LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP

Excuse my french, but I'm well pissed off-how could
they do this to me? Bitches from hell! No I'm not talking
about Angela and Justine, no this is my own useless
friends, Alex and Ruth-cows.
Ruth phoned me:
"Hi Becks, listen New York was great, Alex is much
better so I don't want you to worry."
"I won't-now what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Don't you ever listen to your voice-mail?"
"That would be, no, never!" I had a horrible sinking
feeling.
"Well you should! A few days back Alex had an almighty
row with Sean and they've split up! Turns out he's batting
for the other side. Had to happen, handsome, gorgeous,
kind and well dressed, did I mention he smelled nice? Well
that too, so it was only a matter of time before he realized
he was gay." Ruth sounded thoughrily excited.
"Poor Alex-how is she?" How could Sean do that to her?
"Fine now, she was in a right state though. She really tried
to get you as you are her favourite, but I managed to
meet up with her in New York of all places. We got very
pissed and shopped a lot but I think she will be ok-anyway
I've brought her back and she's crashing round mine
so you can see her tomorrow."
"I would have loved to have come to New York, shit!
Meet any nice guys?" I whined.
"I did-Alex is not ready for any of that yet. We went to an
Irish pub called The Blaggards Pub and I met a very
cute barman called Emmett!" She sounded very fluttery,
daft cow!
"Emmett? That's an odd name." I laughed.
"Yes, it's medieval." Ruth explained.
"Like Baldrick? Did you shag him?" I had to ask it.
"No, but I got very pissed and was later sick down an alley."
"That's my girl! Well I'll be seeing both you guys tomorrow-oh
what about the twins?" As she was currently shagging both
of them."I've finished with them, so they will probably come back
to stay with you and Alan. How is he by the way?"
"Apart from being disgusted with me-fine! I asked him to drip
hot wax on my naked body. He was less then impressed. He looked
at me as if I was straight from the funny farm!"
"He has a point, I think he's far too vanilla for you anyway!
Look, catch you soon!" Of she twittered, the twit!
So now I am riddled with jealousy that they got to go to NY and
also sad about Alex and Sean. He was so pretty! Why can't Alan
do the wax thingy?

Becka Martin
http://blaggardspub.com

WAX

Mad? Me? Well maybe. I phoned Master Skinner up, why-
because I have to destroy every nuance of a normal life.
"Skinner? It's Becka."
"Master Skinner, what are you phoning me for?" His voice
was less then impressed. What indeed.
"Because I'm bored."
"Bored? Ahh-what a great compliment!" His voice dripped
sarcasm.
"I meant, I thought you might have a few ideas."
"Oh I have lots of those! Call me when your in a more sensible
mood. Goodbye!" He rudely hung-up! I was fuming, but part
of me, a silly, niggly bit of my persona, liked it. I dialed him
straight back.
"Why did you hang up on me?" I demanded.
"Because you are obviously still playing." His voice was magic.
"I like to play." I said sullenly.
"Yes but you play like a child-I could teach you to play like
a woman."
"You conceited sod!" But that niggly, silly Becka-me was
intrigued.
"Even your insults are juvenile. I could teach you so much."
"Lessons from a gigolo?" I had to get that in.
"If you like-have you ever played with fire Becka? Because
that's what you are doing." His voice was silky and as slippy
as a satin g-string.
"Am I?"
"Bet you haven't even played with wax yet." He teased.
"Wax?"
"Hot wax-dripped onto your skin, I could make a perfect
droplet that would fall on your clit and you would-what
would you do Becka?" That slick voice!
"Call the police you psycho!" I laughed, but he'd got me
more then a bit hot under the collar.
"Try it yourself with a tiny candle, drizzle the wax onto your
breasts, I dare you! Lesson number one!"
He hung up again and this time, I didn't call back.
Wax? Bit pervy sounding for me, but was it really? Did I
care at all what some bald sex maniac thought I should
do? Too bloody right I did! I wondered how to broach the
subject with Alan. I'd bet he'd run for the hills, wouldn't you?
Becka Martin

UGLY NASTY RUDE ON A MONDAAAAY!!!

