to eat and
some fags." I hadn't eaten for a few days and my teeth
were tinged with nicotine.
"Yeah, ok, I'll bring some hardluck pie!"
"Hardluck pie? What's that when it's at home?"
Was he trying to take the piss here?
"Ahh you will see, be right up your street! You
can bring something to drink, oh and change your
knickers you dirty bitch!" He laughed at his own
humour.
"I wouldn't laugh very much if I had hair like you."
I said quietly.
Mal bit it. Had to the vain git.
"What's wrong with my hair?" He said irately.
"Not much, just colour, texture, length, smell,
everything really!" I giggled.
"Fuck you!" The phone was slammed down,
in my mind's eye he was already looking in the
mirror. Sod him. He once told me that he thought
his hair looked like a young Robert Plant's. Big
mistake, the teasing was relentless and I sang
Whole lotta love about 50 thousand times
and I still think it's pretty funny!
Still haven't been shopping, gasp of horror, I
think I might have to borrow a pair of Ma's
knickers! Will shop on the way back from lunch,
Mal can advise me. What am I reduced to?
I wished Ma and Jasper would just fuck off. I used to
be happy once in this little flat. It was mine
and I loved it. Waiting for my pie.
Becka M

CRAPOLA!

Ok I once did a psychology course, you can infact
use your mind to do many great and wonderful things.
I used it in this instant to blot out the strange, nasty
old cunt and focus instead on the very lovely Johnny
Depp. You do this by keeping your eyes SHUT!
So it was Johnny who gently slid my knickers down
(the ones with the see-thru heart), it was Johnny who
placed a finger on the sharp bone above my clit
and pressed down firmly.
I began to feel myself moisten and ooze, I felt that
weird, prickly feeling that meant I was very close
to coming.
"You are lovely." Said Johnny, how I wished he was
dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow! So he was, complete
with gold teeth and eyeliner.
I was throbbing but still he touched nothing vital, instead
he teased me by tracing the shape of my landing strip
hairs and stroking high between my thighs.
I moaned with desire, my nipples poked through the
ridiculous tart's nightie like walnuts on a whip.
He reached down and began to lick the edges of my
pussy.
"Please!" I mumbled, I needed something substantial,
a finger, a dick, anything to fill the aching hole with
something hard and unyielding.
He didn't have to touch me, I felt his breath warm
on my labia and I had the most stunning orgasm
ever! I wrapped my legs tightly around Johnnie's
neck!
Then I fell back into my sumptuous, sex torn bed
on the sofa.
Then something banged against my lips.
My eyes snapped open.
Old hanging dry balls and a dick that looked like
it had been pickled slapped against my face.
Jeez!
"Get the fuck Off me!" I roared and pushed him
away. He laughed.
"Always another time Rebecca." Jasper said
fondly.
"Have a coronary why don't you?" I hid under the
pillow. After awhile he left me to it.
I counted the roll of twenties, £200! Well that would
start my wardrobe off again.
But I felt bad, like a whore or something, Jasper!
I did not want to think about it!
Later that night I began to dream that I was on a
cruise with Alan and Patrick, both had white suits and
stripy Breton style tops. They smiled and raised
glasses of wine to me. Alan waved a roll of money
which seemed odd and Patrick seemed to find
this funny, I shrugged and looked away. Then I
could see Ruthie and Alex sunbathing and I felt the
sun warm my skin. I smiled, then I realized I still had
on the nightie, I looked around for something to change
into.
Then Captain Jack Sparrow was capering along,
I laughed and he pulled down his trousers
and showed me his dick. It was Jasper's old tool!
He was saying:"Take it in your mouth dear."
I woke shaking and sweating. I cried into my pillow,
what had I done?
Becka M

RESPECT MOTHERF***KER!

Inevitably, I heard the door of the lounge begin
to open. Remember TOMMY? Jasper really was
Keith Moon's Wicked Uncle Ernie personified. He
shuffled across the room like some side scuttling
spider, all arms and legs and bulbous body. If I
saw his dick I would be sick, I knew it.
"Look Becka it's like this." He said and sat at the
end of the sofa, I automactically straightened my
nightie to make sure straw nipples were not peaking.
"I'm an old guy, getting older by the second, I love
ya Mother dearly, but I've got needs that she doesn't
care for anymore."
"You are talking about My Ma right? The woman with
more lovers then her kids have had hot dinners?"
Men all the same, blame the woman.
"It's true, maybe it's her age, whatever, I'm not getting
any and I've got you dancing through my head every
night." He reached out to stroke my hair, I recoiled
as though he had scalded me.
"Get off you!" I hissed, trying hard to keep the stupid
nightie on was becoming a real struggle. "You are
a dirty old man! What make's you think I'd ever look
at you!" I looked at his with deep revulsion, get the
point wrinkly, it aint ever going to happen!
"I know you don't fancy me, I'm old, finished, but then
again have you wondered what it would be like to be
a rich man's plaything?"
"You are not that rich." I said with some scorn. His
fingers were beginning to pull the edge of the duvet,
I felt so vunerable and also something else. Powerful.
He wanted me, desired me and I could say no to this
one, if I wanted to, which I did of course, but.......
"Just let me touch you between the legs Rebecca,
just let me stroke your little pussy. I've cut my nails
and I'll be dead gentle." Spittle wetted his bottom lip,
ugh like some drooling dog after a bone.
"Fuck off!" I said.
Then he put his hand in his pocket, oh shit would it
be a knife or a gun? Would he force me to do it?
I began to pant quite loudly.
"Shit." I said, he smiled.
"This is for you." He played a very nice, neat roll
of £20 notes under my pillow. "No strings, just let
me touch you there."

