REBECCA!!!!

Spent sunday being looked after by Angela, she was
quite happy to do it so I let her! She liked the
administering food and the bedbath best. I do the
helpless invalid really well. When she saw my griddled
bum she frowned. I felt rather sheepish and silly.
"Did Alan do this to you?"
"I wish! No it was my Ex, Jeff."
"What is it with you and all these men Becka?" Angela
shook her head sadly.
"Beats me! I liked Jeff and had an 'unusual' relationship
with him.I was with him along time and hand on heart I was
never unfaithful! Jeff's there if I need him, physically
anyway. Alan, well that's the heartbreaker, he really
was the right guy for me and I've stuffed that one up!
Although he is not blameless in all of this." Though
I would forgive him tomorrow. Damn it.
"Are you sure you could not settle for me?" Angela,
smiled but I could feel the loneliness and deep need.
"Angela you are fantastic! You really don't want anyone
to 'settle' for you, you are worth so much more."
This seemed to please her and she went home happy,
but I've made a mental note not to encourage her anymore-
it's just not fair. I'm still not gay.
Spent this morning being a Bank Holiday dressed in
my red satin PJ's watching taped episodes of 'Most
Haunted' and remembering how happy I'd been with Alan.
We used to laugh and mock the programme, then spook
eachother out like kids when it finished! I can't
believe that I've only been with him since march and
it is already over. So there I sat, looking attractive
for a thirty-something fuckwit when there was a hammering
at the door.
She stood there like Lauren Bacall, tall blonde,
angular and smoking like a chimney. Her clothes were
vintage Prada and her lips blood red. Fuck me.
"Mother!" I squeaked.
"Don't you 'Mother'me Rebecca!"
Then she forced her way into my flat, with suitcases.
Help me!
Becka (I need all the support I can get!)

ICE BATHS AND WET BLANKETS

My bum still feels like it's been toasted on an open
fire! Sat in a cold bath meditating, didn't work, so
ended up masturbating which had an instant effect. But
it did not solve anything. I begged Alan to come around
and he did, but I have to tell you it was not great.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey." I said. Alan looked heartbreakingly lovely, I wanted
to put my treacherous female arms around him and capture
him for keeps. It was not to be.
"What a mess Becks." He sat next me on the sofa and
gently held my hand.
"Can it be fixed?" I said ever hopefully.
"Not this time,no-I've actually tried to make a
go of it with Pru these last couple of days."
I felt my insides turn to ice again.
"No! Bloody hell Alan, but I love you!" I started
crying in a really blubby (and snotty) sort of way.
"I love you too, but it's not working out, you do
not have it in your nature to be faithful."
"I could try! Have you slept with her already?"
The look on his face showed that he had.
"Fuck you Alan! It's better when we're together, we
are happy! We belong together." I could see that he
was trying not to cry.
"It's too complicated and with Ruth involved,
it's too much for me Becks, I can't face it all."
"Did you sleep with Ruth?" I grabbed his face between
my hands and stared into his dark eyes.
"Not in the way you thought I did."
"But you did?" My breath felt wheezy like I'd been
running up hill.
"Yes I did." Alan sighed;"I really regret it and I
know that it does not sound very gentlemanly-but
it was Ruth who did all the pursuing. But I
was too weak to admit it. I guess I just made it worse."
"I can't lose you-I won't." I gripped his hands
tightly:"We've both made mistakes maybe it's time to
begin again?"
"No, I'm with Pru now."
So that was the bottom line.
We spent the afternoon just holding hands.
"Don't be a stranger?"
"Never."
To make matters worse after he had left I found
my rear was even more painful. I ended up swaddled in
a wet blanket like a Monty Phyhon take on Ghandi.
Today I have just hung around the flat like a
wraith, not eating or drinking but still puffing on
cigarettes. Angela's coming around later and the
worse bit is I don't care one way or the other.
Becka

WEIRD TWO

I am conditioned to work on a saturday it is
the law. I go to work paint more faces then the whole
week put together and generally enjoy myself. I miss
Zoey, my life is now like a Missing Persons list. Alex,
Ruth, Alan and now Zoey-perhaps it's my fault. I'm too
keen and eager. Oh well. I slipped off the lease today
(meaning I escaped a deep and exploritory) with Angela
and headed to my nearest DIY which is B&Q. I had decided
to get blinds instead of my old withered curtains. But
it was on the way out that Weird One happened.
If you are reading my blog (which I doubt from the lack
of comments!) then you might recall and incident
involving old ladies swapping cars in Tesco's car park.
Talk about an upgrade-lose a Panda gain a Jag!
Well the very same ladies pulled up this time in an
ancient mini metro, out they got and did they shop?
No they did not, instead they strolled across to a
blood red Mercedes. What are they up to? I sat on Aunt
Pat's Vespa scratching my head, they had keys to the
car, but why do they always change their cars so
dramatically?
Answers in the Comments box please! Because I don't
know! Then I realized that Vespa's were really not the
right vehicle to transport the blinds home. Piss it.
I am strongly lacking in people with cars, Sisterthing
would tell me to shove it up my arse. I'm not phoning
Angela and could not bare to see Alan's reproachful eyes.
So it had to be The Shit. Give him his due, he only
kept me waiting and hour and a half. He looked sexy
and evil as usual, his eyes went to my hair and then to
my crotch.
"Why did you not get them to deliver it you silly bitch?"
He said kindly.
Well? Because I hadn't thought of it! Duh!
I had to ask him in for a coffee, it was only polite.
"I have a percolator now, how do you like your
beans?" I asked.
"You know how I like them-shaken, smashed and then
gently sucked through your teeth." As always his hand
was on his dick.
Trust him to make it sound rude and suggestive.
"Jeff!" I laughed, he stood behind me in the kitchen.
"I like your hair this short, never thought I would.
It's sexy, makes you look young and naughty. Are you
still a naughty girl?" His sharp blue eyes shone with
humour.
Weird Two.
"I am beyond naughty." And I told him about Angela.
"Bloody hell!" He muttered and roughly pulled down my
jeans.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I squeaked feebly.
"That's bad-definitely in need of some Correction."
He un-plugged the kettle.
"What are you up to?" I felt a bit scared, was he
going to really hurt me this time?
But I need not have worried, he un-hooked the flex
from the kettle socket and began to rhythmically beat me
on the buttocks with this. I'm blushing just thinking
about it!
"You are bad Becka! Say it!"
"I'm bad!"
"Are you loving it?"
"No!" I lied and he smacked me harder.
"I'm loving everything!" I was too!
He made a grunting sort of sound and the next minute
his trousers were on the floor. I should have said
No.
"Open up for the dentist man! I'm coming in!"
It was really good, tragic really, Jeff's a shit and
I'm a fuckwit. But it did clear the cobwebs away.
"I'm getting married you know." He said when we did
finally get around to having somthing to drink.
"Am I invited?"
"I don't think so! You can come to the Stag night if
you wish." His twinkling eyes promised all sorts.
"Maybe not, oh and thanks for helping me."
"Pleasures all mine."
Do I feel guilty? Hell Yes! I think I will phone Alan
tonight and arrange for us to talk this through.
I'm sore so I shall rest my sore bum in a cold bath and
see what happens. With Alan not my bum.
Becka

ANGELA (Going down)

I love Sex in The City, really I do-it could be
written for me if:
1./I was gorgeous
2./I was rich
3./I gave a shit
4./I could shop without having panic attacks

Because I don't really match the criteria to be a
real SATC girl it does not mean that I can't learn
from the gems of knowledge it bestowed.
Like the episode when Charlotte started hanging out
with the rich lesbians and the leader of this exclusive
club said: "If you don't eat pussy then your not a dyke."
This could be said of me, I can act as butch and
reckless as anyone. I've kissed Alex and Ruth with
tongues and had a naked shower with both of them.
But at the end of the day, I really have not got the
ability to muff-munch. I'm not equipped for it.
My failing.
When Angela awoke from her sleep, she slid down the
sheets (and down on me). I hated it, really I did.
Of course I'm lying and enjoyed every moment, but I
wasn't thinking of her. Firmly inside my head was
Kevin Kline and I managed to get off on it, my orgasm
was as intense and wonderful as any other.
"Now you do me!" Enthused Angela. I got down there
and stopped, frozen (what was I doing?)she lifted
her pelvis and practically stuffed it into my face.
"Go on, eat my little pie." She cooed sweetly.
Little? Everything about Angela is generously
proportioned, muff included. I had not the heart to
disappoint her, I tried and promptly gagged.
"Are you ok?" She asked with some concern.
"In a manner of speaking." I got on with it, luckily
she was so excited it was over in a couple of seconds.
"You are an angel!" She trilled kissing me passionately.
Then why did I feel so shitty? She really was a nice
lady, she deserved better.
"Angela you do realize that I am straight don't you?"
I said quietly.
"Yes-but that's something we can get by." Angela
smiled to reveal her beautiful (big) teeth.
"I don't want to. You saw my boyfriend Alan." I was
really trying not to hurt her.
"I did." Angela chewed her lip instantly reminding me
of Ruth, I felt a pang of loneliness but pushed it
away. "Becka what ever happens we have the 'here and
now'I know I can't keep you, but we can have fun!"
She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips.
Last couple of days at work have been strange and
sad. I suppose I do care for Angela (but not in
the way she wants) I cause chaos and anarchy where
ever I go. Alan did not phone, Postie did not deliver.
I feel a mad spell coming on.
Becka