Mondays, love or hate them-you just can't stop them. Do I
have a problem with them? Hell yes! Today? Hell no! Because
today I capered into the office much like a spring lamb (but
prettier and less woolly). This was because 'I HAVE THE POWER!',
the power being, of course over my arch enemy Justine of the
undead and my fat, lesbian boss Angela Grade (who has a great
son). I sat there dressed super cool in a market bought suit, if you
squinted a bit, you might even think it was Prada.
I sat on my chair, swivelled around a bit, because you can do that
with a swivel chair (duh?)and waited for my lovely boss and her
bleached out hench-thing to make an entrance. See? I was even
early. When Angela finally made an appearance, I could tell that
she hadn't been sleeping well. Dark eyes, unkempt hair, pattern of
the pillow on her cheek.
"Hi." I said brightly which she ignored, how rude! A couple of
minutes later blondie crept in, eyed me the way you would a
cowpat and sat at her desk. Three silent women. Um not for long.
"Does anyone want a cup of tea?" I said.
"Not for me thanks." Said Angela.
"No." Hissed Justine through gritted teeth.
"I don't blame you-it can really make you go to the loo!" I burst
out laughing and fled up the corridor cackling wildly like an
escapee from the Happy-farm.
But like it or not, I did actually have to go back to that office,
now tell me why I can't make wisecracks at the end of the day?
Because I'm a moron, that's why.
My luck had also run out, Justine collared me in a corner.
"You! Will you cut this stuff out?" She snarled, showing acres
of teeth and quite a bit of saliva.
"Ah come on Justine! If it were me, would you leave me
alone?" I grinned at her, one day (and- it's coming) this bitch
will bust me wide open!
"No-but it's me and you've forgotten that your boss, is
actually my girlfriend! So you had better behave." She
smiled right back, about an inch from my face, if I licked her
nose I wondered, would she back off? Or just headbutt me.
Probably the latter.
"What is the deal with you and Angela? There is no fucking
way you are a lezzie, your like me girl-straight with a
few interruptions. It's for the money isn't it? Angela's paying
for some top Doc to bring you back to life."
"Shut up! I do like Angela and no, I'm not a 'lezzie' as you so
coarsely put it. I do what I want to do, your'd best stop all this
piss-taking." She closed her eyes in exasperation at what she had
said, I stifled a giggle. "I mean this constant teasing, or else
it will be worse for you." She jabbed and incredibly sharp finger
into my chest, it bloody well hurt!
"Are you threatening me?" I could not believe this small creature
could try to intimidate me, all six foot of it and succeeding!
"That's right, I might be small, but you cross me and I'll have
you." Bony appendages were removed, I could breathe again.
"Ok." I said.
"You just remember." The tilt of her head was angled with
smugness!
"I'll try to remember not to piss you off!" Then I legged it back
to the safety of Angela's bosom.

Becka

IT'S GOOD BEING ME

I feel like I've won the lottery or something! Seeing Angela
and Justine in the nud and up to watersports have put me in
the unusual position of being 'the daddy'!
Blast, I could milk this if I wanted to, but I'm far too nice a
girl!
"They were peeing on eachother?" Said Sister-thing Raine, her
small face contorted in disgust.
"Yep."
"Eeew, that's nasty." She shuddered theatrically, RADA training
would have been wasted on her, she is a natural actress.
"Yep." I agreed, very nasty and very lucky for me!
"The shame of it being caught! What did they say?"
"Angela tried to style it out saying that 'we were all adults' and
Justine being Justine ran away and locked herself in the toilet."
"She should have used it in the first place! How can that be sexy?
I really want to know." Sister-thing might be older but she can
be naive.
"It's not my bag at all, but it's kind of like S&M I think,
humiliation, degradation." I explained.
"Oh, well it's gross." Raine ran a hand through her bleached mop:
"Your life is so different to mine, I just sleep with D and my friends
are normal. You have a variety of misfits."
"Fuckwits." I corrected her.
"Fuckwits and a collection of lovers. Do you think I'm missing out
only having D?"
"No, not at all, your happy right? I would love your life if it could
be with Alan, it's just a long time coming. "
"Alan's great, like D-but crazy I guess." Raine smiled.
"Are you telling me your husband is normal?" I widened by eye's in
shock.
"Well probably not, but infinitely more normal then Alan!"
She patted me on the head and left me to stew in my juices, but
obviously not as much as Angela and Justine were stewing. And in
a different kind of juice altogether (heh-heh).
Would I use my power for good or evil? Stay tuned 'cos I don't
know myself yet.
Becka (Tena-lady) Martin

