ICE BATHS AND WET BLANKETS

My bum still feels like it's been toasted on an open
fire! Sat in a cold bath meditating, didn't work, so
ended up masturbating which had an instant effect. But
it did not solve anything. I begged Alan to come around
and he did, but I have to tell you it was not great.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey." I said. Alan looked heartbreakingly lovely, I wanted
to put my treacherous female arms around him and capture
him for keeps. It was not to be.
"What a mess Becks." He sat next me on the sofa and
gently held my hand.
"Can it be fixed?" I said ever hopefully.
"Not this time,no-I've actually tried to make a
go of it with Pru these last couple of days."
I felt my insides turn to ice again.
"No! Bloody hell Alan, but I love you!" I started
crying in a really blubby (and snotty) sort of way.
"I love you too, but it's not working out, you do
not have it in your nature to be faithful."
"I could try! Have you slept with her already?"
The look on his face showed that he had.
"Fuck you Alan! It's better when we're together, we
are happy! We belong together." I could see that he
was trying not to cry.
"It's too complicated and with Ruth involved,
it's too much for me Becks, I can't face it all."
"Did you sleep with Ruth?" I grabbed his face between
my hands and stared into his dark eyes.
"Not in the way you thought I did."
"But you did?" My breath felt wheezy like I'd been
running up hill.
"Yes I did." Alan sighed;"I really regret it and I
know that it does not sound very gentlemanly-but
it was Ruth who did all the pursuing. But I
was too weak to admit it. I guess I just made it worse."
"I can't lose you-I won't." I gripped his hands
tightly:"We've both made mistakes maybe it's time to
begin again?"
"No, I'm with Pru now."
So that was the bottom line.
We spent the afternoon just holding hands.
"Don't be a stranger?"
"Never."
To make matters worse after he had left I found
my rear was even more painful. I ended up swaddled in
a wet blanket like a Monty Phyhon take on Ghandi.
Today I have just hung around the flat like a
wraith, not eating or drinking but still puffing on
cigarettes. Angela's coming around later and the
worse bit is I don't care one way or the other.
Becka