Becka MMM

GRIMM TIMES

Today was the kind of day that The Brothers Grimm
would have approved of. Dark, moonstruck people
(not Cher too hairy) scary old ladies and wolves.
Moonstruck would have been me-this was because
Ruth decided, hey let's make Becka homeless again
and also break every Motorhead CD she possesses
into smithereens (what a cool word). How they shone
in the gutter. Oh and my clothes, what clothes? Ruth
had gone into frenzy mode and hacked them up with
her hairdressing scissors.
"Sorry." She said and smirked:"I still want you out,
but I went too far with the clothes." She admitted.
"So you are going to replace them?" I said as I retrieved
my toothbrush from a bar of Imperial Leather.
"No."
"Just great Ruth!" I snapped, I began to look for
the keys for my Vespa. "Keys Ruth." I said through
gritted teeth.
"Oh your keys are down the drain outside Geoffrey
Chaucer School. The bike is in the Ching!" She
laughed.
Aunt Pat's Vespa!
"I'll kill you!" I screeched and wrestled her to the floor.
2 minutes later she was on my back with my arm
being broken slowly. I could taste the carpet.
"Whose the daddy?" She said madly.
She was of course. I had nothing!
Before I left she gave me a letter. It was a letter of
dismissal from Angela and my severance pay.
Shit. No job, no place to live. No clothes, no bike and a
soapy toothbrush, could the day get better? Well at
least Mr Howard resigned.
I phoned Patrick.
"Hard luck." I said like the hypocrite I am.
"Hmm." He said aware that I couldn't give a toss.
"Mr Howard is a bit of a Big Girl bad loser isn't
he?" Had to be said, rude not to.
"It's just our way, but I suppose it was rather
dramatic. How are you?" I could tell he was peeved!
I told him (some of it) and tried to laugh. Didn't work,
hopeless blub bubbles came out instead.
"Where will you go?" He said with some concern.
"To Ma's I think, I'll be fine."
"Do you need any money?"
"No." I said firmly, he was too new in my life for
that.
"If you need anything...." He trailed off, I heard a
woman laugh in the background."Phone me."
He finished.
So I went to see Ma, why you say did I not go
to Sister-thing Raine's? Because D had a toothache
and men like D who say nothing are the worst
when poorly. Alex and Sean were still shagging
like rabbits and Mal was also too new in my life
to impose. So Ma's it was.
Here's where the scary old ladies come in, seen
Ma? Then you will know. Makes Joan Crawford
look dead cuddly.
"Wotcha want?" She said with all the love of a
mother crocodile.
"I want to stay." I said:"I've nowhere else to go."
"What about that poncy boyfriend of yours, Eric."
"Alan. No." The last thing I wanted was to show
up at his bare arsed and desperate.
"Come in then."
Jasper, perverama himself sat like some kind
of perma tanned Michael Winner, he grinned
showing his gold eye teeth.
"Missed you Becks." So there was the wolf.
"I haven't got anything to wear in bed." I
admitted to Ma later.
"Here you can have this." She said and gave
me the kind of nightie that would make a
porn star blush. Short, red, far too big in the
breasticle department for me.
"Lovely." I said weakly.
"Very lovely." Said Jasper and licked his top
lip.
Do you think if I scatter breadcrumbs I
might find my way home?

