'THE FITHIEST PERSON ALIVE'

As my birthday post hit my door mat, Alan
scampered off to get them like a well trained
retriever.
"Oh my God!" I heard him groan. He was carrying
some cards and a small package, he looked very
worried.
"This one is addressed to 'The Filthiest Person Alive'
it must be from your stalker." He warned.
"Nah, I think I know what it is, go on, open it."
I urged.
He opened up a small box to reveal a:
"It's a piece of poo!" He said in disgust and looked
at me as I dissolved into laughter.
"Nope. Your not meant to say that, the correct
response would be 'It's a turd Mama! A turd!"
"What are you talking about?" Alan looked at me
(not for the first time) like I had lost all my marbles.
"It's from the girlies, they send it every year. It's
traditional. It's actually a scene from a John Walter's
movie 'Pink Flamingo's' with Divine, oh don't worry,
it's plastic."
"Sometimes I think this is all some weird trip."
"Heavy shit Maaannnn." I opened the cards, Sister-
thing, Mum, the girlies. The usual but:
"I don't see one from you." I said and pouted.
"I've something else instead, here, let me blindfold
you."
"Hey heh! I like the sound of that." I enthused.
"Down girl!" He wrapped my eyes with a scarf and
led me outside, I knew this because it was cold
and loud. Then we stopped. He unwrapped my eyes.
"Hope you like them." He said shyly. I bloody well
did! Not one, but two Vespas sat in my alley-way.
My beloved Aunt Pat's lovingly restored, the
other a brand new model!
"I don't know what to say!" I said crying.
"Your happy though?" Alan said earnestly, I kissed
him hard on his cold mouth.
"This is fantastic! It makes up for the SS Guard and
the Singing Hitler!"
"What?"
Back in our warm and now used bed, I told him
about birthdays past.
"Years ago Ruth and Alex found out that I share my
birthdate with Hitler. For my sixteenth birthday they
brought to school a black and red decorated cake with
swastikas ! The teachers thought I was a facist
and I got sent home! For my eighteenth, Alex and
Ruth dressed as SS Guard and insisted I wear a
moustache! We got chased by some skinheads in
Islington as they thought we were taking the piss
as Alex is mixed race! Later that day we got chased
by jamacian youths for the same reason. Oh and
the singing stripogram Hitler for my twenty first!
Oh he was so gross, he stood in the middle of the pub
ranting and then I had to kiss him! (Decoram stopped me
telling Alan which part I kissed). My thirtieth was
worse, they dressed as leather clad Gestapo and
took me to a fetish place!"
"Poor baby!" Smooshed Alan and stroked my hair.
"You don't look at all like Hitler. He was a looker!"
I punched him lightly on the arm.
"Thanks for the bikes! Two of them, oh how I
wish I had two arses!"
"No comment."
"Honestly though, thanks, they really are the
best present I've ever recieved."
"Even more then a plastic turd?"
"Even more then that, thank you."
So the girlies will arrive tonight for a drink
and we will celebrate properly on friday night.
Becka (34, gorgeous and a two bike family)