HER RULES

Well yesterday was a lesson in embarrassment and
humiliation! Alan shuffled off muttering something
on the lines of:"I can't handle this!"
Sisterthing glared and took Stupidog out to the hall.
"How could you? In front of an impressional dog?"
"I don't know what happened! You have to believe me!"
I squealed.
"Yeah right! I find you naked in bed with Big Momma
and of course, nothing is going on, it never is!
No wonder people get pissed off by you! Poor Alan, he
looked so hopeful standing there with a big bunch of
lilies."
"Flowers? I didn't see any!" I felt frantic and I was
still rather naked. I was hoping up and down the hall
trying to put some jeans on.
"Pathetic Becks." Muttered Raine. "He left them in the
hall. I think you should get your priorities right
before you start another bloody relationship!"
"Got a problem with gay women have you?" Said Angela,
equally naked (perhaps more so) who had crept up
from behind of us.
"No problem at all, my problem is with Becka, not
you." Raine squinted at Angela:"For gods sake put
some clothes on both of you, your making me ill!"
She slammed the door behind her taking her dog with
her.
"What a bigot." Said Angela.
"Hey that's my sister! She's fine." I managed to find
a Fruit-of-the-loom t-shirt, one of Alan's to
cover my modesty. I felt bad and seedy.
"Did we?" I made a rude hand gesture to Angela.
She shook her head ruefully:"No you passed out!
But we have time now, maybe we could...?"
"No! We have to go to work!" I said hastily.
"I'm the boss remember, I say when we work. You
have to remember Becka you are not in a normal
9 to 5 job anymore. Some days you have to work
around the clock, others, like today you can take
it easy and rest. Come rest with me."
So with a heavy heart I followed her back into the
bedroom. All I could think about was Alan and much
to Angela's annoyance, I kept my clothes on.
"Honey you have to relax! Look lets just snuggle
and see what happens eh?" She coaxed.
Luckily before long she was snoring again. At this
rate I will lose Alan and my job! I don't think I
can have sex with her-it's really not for me!
Becka

SLEEPING ON ANGELA

Last night I sat down on my sofa after walking Stupidog in
Kennington Park, my legs were trembling. It could have
been the exertion, but I knew that it was my nerves. What
was expected of me? I'm not a lesbian, how am I supposed
to please the bloody bitch? This is what happens folks
when you sell your soul to the Devil, which was exactly
what I had done. My life was in the doldrums and I was
made an offer, with strings of course (the G variety)
and now I would have to settle my debts. I decided
to wear my most girliest of girls clothes, a pink
sequined dress that was cut short and tight and had been
effective with all the men in my life. I always felt
cheap and tawdry when I wore it, sleazy almost which
was just the look I was after tonight. Obviously from
the hints and the trousers, Angela wanted me to look
boy-wise. Screw that! Tonight I dug out the false eye-
lashes and painted my lids shiny white and purple
with my lips a hot pink. I looked mad with my black
hair and the vivid colours, the epitimol mod queen.
We met in the kind of wine bar which makes you wish
your'd brought your lawyer with you, everyone looked
shrewd and vampirish. Hated the place already. I saw
Angela wearing a red velvet smock thing and her hair
was piled high. She looked me up and down.
"Becka! You look gorgeous, sit next to me." She moved
about an inch so I was forced to sit nearly on her
lap.
"Snug eh?" I joked, her eyes dilated.
"Very. I think we should give this place a miss
and go straight back to mine, much nicer."
The bird that was flapping inside my chest made a
break for it and I stood up rapidly.
"No! Not Yet! It's my round what will you have?"
Yeah I know I sound common. Her disappointment
was palpable.
"If you insist I'll have the red wine, the barman
knows which one I like."
Shit shit shit shit on a stick!
Stood at the bar willing a miracle to happen,
Alan would enter, whisk me off to an indulgent life-
style and I would be happy. Didn't happen.
So I bought back our drinks and we sat talking about
work. How I was finding my new position and what was
a beautiful clever woman like myself doing with her
life? Surely I should have been married off, or
in a steady relationship by now? Well yeah!
A couple more drinks later and I was ready for
anything! Don't think wine agrees with me much.
Woke up this morning with my head resting
on Angela's vast chest! But she was smiling and I
was naked! Caught Stupidog's eye and he looked
away in embarrassment. I know how he felt. I did
not know what to say. A moment later my world
officially ended, Sisterthing let herself into
my flat with her key and she had brought Alan
with her!
"surprise! Look who I found lurking about!
Oooh fuck!"
Raine gawped and Alan's mouth nearly hit the floor.
Angela sat up straight in bed making no effort at
all to cover her sun stopping breasts.
"Hi I'm Angela, Becka's girlfriend!"
I hid under the covers, bloody hell and I could
not remember anything.
Becka

I LOVE YOUR CUTE SIDEBURNS

I sat trying to get my head around a column of
figures and maths was never my strong point. Every
now and then Angela would say 'Your doing really well!'
In a patronizing way, but I wasn't. It was probably
harder to concentrate because she was practically sitting
on my knee. Blast. I suppose I set myself up for those
things.
"You have very downy cheeks." Said Angela in a silky
voice.
"Um, yeah, hormonal I think, I'll get them waxed
soon." How embarrassing!
"Oh no! They look so soft-and kissable." She leaned
forwards and stroked my cheek. Shit.
"I'll grab us some coffees!" I squeaked and hurried
away.
SHIT SHIT SHIT
What next?
"Would you like to come to mine for a drink
tonight?" Asked Angela in a voice that would not
take no for an answer.
"Lovely! But I must get home first and walk my
dog!"
"A dog how charming? What kind?"
"A stupid one."
I used to be strong and tough , assertive even,
but when Angela speaks my legs turn to jelly.
Perhaps all that hanky-spanky were signs that I
could be a complete pushover. I don't want to be
gay. Help!
Becka

THE ONE AND ONLY-ALAN

Spoke to Alan last night and it confirmed all my
doubts about phoning him in the first place!
When I told him about my new job and hinted at the
dubious nature of my boss-to-be Angela Grade he was
rather less then supportive.
"I thought you liked lesbians."
"I do, they are really cool-but I don't want to be
one!"
"Why are you encouraging her then, you are a Muff-tease!"
He chuckled deep in his throat. I told him about my
hair. He tutted and grumbled away like a spinster aunt.
"Not again Becka! So we both have shaven hair, shall
we start a new sect?"
"Cheating boyfriend arse-hole club?"
"I don't think so." But he did laugh and :"Pru's
been around, I told her to sling her hook for good.
I said that we had to work through our problems
and that she was contributing to them."
"Really? Talk about closing the stable door after
the horse has bolted! I should feel flattered, I
don't , you and these silly women have caused
all the problems in the first place!"
"What about your DC Big-Dick and 'The Shit'? They
were not standing around holding any coats you know,
they were actively participating!"
"That's different." I pursed my lips, men always pass
the buck (back to me).
"Thought it would be. Anyway if you need me you
know where I am." I did not want this to end, this
connection, but I let him go anyway.
"Probably won't need you, bye."
I resisted the urge to ask him to keep me company
after all I had Stupidog to walk. Bastard
mutt is already getting on my nerves, he's already
tried to deflower my low table.
Work today was non existent, I swear all that woman
does is lunch. No wonder she's fat. Spent all morning
watching health and safety videos and filling in forms.
Then we had a two hour lunch. Then Angela suggested
that we have a look at some oriental material in
a swatch folder, whilst telling me that I had the
bluest eyes. Hmmm. I gritted my teeth, how low could
I go? Ask Angela, I'm sure that she could find new
depths for me to sink to. Finally texted Alex back to
congratulate and scold her.
Becka (sad lonely)Martin

STUPIDOG

It's no good, the lack of sleep, space and
sanity is really getting to me. I think I'll have to
take my chances with the 'postie'and go home,
not that there's been any activity in that area for
awhile. Sister-thing is lovely and so is her husband
D, Aidan is a sweetchild (apart from putting toast
in my ear) but it is the lack of privacy and Stupidog
which has made my mind up. They only have one loo which
is in the bathroom, so like:
"Becka? Aidan wants to use the loo can he come in?"
"I'm in the bath!"
"He's only 3! He's not going to look at you he just
wants to do a pee."
"Oh alright then."
Then the hell-child comes in and does the biggest,
stinkiest dump this side of an elephant!
Stupidog is the worst though, he has that name for
a really good reason. He's a myopic moron. We
found him as a stray chasing buses in the middle of
Brixton high street.
"Oh look at that stupid dog! He's going to get himself
killed!" So Raine took the daft thing home and has
had him for about five years now. He is house trained,
no accidents there, but for the best part he is hopeless.
He chews shoes, tears up the mail, never likes
going for walks much. He would much rather lay under the kitchen table eating all the wet bits Aidan drops.
Stupidog practically screams when it's time to go out.
Guess who had to walk him last night? Oh and he thinks
he's really hard, thinks he could take on a rottweiler
and a pitbull at the same time. Told you he's myopic.
In fact he's tiny not much bigger then a small Jack
Russell. Last night this guy was walking two staffies,
you know the type burberry baseball cap to cover a
lack of brain, spaced out eyes, history of GBH.
Well Stupidog really went for it didn't he? I had to
grab the foolish mutt by the throat, throw him over
my shoulder and leg it with these two staff monsters
baying like the Hound of the Baskervilles.
"You can't leave! It might not be safe! If you
must go take Stupidog with you." Said Raine.
"Sod off! He's why I'm going!"
"No I insist, I'll come around to walk him at lunch
time, so you will only have to walk him in the morning
and at night. He will be company for you."
So that's how I've managed to get home, bloody
little mutt! I have decided to phone Alan, just to
see if he's ok and to tell him about my job, new haircut
and temporary pet. God I miss him.
Becka