Becka M

PIMP 'HO PARK

I am almost a dole-bunny, almost. Still haven't
been to work. Right, I managed to hook-up (if
that's the right expression) Ruthie and Pa, for
a picnic in the park. Very Butterflies, just needed
Wendy Craig crying and looking miserable and
we would have been there.
Patrick arrived first and looked gorgeous in his
grey linen suit, like the Man from Delmonte
'cept I wanted him to say no.
He kissed me on the forehead and rubbed my
nose.
"Still swimming in the ugly pond Rebecca? Where
is your friend?"
"Probably on her way, sit down, talk." I patted
the bench next to me, he sat we talked.
"Do you think this is appropriate?" I said.
"Today sitting in St James Park waiting to
meet some young hottie when I should be
doing boring stuff like helping my party win
the Election. Hell no Rebecca, what are you
thinking about?"
I laughed.
"Politics huh?" I said and shrugged.
"Life is political, everything you do, everything
you say is an act of conscience." He took out a
small cafe au lait cigar and lit it.
"You sound like a Newager!" I laughed.
"Hardly." He said and blew the smoke through
his nose. I loved him very much.
"Go home, run." I said suddenly and pulled him
to his feet.
"Why? I was all excited about meeting Ruth!"
He said in mock protest.
"Bad idea, bad girl, bad Becks. I'll phone you,
meet you for lunch sometime?"
I really felt relieved, fuck Ruthie.
"Have to be after the Election now, you will
vote for my party of course?" His vivid blue
eyes exactly like mine twinkled.
"Hardly!" I said teasing him:"Now go before
we get caught!"
I waved him off and turning I was confronted
by a livid Ruth.
"Where the fuck is he going?" She screamed
into my face. She was quite scary really.
"Away. From you, bad move Ruthie starting
on my Dad." I allowed my self the luxury of
sneering.
"I won't forget this." She said and began to stride
off."And you can swing for the nosejob you bitch!"

Not exactly a walk in the park was it? I followed
at a distance.

Becka M

CRINGE-WORTHY

I am a good friend to Ruth, too good, she doesn't
deserve me, or I her. Yes Becks fixed it for her,
total humiliation hook-up with Pater-lovely!
Arse.
It was the first time I had spoken to dear Patrick
since the wedding from the Black Lagoon.
"Hey." I said unsure and embarrassed.
"Oh I wondered if you would phone, such bad
behaviour!" Then he laughed and I knew that
it was going to be ok.
"Sorry, I can't handle my drink."
"Funny I have a wife like that!" Oh so Catherine
drinks. "Still it was entertaining, you were a big
hit with that bald policeman."
"Oh?" I said my face flushing, damn that Straw!
"Yes, he said that you were his kind of woman,
whatever that may mean. Probably not your
type though, judging from the man you arrived
with."
Alan.
"Oh that was Alan, he's my boyfriend. He's
great, but not very happy with me at this
time."
"Hmm, he seems a bit too mature for you on
many levels. Still he seems a gentleman, a
lesser man might have abandoned you for
that girl without the knickers after your
little speech." He laughed again.
"No Alan hates Ruthie, talking of which."
I explained that Ruthie was a big fan of
the Conservative party (ha ha) and that
she had a special interest in politics and
wanted to have his autograph so that she
could show her fellow ladies at the WI.
I could practically see his eyebrows rise.
"Hardly-you are telling porkies aren't you?
What a lousy liar you are especially being the
daughter of a politician! Now tell me what you
want and no more embellishments. WI please!"
I groaned.
"Ruth has the hots for you, could you
meet us for a drink or something?"
I felt like a pimp and a really bad one at
that! My own Father and he was a stranger
I felt like the lowest heel ever. Practically
an espadrille.
Total silence.
"Are you there?" I asked gritting my teeth
in agony, say I lost him now because of Bitch-
face Ruth?
"Yes I was just shaking my head as I seem
to have developed galloping senile dymensia.
I could have sworn that you wanted to set
me up with that little blonde strumpet."
"I do." I whimpered.
"I don't know what to say."
"Just a drink I promise, if you like her
then you can make your own arrangements."
"My, you sound like your Mother!" He laughed:
"Oh what the hell, why not? You set it up and I
will be there. Better get some Viagra."
"Oh don't!" That was too gross.
"I'm an old guy, what is this Ruth expecting?
I'm not the most romantic of fellows."
He sounded sad.
"It will be ok, call me when you want to
go out."
So that was how we ended it.
How cringe-worthy!
Becka M

