MONKEY'S UNCLE

"Why is it with you I always find myself wanting to hit my
head off a wall closely followed with yours?" Panted Alan, he
was striding along the road in the style of Darth Vader. I felt
very miffed, namely because I was trying to light a fag and
it had started to rain.
"I have that effect on most men." I shrugged, stopped, lit my
ciggie and inhaled the cool green menthol flavour. I don't care
what Raine says I'm never bloody well giving up!
"Even Mickey Bastard Straw?" He stopped and turned, not
a trace of sweat on his face and I was dripping like sweaty
Helga the Goatherd.
"Especially Mickey, I could really really wind that fucker up."
I said with some satisfaction and blew the smoke threw
my nose in the style of The Soup Dragon warming my winter
hooter up. N.B Americans hooter is British for 'nose' not titties.
"I'm crazy in love with you." Said Alan and kissed me on the forehead.
Very Priestly, all that black and repressed sexuality.
Bless me Father for I have sinned, now put your hands down my
draws haw haw! This is why I never made it as a Catholic girl,
oh and being slightly Jewish didn't help.
Come to Mummy!
Next minute we had fallen over one of those dwarf hedges and were
rolling around someone's garden, snatching eachothers clothes
like old women at a jumble sale.
Alan really liked sex in public, I just liked sex so it was a good match.
My head hit something hard (no not that) it was somebody's shoe.
Looking upwards I saw the most lemon sucking face I'd ever seen.
He was about 50, his glasses were very thick, he had something in his
hand, long, very long.
Shwing!
Nope it was a hosepipe!
No he did not do that!
He turned it on full pelt drenching us.
"Oh sorry!" He said, not looking a bit sorry.
"I thought you were cats or foxes fighting!"
"How bloody astute of you!" Said Alan lifting me up, giving
spec-man a good glimpse of my hairy annie!
His mouth dropped open.
I squealed.
Alan rolled his eyes and stood infront of me.
"Everyone's seen your snatch by now!" He grumbled.
"I hadn't." Admitted the man.
"Well we will be off then." I offered.
"Yeah sorry." Said Alan and we stepped over the small hedge.
"Oh and thank you." Said the man, this time he definitely had
something in his hand.
I giggled all the way home.
Perverts everywhere man! I always find them glory be!

Becka Mmmmm ushrooms