MARRIED WITHOUT BRIDESMAID

How should I feel now? Delighted for my friend's
good fortune, envious and tearful, excited even?
How about completely pissed off. What a selfish
bitch (Alex not me!) I have waited the better part of
my life in hope that I would be a bridesmaid one day
and wear a hideous peach coloured dress the size of
a house. I feel robbed. I refrained from texting her
back straight away, I would have to curb myself using
that useful tool-alcohol. But I had to choose some
clothes first, after all I had a new job to consider.
I wondered if Ruth knew, normally I would have been
on the phone to her, running Alex down and demanding
that the Bride retake her vows the minute she sets foot
on British Soil again.
Hmm, had that achy lonely feeling again (an Alan hold-
me moment). Then Angela Grade entered my changing cubicle without even calling out! Luckily I had my underwear
still on!
"Have you decided on anything yet?" She said and
fingered a navy blue Vivenne Westwood.
"No-I like it all, perhaps there is too much
choice, you decide for me." What the hell was I on?
Letting another woman ( a boss woman )choose my
clothes for me!
"Bless you! I'd be delighted." She was quite
enthusiastic, especially the way she touched my
zips and buttons (no pun intended-yeah right!).
I settled on a black Chanel trouser suit , really
special and not at all me. Also a Donna Karen jacket
and some cheaper highstreet pieces to ring the changes.
I did not like to think how much it all cost.
"Right that's you kitted out, next we need to
get you a haircut and then maybe go on to lunch?"
I really did not want anyone touching my hair
except Ruth, mind you I would not trust Ruth anywhere
near me now especially not with a sharp instrument.
I think I will aim towards growing a bob shape and start
to grow it all long again. But Angela had other ideas.
"Cut it very short with a spiky fringe." She ordered
our resident trimmer, he looked at me and rolled his
eyes.
"Hey Angela! I really want to grow my hair long
again, I don't really like short hair." I said
nervously.
"You had long hair? Impossible to imagine my dear!
Short suits you so much better and if you have a really
sharp cut it will make your eyes show all the more."
With one nod at the hairdresser he began to cut
and cut again, then he brought out the clippers!
"Wait a minute!" But too late he had cropped the hair
severely into the back of my neck.
Looking in the mirror I appeared to have morphed
into a teenage boy.
"Don't you think I look a bit butch?" Forget the
bridesmaid with this hair!
"No! Why do you say that? You look lovely, so
fresh and clean." She leaned over and smelled the
nape of my neck.
"Mmm lovely." She murmured, what hair was left
began to rise. I caught the eye of the hairdresser
again, his mouth was gaping!
After a long lunch I returned back to Sisterthing's
place. I felt awful with this hair, I would have
to invest in a wig as everytime I caught sight of myself
I felt like howling.
"Becka! Someone's stolen your hair!" Raine shrieked.
"Don't ask." I sunk into one of her squelchy
leather arm chairs.
"I don't like it to be honest Becks, you look
a bit rough." She kindly admitted.
"Say it-I look like the butchest Dyke this side
of Prisoner Cell Block H.
"Yes you do." Which was the truth and with this
little moustache that keeps making an appearance,
I was well on the way to dildo city.
I felt thoughrily miserable, when Ruth had fixed
my mad hack job I had felt feminine and sexy. I
just felt terrible now, not me at all. Bloody Angela
Grade!
Well she could pay for hair extensions! I wished I was
coming into work so that I could say goodbye to Zoey.
I bet Justine will tell her a right load of shit.
Becka

GREEN

Started work today happily sorting through
a new consignment of Ruby & Millie lipsticks
when another faceless executive edged towards
my counter.
"Miss Martin , Miss Grade has phoned through
to say that you are to finish work today. Please
make sure the counter is secure before leaving it."
"I thought I was supposed to work today and tomorrow,
have I done something wrong?" I was worried and Justine
was grinning at me like a damned chimp. I guess she
thought I was getting the sack,well it did actually
feel very much like that!
"No on the contrary, you are to go to Ladies Attire
on the second floor and choose yourself a couple of
suits. Miss Grade said to get the best." He turned
on his heel mumbling ;"Now I've got to arrange cover!"
Justine scuttled over (like a cockroach).
"Have they finally ousted you my dear?" She cooed.
"Nope. Promotion. I'm now going to be a PA!" Her face
was green.
"I see. I take it you will be working with Miss Grade?"
"Yes I will."
"Good luck! You will need it!" She laughed.
"Will you miss me?" I said.
"Yeah can't live without you!" Justine walked off
shaking her head. It was strange, in a way I would
miss her! She was part of my life for so long, the
shop, counter, customers, everything! Also I was
a bit niggled that it had been all so quickly, nobody
had got me a card, or taken me down the pub. It did not
seem fair.
I missed Alan badly, it was like a gnawing ache in
my side. Still did not have the heart to phone Alex,
she would only worry or worse still get the next flight
home. In the changing cubicle I sat down and texted her
instead.
"Hey Alex, good news I'm going to be a PA!" A couple
of minutes later when I was squeezing myself gingerly
into a Prada grey suit I received Alex's reply.
"Congrats! Sean doing , big star soon, guess what?
Married!"
Sod the suits, I need a drink!
Becka

MEN ARE SATAN'S SPAWN (EXCEPT MY DAD)

I phoned Alan and screamed down the phone
(as you do with shifty,worthless boyfriends).
"I really thought you were different you pig!"
"You've see Ruth I take it." He sighed in a resigned
way:"I guess she's put paid to our relationship then."
"Well-yeah! Why did you think that you could have both
of us?" I shook my head in disbelief.
"There is only one woman I want."
"That's patently obvious! Ruth's escatic." I snapped.
"Ruth is a liar, I can't say any more until your
ready to hear it."
"How very cryptic! Stick the Vespa up your arse Al,
not interested in anything you can give me." That
really hurt by the way, I loved that bike!
"You are always hurting yourself Becka, don't throw
away the best thing you ever had." He pleaded.
"I admit the Vespa is perfect."
"I didn't mean the damn bike! I meant us."
"I'd hardly call us perfect, an ex wife lurking
about, hardly a catch are you?" I was obviously
styling it out, but he was near as damn it, perfect
(for me). Shit.
"Just stay in touch with me ok? Maybe everything
will work out. I'm seeing Ruth tonight, to try
to cool her down, I've never met a woman who
scared me more then her."
"Ruth?" She is tiny, pretty, non-scary." She did
say that you were coming around. She said that you
are now her boyfriend, so good luck!"
"Don't be childish, she is nothing to me, not even
a friend now. You can't see it can you? For one
moment you cannot see that I may be the victim here.
Well, take care." He hung up. Hmm. Whatever I was
on the brink of a new career and if I was lucky
Mickey Straw would catch the stalker and I could go
home. Balamory is starting to get to me, especially
Josie Jump. Much too busy.
Becka

NEED WANT TAKE HAVE

At Tescos yesterday afternoon I was packing shopping
in the back of the Vespa when something strange happened.
An ancient Fiat Panda pulled up in the car park next to me
and 3 elderly ladies got out. Nothing strange there right?
Well a brand spanking new Jaguar was parked opposite the
Panda they all piled into this car. Without shopping.
I kind of thought it was very Tarantino, was it some sort
of heist? What was going on? Very strange. I suppose this
set the theme for the rest of the evening. Later when I
arrived at Ruth's complete with pounding heart and
sweaty palms she met me at the door. She looked odd.
No she did not have on a negligee, backcombed hair and
a cigarette burning in an amber holder. She was totally
unsmiling and white as a sheet.
"Hi Ruth, can I come in?" I said breezily like I'd
come to borrow a cup of sugar.
"Sure." The voice was dead. My heart threatened to
explode from my chest and burst like a firework.
"Look." I said:"Alan has been saying completely crazy
stuff about you girl!" I laughed hysterically:"I just
wanted to hear your side of the story."
"What did he say?" Ruth said and looked away, her fingers
were plucking at eachother nervily.
So I told her in a joky, what-a-laugh sort of way.
"So": I finished:"What do you think of that?"
"I think he's a prick." She said softly:" All men are,
I don't want to hurt you babe that was the last thing on
my mind. But well, me and Alan are having a sort of
a 'thing' going on?"
My heart did not explode, it crystallized and crumpled.
"I see."I said tightly:"How could you Ruth? You are my
best friend!"
"I am your friend, but Alan well, he's something I
want, he's clever, handsome and funny. You never seemed
that bothered by him. It was a case of 'need want take have'.
I know it was wrong, but sometimes theses things happen.
Your'll get over him."
"He said that it was you, that he wasn't interested
at all." I was trying to deal with her contemptuous
attitude.
"To use the words of Rice-Davis ' well he would say that
wouldn't he?' grow up Becks, I know you think you've
got it made with the guys. But quite simply he preferred
me to you. You have to face it love-it's over. He's
my boyfriend now, infact he is coming around this very
night!" She beamed at me.
"You traitorous bitch!" I spat.
"Don't be like that, I'm sure we will laugh about it
one day!" Then she smiled and for the first time in
my life I wanted to hurt her, make her scream.
"You disgust me!" I snapped and stormed out, Ruth
made no attempt to stop me. I will phone Alan later,
what a snake!
Becka