5 MINUTE CHALLENGE

"What a fuckable man." Said Ruth and sighed.
"Yeah, he's a doll." Said Mal.
They were watching someone on the telly, I was
pottering in the kitchen, those life defining moments
of deciding whether to have Chicago Town or
Goodfella's pizza when both tasted of pap and had
the nutrition levels of a Maccy D wrapper.
No good I was going to have to speed dial Dominos
again, who cares that they support The Mob?
I dialled for a Hot One extra chillis and mushrooms.
Coming into the room I heard something that
made my blood go cold.
"He is fine! I'm asking Becka to sort me out with
a hook-up, it's the least she can do." This was Ruth
and she was talking about MY father Patrick!
Because of the Election the press were interviewing
a dead-already Tory, Pa was hovering in the
background talking to one of those women whose
hair never moves.
"We were just discussing your Da." Said Mal.
"Apparently!" I glared at Ruth.
"What's that face for? He's a man isn't he? What's
wrong with that?" Ruth looked very angry.
"He's married." I said, then remembered he was
married to Catherine, Dead-girl's aunt.
"I want you to introduce me to him properly."
Said Ruth, determined bitch aint she?
"He saw your snatch at the wedding and he
thought you were disgusting." I said nastily to
hurt her.
"Oooh, I'll make some drinkies shall I hens?" Said Mal
and disappeared sharpish, the big scaredy wuss.
"So he didn't like my twat? So what? Maybe he can
shove it up my arse, who cares! Ask him over
pronto." Ruth looked at me with her insane green
eyes.
"What are you doing? Trying to work your way
through the whole fucking family?" I snarled.
"Maybe. Not Raine though. Call him up, Patrick,
now."
"You spoilt brat!" I kicked the waste paper basket
over. "What do you think I am Dial- a- shag?"
"No, you are too much of the amateur for that."
Ruth grinned at me, she knew she had won the
saucy minx.
"You never had any complaints from me." I
stared at her cute face.
"Yeah, that's right, but I'm easily satisfied, had
to be with a lousy lay like you." She pulled out her
pink tongue. And wiggled it. I took that as a
challenge.
"Mal!" I shouted.
"Aye?"
"Stay in the kitchen for five minutes will you?"
"Why?"
"Just do it!" I turned my attention to Ruth:"I guarantee
you will come on my tongue here and now."
Ruth grinned. "And what if I don't?"
"I will call Patrick and arrange a meeting, if you
come, kiss it all goodbye." I looked at the clock.
5 minutes.
"Alright then!" She yanked down her Kylie-knickers
to reveal her perfectly pruned hoo-ha.
"Right." I said and licked my lips as I drove my
tongue home.
"That will never work!" Screamed Ruthie laughing
like a drain. "Tickles more then anything else!"
I poked a finger into her and I knew I'd nearly
I had blown it. For sure. Pardon the pun.
"Yowl! Do you ever cut your nails? Jeez!"
I pretended it was Uma Thurman and lost myself
in the taste and smell of her, I could feel muscles
tighten, everything was slippy wet, I could have
taken her pulse it was so near.
"Nearly." I said.
"Yes. Damn you." Said Ruth through gritted teeth.
The Mal dropped a whole teapot on the kitchen
floor, SMASH!!!
I sat up.
"Five minutes!" Laughed Ruth, then as and after
thought came on my finger the ho.

Becka M

FIRE, WATER AND ICE

"Do you think I need to see a sex therapist?"
I asked Mal as we looked at suitable noses in
a copy of Hello. Victoria Beckham's nose looked
rather interesting.
"You see a Sexpert! Oh purleaze! Ye probably
know more then the cunt does anyhow!"
"I might know more about sex, I'm just getting
worried about how much sex I need. It's scary,
I'm like, so out of control." I shuddered at a
photo of Paris Hilton, she looked ok, it was just
that little dog Tink, it had a look of abject terror
in it's eye. Probably hated the media attention, I
felt for it. And strangely it was starting to look
like the Hilton girl. Life's a bitch huh?
"You can never be too thin, too rich or have too
much sex. So shut up, I'm having a friggin famine
at this time." Mal growled and showed his white
teeth in a fearsome scowl. If he wasn't such a poof
I would have been scared.
"Hmm, what do you think about Skinner, I mean
it was so off, I really enjoyed it though."
I shivered remembering it.
Mal licked his top lip:"Tell me again, slowly this
time." What a big pervert.
Well Master Skinner had tied me to a chair
by my wrists in the kitchen, he yanked down
my trousers leaving my g string exposed.
He kissed me roughly and gagged me with
a really stinky scarf, it smelt nasty.
He then whacked me very hard with a rolled up
edition of Vogue. That stiff spine really hurt.
Then he pulled my panties down slowly,
tweaking my pubic hair viciously and
scratching my anus brutally with his thumb
claw.
Then he left me there, for ages! My arms
were beginning to go to sleep and I had
an over whelming need to pee.
30 minutes went by. I began to make
bleating noises and I wiggled my bum
invitingly. He knew the bastard. He went
into the kitchen and returned with
an ice cube and a cup of water.
He resumed his spanking, this time
with the back of his hand, every now and
then he would touch my clit with the
ice. It made it smart and vibrate, so
close I was to coming and also I so badly
needed to pee. I could not do it, pee
here on Ruthies polished kitchen floor how
rude!
But I had little choice, the next minute he was
running, rivulets of cold water down the valley
between my buttocks, it dripped into me
like chinese water torture!
I went with it, feeling my vagina tighten
and spurge and my bladder spill like a
fountain onto the floor.
For one blissful second I felt brilliant,
then I felt dirty and sick.
Skinner had this stupid smug bastard look
on his face. I started to cry.
"First times are always hard. I've got
so much to teach you."
Later when he had left I contemplated
what had happened. Skinner could teach
me, to be what? A professional?
Did I want him to? I turned on the shower
full blast and scrubbed away my shame, then
felt it again as I remembered the hard time
I had given to Angela and Justine when
I had caught them indulging in similar.
Later I felt it again when Ruth came home
drunk and stepped into my puddle which I had
forgotten to clean up.
"Your fucking Sister's dog has pissed on my
floor again! I'm going to kill it, I really am."
She roared.
I felt it was safer at this time to say nothing.
Mal laughed. At least I had cheered him up.

