WART

"I think this is going to be the wedding of the year!"
Squealed Mal excitedly. "What shall I wear?"
"Wear want you want, you're not going." I said and
sipped my expresso, wincing as it burnt my tongue.
I was sitting in Starbucks with Sister-thing and Mal,
he was perhaps the only friend of mine that Raine
liked (must have been the mad hair-thing).
"Oh that's not nice!" He exclaimed loudly.
Raine shook her head.
"Mal you go instead of me, I'd hate to go."
"Why?" We both said in unison.
"Because you (that was aimed at me) will cause a scene,
I know it, I can feel it in my bones." To make a
point she snapped the head off a biscuit.
"I would not! It is a wedding, I'd never mess it up."
I stuck out my bottom lip.
"With you mouth like that and your splint
you look a bit like Anna Friel." Said Mal and him
and Raine started snorting with laughter.
"Bastards! Raine really! I will behave, please
come." I pleaded with my eyes.
"No I'd rather sit at home and watch Countdown
and I hate that Carol Vorderman."
"Carol? Oh I think she looks dreamy." Said Mal.
"Because she's a man." Said Raine:"Can't sit here
all day talking to you fuckers, going to get D
his St Johns Wort."
"I knew a man with a wart once." Said Mal
wistfully.
We ignored him.
"He had the biggest one you ever saw." He
continued.
"Shut up!" I hissed.
"Looked like a split cauliflower." Mal was on a
roll now.
"I'm gone!" Raine kissed Mal (Mal!) and left,
I, beautiful little sister, didn't get so much as
a peck.
"We tried that Compound W shit on it and
Bazuka, but nothing worked. In the end he had
to have it frozen off at his GPs. I think he keeps
it in a matchbox."
"The GP?" I looked incredulous.
"No my friend's wart! Becka honestly, how are
you supposed to keep a fully grown Doctor in a
matchbox!" He ruffled my hair.
"Shut up!" I scowled.
"If your Daddy goes to this wedding do y'think
he'd bring Michael Portillo for me?" Mal's eyes
had a dreamy cast.
"More like Ann Widdecombe, she's more your speed
and age anyway!"
"Fuck you!"
And so life continued uneasily.

Becka M

BEST


"Say it again, really slowly this time, Angela
wants me to what?" I put a finger in my ear
to shake lose the tricky wax that must be making
me hear insane gibberish.
"Angela wants you to be her best man, what's
so hard about that?"
"For starters I'm a girl, also hello! I hate your
guts, what makes you think that I'd like to
go to your mucky little wedding?"
"You know that would sound so much more
insulting if you were not wearing a nose splint!
You will love it, free booze Becka! And food as
your such a pig! Also you can bring that weird
man of yours if you like."
"Alan?" Possibilities, weddings always bring out
the romantic in me, maybe Alan would feel the
same. "What about the girls?"
"Of course, even ask Raine if you want."
"What do I wear?" I frowned, Best Man indeed!
"Don't you worry about it at all, Angela is
going to arrange all the clothes except my
dress." A faint grayness lit her cheeks, oh my
she was blushing!
"You are not wearing white! You would not
dare!" I laughed:"White's not exactly you' re
colour, you would disappear."
"Shut up! So I can tell Angie that you will do
it?" Justine glared at me.
"Ok, who is giving you away? I mean I'd feel
better doing that actually, I'd give you to a tramp
off the street if I could." I gave her my sharp
smile (the one she hated).
"Ha bloody ha, my Uncle is giving me away,
you might have heard of him. Sir Patrick
Beamish? He's been on Question Time recently
about the gypsies, I'd worry if I was you!"
She smiled and I frowned. I was worried!
Fuck!
Becka MMMMM