CONFIDE IN ME

My nerves are jangly (could be the 15 cups of
coffee I've drank) could be the fact I'm meeting
Ruth tonight for 'THE BIG TALK'. But most probably
it was the lunch time meeting with Angela Grade. To
begin with she was very late, 30 minutes, I sat in
the small cafe near where I worked waiting for her
and prantically wringing my hands in anguish. I knew
what would happen, she would turn up and I would have
to go back to work. I would look like the rude one,
even though it was her who was late. Blast. When she
did finally arrive she drifted in wearing something
that could have come from a extra-large branch of
Arabian nights. She looked good, I must say, like
a purple tent with tassels on and her blonde hair
straight and shiny, probably ironed flat.
"Oh hi Becka! I'm sorry I'm late!" She kissed me
wetly on the cheek (I really wanted to wipe myself,
but that would have been rude).
"We had better order quickly as I have to be back to
work in 25 minutes." I pulled a rueful face like the
consummate actress that I am.
"Oh I've fixed it, you have another hour and a half,
believe me Becka when you lunch with the big girls
lunch can take some time!" She laughed.
I bit my tongue hard to try to stop myself saying
something stupid.
"What will you have? Choose anything, all on the
company's expenses! Oooh I'll have a cheese and bacon
topped half pounder with wedges and salad! Yourself?"
"Um, I'll have the grilled chicken and fries."
"Nonsense! I insist you have something a bit tasty,
how about the fillet steak?" She beamed like a 100
watt bulb.
"Ok then, but I'll have a jacket potato instead of
fries in that case."
"You girls! Always watching your weight, you have
nothing to worry about." I could swear that she leered
at me and I do me a straight up ogle. I blushed, why
the fuck did this woman have this effect on me?
She talked ten to the dozen all through the meal,
then she landed one on me.
"I think Becka that I would like you to be my personal
assistant, how would that suit you?" Her eyes bored
into me shrewdly.
"I'm very flattered, really I am, but I haven't
had that kind of experience." I admitted.
"Don't worry about anything darling! I will train
you and we can always send you on a IT course. You
will be fine and we'll have so much fun!"
What could I do? I was in a dead end job at 34 and
no real prospects.
"In that case Angela, I accept!" We shook hands,
but when I went to pull away, she held onto me tightly.
"I'm going to enjoy working with closely with you."
She said in a breathy voice. You could practically
hear Sid James laugh. Fuck. When we were eating our
tirimisu she placed her hand on my knee.
"I'll take care of you." She murmured and her hand
slipped higher. I was just glad I was wearing trousers!
What would Alex have done? 'Get off me bitch!' and a
flying headbutt. I felt seedy and a bit nasty, I was
a willing victim wasn't I? I wanted this job and
Angela, from her actions had made it blatently
clear what she wanted from me. This was one secret
I would not be sharing with Sister-thing or the Fuckwits.
I was very glad when I managed to escape back to
work. I would be 'starting' with Angela from monday.
Time to invest in a chastity belt methinks! No
really! I seem to always have to pay for everything
I get. So now to prepare for Ruth, she for one
would normally have loved a fruity story like this.
I hope our friendship will survive, I really
hope that Alan is to blame. No I don't! I miss the
git already.
Becka

RAY OF LIGHT

I lay inert on the sofa drifting in and out
of sleep to the sound of TellyTubbies. BigCook
LittleCook started and I drifted into a dream,
I was riding high on LittleCook Small's wooden
spoon, suddenly something wet and squashy was
inserted in my ear. I screamed-in the dream and
real life. My bloody nephew had placed a piece
of soggy toast into my lughole!
"Hey!" I shouted.
"Oh your awake, finally, get up you lazy cow."
Said Raine and set about dressing her son Aidan
who was grinning at me with his gappy smile. I
scowled at him.
"Do you want some breakfast?"
"Nope, I've already had some toast. Coffee would
be nice though."
"Sure would, make me one while your at it." Said
Sister-thing and winked at me. I did a bit of a
double take, with no make-up on and her hair like
a birdsnest, she looked remarkably like Bette Midler.
"I'll make you coffee if you sing 'The wind beneath
my wings'." I chuckled.
"Fuck off." She said sourly.
After a fight for the bathroom, I readied myself
for work.
"When are you going to see Ruth?"
"That would be, lets see, when hell freezes over."
I sipped my drink, ugh, it already had a skin-nasty.
"You have to face her eventually. Get it all out in
the open and deal with it." She was fighting Aidan
trying to make his wavy hair lay flat, she was losing
the battle.
"Who made you the sage of south London?"
"Go and earn some money, oh and bring back some
shopping will you?" She gave me a list the length of
her arm. Great, the Vespa would probably buckle
under the weight of it all.
At work Justine stood like an Ice Maiden, any guy
shagging her would get frostbite on his gonads.
"Hello Justine, been to any nice funerals lately?"
I smiled sweetly at her.
"The only funeral I want to go to is yours." She
pursed her lips like an old catfish.
"Ooh sweetie didn't know you cared!" I simpered.
"I don't." She snapped.
"Well I do!" Said a friendly voice, turning I
saw Angela Grade, the Madonna wannabe secret shopper
spy (try saying that when your pissed!)
"Oh hello Ms Grade." I groveled.
"Angela please!" She then said that we should do
lunch one time, maybe tomorrow? I wondered why, but
yeah I agreed.
"I might have a proposition for you." She smiled
and tapped the side of her nose (which I hate).
"Look forward to it." I said, she actually blushed
which made me feel a little uneasy. But hell at least
I wasn't getting the sack.
"Becka's got a girlfriend, Becka's got a girlfriend!"
Sang Justine .
"Fuck off you!"
"Don't you know the rumours? Angela's a big lezzie
dyke, she will snap you like a twig hon!" Justine
laughed. She went off singing Ray of Light.
Hmm, well I've already got too much to worry about,
I'm sure even if Angela is gay she will not
fancy me. Anyway, who cares? Left a message on
Ruth's phone to see if I can go to see her tomorrow
night after work. When I see her I will know. I hope.
Becka
P.s Big thanks to the people who comment(honoury
fuckwits!)

CHILLED

After work yesterday, returned to Alan's to bag
up my stuff. This felt like failure-but rather then
be beaten I kept my face stony and my buttocks tight.
Whoever's fault this was, it sure wasn't mine. Ok,if
you've read this blog you will know that I'm not whiter
then white. But what Alan has done with Ruth is
sacriledge, you do not force yourself between friends.
Well, not unless they want you to, for a weird three-
some thingy!
Alan sat with me when I had finished packing, as he had
said before, sometimes all the words are used up.
I could not get over the change in him, he seemed so
worn and dare I say it, old. Without his hair and
goatee, he seemed almost invisible.
"Becka." He said barely above a whisper and his
hand tried to cover mine.
"Just leave it won't you?" I still had that cold
feeling inside like somone had turned my intestines
into ice.
"I won't leave it, never. Look speak to Ruth then
phone me." He kissed my cheek and a tear dripped onto
my face.
"Alan you are such a sissy!" I said and handed him
back the keys to the new Vespa.
"What is this? I don't want it back, it's for
you whatever happens."
"Just hold onto them for now, I'll see."
So that was how I had left him sobbing like a big
girl and acting like he was the victim. Men, they
always turn it around!
What I did not need was a visit from the postie,
however that was just what I got. As I opened my
door my feet crunched on something, gingerly I
looked down. Ugh-not nice, it looked like the contents
of someone's gut! Ugh! It was someone's gut,
someone had decided to treat me to the butcher's offal
collection, tripe, liver, guts yuk! I really
hoped that this was animal and not some sick offering
from a psychopath. Then I remembered what Mickey Straw
had said about my heart on the satellite dish.
I phoned DC Straw, but he was on voicemail so I
left a message.
Then I phoned Sister-Thing. She freaked.
"Get the hell out of there now! Come here!"
So that was what I did, later Mickey had obviously
got his message, he turned up at Raine's.
"It's been sent to the lab, it looked like your
average run of the mill tripe and innards though."
"I am relieved." I said sourly.
"Look, you will not be able to go back to your flat
until this business is finished alright? Raine will
put you up won't you?"
"Yeah 'course." She said, however I hated to impose
as she had herself, hubby, child and stupidog all
in a one bedroomed flat. I could handle one night on
the sofa, but not much more. Besides, I would get
bored with BigCook LittleCook.
I would have to find something more semi-permanent.
I almost (though not quite) felt like phoning Alan
up. After Mickey had left I told Sister-thing what
had alledgedly happened between Alan and Ruth.
"The fucking whore!" Spat Raine.
"Whoah sister! I think it was Alan's fault."
She blew a loud raspberry:"I'm not saying that he
is blameless, but I'm sure that Ruth is the one
who started all of this with him. She probably
launched herself all, Sharon Stone style at him."
"You really think that?"
"I don't like her, what do I know?" Raine began
to bustle in the kitchen like a dynamo, time to
retreat to the lounge and have a fag.
"No smoking you bitch! Go outside."
So now I am homeless and have to smoke outside
facing the elements.
Spent all of sunday in the park, did not even
go home for dinner. I wished this was all over,
the stalky thing was beginning to really scare
me and the Alan thing was too painful to think
about.
Becka

GETTING A GRIP

Although my insides felt like they had been put
through a blender, I did brave work today.
Realistically, I am a working class girl and if I don't
work, I don't eat. I kept my eyes down like a virgin
bride and tried not to look at Justine at all.
Zoey was more difficult.
"Becka! You look like shit! Big night?" She laughed.
"You could say that." I mumbled and began to clean my
counter. Almost straight away a woman appeared.
"I would like to try some make-up." She said brightly.
"What look are you trying to achieve." I said in
monotone.
She smiled at me:"I would like to look like Madonna
in the Ray of Light video!"
Zoey nearly choked on her bubblegum, I glared at
her.
"So a fresh healthy look with some shimmer?" I
suggested. I began to work, the woman was attractive,
dark blonde hair and very good skin. She was also
clinically obese. She did look good after I had
finished, like a golden Dawn French.
"There! What do you think?" I asked her. She frowned,
moved her hair around and frowned again.
"But." She said sullenly:"I don't look like Madonna."
"Listen honey we are make up artists, neither of us
attended Hogwarts or are on a direct line to god!"
I snapped, shit what the hell was I on? Zoey burst out
laughing and fled. The woman turned on me.
"How rude." She said quietly, although she did not
seem very upset at all.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean it." I said, horrified
now. My mouth will be the death of me!
"I'm actually a Secret Shopper sent from Head Office
to check the performance of the staff. My name is
Angela Grade." She grinned like a cat with a mouse
(if they grin)and like a mouse I felt squeaky.
"That's blown it." I said shakily:"Shall I get my
coat?"
"I should report you really, but." She began to
laugh:"You really are rather funny! Don't worry I
will say that you were fine."
"Why? I've messed up bigtime." I could not believe
it was the end of it.
"Lets just say, I needed a giggle alright? Look
here's my card." She proffered it to me.
"Thanks Angela and I do mean thanks!" I said
gratefully.
"No problem, Hogwarts hey?" She walked off laughing.
Zoey crept back.
"Oh that was so funny! I will have to be more careful
in future, you definitely will!" It's all so easy
at 16 right?
"I'm not cut out for working with people, really
I should just work in an office somewhere, or
better still a lighthouse."
My head was hurting through lack of sleep and
my eyes burned.
"Your not going to cry are you?" Asked Zoey whose
very eyes were already filling with tears. "Because
if you do then I will too!"
"Nope I'm fine, I'll take you at lunch time to
Starbucks ok?"
"Oooh! Can I have a milkshake?"
"Baby, anything you want." Which made her smile
and she began to hum Britney Spear's latest as
she pottered about the counter.
Still cannot get my head around what to do
next. Alan is dead in the water at this time
(at least as far as I'm concerned)but I did need
to speak to Ruth. Also sadly, this meant that I
would have to go back to my flat. I'd begun
to take a shine to Alan's. Deep joy-all I needed now
was the mad postie.
I'm sure that Ruth will be ok, won't she?
Becka

