MAL, MADNESS AND ME

We picked Mal up near the northern exit on
the London Orbital, the good old M1!
"Where 'ave ye been? It's freezin'!"
He moaned and nagged, he was dressed boy-wise
in a chavtastic tracksuit with bling style necklaces.
I noticed a particularly cute one that said Bugger.
"Oh look at yew!" He laughed at my filthy scrubs.
"Ya look like a used tampon!"
"That's enough of that!" Said Catherine:"She might be
a filthy little baggage, but please don't talk so rough!"
"Oh mai god! It's Bette Davis!" Teased Mal.
Alan snorted in the front and Patrick slept on,
blissfully unaware of any kerfuffle.
"Did you phone Raine? What did she say?" I cringed and
waited for the answer.
Mal pulled a wry face:"Nothing to worry about hin, forget
it, she's ok, well when she discovers her powers of speech
and loses the Tourettes."
I pulled a face at Alan, god it was turning into rent-a-mime.
"Look do you really think I am going to drive all the way
to Scotland, then you are sorely mistaken." Grumbled Alan.
"Well you will be pleased to know Aye have booked us
into a Travel Lodge just outside Nottingham!" Said Mal
thrilled with himself.
"What a ghastly place!" Snarled Catherine.
"I'm not driving all that way! You can take over Mal."
"Nooo way!" Said the camp Hebridean.
"I'll drive." I said firmly.
"Oh for fucksake!" Said Alan.
"No I shall drive." Said Catherine firmly.
"Over my dead body!" Said Alan:"I can smell the alcohol
on you!"
"What are you implying young man?" Catherine sharply
yanked Al's hair making him swerve wildly.
"Leave the hair alone! Becka drive, please, as long
as I don't have to sit next to her."
"Aye hate this journey." Whined Mal. Jesus he had been
in the car for all of ten minutes! He was right though, it
was crap.
We pulled in a layby, Mal sat next to me, in the back
Patrick was propped up like a corpse between Catherine
and Alan, like the Berlin wall only British and still standing.
"Right." I said and gingerly turned the key:"Been a long
time since I've driven a car, but hey it's like riding a
bike isn't it?"
In the back I could see Alan reflected in my mirror
silently screaming.

Becka M