HARDS**T AND ZELLWEGERS

We sat (we being myself, Alex, Ruth and the newly
acquired Mal) with our feet soaking in a babybath.
not much room with Mal's size 12's taking up all the
space. I had to have my feet on his, very nice in a
footy kind of way. His toes had little blondish tuffs
much like a Hobbit really only bigger.
We were sipping really cheap Asti and were all
getting nicely toasted. Alex looked a sight, her
hair was wrapped up as she was relaxing it and
on her face was a luminous green mask. Even
the very beautiful can look ugly sometimes.
Ruthie was in full bitch-mode and Mal eyed her
warily. I don't know if it was the David and Goliath
effect, but this big guy was certainly scared of our
little Ruthie (or at least very wary) can't say I
blame him.
We had watched both Bridget Jones and thrown
Dorito's at Renee Zellweger's face everytime
the shot went to close up.
"She's thin in real life." Remarked Mal. Ruth
resident anorexic and token psychotic glared at
him.
"I think she's still a heffing great pig!" She snarled,
showing whites of the eye and a fair bit of tooth.
Mal looked at me helplessly.
"She's hardly fat now." He whimpered.
"Most people are fat, your fat, Becka's fat, Alex...
Alex is ok (this is because Ruthie knew better then
to proceed) I think you could all do with a fucking
de-tox!"
"Piss off!" I said, but before it could escalated into
the usual nonsense the door bell rang.
"That fucking bell!" Said Ruthie:"I'll take the
fucker off I will!" She snatched open the door.
"Oh not you!" She shouted:"Becka, Alan-lame-
arse and Sean Pretty-Boybum are here!"
I looked at Alex and she looked at me in horror.
"Not Sean!" Tears made tracks down her sticky
face, she fled to the bathroom.
Alan and Sean entered the room like the sun
and the moon. Sean being the sun, blond, gorgeous,
tanned and unavailable. Alan limped in wearing his
trademark black and a scowl. A moon if ever I saw
one.
"Sorry Becka." Said Alan:"Sean arrived at mine,
he wants to see Alex." I love his casual scruffiness.
"No fucking way!" Said Ruth.
"She's my wife!" Shouted Sean.
"Your gay!" Snapped Ruth she was actally squaring
up to him!
Mal's ears pricked up:"He's gay?" He smiled at
Sean:"Didn't aye see you in Hardshit?"
We all looked at him.
Sean shook his head :"I don't think so." Bet he
had though.
Then Alex re-entered the room looking drop
dead gorgeous with her clean face and wet hair
and more to the point, naked. We all stared
and she was loving it.
"Take a good look Sean, see what your missing?"
Mal laughed hysterically and Alan stared in horror.
"It's taken me a year to get over seeing them." He
whispered loudly. I nudged him to be quiet.
"I see exactly what I'm missing." Said Sean and
grabbing his pretty wife kissed her passionately.
"Get the fuck out of my flat!" Roared Ruthie:"All
of you! That mean's you stupid!" (That being me)
"I hate you all! You and your stupid men!"
"Is this a lesbian moment?" Said Mal in my ear.
"And you can take Aunt Sally with you!" Ruth
slammed the bedroom door so hard a laughing
picture of Elvis hit the deck. Mal mouthed
Aunt Sally at me and pulled a face.
The the hardshit hit the fanny.

Becka M