UGLY

I did not go to work today, I will not go
to work ever again. I will spend my life as
a tramp eating food from dustbins and drinking
Special Brew. I do not want to exist like this-
feeling betrayed and vunerable, like a snail without
it's shell. Oh I've been very good at fortifying my
shell, over the years it's got exceptionally thick and
strong. But it's been blasted away now by a double
whammy, people who you let in the closest hurt you the
most.
"Alright Becka, this is what happened." Said Alan last
night. He sat trembling on his bed looking scared, I
smiled.
"Nothing can be that bad, whatever it is, we can
work through it." I said with the stupidity of
someone making a sweeping statement.
"After you left for work the other day, you know
when we had been drinking with Ruth?"
Oh I knew what was coming.
"That Pru, she made a play for you right? She's
a bloody lunatic!" I spat, I could just imagine
her flouncing in.
Alan shut his eyes tightly.
"No, not Pru." He sighed deeply:"After you left,
Ruth came into the kitchen."
"She was way hungover!" I laughed.
"Please let me finish! She wasn't hungoverat all!
Ruth was very sober and very odd."
"What do you mean by odd?"
"She said." Another deep breath:"She said that
she was in love with me and that you were the
wrong girl for me."
This did not make sense: "Sorry?"
"Ruth said that she wanted to make love to me then
and there or else she would tell you that I had
tried it on with her."
I scanned his face for any humour, there wasn't
any.
"Fuck off! Ruth has an off-the-wall attitude
to life but she would never, ever do that to
me." I said firmly.
"She did Becka." Said Alan softly:"Then she started
to rub herself against me, I was frightened!"
"I don't believe you. Men! Always trying to ruin
the 'Fuckwit' friendships! You disgust me."
I meant it, as much as I loved Alan, Ruth and
Alex had been there for me all along, nobody would
ever manage to split us up.
"Then she got nasty and said that she would
call Alex up and say that I had touched her. She
said that I had do what she wanted, she was very
persuasive. Then she would be content and would leave
us alone." Tears rolled down his thin cheeks,
but I felt nothing for him at all, not an ounce
of compassion.
"Yeah! I believe that! My own dear friend, begging
my stunning boyfriend for sex, how big is your head
Alan? When did you wake up thinking you were Johnny
Depp and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one?"
I smiled at him, not a nice smile more like a
twisted parody.
" I could not even get it up for her, she
was so demented! I felt terrible, Ruth
is your bestfriend and she was acting like a monster!"
"Ruth is cool. So I something did happen, but probably
you assaulted her or something. Did you rape her you bastard?" I realized my voice had risen to a screech.
"No! Becka! She touched me and went down on me."
He actually blushed and shuddered , such a liar! She
is pretty and sexy, no-one would shudder!
"Poor baby!" I put on my fake 'mama' voice.
"No Becka this is serious, she's jealous of you
I think." I looked away from him, what a complete
snake.
Warning bells sounded then as I remembered Sister-
thing saying exactly the same thing.
"Anything more to say?"
"No, but think on this-I did not do anything,
she did everything to me. I've forgiven you
for the Copper, can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?"
"In your dreams buddy! Fuck off NOW!" I roared.
"Becka!" Then after a moment: This is my flat."
He looked shell-shocked.
"Not tonight it isn't, here's my keys, just
go." I felt myself rocking and drew my knees into
my chest like a child. In a minute I'd be sucking
my thumb.
I turned away and after awhile I heard the door
quietly close. My heart was hammering in my chest,
I lay back on the bed and tried to understand the
whole sorry mess. Whatever way it went, it was ugly.
I did not want to deal with it.
Becka

WHAT NEXT?

I am not cut out for the quiet life, this is
evident from my rising blood pressure and near
incontinence! I awoke suddenly at 12 last night
to see a man standing over my bed with shaved hair
and one of those awful puffa-jacket thingies!
I screamed and punched him hard in the face, in
turn he yellowed in pain, I grabbed a cactus and
launched it at his head.
"Becka! It's me!" Oh fuck me, it was Alan!
"Oh baby! I am sooo sorry! What have you done to your
hair?"
"Forget the hair! It's my nose again, how many
times is it going to break before I look like
Michael Jackson?"
"No, your much darker! Oh honey I am sorry, that
coat is unforgivable though."
"It's fine! In case you don't realize it, Scotland
is bloody cold." He sat on the end of the bed, without
his hair his face was all hard planes and sharp angles.
Handsome in a slit-your-throat sort of way.
"There is no excuse for wearing that coat and your poor
hair! After Ruth did a stirling job on it too." I held
his hand, he stiffened, easy, not in that way!
"Becka it really cut me up-you with that copper."
"I know, I did not mean it to happen! But it
made me realize just how much I want to be with you."
I took a deep breath. "Ok this is how it goes, I love
you, you bastard!"
"Becka! Really?" His eyes opened hopefully, it was
like he could not quite believe it was true.
"Don't make me say it again!" I warned.
"Alright, you've come clean so I'd better too. I
love you too right? Really more then anyone ever,
but stuff happens and you are going to have to take
a leap of faith if you want it to work for us."
I did not like the sound of this at all! I took a
deep breath.
"Go on then, tell me." And he did.
Becka

FLAT

(And we're not talking boobs here!) Could not
settle at all in my place last night. The sounds
that had once sent me to sleep, drunks screaming,
glass breaking, dogs howling, now seemed too loud
and too near. Alan's posh flat had spoiled me, I am
now a wannabe middle class cow. It was not something
I aspired to, but it has happened. If I start to vote
Tory and wear fucking tweed, just shoot me.
DC Straw phoned me.
"You silly tart! I don't want you to go anywhere near
that flat! You could be at risk , it could be a psycho,
I don't want any calls telling me you are dead and your
heart is pinned on top of your satellite dish!"
"Please sod off Mickey! I have to live my life, I'll
call you if anything happens. I promise!" Satellite
dish? What a sick mind that's why I like him.
"If your dead how are you going to manage that?" He
demanded.
"Derek Acorah?"
"What?" Bless him I could almost see the confusion on his simian face.
"Oh never mind!" Derek Acorah is a spiritualist medium
off of a programme called Most Haunted which you can
watch on Living TV. Very good, very funny, trust Mick
not too get it. Might be cute , but he's never been the
sharpest tool in the box. His humour veers from sick
to slapstick, give him irony and he wants his mama.
"Will you go back to Alan's?"
"Yeah-I will. But not because you asked me,
I can't sleep here, it's much too noisy and rowdy."
"Oooh get you! Rowdy! Remind me where you were educated
again love?"
"Elephant and Castle same as yourself you cheeky git!" I laughed though, you had to really.
"Personally I think this Alan is far too posh for
you, you need a bit of rough."
"Like you Mick?"
"Hmm could be!" He said in a Hong Kong Phooey
voice.
"I've had enough of rough boys sweetheart, I like
a man with a more cultured facade now."
"Facade is about right! We all are the same in
the dark!"
"And your all full of shit! I'm going to work now,
will check for post when I get back and then on
to Al's."
"Keep me 'posted'."
"Ha bloody ha!"
Becka Martin (working class hero-not a snob)

FAR FROM PERFECT

My so called friend Ruth is a complete evil
cow! No, this is just because she was less then
frilled when I told her what had happened with Mickey
Straw.
"I cannot believe you would do this to Alan!
You finally get a man who is worth something
and you jerk him around!"
"I haven't jerked him around! Hey! I thought
you would be on my side, you are meant to be
my friend!"
"It's just getting to be predictable behaviour from
you now, like boring really."
I caught my breath Ruth is far from perfect, she is
the only person I know who has a annual membership
to the STD clinic! She was once in a really odd
relationship whereupon she was screwing a man, his
wife and get this, their teenage son! Not at the
same time of course and they were not aware of anything
untoward, but still, pot calling the kettle black
and all that!
"I thought you would be more supportive."
"Maybe not this time." She hung up on me!
I phoned Sister-Thing and bleated to her.
"Well you do mess up Becks, but she is a fine one
to talk! Bloody cheek of it, wait until I see her.
You should ignore Queen fuckwit, Ruthie has always
been jealous of you."
"Nah I don't think so, I miss Alex."
"She'll be back and you've always got me."
"That's supposed to cheer me up?"
"Sod off! Little'Uns crying and Stupidog needs a
pee."
I'm at my flat tonight, no sign of any deliveries
and Alan had not bothered to email me.
I could not bare another night with those plants.
Becka

ACCIDENT!