FOE NOT FOE

I hate this nose-splint thingy, my nose is the
exact opposite of petite and now looks like
the rudder of the damned Titanic! Half
expect Leonardo and Kate to do that arm
stuff on it! Ruth is now very snivelly and
sorry for herself, but the best bit is she has
offered to cough up for a proper nose-job if
it heals funny. I expect I will forgive her-
in time. Alan is still furious, but he said he's
used to me letting him down by now, so that's
good isn't it?
Went to work at the counter, nobody wanted
me to make-up their faces for some unknown
reason (did they think it was catching?)
'Yes Madam, you look great, shall I extract a
tooth and black your eye for a contemporary feel,
no? Complementary nose splint if you spend over
fifty pound.' No they stayed away in droves.
Eventually after about half a dozen complaints
they sent Justine down to me. What a laugh!
At least I still had a pulse! You could feel the
temperature drop and Yvette Fielding would be
seeing orbs by now.
"Oh my gosh!" She said, that was enough! That
and the silly, irritating little half smile she gave
me.
"Look I'm here and I'm working, so kindly get
back into your office and go down on your
woman or something." I love being me.
I began to frantically rotate some Nars nail
varnish, she stood dead (dead!) still staring at
me and grinning like someone had tickled her
fanny.
"Becka, go home for fuck sake you look like
shit and your scaring the customers!" Still
grinning like a nit she was.
"No." I said:"I might look like Mickey Rourke
in Angel Heart, but I need my money and I'm
fit to work."
"Angela says you can have full pay, just sling
your hook you're making the place look ugly."
"Full pay?" I considered this:"I'll get my coat."
I conceded.
"Thought you would." She said smugly.
"You are such a bitch." I looked in the mirror,
what a nightmare, would I ever be pretty
again?
"Who did it? Jealous lover? Oh so it was!"
She clapped her hands together in glee:"You
must tell me everything!" Nice to see I had
made her happy.
"I'd rather tell Angela that you are really straight
and just a gold digging whore." My turn to smile.
Her small perfect mouth stopped grinning and
set into a vicious little hook.
"I hate you." She whispered.
"Great, I always know where I am with you
Justine."
"You're wrong about Angela, I do love her."
"You love money, Angie practically wipes her
arse on fivers everytime she takes a dump."
"You are a crude working class chav!"
She snarled showing her true Home County
colours true blue and full of shit.
"I resent that! I only wore Burberry when it was
in fashion, I'd already stopped when the rest got
on the bandwagon!"
"You have a veneer of sophistication, but that's
all it is, a front. Inside you are rotten. Your
face matches the inside now."
"Fuck you! Next time you are going to get
raped and killed remind me not to help you."
"I was the one who saved you remember? And
Angie helped of course!" She grinned again,
oh poo she was right! In my head I was the hero.
"Well yeah, ok, so I owe you one, still hate
you though." Imagine going down on her!
My lips would get frost bite!
"Mutal I'm sure, anyway I was going to ask
you for a favour." Her colourless eyes flashed
impishly.
"Tell me more." I said, maybe I could pay back
my debt and her supernatural hold over me
would be over.
Becka (Beaky) M

BECKA'S RED NOSE DAY

I could hear Mal's high pitched hysterics and saw
Alan's face was pale and sweaty. My nose felt like
a ripe tomato thrown at a neighbour's window-
squished. My mouth was full of blood-ugh.
"Oh my god her face her face!" Screamed Mal, his
shrillness made my heart lurch. Amazingly, Alan
took control of the situation.
"Mal, make a cup of tea with 3 sugars in it, you,
sit down here put your head forwards." He sat me
down and placing a towel on my lap I watched it
redden.
"Becka." Whispered Ruth and tried to touch me,
I shirked away from her, bitch, she broke my nose!
Mal returned with the tea.
"Here it is." He said and I could see his hand shaking.
"Well sit down and drink it then." Said Alan, Mal
obeyed, his eyes still very shiny and darting.
Then Alex and Sean were there and Alex started
screaming at Ruthie, Ruthie was crying.
"Come on, I'll take you to casualty." Said Alan.
"It's ok I think I'm alright now." Said Mal.
"Not you! Becka."
"Oh." Said Mal and blushed:"I'll come anyway."
He looked at Ruth:"It's safer."
In the melee (love that word) someone had phoned
Sister-thing Raine, she arrived like the world's
smallest Mafioso glaring at Ruth she said:
"You fuck my sister up I fuck you up!" Then Sean
and Alan had to restrain her before she gave
Ruthie the Vulcan death-grip.

Later in the hospital I sat with two suspiciously
tampon-like affairs shoved up my nose. My head
was killing me and I could hardly breathe.
Worse still I had run out of ciggies.

