WEDDING OF THE DAMNED


Well we ticked over for sometime, me grudgingly seeing
Ruth when Simon deemed fit usually with him there with
us smarmily watching in case I suddenly had the urge to
pull down her knickers. Or with him in the vicinity,
with Ruth texting him constantly to make sure she hadnt
vacated to Dykesville pussylove town.

Then they married. Would you believe that I was not asked
to be bridesmaid? Or best person or best anything! No I
was relegated to the wierd table, no top table for me, I sat
with the dogy aunts and the far removed (from reality) cousins.

Was I happy? You betcha not. I wasnt even allowed to attend the
hen night. They had a sedate time in Barcelona and I stayed home
gritting my teeth. But I bared with it, this is what friends do
when a friend is acting like she lost half her brain cells.

To her wedding Ruth wore a dress which made her look like:

1./ Little house from the Oxfam Prarie

2./ A Hammer House Virgin

3./ Fucking ugly

I looked terrific navy maxi dress to show off my height and a
pair of killer silver wedges. Barbarela meedts Barbra Streisand.


The dress also hid my fat arse.

Sim Mr Groom Bastard features wore a navy suit that looked
like it was Armani and must had cost a trillion times more
then Ruth's thrifty shocksvilla dress.

She wore no make up and had her hair dyed a lovely shade
of mouse brown.

And she said Obey! When I heard the words I said No! Inwardly.

But it was done, a surrendered wife inthe flesh. I always thought
it was a kinkt thing with spanking and Masters. This was definately
less sexy and more sinister.

And where the fuck was Alex?

Best Becka XXXXX


(Thanks Butterfly and Lindy. Yeah had a hard time, then got better
then had no enthusiasm. Then went to my lowest. Then had no imagination
and then finally I crawled back to Becka street. Love you all!)

REMIND ME WHAT?

"What did you tell him?" I fumed after I had Ruth
to myself whilst laughing boy went to powder something.

"Everything, honest is the best policy in relationships."
Stated Ruth.

"Somethings are better left unsaid or at least to the
imagination! Jeez Ruth he thinks I Queen Dyke from
Lickety Split street for fuck sake!" I was fuming! Really
what a dozy bitch!

"Yeah, uh about that, I kinda changed it around a little,
I said that you were the instigator." She smiled cheesily
like a child overdosing on Babybels.

"Fuck you Ruth! So much for honesty! He gave me some Rules
to abide by if I want to remain your friend. The cheek of it!
I've known you like, forever and he's laying down the rules like
some tinpot dictator." I swigged my drink and glared.

"What did he say?" She asked.

" He said:

RULE ONE

No contact without consulting him. (I will die)

RULE TWO

We cannot be alone together (just in case I cannot
control myself around you!)

RULE THREE

Any inappropriate behaviour will lead to loss of
visiting privilege's (Like you are our child in a fucked
out custody battle)

RULE FOUR

No physical contact at all (which includes hugs kisses
the usual (so a shags out of the question)

"You don't do that anymore anyways." Said Ruth pointedly.

"That's besides the point! Let me finish.

RULE FIVE

Anything that breaches rules 1-4 could result in total
alienation.

"What does that mean?" Asked Ruth.

"That baby means we are royally screwed." How very dare he!

"Oh." Ruth smiled:"I think he's sweet." She smiled that knowing
look of the doomed.

"Sweet? S-smarmy W-wanker E-eejit E-ego T-twat! No?"

Best Becka

SIMON SAYS

Who gives a flying shit what he says? Bastard.
He hates me so much I can hear his teeth grinding
everytime he comes within a 1 mile radius!
The worst thing was I really wanted to give the guy
a chance you know?

When Ruth started dating him a couple of years back,
well I was sceptical, she is really such a big lezza
I thought it was just a whim. But more power to her
she stuck with it and really made the relationship
work. Albeit without ever introducing the cow son to
me. Then she says she's getting married please meet
this hunka love and approve him baby.

I was over from my Ruth thing anyway and I was really
happy for her, no really I was! I agreed to meet Mr
fucking perfection in this really dire throwback to
the 80's City pub. I was dressed in a really nice
Hannibal T shirt with black drainies and monkees but
I had paid special attention to my hair and make up.
I looked good in a roadie kind of way. I was early
so I had a large G & T and waited expectantly. I was
not nervous this was not my date this was a good thing!

Enter the dragon

Oh my gosh the worst thing was seeing Ruth dressed like
someone playing maiden aunt. Little skirt, little sweater
sensible shoes. Make up non existent.

I took a big gulp from my drink and smiled like someone
who had just bitten into a crunchy caterpillar on their
rocket salad.

Then I saw the lumbering ox she had attached to her hand,
I thought he was one of those monkies on a Radley bag
but no , he was a 6 foot neanderthal. Huge hulking body,
straight black hair cut for fuck sake like Vernon Kay
used to have. Blue eyes hidden by square rimmed specs, a
smile that would make a shark wince, white sharp and a
helluva lot of teeth. He was a one man advert for whitening.
However there was not an iota of warmth in his smile.

"I'm really pleased to meet you Becka, I've heard so
much about you." He said pleasantly enough and held my
hand a little too tightly.

Sometimes when someone does that you know that they fancy
you, but he almost hurt me, the pressure was there and
it felt like hate.

"Likewise Simon." I smiled back and freed my hand, I wanted
to wipe it on my jeans but that would have been rude.

"Honey can you go to the bar please?" Simon said to Ruth.

"Of course I can, red wine? Becka?" Ruth's voice sounded
dead posh.

I frowned at her. "G & T babes."

She left to tussle with the packed bar.

I turned my attention to Simon. " Ruthie is very pleased and
happy with you, I havent seen her so happy in years." I
said honestly.

Simon looked at me for a second and said: "I intend to keep
Ruth that way with or without your co operation." The voice
had such an open hostility that I hadn't heard in years. It
took me aback that's for sure.

"Ah not sure I understand where you are coming from Simon."
I admitted.

He leaned forwards just as Ruth was travelling back with the
drinks tray and hissed :"Ruth has told me everything about you
and if you want to remain a friend and included in her life
you are going to have to play by the rules."

I recoiled:"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You are a bad influence and in my view a bad person. Ruth
will be my wife, I don't want anything messing that up. Look
at you , bloody pathetic woman. Oh darling you picked
a Merlot how clever of you!" Ruth had returned , he pulled her
close and they both smiled at me like couples do, Ruth with eyes
as hopeful orphan Annie Simon with a smile that made my stomach lurch.

The next time I saw him he told me the rules. Next time
I am here I will tell you them too.

Best Becka