UGLY

I did not go to work today, I will not go
to work ever again. I will spend my life as
a tramp eating food from dustbins and drinking
Special Brew. I do not want to exist like this-
feeling betrayed and vunerable, like a snail without
it's shell. Oh I've been very good at fortifying my
shell, over the years it's got exceptionally thick and
strong. But it's been blasted away now by a double
whammy, people who you let in the closest hurt you the
most.
"Alright Becka, this is what happened." Said Alan last
night. He sat trembling on his bed looking scared, I
smiled.
"Nothing can be that bad, whatever it is, we can
work through it." I said with the stupidity of
someone making a sweeping statement.
"After you left for work the other day, you know
when we had been drinking with Ruth?"
Oh I knew what was coming.
"That Pru, she made a play for you right? She's
a bloody lunatic!" I spat, I could just imagine
her flouncing in.
Alan shut his eyes tightly.
"No, not Pru." He sighed deeply:"After you left,
Ruth came into the kitchen."
"She was way hungover!" I laughed.
"Please let me finish! She wasn't hungoverat all!
Ruth was very sober and very odd."
"What do you mean by odd?"
"She said." Another deep breath:"She said that
she was in love with me and that you were the
wrong girl for me."
This did not make sense: "Sorry?"
"Ruth said that she wanted to make love to me then
and there or else she would tell you that I had
tried it on with her."
I scanned his face for any humour, there wasn't
any.
"Fuck off! Ruth has an off-the-wall attitude
to life but she would never, ever do that to
me." I said firmly.
"She did Becka." Said Alan softly:"Then she started
to rub herself against me, I was frightened!"
"I don't believe you. Men! Always trying to ruin
the 'Fuckwit' friendships! You disgust me."
I meant it, as much as I loved Alan, Ruth and
Alex had been there for me all along, nobody would
ever manage to split us up.
"Then she got nasty and said that she would
call Alex up and say that I had touched her. She
said that I had do what she wanted, she was very
persuasive. Then she would be content and would leave
us alone." Tears rolled down his thin cheeks,
but I felt nothing for him at all, not an ounce
of compassion.
"Yeah! I believe that! My own dear friend, begging
my stunning boyfriend for sex, how big is your head
Alan? When did you wake up thinking you were Johnny
Depp and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one?"
I smiled at him, not a nice smile more like a
twisted parody.
" I could not even get it up for her, she
was so demented! I felt terrible, Ruth
is your bestfriend and she was acting like a monster!"
"Ruth is cool. So I something did happen, but probably
you assaulted her or something. Did you rape her you bastard?" I realized my voice had risen to a screech.
"No! Becka! She touched me and went down on me."
He actually blushed and shuddered , such a liar! She
is pretty and sexy, no-one would shudder!
"Poor baby!" I put on my fake 'mama' voice.
"No Becka this is serious, she's jealous of you
I think." I looked away from him, what a complete
snake.
Warning bells sounded then as I remembered Sister-
thing saying exactly the same thing.
"Anything more to say?"
"No, but think on this-I did not do anything,
she did everything to me. I've forgiven you
for the Copper, can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?"
"In your dreams buddy! Fuck off NOW!" I roared.
"Becka!" Then after a moment: This is my flat."
He looked shell-shocked.
"Not tonight it isn't, here's my keys, just
go." I felt myself rocking and drew my knees into
my chest like a child. In a minute I'd be sucking
my thumb.
I turned away and after awhile I heard the door
quietly close. My heart was hammering in my chest,
I lay back on the bed and tried to understand the
whole sorry mess. Whatever way it went, it was ugly.
I did not want to deal with it.
Becka