I am the worst person in the world-I do
not deserve to exist. When I crawled into
bed with Mickey everything changed. I realised
I loved Alan, perhaps it's too late. Pru must
have gone off like an air raid siren by now.
I am not a coward-I am brave, I will survive!
So rather then let life happen to me, I made
the first move and emailed Alan. I told him
truthfully what had occurred and waited for his
response and waited..........and waited.
At work today I accidently sprayed concealer on
a posh ladie's shirt.
"Whoops sorry Madam!" I gasped.
"Sorry? This shirt is Versace!" She screeched.
"And very nice too! I'm sure the make-up won't
ruin it."
"Well I'll talk to your manager about this!"
Off she trotted looking like a member of the
quail family. (Little, self important and top
heavy).
The boss (a new one) Ms Sherrin, turned
her wrath on me.
"Ms Martin this is completely unexceptable
behaviour!"
"It was an accident, I did apologise."
"Thats beside the point. Mrs Roul was furious."
"I acted courteously, what else could I do?"
I was beginning to fume myself now.
"You acted correctly by apologising, but to
make amends you should have called a superior,
namely myself, so that I could come to some
arrangement."
The said arrangment was of course to compensate
the old bag, I hate this system where everything
is 'someone's fault'. It was a bloody accident!
Perhaps Mrs Roul's husband should be compensated
for the 'accident' of marrying her and Ms Sherrin's
mother should receive benefit for having a bitch
rather then a baby! There-I feel slightly better
now! (Perhaps you should be compensated for reading
this blog. Perhaps not....it was an accident)
Returned home to find a brief email from Alan:
Becka
Heard from Pru-read your email. We will sort it out
when I come back. Alan.
That was it short and not so sweet. Maybe I should
tell him it's was an accident?
Becka

NOT MAD-BAD

That lovely victorious feeling I had last
night? Gone, vanished, extinguished
watever! I've had a bit of a blip on the
old celibacy front, nothing too heavy
just a bit of fun with DC Straw. Really
it was nothing, I keep saying this to
convince myself.
Had a phone call from Julie, the girl
who lives in the flat below me.
"Hi Becka, it's Jules! Look I thought you
ought to know I've just heard a massive
thud from upstairs, I've called the police."
"Shit! Oh thanks Jules be right over."
I phoned DC Straw on route, I shivered and
shook all the way there. Really I should have
called a cab, I was in danger of getting killed.
When I reached my flat Mickey, Jules and Sister-
thing were waiting. I guessed Mickey had phoned
Raine, she looked strained and her hair was wet
from the shower (or just wet!)
Jules as always was wearing PJ's,
in my head I always saw her this way.
"I gave Mickey the spare key, it's really not pretty
but not as bad as you would think." Warned Raine.
"It's grim though love." Said Mickey.
Somebody had poured red paint through my letter
box then scrawled 'Homewrecker' in mad writing, with
a final flourish (I assume) they had dashed the whole
paint tin violently at the wall. This was what Julie had
heard.
"I'll go in then if your alright." She said.
"Thanks again Jules, your a star."
"No problem at all." She beamed.
Sister-thing Raine made me a cup of coffee with copious
amounts of brandy in it. I gave her the keys to the new
Vespa.
"Your'd better take this home I'm much too shaken to
drive."
"I can't! I have my car with Stupidog in it. Sorry."
She made a rueful face.
"Piss off then." I offered.
"Alright!" Off she went not at all offended.
"Mickey this is not good!" I started to sob, I think
a lot of my emotion problems are probably down
to drink and tiredness, but having a mad 'postie'
never helped anyone.
"Give me the keys, I'll drive you back to Alan's."
Oh yeah I had long forgotten that Mickey had been
a Mod. It felt strange to be clinging on to him, really
like old times. Happy times.
This was how I ended up in bed with him again.
We kissed and touched, but when the gig was up
neither of us wanted to take it any further.
"I love Alan." There it was said.
"I love my wife! I fancy you rotten Becka Martin,
always have always will, when your 70 with
a blue rinse and blinding white dentures, I'll chase
you around on my mobility scooter!"
We slept together like happy children. I felt guilty,
but hey it was only kissing (and touching).
If only we had risen earlier, Pru got in again!
I was making tea and toast when she entered the
kitchen.
"Hey!" I said in shock:"You gave me the keys back,
how did you get in?"
"Alan gave me two sets, you didn't ask for them both
back did you?" She feined innocence and grinned
at me. I was about to throw her out when Mickey
came straight into the kitchen, wrapped in a towel,
all crumpled and gorgeous with sleep.
"I see!" Said Pru and her lip pursed in distaste.
"It's not what you think!" I said frantically. "Mickey!
Say something! This is Alan's ex-wife, she thinks we've,
you know, shagged or something!"
He was still dozy, I suppose because he said:" Only a
kiss or two, nothing too heavy, after all she is my sister."
Pru looked away in disgust.
"No! He's joking!" But she slammed the door as she
left.
"Thanks a bunch!"
"Sorry." He sipped his tea.
No I'm the one who is sorry.
Becka

WIFEY

Today was good, showed Zoey (yet again)
that pink was not the only colour. Justine
made my day though, this was because
her skin was a funny ashen shade and her
normally pristine hair was stuck to her head
with grease.
"So glad you made the effort today Justine!" I
trilled and Zoey clapped her hands together with the
pure pleasure of the moment.
"Fuck you." She mumbled, but later had to be sent
home on account of feeling ill. Must have been a really
late night for her to show up in such a state, really not
her style at all.
"Wonder what she was up too?" Said Zoey.
"Dunno, grave robbing? Satanic practices? Who
knows, but you can bet the Prince of Darkness is
involved somewhere on this one!"
"Who is he? Some new rock star?"
I just shook my head, irony is always wasted if
you have to explain.
Talking of explaining, that was all Jeff did yesterday.
Of course it all boiled down to being my fault! He
even talked tosh about being a weak man and who
could resist a beauty like Estelle?
"If you loved me, you could resist Helen of Troy!"
I am really glad that I am finished with him now, he is
a loser, he is weak. Ok maybe highly shaggable and
a funny, goodlooking guy but so? I am now certain I
am made for better things, Alan things (hopefully).
Checked my mail at my flat, nothing to report there.
Saw Sister-thing, still trying to wheedle Aunt Pat's
bike out of me! Cheeky cow!
Back at Alan's was dismayed to see a vase of fresh
flowers and a bowl of fruit.
Checked the bedroom and the duvet cover and sheets
had been changed. Blast. Who's been sleeping in my bed?
She was still there as well (not the bed) in the kitchen sipping
Earl Grey and looking all reflective and dainty.
"Hello Becka." She said politely.
"Hiya Pru, can you hand over your set of door keys please?"
"What? Alan gave me those keys, he can take them back!"
Her dark brows knitted together ferociously. I was not to
be deterred.
"Fine. I'll call DC Straw and say that I have an intruder, if
that is what you want."
"But I'm not an intruder! I have a right to be here! I water
the plants and look after everything, I am Alan's ex wife!"
"Ex being the important word there Pru, I hate to be rude
but can you just bugger off?" I'm too tired and too old to
worry about her precious feelings.
"I'll email Alan directly!" She stormed and threw the keys
down on the counter.
"Thanks!"
She also slammed the door as she left. Good.
Alan emailed later.

Miss you madly-really nice here, I'll take you sometime,
maybe christmas? Oh and don't think that I don't know all
about Pru, she was very quick to tell me. Is your tact
button turned off again? Like you anyway. Alan.

Bless-and he's thinking of the future, christmas, maybe we
will be in Avimore, skiing even!
Felt very much lifted and victorious.
Becka

THE E-MALE

Last night had that sad feeling of an end
of an era. My life was changing and it did
not feel like it was for the better. Alex and
Sean were leaving on monday and Alan and
myself were more shaky then ever. Ruth, bless
her stayed the same, still single and loving it
and still more attitude then anyone else I knew.
We got drunk again (I really think jokes aside
that I do drink too much). Sean treated Alex like
a princess, so I suppose that made Ruth and myself
the ugly sisters. They liked Alan's place though.
"It's brilliant." Siad Ruth as she fingered one of the
many palms:" Kind of woody and green, really sexy."
"I wouldn't say that! I'd rip all this wood paneling out
straight away and these plants would have to go!" I
laughed.
"Philistine! It's so Alan." Said Ruth and went to check
out his books.
"Have you found anything saucy?" Asked Alex.
"Nope, but I have found some old photo's, Alan
looked a right hippy in them! Some of Pru made me
wince a bit , she really is a goodlooking woman."
"And so are you." Said Sean gallantly.
"Thank you sir! How much have you had to drink?"
They all crashed over and I was late for work in
the morning. Had that disconnected feeling all day
long and Alan still had not phoned me and his mobile
was switched off. Sometimes I just drift through life.
But on my return when I checked the computer for emails,
there was one for me.

I have arrived safely and in one piece! Really
beautiful here, but cold! Hope you are well and
no more visits from the demon postie. Oh, Pru
has keys so don't be alarmed if she turns up at some
point. I miss you.
Alan
So bloody Pru could turn up could she? My blood
boileth over! Oh I would just have to deal with
it if it happened. But Alan had made me remember
to check my flat so with a heavy heart I decided to
drive over there on the new Vespa.
No post, but a rather sad looking 's**t' sitting on
my doorstep.
"I miss you babe." He said and made a rueful face.
"I really am a stupid git, I've thrown away the best
part of my life. You."
"Oh get stuffed Jeff you idiot! I don't want to hear
anything from you! Come inside and have coffee."
See how lonely I was?
"Is there no way that I can change your mind?"
"No, I'm with Alan now."
"Your with that limp streak of piss?" He laughed.
"He's a better man then you can ever be."
"Yeah right! I mean I wouldn't mind so much if he
was goodlooking, younger or something! But he's
nothing." Jeff looked at me with disgust. "You really
are debasing yourself going with a nerd like that."
"What about you! Going with a bleached blonde
air-head! A really good choice. Alan's fantastic, I
could almost:" I nearly said the L-word! "Live with
him!"
"Blimey! You must be desperate!" Then he shut up
and drank his coffee. I did feel desperate but not in
the way he thought.
Becka