Becka M

ME IN THE CORNER

Can you imagine the fallout from the wedding? Somehow
I managed to offend people that didn't even attend-so this
must be something of a record for me.
Patrick-well I bet he wished he'd been shooting blanks in
the 70's.
Alan-so handshakingly angry with me-he can't even
look at me.
Angela-well hello dole queue!
Justine-watchout for voodoo curses
Ruth-she thinks it's funny (well she would-wouldn't she?)
Alex-not at all surprised, seems to think this is normal
behaviour for me.
Mickey-he's actually the only one who asked if I was
feeling ok. He said I was a nutter and pinched my nipple-hard.
Mal-said he's glad he's my friend and now too scared to
consider the alternative.
Max-gave me his teenage-anx stare (oh give me a break
kid! It's not my fault your Mother is a lesbian and a
power-crazed cow)
Skinner-who gives a damn what he thinks?
Sister-thing Raine-More angry then a roomful of
hornets, furious that I could be so stupid.
D-well if he spoke he'd probably be pissed off with me.
Ma-narked that I showed myself up in front of Pa-
because of course she brought me up so bloody well
like a laydee, yeah right, take all the credit Ma!

So I feel wretched now, haven't been to work all
week and nobody has phoned to see if I'm ok.
Well Mal did pop over and say that I could work
at his shop, if I'd accept minimum wage.
And Raine brought me over some Baskin Robbins
ice-cream, chocolate nut fudge, yum. (But she
did shake her finger at me)
So my birthday wasn't exactly favoured in a good
light, bad timing. God that should be the name
for this blog. Maybe.
Ruth sent me a card with a photo of Prince Harry
dressed as a nazi-boy and a crude picture doodled of
me with a bare arse. Nice. Oh and a voucher for a
tattoo at a local parlour. Maybe. But most importantly
an I.O.U A NOSEJOB written on a used condom
wrapper. Sweet touch.
Alex sent me a bottle of Vera Wong perfume. Lovely,
not really me though-I'm more flowery (whatever anyone
thinks!)
Alan got me a box of Godiva choccies and a small
silver bracelet from Tiffany's. Gorgeous but last
year he bought me a Vespa (wonder what happened
to that bike? Oh how it gleamed) I'll be using a
mobility scooter before long. I think maybe Alan's
going off me bigtime.
Mickey brought round the biggest erection I have ever
seen. But I sent them both away.
Sister-thing,D and Aidan also took me out for a
dinner in our local Italian. Aidan through a mussel
from Raine's pasta at me and it twanged off my
nose. Does everything have to hurt me? Apparently
so.
Skinner turned up late last night, with piercing blue
contacts and a thumb claw.
"What do you want fuckface?"
"When are you going to learn to call me Master, my
dear?" He said pleasantly.
"When hell freezes over?"
"Pretty chilly out here and South London is hellish."
He grinned to reveal his vampire teeth, I shivered.
Ok he has a small dick, but he's very good at other
things.
"Make me say Master." I challenged.

Oh and he did. And Mummy and crumbs.

Becka M

HEIL!!!


Happy 35th birthday Becka!

Now grow-up!

A RIGHT CHARLEY

I stood there in front of the assembled power
monkeys and talked complete bollocks.
"I like to think of us as Charlie's Angels, you
know the 70's show? Three little girls, well
one was super dupa fly (that was me!) one
was the lovely supersize-me Angela who
had an adorable son, Max and one little girl
was dead!" I laughed at my own joke.
Nobody else did.
"I mean we needed a Bosely to sort us out,
that can be Mal! Hey Mal!" I waved to him,
he was hiding behind a napkin.
"So our store must be The Police Academy
and Charlie who took us away from all that
must actually be Angela, because she's the one
with money. So then we need a new Angel
because, I can't remember why actually!" I
laughed again. I could hear Ruthie laughing
madly. I saw Alan's scared eyes and Patrick
looking at me sadly.
"So to the brides! Let's all raise a glass to
the lovely brides, Angela and Justine, may
their time together be filled with Gucci and
Gautier!" Said Alex behind me, taking over
smoothly as ever. Everyone saluted, but all
eyes were on me. I could hear Justine's
teeth grinding and Angela hissed:"I'll get
you for this Rebecca Martin!"

Becka M

SPEECH SPEECH!