GOLDEN

Not the best time that I've had in my life, imagine this-a
people carrier, a lesbian, a zombie and a slut (moi natch!).
Talk about integration of the species, liked the car though,
a Ford Galaxy. Mostly I sat at the back, or rather sprawled
out in a semi-comatose state. Justine was far from delighted to
know that I was going on this little field trip. I knew this
because she managed to develop and fully fledged tick by the
end of it all. Angela of course was in her element, she must have
felt like a Diva or something, surrounded by 'her girls'.
We drove to Dorset to see pottery, Devon to see glass wear,
Somerset for carpentry. Not an ounce of fashion anywhere.
Angela was doing this trip as a favour to 'management',
normally she wouldn't touch crafts with a barge poll.
We stayed at various posh hotels, I have never been in so
many sauna's and because of all the rich food I can feel my
waist band straining.
Did I shag Angela again? Hell no! But I could hear Justine
pounding away every night, squealing like a puppy. It's
a wonder that Angela didn't break her.
One night we had all got rather drunk on wine, Chardonnay
I think, Justine was curling her small feet around Angela's
chunky ankles. I think I must have had an epithany .
"You know this love stuff is getting really old now." I said
belligerently, waving my wine glass around to make the
point.
"Jealous?" Cooed Justine sweetly.
"Shut up shitface! No, I'm not jealous, but I can cheerfully say
you've both put me off girls forever. So thank you."
"Becka! Why are you so aggressive? Why do you have to make
everything into a confrontation?" Demanded Angela.
"Because I can and it's fun, I think I'll turn in soon, really
had enough of Justine for one night."
"Angela! Do you have to let her talk to me like that?" Shrieked
Justine.
"I'm not her keeper, just stay awhile Becka, I've ordered some
fine brandy and chocolates."
I should have gone-really I should have, but Angela had said
'brandy' and 'chocolate', my two main vices after cigarettes.
"I'll stay for one." I said sagely.
After eating my weight in chocolate and drinking at least
a pint of brandy, I decided enough was enough.
"I'll leave you ladies now." And I did, I think I just fell asleep
where I sat at the dining table. Luckily I hadn't ordered soup.
I awoke with my tongue stuck to the pillow and my eye's
glued shut. Christ my head hurt! Then I heard the moans
and sighs coming from the bed.
Angela's room had a double bed and a single (which I was on)
the double was being used for all manner of things.
Carefully hiding behind my extensions, I peered out.
Angela, huge! Naked and sweating was buried deep into
Justine's hoo-ha. Justine equally naked and practically
luminous in her whiteness was gripping onto the bedstand.
"Angie! Oh Angie!" She shuddered suddenly and I knew that
she had came.
Next minute Angela was straddling her (Justine must have
been stronger then she looked) she stroked back the blonde's
hair, they were very hot, you could practically see the steam.
"Should we?" Said Justine impishly.
Angela looked over her shoulder at me, I tried not to move an
inch."I think it will be alright, she's well out of it."
Angela suddenly arched her back and let out the biggest stream
of piss you have ever seen. It was like a horse!
Justine acted like a crazy person as the urine splashed over her
little body.
"My turn." She said and they changed places, she pulled and
I really mean yanked her vulva upwards so that her pee rose
higher. Quite a good stream, though not much of it. She then
started to rub it into Angela's breasts frantically.
"I wouldn't want to be the chambermaid here." I said dryly
and they both turned to look at me in horror.
"Busted guys!" I sniggered.
Becka

A GOOD IDEA?