A MAN'S PLACE

I'm here, sitting bang in the middle of
planet Alan and I don't know whether
to laugh or cry. I took the day off from
work as a 'family situation' day as I had
to move all my gear over to Alan's. Felt
guilty for a milisecond. But it passed.
He left last night, why the rush I wonder?
These artistic types!
I phoned Mickey Straw.
"Hi Mickey, it's Becka, took your advice
and I've left the flat for a few days. I'll
be staying at Alan's."
"Lucky bastard!" He exclaimed.
"Yes he is! Although at present I'm on
my own, he's off to Scotland."
"So your all on your ownsome?" I could practically
see his wolfish smile.
"Yes I am." I was smiling too.
"Do you want any company?" Came the bold
reply. Tempting but:
"Mickey! What are you like? No I'm alright
babe, honestly."
"Well if you change your mind, you know
where I am. I want you to go to your
place every day just to see if you have post.
Anything changes, call me ok?"
"Yes Sir!"
I spent most of the day looking through Alan's
possessions and laughing at old photos of him.
I missed him already! This flat was very much a
man's domain, dark colours, minumum fuss
and no ornaments. Plenty of books to go through
and a great Dell computer to use. The plants
were something! Talk about Return of the Triffids!
Palms, rubber plants and phallic cactus things
with vicious looking spikes eew! I was scared to
get too close to them, they looked poisonous, I
wondered if Alan spoke to them at all. I won't. To
make myself busy and to pass time I washed both of
my mopeds and dusted everything in the flat. It was no
good I needed company.
"Alex! Get your arse around here now!"
"Becka I would babe! It's just that there is so much to
organise! Where is this cruddy place anyway?"
"Hampstead."
"Get you!"
"Please come! I'm lonely." I pleaded.
"Ok, tell me the address. Are you asking Ruth?"
"I don't see why not."
"Alright but I'm bringing Sean."
I phoned Ruthie. "Hey babe, want to come around
to Alan's place for a drink?"
"Your at Alan's? What are you moving in now or
something? I always thought you valued your
independence. These men! Take over your life they do!"
I stopped her mid-rant.
"Wait girl! I am moving in, but he's not here! He's off
on a jaunt to the whiskey country. Hope he brings me back
a sporran!"
"Hmm, I could just do a nice hairy legged scots man!
Is Alan taking orders?" She laughed throatily:"Count
me in, see you tonight, oh what time?"
"Eightish? You are a gem, Alex and Sean will be here
too, lets see who can get the most plastered."
"Unfair! You always win that one! You light weight!"
"What about you the other night? Alan had to
carry you back!"
"He carried me?" I heard her go quiet, embarrassed
I suppose.
"He didn't mind at all." I told her the address.
"Later then." She abruptly hung up, that was it with
Ruth, she had never learned to handle strong emotions.
Love, hate, embarrassment whatever, that was a cue for
her to leave.
Alan must be in Aviemore by now, he still hasn't
phoned though. I'm not worried yet.
Becka

'What a difference a day makes'

On my return from work yesterday was
surprised by Alan's amazingly bad mood.
He was sitting watching Trisha (which
in itself is not too bad) but he was
surrounded by junk food and beer cans.
If I was a medium I would say he had a
particularly bad aura. He did not even say
hello.
"Alright sweetie!" I said and dived on his lap.
"Hmm." Was all I got from him.
"Hey did you do much writing?" I asked, bad
move as this was obviously what was bugging
him I could gage from his reaction.
"No I stopped. My muse has definitely left the
building, I am all washed up." He said in a
dangerously low voice. His eyes did not leave
the screen for a second.
"Don't talk cock! You are brilliant, it'll come back,
honestly!" I gave him my best sunny smile.
"That easy huh? If anyone else had said that I
would have told them to sod off, but as it's
'little Miss Blogsbody' well hey? Who am I to
argue with such talent!"
I dissolved this little gem of sarcasm.
"I'm only trying to help you! I do know
that if you are a writer, you have to write. Even
if it's crap. You keep going, or else you are not
a writer at all." So there! I felt like sticking my
tongue out, but as I'm 34 I resisted the urge.
"I'm sorry." Alan mumbled.
"Don't worry I'm thick skinned! Did Ruthie get
away alright?"
"Yeah um, she was fine, bit of a hangover,
she says she will phone you in a couple of days.
Look I'll have a hot shower and then I will clear
all this mess up alright?"
"Ok, you are ok though? I mean is there
not anywhere you can go to get inspiration?"
I looked hard at him, the poor guy seemed
broken.
"Look I might need to get away again for a few
days, maybe stay with some friends in
Aviemore. The fresh air will do me good."
He still hadn't even looked at me.
"Alan you are scaring me! Tell me hand on heart
that you are not seeing Pru again."
He laughed!
"Pru! For fucksake! Of course not, there is
nothing at all wrong with us ok? I need
some time to work it all out. If I'm not going
to be a writer then maybe I shall go back to
teaching. We shall see." Alan smiled so wanly
that I wanted to breast feed him there on the
spot!
"Sister-thing says you do look like a Geography
teacher! Are you sure you have to go? What
about my 'postie'? I might be in danger!"
"You have DC Straw to look after you! Anyway
I think that you should stay at my flat, partly
because I want you to and partly because
I have plants that need watering."
I grabbed him tightly.
"Can I share your shower?"
"Um, maybe not, really don't feel in the mood
Becks, sorry."
What the hell is going on with this guy?
I phoned Ruth.
"Ruthie baby! Hi it's Becks, how's your
head?"
"Oh still there I think, what's up?"
"Alan, he seems in a really funny 'off' sort of
mood. What was he like when you left this
morning?"
"Fine! We had coffee, we also went to St Jame's
park to feed the damn ducks! Then when we got
back to yours I called a cab. He was sitting happily
writing when I left him. What's up with him then?"
"Says that he cannot write, he's off to Scotland
of all places! Look better go Ruthie dear, he'll be
out of the shower soon."
"I wouldn't worry too much Becka, he'll be ok."
"I know."
What was worrying me was that Alan had not
even mentioned the trip to the park to me.
Maybe it had slipped his mind.
When he finally after an hour got out of the
shower he told me that he was leaving tomorrow.
"Look I've got some time due to me at work, shall
I come with you? Ruth can look after your bloody plants?"
He grimaced.
"I really do want to be on my own."
"But you won't be! You will be with your friends! Am
I not your friend?" I said pathetically.
"Please don't make this hard for me, I do want
to be with you. I'll phone everyday, email you
anything you want! But please let me go!"
I could hardly stop him could I?
Becka

Three

I still don't know how to feel about last
night, part irritated and part pissed off.
Mostly irritated, had the weirdest sensation
that I was the gooseberry and not the
girlfriend. Grudgingly I'm over it now and the
worst part is that neither of them noticed that
I was so left out. Or even upset at all. Cause
I'm tough thats why.
It's just both of them are clever buggers,
they read books and watch the news. I
read magazines, fanzines and science/horror
fiction. I don't know the hell what they were
talking about but they both seemed to be having
a really good time. As we left the resturant, Tai,
I think, Ruth rather drunkenly embraced me.
"You know I love you kid?" She said and kissed
me on the lips. Alan raised an eyebrow, every
guy's fantasy right? Often as youngsters, myself
and Ruth would kiss to see what kind of reaction
we would get from the boys. We judged them by
it, if they were embarrassed they were out. If
over excited-ditto. The best kind of guy would smile
and wait and see. It was a good test. But really not
appropriate for grown-ups.
"Ruth! What are you playing at?" I hissed in her
ear.
"Sorry! I'm way too drunk!" Then she passed out.
"We had better get her back to yours." Said Alan
and easily carried her small frame, even at the
Tai she only nibbled some flour noodles.
I made up a bed for her on the sofa and carefully
removed 'my top!' from her. I dressed her in some
warm flannel Pj's, placed a bowl and a glass of water
by her head. That was all I could do.
This morning I could not get her up at all, Ruth just
groaned and swore softly at me.
"It's alright, when she's better, I'll drive her home."
Said Alan, he was writing in a note pad!
"Don't tell me, a shopping list right?" I teased.
"Cheeky cow! No I hope you will be pleased to
hear my block has lifted! I'm ready to write again!"
He looked so happy, part of me wanted to get
back into bed with him and celebrate.
"Way to go! Something I said?" I fluttered my eyelids
hopefully.
"Not you! Your daft mate talking about writing
seemed to do the trick! When she wakes up I'm
going to cook her a huge breakfast!"
"Your be lucky! A big breakfast for Ruth is two
cornflakes and a lump of sugar! Jeez and there
was I thinking I was your muse and had awoken your
inner writer." I pretended to pout, he kissed my nose.
"You've awoke parts of me that I thought were long
dead!" He grinned boyishly.
"Oh I wish I could stay!" I really wanted him!
"So do I! Oh dear." Alan stopped, we could hear
Ruthie being sick in the toilet.
"Got to go!" Vomiting was usually time for me to make
an exit, though usually it me chucking up.
"Thanks a lot! Hope she goes soon though, really
must crack on with this idea." Alan took me to the
door.
"Come home soon." He said and wrapped a
scarf around my neck. "Don't fall off your Vespa."
"Never!" I yanked his boxer shorts and leered.
On the way to work I stopped off at Sister-thing
for a coffee. BigCook LittleCook was already
blaring out. Nice.
"And you left Ruth alone in the flat with Alan?"
"So?" I stared at her, Raine was frowning at me.
"What! I trust Ruth, she would never ever dog me!"
"Hmm maybe. But Alan is a sweetie."
"You told me he looks like a Geograthy Teacher!"
"He does! But maybe a shagable one."
"Shut it!" I crammed a mouthful of digestive
biscuit down.
"What about the breast thing?" She continued.
"Ah you know that means nothing, remember
when she stripped off in front of Dad?" I reminded
her. It had been heart warming, neraly heart stopping
in Dad's case.
"Ah yeah, bless her, for a scrawny little bird
she's always showing off her nads!" Laughed Raine.
But I did'nt go to work with an easy heart. I felt
niggled by Ruth and Sister-thing.
Ruth seemed way off line and Sister-thing was usually
right (though I hated to admit it). In my first coffee
break I phoned Alan, no answer. I laughed probably
the writing muse had left him already!
Becka xx