The wine waiter made the fatal (and expensive)
mistake of putting down a tray laden with sherry
next to Ruth, Alex and myself. We made short
work of it and Alan muttered something about
harpies or was that herpes? Mal had eyes only
for Mickey Straw.
"Oh god he's too fine! Why is he so perfect? Why
is he not gay?"
I ignored him torn between staring at Alan who
was his gorgeous, sulky self and my magnificent
father who gave the whole affair a touch of class.
Catherine his wife gave Justine air kisses and
they screeched and trilled into eachother's faces
like demented cheerleaders. I pulled a face at
Patrick and he moved across.
"Isn't that ghastly?" He said and looked down
at Ruth who was sitting there doing a Sharon
Stone moment.
"Ruth!" I poked her hard on the forehead.
"I'm sure he's seen one before, definitely the
lezzies have." She clamped her legs together
stuck out her tongue and went in search of
booze. Patrick shook his head.
"Young women today, no grooming." He said sadly.
"I wouldn't say that, Ruth's always having her
hoo-ha groomed." He raised his eyebrows.
"Try one of these Madam?" Enquired a young
waitress. I took a proffered green topped puff
thingy and bit into it. Instant gag-a-rama! I
had to spit it in a napkin. Patrick looked highly
amused, as did the waitress.
"What the hell was that?" I demanded and knocked
back another sherry to take the taste away.
"That Madam was chilled spinach, mushroom
and tomato with ricotta cheese."
"Don't you ever give me one of those again!"
"I'll remember that." Said the waitress and went off
smirking, cow.
I felt a bit light headed then someone started to
say Speech Speech!
I looked around with interest, what fool was
going to have to speak in front of these monkeys?
Angela squeezed my arm.
"Make me proud Becka." Her eyes and her voice
had a touch of ice in them.
"Huh?" I said sipping my drink.
"They are waiting for you're speech!" Hissed Alan.
All eyes were on me and you know what?
I was pissed.
As in der-runk.

Becka Martin

ALL THE YOUNG DUDES

The very trite and let's face it (boring) marriage
vows were said, I stifled the urge to show everyone
my tonsils in a spectacular yawn.
I especially liked the bit when Patrick pushed Justine
off his arm like you would a bird dropping.
"And the rings?" Said the vapid faced vicar looking at me
like I should have known about them.
"Oh we decided not to have traditional rings."
Whispered Justine, she leaned forwards to the
clergyman. "We had nipple rings fitted last week instead,
more intimate and believe it or not, the link."
Vic's face went the colour of old coffee. I gagged,
Patrick snorted, ah he was a snorter like me!
After the dreadful photos, us smiling inanely and
Mal following me around like some predatory
gay-dog, it was time for the reception.
"Who is that greasy article?" He said in disgust as
he looked at Skinner:"He is positively shiny!"
I explained the Skinner episode.
"You had sex with that?" Mal grinned, oh it was such
a hoot for him, the pansy!
"Yeah and I've had sex with him:" I pointed to Max:
"And him, the Bruce Willis clone, also Ruthie, Angela
and I regularly mate with Alan. Anything else you
would like to know?" I snapped.
"No I think that is quite enough!" Said Mal.

Becka M

IF I WAS A RICH GIRL-NAH NAH NAH.......
(Get out of my head Gwen Stefani)

Weddings are the pits, who wants that level of
stress? Certainly not me! If I ever have a nuptial
I'll just take my nearest and dearest and take off
somewhere hot and sultry-definitely not a hotel
with poncy staff and dodgy guests.
Angela entered the sideroom, radiant and dressed
similar to myself, where upon my suit was of
a silver hue her's was a bright cerise. Hmm interesting
choice, she looked like a bright bowl of turkish delight.
"I'm sooo happy Becka!" She trilled and kissed me
sloppily. Perhaps she was pleased to see me-
but she also squeezed my bum. Nice touch. Bridey.
"Let's get this show on the road shall we?" I said
and linking arms with her escorted her through
the flower draped room where the people sat oohing
and aahing as we approached. We just got there when
Patrick came out of another door with The Bride
of Frankenstein draped over his arm like Dutch Elm
disease. He had a look on his face between pissed off
and amused, he caught my eye and had to look away
fast. I have that effect on folk.
The 'Vicar' began to talk of love and stuff, I could
see Max sulking with his mental hair reflecting his
inner turmoil-my heart went out to him.
Oh happy day!!!!
Becka M

I HATE YOU BUTTER!