Becka M

MUGS

"That girl scares me." Admitted Alan as he carefully
rolled a cigarette. Sean had wrapped Alex in his parka,
she looked very nice with her bare legs and damp hair.
They were talking in whispers and it looked pretty
intense.
Shortly Alex said:"Come with me." And led a smiling
Sean to her bedroom.
Alan rolled his eyes: "At least that's over!"
Mal turned to me:"You had better see how lil' Ruthie
is doing." I nodded, who else could do it? Muggins of
course!
As I left the room I heard Mal say to Alan: "So would
you like to watch 13 GOING ON 30?"
And Alan's strained."No."
I tapped at her door.
"Come on Ruthie, let me in." She didn't answer so
I came in anyway. She was sprawled on the bed
and she looked totally dejected, her make-up
streaking down to her chin and her nose red and
sore. "Whatever is the matter Ruth?" I sat next to
her and put my arm around her.
"It's too much! You've got Alan, Sean's back!
What am I supposed to do?" Her voice was angry
and trite.
What indeed?
"But you' re lovely! Any guy or girl would love to
have you." I kissed her forehead which was
damp and sweaty.
"Really? Then why am I always on my own? Why
do I have to exist on the sexual scraps you throw
at me when you can't get anything better?"
She poked a tiny finger into my chest, bloody hurt
it did.
"Ruth it's not like that at all! I love Alan, but you
will always be special to me? Who could not love
you a little bit?" I stroked her crazy hair which
was standing up in tufts like a throw-back punk.
Suddenly she pushed me back onto the bed
straddling me.
"If you love me, show it now." Her voice was
crazy, demanding and edgy. I liked it.
"Ruth! Alan's out there! And Mal! We can't...."
But obviously we could as Ruth was pulling off
her t-shirt and her hands were under mine.
"Well we will have to be quick." I whispered,
very excited, it was so elicit, so tantalizing-
Alan was on the other side of the wall, if it
was glass he could see me! Oh I wished he
could! Ruth yanked down my pants and roughly
inserted 2 fingers, I felt the nails and it made
me shudder in pain.
"Too rough for you?" She said not at all apologetic.
"Not at all!" I said and gritted my teeth, it was
still smarting. I kissed her breasts and just to
show her I nipped them quite sharply.
"Now we're getting somewhere!" Ruth said
and I could see the excitement and madness in
her eyes.
Strange really, I was the 'Mad one' the one in
trouble yet Ruthie was nuts bigtime! She
just hid it from the general public that much
better. She began to move down, biting all
the way, could I take the pain? Hopefully!
It was so hot, we were both sweating like pigs,
Ruth's tongue and teeth worked their magic
and my clit made it's own sweet vibration.
"Ahh!" I moaned.
"Awwww!" Moaned Ruth getting off to my
pleasure.
"WHAT A FUCKING MUG!" This was Alan
who stood in the door shaking, white and furious.
Ruth smiled at him.
"Hi Alan!" She said cheekily.
"You shut up!" He snapped and grabbed my
wrists yanked me up." Get dressed now! We're
going out!" He snarled.
"Alan!" I said weakly how could I finish this
sentence?
1. Alan it's not what it looks like-we were
doing 'organic bikini waxing'
2. Alan I'm sorry? Maybe you should knock
next time?
3. Alan fancy a three-way?
4. Alan for heavensake! It's just a muff dive-
it means nothing!

But what I actually said was:"Alan I'm so sorry!"
At that Ruthie roared and punched me full
in the face breaking my nose in two places.
Shit.