Cosy

Spent all of sunday in bed, we did not even
brush our teeth! Drank flat diet coke and
dined on Pringles and Maryland cookies.
I decided today being Bank holiday Monday,
that I should at least feed Alan. I showered,
brushed those neglected nashers and left
my prince snoring in bed.
Managed to find an open Tescos, I bought
a fresh cornfed chicken (does that mean we
don't have to have vegetables with it?) some
potatoes, salad stuff and a dreamy lemon
cheesecake. I bought some bread and milk
as well as more diet coke and vodka.
My mobile rang, it was Alex.
"Fancy a quick drink?" She asked.
"Did I ever say no?"
We met in The Twisted Gut and Big Shirl
seemed pleased to see us as we were the
only customers. Her impressive cleavage was
clad in a shiny blue basque and her roots
were freshly blondied. It could only mean one
thing, Shirl was in love again. I shuddered at the
thought.
We talked about Sean and America, I still
could not believe Alex was really leaving me.
How would I cope without her? I told her
all about Mickey Straw.
"I can't believe he's a Copper!" She laughed.
"He was such a rude and nasty little boy at
school, I assumed that he would be arrested
by now!"
"Yeah, he's actually quite a honey, but he's
married and I have Alan."
"Whoah a minute Missus! Are you actually admitting
you like Alan?" Her eyes were wide with feined
shock.
"Um, I guess I am, he's really lovely." I sipped my
drink reflectively:"I must be getting old."
Had another couple of drinks and returned
home with my shopping. Heard the distinctive
sound of Ruth's laughter as I entered.
She was sitting with Alan on the sofa
and they were watching Spaced and eating
what looked like chocolate angel delight.
"Oh there you are!" Said Ruth and pointed at
Alan:"What do you think of the new hair?"
She had been busy. Alan's hair was now very
short and feathery and she had shaved off his
goatee beard. He looked impossibly young and
not at all like my Alan.
"What have you done with his head? Give it
back!" I demanded.
"Do you like it?" Said Alan and shyly ruffled his
hair:"Ruth's been itching to cut my hair for ages
and you were so long, nice is'nt it?"
Ruth beamed, very happy with herself. It was a
good cut and it did suit him, but I really did like
his old look. I wanted the Byronic Alan. But I
did'nt want to hurt his feeling especially as he
looked so happy and Ruth seemed so proud of
her efforts.
"It's cool, it's taken years off you! I won't miss
your beard at all!" I leaned over and kissed his
smooth, bare face. He tasted of chocolate.
"What are you eating? I've bought food."
"Oh Ruth bought over a trifle, it's really nice too,
sorry I think we've eaten your share." He made a
rueful face.
"Charming!" I muttered.
"Oh lets not bother with cooking!" Said Ruth:
"My treat, I'll take you both to dinner. Becka
can I borrow some of your clothes?"
"Of course!" I said and she scampered off to
raid my wardrobe, coming back into the room
she had a selection of my tops. Grabbing a
pink top by Morgan she took of her shirt, right
there in my front of Alan, to reveal her naked
small breasts.
"Ruth for fucks sake!" I snapped.
Alan looked and looked away, I could see a
flush on his pallid face.
"Ooops sorry!" Laughed Ruth, both her and
Alex were always walking around half naked, I was
the prude of the bunch.
"What do you think?" Said Ruth.
"Al, it's safe to look now." I advised.
"Very nice." He said, but I could see he was still
rather uncomfortable. When he went to the
bathroom I turned on Ruth.
"Hey whats with the peepshow? Alan's
gone all funny now."
"Oh sorry, I forget he's not one of us, I'm
just so at ease with him. He's kind of like a
gay man." Admitted Ruth.
"Ok then." I felt strange though, the haircut
and shave, the booby show. Well it was Ruth I
let it pass. After all, I had been caught snogging
a cop!
Becka

Cor! Mickey Straw!

While waiting for the police to turn up
I smoked around 20 fags and had a
couple of stiff brandies (for my nerves).
When I opened the door:
"You've got to be kidding!" I yelped and threw
myself bodily into the man's arms.
Mick Straw himself, the boy that had deflowered
me and taught me how to light my own farts.
My very first and best, Mickey!
"Sexy Bex!" He laughed aloud and crushed me
to his manly chest. He was totally different
from when I had known him. He had been a skinny
boy with a mop of curly brown hair. Now he was
more of a body builder type and he was hairless,
he looked like Bruce Willis in Pulp fiction only younger.
He was now Detective Constable, I could'nt
believe it, we used to go shop lifting together as
kids. I showed him the note.
"Did you touch it?" he asked.
"Well, duh! Of course, how else would I have been
able to read it?"
"Alright! I take it we have a set of your prints?"
"Yes, they were taken the other day. Do you
think it's a nutter Mick?"
"I don't know what to think at present, are you
going to be ok on your own?"
"Well I did have a boyfriend, but he's playing silly
buggers at the moment. Do you think I should
move out?"
"Do you still know the other hags, Alex and Ruth?"
He grinned in memory.
"Oh yeah! Oi! And what do you mean about 'other'
hags? We're all gorgeous especially me."
We laughed in eachothers faces, totally unprofessional
on his part, but what the hell. He smelled good as
well.
"I think that you should stay anywhere but here,
but if thats not an option maybe I could crash
on your settee?" He raised his eyebrows and
grinned at me.
"Are you single Mickey?" I did'nt need more aggro
in my life.
"Mmm, kind of married, but a slice from a cut
loaf is never missed." He winked at me.
"You men!" I can't say that I was'nt tempted,
but the last thing I wanted was yet more crazy
jealous women like Justine , Estelle and Pru
hammering on my door.
"Best not then." I leaned forward and kissed
his dimpling cheek, somehow his mouth
found my lips and for old times sake I kissed
him properly.
"Hmmph!" Alan stood lividly white in shock in my
living room, I had'nt heard him come in.
"Alan!" I said:"This is a policeman!" As if that
explained it all.
"Dectective Constable Mick Staw." Said Mickey,
I could tell that he was cringing as bad as I
was.
"I see. These modern softly softly approaches
really work don't they? What did you do as an
encore, show her your truncheon or chain her
to the bed with your handcuffs?" If anyone
else had said it I would have laughed, but Alan
was fuming.
"It's not like that! Bex and I went to school
together. Anyway I here on official business."
Mickey squared up to Alan, although not as tall,
he was definately the stronger of the men.
"What happened?" Said Alan, for a moment more
concerned about me then what he had seen.
I showed him the note.
"Do you think it could be Pru?" I asked.
"Don't be stupid! She would'nt resort to this
sort campaign." Alan looked at me.
"I though your'd gone, all your stuff is missing!"
I said in a whiny voice.
"So you kiss a copper?" I felt Mickey bristle by
my side."I tidied up you daft girl! I moved everything
around until I had space to put my gear away! Did
you think I'd left you?"
"Yes I did!" It caught me then, the feeling of terror
at the note and the loss of Alan . I burst into
childish tears of woe.
"It's not so bad!" Said Mickey.
"I'll sort this out Officer." Said Alan:"I am her
boyfriend!"
"Alright I'll leave, Becka you have my number and
don't hesitate to call if anything else happens.
Hell:" He glared at Alan:"Call me anyway!"
After he had left:
"What a cheeky bastard!" Said Alan and set about
comforting me.
"Your not angry that I kissed him?"
"I'm not exactly delighted, but a kiss right? I
suppose that would be ok."
Then a thought hit me.
"Did you kiss Pru the other day?"
"Yes I did, on the cheek and she kissed me
chasely on the lips. I mean no tongues
or slobbering. She never did like that anyway!
Not like you! I can never stay angry at you for long
I just have to think of the sex and you've won me
over!"
"You make me sound like an animal!" I protested.
"You are!" He laughed and pushed me down on
the rug, landing next to me in a heap of gangly legs.
"Grrrrr!" I showed him just how bestial I could
be.
Becka.

"If I was you"

Said Zoey indignantly:"I would have told the old
bitch to drop dead!" I had confided to her about Pru
and the lunch time episode. I really should never
share my woes with a sixteen year old with a pink
fixation.
"I think she got the point Zoey. It's Alan I'm worrying
about, he seems to be really confused. Always a bad
sign."
He did come around last night, for what it was
worth. He seemed to be only in body not spirit.
Alan's brain was other wise engaged. Even when
we 'made love' it really felt like there was a third
party there. Not even one I would like to shag,
no Depp , Bloom or Kline. Just a ghost of
the ex-wife. Pru-mental.
"I'm sure he will choose you, your so funny!"
Gushed Zoey, bless her pink cotton socks!
"Thanks kid, but I think I'm in for a rough ride
with this one."
"It only seems a little while ago that you were
embarrassed by him." She reminded me.
"Yep. That was my problem, oh he really is a
good guy and I fancy him rotten! I think I've
made him think that I'm not after a deep
relationship, more of a comfort shag arrangment."
"Well your just have to show him otherwise. Do
you love him?" Her dark eyes twinkled away at me,
I hated that love stuff all sticky and painful. I
shuffled from foot to foot.
"I dunno, I'm not good with romance, give me
a cave man with a Harley and I'm happy." I admitted.
"But don't you like it when a man cares for you,
thinks your pretty and wants to spend every last
moment with you?" She was actually beginning to
irritate me now. I think she was getting close to
my painful 'centre' that all my shrinks have always
gone on about. I hedged my bets now.
"Nope, I like a man to know his place, at the
bottom of the heap. My friends and job will always
come first."
"What if you have children?"
"I won't! Imagine me as a mum? Get real!" I
laughed, I was in the lucky position that my
best girls were all childless too. I tried not too
think about the future.
"I think you would make a good mum!" Zoey
gave me a quick hug and went on to paint her
nails. Sixteen-brain of the butterfly , attention
span of an ant. I wished I was sixteen.
When I returned home all of Alan's stuff was gone.
He had'nt even left a note!
But somebody had left me something, a disgusting,
crudely written scrawl, written in god knows what
on loo paper.
BECKA
YOU NASTY BITCH! LEAVE MY MAN ALONE
OR ELSE!
I felt quite cold, so Alan was mentioned, could
my postie be Pru? But my instinct told me she
was not the right girl.
I phoned the police and waited.
Becka