"Skinner! What are you doing here?" I hissed
into his smug, shiny face.
"Like the nose, adds character. I'm here for
the wedding, what else? Remember I did know
Justine intimately."
"Well keep out of my way! Don't let Alan see
you, his ex-wife was Pru? " My turn to smile as his
face went the colour of melted butter. He shuffled off like
a meth-suited him.
"Who was that?" Said Alan and his eyes were
narrowed. Mal looked over his shoulder like a
ginger parrott.
"He were greasy!" He said in disgust.
"Ah just a friend of one of the Brides, nothing to
worry about!" I laughed and kissed Alan's cheek.
I pulled my tongue out a Mal though.
Everyone was bunching up, must be time soon.
Then a man in a suit said:
"Becka Martin, Sir Patrick Beamish can you
come this way please?"
Time to get the Brides, Patrick winked at
me and we were ushered off into a sideroom.
"Love the suit." Said Patrick.
"And you look very smart!" I beamed at him.
"Becka the nose really is a problem you know?"
He said meaningfully. I nodded sadly.
Then another man entered the room a man
who I could have cheerfully punched in the
bollocks.
Mickey Straw!
"Sir the Bride is ready for you now." No
eye contact with me at all.
"Who is he?" I said to Patrick (yes I was
playing stupid, probably far too well).
"Don't be silly dear, this is Detective Sgt
Michael Straw to whom you are acquainted.
He is acting as my security incase anything
goes amiss." And I knew from his tone that he
knew everything about me and Mick. But did
he know that Mickey was investigating him?
Mickey gave me the worst shit-kicking
grin I had ever seen. I hate him.
I blushed hideously, but there was no time to
dwell on it. The wedding had started.

BECKA MMM

p.s the title is cryptic but someone out there
knows what it means! Rainexxx

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO POO

When I am an old lady I will have to have a
bag or something similar as I will be paying for
all the shocks I've had lately.
Don't even know if my bowel is going to last
until my 40's at this rate, the wedding has
turned my innards to jam.
We arrived at the Thistle hotel where the
wedding was taking place and I was ok at
this stage then Alan said: "What are you going
to say?" "Excuse me?" I frowned at him.
"What are you going to say in your speech,
you are Best man after all." He grinned at
me, the evil sod.
Mal gasped.
"Ah hin! Have 'ye not prepared anything?"
"Shit on a stick." I said.
Ruth burst out laughing.
"Queeeen of the fuckwits! What a stupid bitch!"
And cackled away merrily like an old gal sitting
knitting at the gallows.
"Becka! Think fast then." Alan's eyes sparkled
darkly, not that I could actually look him in the
eye, not after the way I had behaved with Mr
Mickey.
I kept having flash backs, Mickey kissing and
probing every inch of me with his tongue and
putting me on his enormous boing. When he fucked
you-you stayed fucked, no return.
I kept feeling his breath on my neck, his dick in
my snatch, up my arse and in my mouth. It was
torture. Now this shit.
Speechs.
"Help me Alan, you are a writer, can't you write
something for me?" I rubbed his arm, it didn't
work.
"Oh no, you can sort this one out yourself!" He
sniggered. Mal seemed to be the only one not
laughing at me, no instead he was ogling my
father.
"Ah Becka! He's fantastic! Now I see why you
are so pretty! What a fabulous man!"
"Hands off!" I hissed:"Mal can you write?"
Mal laughed:"Nay, I canae just about read!"
I looked over at Patrick standing there looking
like Harrison Ford at his best, all
dark and dangerous. His wife Catherine stood
by his side. Oh dear, she reminded me of a
sheep. Something to do with the eyes. And the
hair. And the bovineness. Could see where Justine
got her transparency from. Ick. These people
needed blood. Patrick caught my eye and winked,
then looked away. I felt myself warm inside.
Our secret. Nobody could take it away.
Sean dragged Alex in like she was a piece of
body art so closely attached was she.
A few power lezzies, then I caught site of Max,
Angela's son standing there looking like a
lost Edward Scissorhands all Deppish and
awkward.
"Hey!" I said and kissed his cheek.
"God you're nose looks ugly." He said spitefully,
I could see that he was nervous though, the
chewed fingernails and tick in his temple were
proof of that. I decided to let him live.
"Look no hard feelings Maxi, this is your Mum's
day right?" I stroked his cheek.
"This is fucked." He snapped and walked off
leaving me standing there all embarrassed
like you are when someone walks off mid
conversation.
"Penny for them!" Said a simpering voice.
I turned and looked into the wolf-stylie
pupils of Skinner.
Whoah! That was change of knickers number
One.
Becka M

TODAY IS THE DAY IS THE DAY IS THE DAY


Just a quick post-yes today is the day of The Wedding
and also Angela and Justine are getting their union
blessed.
I'm a shit, I've done it again I've slept with that bloody
Micky Staw! Not a lot I can say in my defense, except
that at least I enjoyed it (but that will never stand up
in court).
Alan is on his way to collect us, Ruth is dressed in
a fabulous orange silk shift dress (bit too summery
if you ask me) and a fucked out hat.
Alex and Sean are meeting us there (if they can get
out of bed). Raine and D will not be coming, Raine said
she would rather eat belly button fluff then be in the
same room as Ruthie.
Mal is here bless him (bit sulky though as I made
him wear a suit) and he is chain smoking and getting
very hyper. I am trying to cover my bloody awful
nose with foundation, still look like Gonzo though.
I'm wearing a beautiful, almost Indian cut suit,
3 quarter length trousers and fitted high neck jacket.
I look like a beat up version of Jemima Khan.
I fucked Mickey. I love Alan.
Mickey said to me:"I'm ready to put you first Becks,
before Sharon and the kids. You are my number one
I love you baby." And he meant it.
Have you any idea how many times I had wanted
him to say that?
Bad timing.
Let's get this wedding over, help me Daddy!
Becka M