Becka M

HARDS**T AND ZELLWEGERS

We sat (we being myself, Alex, Ruth and the newly
acquired Mal) with our feet soaking in a babybath.
not much room with Mal's size 12's taking up all the
space. I had to have my feet on his, very nice in a
footy kind of way. His toes had little blondish tuffs
much like a Hobbit really only bigger.
We were sipping really cheap Asti and were all
getting nicely toasted. Alex looked a sight, her
hair was wrapped up as she was relaxing it and
on her face was a luminous green mask. Even
the very beautiful can look ugly sometimes.
Ruthie was in full bitch-mode and Mal eyed her
warily. I don't know if it was the David and Goliath
effect, but this big guy was certainly scared of our
little Ruthie (or at least very wary) can't say I
blame him.
We had watched both Bridget Jones and thrown
Dorito's at Renee Zellweger's face everytime
the shot went to close up.
"She's thin in real life." Remarked Mal. Ruth
resident anorexic and token psychotic glared at
him.
"I think she's still a heffing great pig!" She snarled,
showing whites of the eye and a fair bit of tooth.
Mal looked at me helplessly.
"She's hardly fat now." He whimpered.
"Most people are fat, your fat, Becka's fat, Alex...
Alex is ok (this is because Ruthie knew better then
to proceed) I think you could all do with a fucking
de-tox!"
"Piss off!" I said, but before it could escalated into
the usual nonsense the door bell rang.
"That fucking bell!" Said Ruthie:"I'll take the
fucker off I will!" She snatched open the door.
"Oh not you!" She shouted:"Becka, Alan-lame-
arse and Sean Pretty-Boybum are here!"
I looked at Alex and she looked at me in horror.
"Not Sean!" Tears made tracks down her sticky
face, she fled to the bathroom.
Alan and Sean entered the room like the sun
and the moon. Sean being the sun, blond, gorgeous,
tanned and unavailable. Alan limped in wearing his
trademark black and a scowl. A moon if ever I saw
one.
"Sorry Becka." Said Alan:"Sean arrived at mine,
he wants to see Alex." I love his casual scruffiness.
"No fucking way!" Said Ruth.
"She's my wife!" Shouted Sean.
"Your gay!" Snapped Ruth she was actally squaring
up to him!
Mal's ears pricked up:"He's gay?" He smiled at
Sean:"Didn't aye see you in Hardshit?"
We all looked at him.
Sean shook his head :"I don't think so." Bet he
had though.
Then Alex re-entered the room looking drop
dead gorgeous with her clean face and wet hair
and more to the point, naked. We all stared
and she was loving it.
"Take a good look Sean, see what your missing?"
Mal laughed hysterically and Alan stared in horror.
"It's taken me a year to get over seeing them." He
whispered loudly. I nudged him to be quiet.
"I see exactly what I'm missing." Said Sean and
grabbing his pretty wife kissed her passionately.
"Get the fuck out of my flat!" Roared Ruthie:"All
of you! That mean's you stupid!" (That being me)
"I hate you all! You and your stupid men!"
"Is this a lesbian moment?" Said Mal in my ear.
"And you can take Aunt Sally with you!" Ruth
slammed the bedroom door so hard a laughing
picture of Elvis hit the deck. Mal mouthed
Aunt Sally at me and pulled a face.
The the hardshit hit the fanny.

Becka M

THANK YOU ONE AND ALL
(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
Mad Becka is 1 Year Old!

Thank you all out there in blogland for reading
Mad Becka-our anniversary is 14/03 so we are
a year old. It's been fun-I'll keep up the mediocre
work!

Love ever Rainex & Becka M

CHOCCIE DUNKIES AND SUGAR DUMPLINGS

Mothering sunday was the worst, sitting el commando
in my Juicy Couture (not juicy or couture) .I felt like
time stood still, only punctuated by Ma's heavy breathing
and Raine's tooth grinding. Jasper of course was the
letch from hell, kissing me and feeling my butt at the
same time (why is is when you want gas you never have
any?) Little Aidan was bored rigid, but he was a good
excuse to leave early and dine on Maccy D's.
Ma mentioned Patrick briefly i.e "Handsome bugger
isn't he?" With a wistful look. I shuddered, sex, elderly
folk, nah not doing it for me, yeuch.
On returning I took the longest bath ever, with a
beautiful rose scented bubblebath Ruthie was saving
for best, but I used it anyway.
Afterwards I lay on the couch just wrapped in a
towel and a fine dusting of Yardleys lavender talc,
love it, love it! Alex say's I smell like an old ladies
crotch but then who would know? My little titties
looked like sugar dumplings mmmm!
Just on the off chance I phoned Alan:
"Come over here." I said just like that.
A pause.
"What for?" He said.
"Because I'm clean and naked and I want you to
lick off my body powder and make me grubby
again!" I felt my self moisten and I squeezed my
knees tightly together.
He growled and put the phone down. Time past.
Blast.
He's not coming.
I always piss him off.
Maybe he's on his way.
Maybe he's not.
Am I pushing him too much?
Who gives a fuck?
The door sounded after 15 minutes.
I dropped my towel and opened the door
dramatically.
"Whose a naughty boy then?" I said.
Damn Pools man.
"Whoops! Sorry, I thought you were, someone else."
I laughed, christ he had to be about 80!
"For you honey I could be anybody!" He laughed and
sold me a coupon.
How humiliating.
But he did show-10 more minutes and he was doing
all those things with your tongue they never teach
you in speech therapy. (I had that, I was a slurrer-
still am after enough brandy).
"Oh Becks!" He moaned as I tried to insert a probing
finger into his anus. That stopped him for a minute.
"What are you doing woman?" He demanded.
"Feeling the merchandise, very nice, very fuckable.
Come on, pull on the dunkie!"
He froze.
"Fuck." He said.
"You haven't?" I said.
"I bloody well have you know! Frig!" He hit
his forehead in frustration, already the magic
wood was drooping.
"Hold that thought!" I said and slapped his arse
roughly, I ran through the house like a mad
woman. Condom raid! Alex and Ruth's drawers
were raided (you know what I mean!) nothing!
Nada! Herpes infested harlots! Where were the
dunkies? Then I remembered the choccie ones,
bought as a laugh from the pub, we had put them
on bananas and made ourselves sick one night.
Very mature-very us.
There was one left, still in it's little brown packet
stuck onto a KFC packet of salt. Eureka!
"Here we go." I said and chucked it at his head.
"You know what that means?" He said glowering
at me. He held it like it was The Grail itself.
I shook my head.
"It means a blowjob first." He grinned happily
(ciggie stains creeping back-I am a bad influence).
"Ok, but don't you dare come ! We have but one
chance of happiness." I warned.
"I will do." He nibbled my clit:"My." He licked my
nipples:"Best." It wobbled there like the biggest,
sauciest dong in the world.
"It looks obscene!" I laughed, then I stopped talking.
It was nice, hardly Haagan Daz but ok in a synthetic
sort of way. Then he slipped into me and the overwhelming
smell of ovaltine hit the air.
"Move that arse soldier!" I said, I love Alan for a scrawny
sparrow he can give it some wellie! He lifted me easily
and had me up against the wall, all the while I could
smell the cocoa, bit off putting really, but I was so in
the mood.
"Love you! You crazy cow!" he said.
From that man that was poetry!