Angela phoned me again.
"Right Becka, I'm not taking no for an answer, you must
come back." She said sternly.
"Hmm, well the answers still 'no', as much as I dislike Justine
and I do really hate her, I'm not taking her job."
What a little hero I am!
"That's all very noble...."
"It is." I interrupted her.
"But my offer might make you change your tune. I will raise
your salary by 10% and you get to go on a spectacular
shopping trip!" Her voice sounded like chocolate and cream,
indulgent, fat and very bad for you. She knew me too
well.
"20% and what about Justine?"
"15% and she is staying put for now, I thought I might be
able to gently oust her later." Angela seemed happy.
"So I'll have to work with her, that's what you are saying?"
"Yes, but you will be her superior, think on that one."
I was, bloody hell imagine Justine's face! Hahahehe!
"Got yourself a deal boss lady, when do you want me to start?"
"Tomorrow and pack a few clothes as we are going away."
"What? Tomorrow is sunday, where and why?" I felt a bit
panicky, way too fast for me.
"That's my surprise, you won't need your passport though,
I'll pick you up at 7.30am, be up please and do something
with your hair!" She hung up.
Now I had to tell Alan, damn and we were getting on so
well too. Where were we going? I hoped sincerely that I
would not have to shag her again. That was Justine's job
description, hopefully I had moved on to better things.
"Alan honey, just popping around Sister-thing's for a
coffee!" I called out.
"Fine babe." He answered.
I'd talk it through with Raine first, damn-it was stalling
but it had to be done. I'm a coward.

Becka (I will write soon, god knows when!) Martin

LICKY

Oh the joy of love! Am I making you sick? I'm making me
sick, but who cares? Alan loves me and I'm his Boo again!
What could be better then that? Well.......

Angela Grade phoned me.
"Becka? Angela, I'm calling to say I'm really sorry for what
has happened and the job is yours if you want it."
Was she shitting me?
"I beg your pardon, was that an apology? I didn't quite hear
you." Fabulous to be in the position of the smug and contented.
"I just think that you should come back to work, you must need
the money, the amount you spend on alcohol and hair products.
Look, I'll level with you, it's just not working out with Justine."
I caught my breath, was the blonde and scary one losing her
touch?
"I thought you said that she was excellent. What's changed?
Don't tell me you slept with her!" I laughed I really did not
think that they had but....
"Well we did, but it was a huge mistake! She is so clingy! Like
some love-starved puppy! So licky!" I heard her groan in disgust.
"I thought that would be a good thing." I tried not to laugh:"You
must be very brave Angela, sleeping with the Undead! Was she
pale like a slug?"
"Don't be cruel! I will say this though, she was completely
hairless, it really turned me off!"
"Well she is blonde, not hairy are they? Anyway she probably
had a Hollywood or something." I giggled, really hard to keep a
straight face in this situation I can tell you!
"No-I think it was genetic, she's never had body hair apparently."
I could hear Angela shuddering again, good-the bitch!
"Well I guess that makes access that much easier, look I have
to go, make Alan brekkie, shag him senseless, the usual."
"I'll lay my cards on the table, I don't want you back as a lover
ok? Unless you want to of course, but I would really be grateful if
you could come back." Her voice was grovelly.
"Hmm, I'll consider it, bye Angela, regards to Justine!"
Whoo! Maybe I would go back but this time I would be top
doggie! Who would have put Justine down as a Licker, just
goes to show, don't judge a book by the cover.

Later, the twins crept back today, faces beaming with male
pride. "You are two rude little bastards!" I laughed, they both
leered at me. What was this twin thing? Twice as nice, or two
times as creepy, I could not work it out. That was Ruth's
problem.
Becka (The Best Martin)