"I'LL MISS YOU MOST OF ALL SCARECROW" or
kiss my tootie

Ever danced naked with an octopus? No neither had I
until now.
"Stop it Mickey!" I squealed breathless and practically
knickerless.
"You know you want it you dirty girl!" He bit me very hard
on the collarbone.
"Yowch! That hurt you freak!" I slapped him twice rapidly
on each cheek. That stopped him.
"Blimey you don't pull you're shots do you?" He gave me
a baleful look.
"What the fuck do you want Straw?" I straightened my
clothes all the time aware that my nipples were standing out
like doorknobs and my pussy was throbbing in anticipation.
Down girl!
"I'll cut to the chase, I hear that a small Gender Bender
wedding is in the offing. Special guests, very special political
guests with very sexy illegitimate daughters."
Fuckedy fuck!
"I don't know what you mean." I said primly.
"I bugged your phone sweetcakes, Daddy is being investigated
for 'resting' money that belongs to his constituency in
his account in the Caymen Islands. How thrilled I was to
hear you're little name involved in this one." He smiled at me,
oh how I could have smashed his lovely teeth down his
pigging throat!
"I don't know what you mean, really I don't." This was true.
"I'm sure Patrick hasn't done anything wrong." ( Was I?)
"Please Mick don't mess this up for me, I've only just
met the guy. He's fantastic."
I could see a muscle flex in his cheek, oh those beefy guys!
"I'll think on this girl, I'll think hard, talking of hard
get down on your knees there's a love."
"Fuck you!" I snapped.
"I'll do that too." He assured me.
"It's like this Mickey, I'm with Alan now and I'm trying
to be good this time, you are the sexiest man I know,
but please don't tempt me."
"I'm not tempting you, this is an order, now get you're
knickers off and sit on my face!" He pulled off his
t-shirt to reveal a six pack which was frankly lickable.
"No Mick!" I said and started to back off, all the while
he stripped more clothes off until he stood there naked
and unabashed like an advert for Rent-A-Dick.
He smiled like a cobra.
"Oh you bastard!" I said as his hands found my breasts.
"I missed you most of all Becky (Becky!!!) you and
you're golden cunt. What's going on with the nose
though?"
I touched my nose, I'd removed the splint myself, that
Anna Friel Stuff had really got to me. I looked like
Gonzo off the Muppet Show. Bent and beaky.
That was like a wake up call except I didn't wake up.
I merely fell deeper into hell.
"I hate you, you can kiss my tootie!" I spat in his face.
"I'll do that too, by the way love, I love you madly."

Beck Mmmmmm

NO BLOOD TIES

"So you are going to this wedding too."
Said Patrick and laughed deeply:"Oh God what
a bloody mess, still it will show us Conservatives
are not at all fuddy duddy."
"Or of course it could prove what we've known all
alone-Tories are riddled with vice and sexual
fetish." I said.
"Yes." He replied dryly. "I take it that you will
be discreet, about you're relationship with
myself?" There was a slight threat in his voice:
"As I will have Catherine with me."
"I won't say a word, does it matter that much
too you?" I felt slightly hurt.
"In a word yes, you've done nothing wrong my dear,
but the press would have a field day with you."
He laughed again:"I got an invitation to another
wedding you know, but I think this one will be
more fun if you can keep our secret."
"Oh you mean Ken and Deirdre!" I giggled.
"More like King and Dreary. I can't wait to see you
again Rebecca."
"I'll be the soul of discretion." I assured him:" Oh I've
something to ask you."
"Fire away."
So I asked him about Justine, because it was really,
really worrying me. His laughter was like music
to my ears.
"Oh that silly bitch! She is Catherine's niece, technically
my niece too, but we'll overlook that one! Not the
healthiest looking person is she?"
"I call her Dead-girl!" I admitted. No blood ties, I was a
happy bunny!
"I think that suits her very well, though not very fair
to corpses!"
We laughed together and for the first time I was
actually looking forwards to this wedding, I might be
able to steal a moment of his time.
"You will meet Alan, my boyfriend." I felt a thrill
go through me, I felt sixteen again.
"Mmm, he'd better be good enough for my girl,
anyway we will leave it there shall we? I'll see
you soon."
"I'm the Best Man." I warned him.
"I'm sure you are." He said completely unfazed.
Then 10 minutes later I got a little visit from a
Detective named Straw.
Lordy!
Becka M