Becka M&Ms

MITHERING SUNDAY

I was sleeping deeply on Ruth's sofa when the phone
sounded, we all ignored it as working girl's do on a
sunday morning after an extreme night on the lash.
I had introduced Ruth and Alex to Mal and they
thought he was delightful (he thought they were ho's
but so what?) Also I was still in that nice, after shag
feeling because of Alan. Oh yeah we had shagged like
dogs later that night and it had been heaven!
Few days later and I'm still floating on air, Alan phones
me most nights, it feels only a matter of time before we
will get back together.
Who ever phoned gave up and I drifted back to sleep.
What seemed like a second had passed then there was
a sharp rat-a-tat-tat on the door. I ignored it, Jehovahs,
not in the mood today.
Ruth answered the door dressed in just a t-shirt, I
heard her swear (twice) then hiss to me:
"Your bitch-sister is waiting in the kitchen with
her brat! Your'd better get up."
"Sister-thing?" I mumbled and fell to the floor, I
crawled along until my knees met tiles. I heard
Aidan laugh, I winked at him.
Raine was standing there with a white face an
a box of Milk Tray. She rolled her eye's when
she saw me. I couldn't make any sense of the
situation at all!
"Becka! It's Mothering Sunday, Ma's day!
please let's get this over quickly! I''ve bought
200 Benson for you to give her."
I didn't argue, Mother's day, her birthday and
Christmas were all solemnly acknowledged on
the off chance that she wouldn't live to see
another one. But the woman was strong damn it!
"Is she still with that creep?" I said.
"Jasper? Oh yes, he's not too bad is he?" Said
Raine.
"He is a sleazy snake, but yeah not as bad as
some of her blokes." (Both of us as girls could
testify that a lot of her boyfriends used to try
to get in bed with us-sometimes succeeding)
"She might ask you about Sir Patrick Beamish."
Warned Raine.
"Hmm, well she can sod off! That's my business."
But truth be told, Patrick hasn't contacted me in
a while. Maybe he thinks it's a bad idea.
"I wonder." Said Sister-thing as she checked the
buttons on Aidan's little parka:"Whether my father
is Mr Martin after all."
I bit my tongue.
"Who knows? Don't ask her today though, enough
drama already!"
I telephoned a cab.
"Why isn't D here?" I asked.
"Because he thinks Ma's the Antichrist."
She rooted in the cupboard and finding the biccie
tin gave Aidan a Jaffa cake.
"That's a bit harsh, I'm mean maybe a minor
demon, Antichrist is a bit rough though!"
"He has his reasons." She said darkly.
"I hate my life and my family, every bugger
seems to have their secrets!" I stormed.
"Ah shut up! Of course we do, that's what make's
them secrets. People do have private lifes Becks!"
Then the cabbie came and we were whisked off
into Blue rinse Hades.
Then I realized I still had my pajama bottoms on
a smelt like a brewery.

Becka M

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