WHO ATE ALL THE PIES? WHO ATE ALL THE
PIES? YOU FAT BASTARD, YOU FAT BASTARD
YOU ATE ALL THE PIES!

"I am never going to eat a pie again even if it's cooked
by Gordon fucking Ramsey." Groaned Alan as he hunched
over the steering wheel like someone on the brink of
dysentery (which he was!)
"Well aye thought it was mildly pleasant." Said Mal.
"You are Scottish, you eat deep fried Mars bars and
sheep stomachs!" I retorted as I felt like I had some
hot curry sauce of my own going on in the boiler!
"Well Mr Ramsey himself is a Scot!"
"Have you heard the fucker speak? I've never heard a
Scot speak like that!" Said Alan.
"Stop ganging up on me!" Mal squeezed tighter between
Catherine who was asleep with her mouth open (good
teeth, no fillings!) and Patrick who looked ever closer
to easing himself out of his mortal coil!
I was dressed like Madonna (I kid you not) in tights,
a fucked out leotard and a bomber jacket that made
me look like Huggy Bear with tits. Red and pink and
even, gulp, leg warmers (drag queens always have
to tinker with a look).
"Mal!" I screamed when I saw what he had packed for
me:"You Goddamned fucking freak! Don't you realize
real women like to wear proper clothes, not drag!"
"If it's good enough for Maddy......."He laughed,
But he wasn't the one getting the evils from, like,
everyone! We stopped at a petrol station as not only
did I need to take a dump, but we did need petrol!
I stagger across the tarmac like some 70's nightmare,
Madge is Madge, but I'm Becks, I'm meant to
be skinny and slinky and dressed beautifully.
I cannot always do high fashion. I'm as thin as a model
but it hangs wrong. I look, well, soppy.
"Hey look at that! She forgot her trews!" Laughed some
toothless fucker standing next to a hairy goon
with a baseball cap that said NEW COCK CITY.
"Oi love do ya think I'm sexy? Do ya want to touch
me? Come on sugar let me know!" Screamed the
idiot with the hair.
I let him know alright:"Kiss my arse!"
"See? She does fancy me!"
"Yeah and you can see most of it anyway!" Laughed
Toothless.
I hate my life.
I returned to the car to see Mal and Alan laughing
together (at me who else?) like a couple of fairies.
"Cunts!" I hissed.
"Aye am so jealous! What truly lovely men, Becks
you always pull the best." Twinkled Mal.
I looked at him coolly:"No always." I said like an
ice chip, his mouth looked hurt, good, lucky I
hadn't punched him in it.
So we were set now heading towards Inverness
and more mayhem.
But all I could think about was Mal's huge dick
slipping in like that, oh dear maybe I need a
pussy lift or something?
The guilt certainly gives me an edge, oh and
not smoking, the car is too packed to smoke and
Alan drives like a nut so we should soon be there.
Then I will smoke 101 menthols in a row and
breathe like a dragon.

Becka M